


Dancing in Golden Light

by CrystalInstinct



Category: Rooster Teeth/Achievement Hunter RPF
Genre: Alternate Universe - GTA V, Angst, Anxiety, Blow Jobs, Canon-Typical Violence, Eventual Happy Ending, Eventual Smut, Fake AH Crew, Female Jack Pattillo, Flashbacks, Fluff, Freewood - Freeform, Hand Jobs, Implied/Referenced Torture, M/M, Masturbation, Other Additional Tags to Be Added, Past Relationship(s), Slow Burn, Smut, Sober Geoff Ramsey, Tags May Change, The Golden Boy and the Vagabond
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2017-11-25
Updated: 2019-01-28
Packaged: 2019-02-06 16:58:30
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 24
Words: 89,296
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/12821982
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/CrystalInstinct/pseuds/CrystalInstinct
Summary: "All you need to do is to trust us.""You say it like it's so easy.""Trust isn't something that just happens overnight. It's a conscious decision you make everyday, every FUBAR situation until someday it comes automatically. It's trusting that someone always has your back no matter what, no matter how angry you might be. It's a family. I know that you said you're not trying to make friends and I get that sentiment. But just know this, you already have five friends in that skyscraper."Ryan's not looking for friends, not for family, only for a fleeting moment of stability before moving on. The FAHC provides to be much more than that, especially Gavin Free, the Golden Boy with the intelligent eyes that seem to peer into his soul from the first moment their eyes meet. Ryan doesn't realize that he's not the only one with a mask hiding who they truly are. Their line of work is not made to sustain this, love shouldn't bloom at war, especially between the dark and the light, the blood soaked and the innocent, the Vagabond and the Golden Boy.





	1. Chapter One

**Author's Note:**

> Who saw this coming? I didn't. For those who read my RvB stuff, I promise I'll be back to my space marines after I get over the disappointment of last season (3 months and counting). 
> 
> It's been years and another account since I've written FAHC but when the inspiration strikes... This story will be published weekly on Saturdays if nothing gets in the way. The plan is that it will contain a few smaller arcs that form a larger chunk. This story is a slow burn, and I estimate it's going to be somewhere between 15 and 20 chapters long. 
> 
> (You'll find me at alwayssadaboutfreelancers on Tumblr if that's your jam, although I'm mostly on the RvB side of the fandom.)
> 
> Please feel free to leave kudos or comments down below! They really make me happy and motivate me to work on this story if I know there's people reading it. Happy reading! <3

The Vagabond has to take a double take on the mismatch of people in the room. When Ramsey had approached him to join his infamous gang, the Fake AH Crew, the stories he had gathered during his research had led him to paint a whole another picture of the group in front of him. 

Ramsey stands up from his chair and looms over the conference table. He's shorter than the stories led him to believe, Ryan thinks as he lets his eyes roam over the countless tattoos visible on his arms. His blazer tailored to perfection hangs from the back of his chair as the tattooed man extends a slender arm to shake his. 

Ryan stands still, and Ramsey takes the cue. Ryan can see the intelligence behind Ramsey's eyes, and knows from experience that he's being judged. He doesn't mind anymore, he's gone through this theater more often than he likes to think about. 

The man beside Ramsey, narrows his eyes at him and Ryan is thankful of the mask yet again. The mask allows him to inspect the curly haired man beside Ramsey without letting him know. He doesn't move his head but allows his eyes to wander shaded by the mask. 

It's no doubt that this man is Jones, the demolitions man he heard so much about. The leather jacket is heavy on his broad shoulders, and Ryan can see the muscle mass in his arms even from here. "Anger issues" one of his sources had told him. He can see it now, the narrowing of the eyes and the slender hand that extends to press against his arm as a warning. Ryan doesn't want a fight, but he knows he could take him. Angry people rarely made for intelligent opponents. 

His eyes wander up the slender arm that had shot out to contain Jones. Slender yet powerful arms lead to the ghastliest Hawaiian shirt he has seen on this side of the pacific. Pattillo. The pilot. Her hair hangs loose around her face, a soft and nonthreatening face he knows hides something more sinister underneath. Her eyes are on him, sharp and intelligent and Ryan senses she's done her research on him. Not that there's much on him, Ryan thinks but acknowledges the effort and its implications on her character. 

Dooley sighs from the corner, clearly the groups brawler is getting impatient. If he didn't already know, the dreadful orange pants and purple blazer tells him enough to figure his identity out. Short but broad, Dooley would be the one to look out for. Ryan's heard enough about his quick fit and punishing strikes to know to keep his distance. 

"So…" Ramsey drawls and draws Ryan's attention back to him. "The Vagabond."

Ryan doesn't move or say anything. His reputation would do the talking for him as it had so many times before. He isn't intimidated by this group having dealt with the worst of the worst for so long. It didn't matter that this crew ruled this city, so far they've yet to show him anything impressive. 

"Not much of a talker." Ramsey continues and back down to sit next to the only other seated person in the room. 

Gavin Free. The Golden Boy. Not much of an enigma that one, Ryan thinks as he eyes over the garish sunglasses that covers most of his face, the golden watch that hangs heavy on his lean wrist, the brand shirt that shows more of his chest than it hides. A casual smirk rests on his face as he stares him down unabashedly. 

"Maybe he's mute." Free says with a giggle. 

"I'm not." Ryan answers, making sure to growl out the answer in the way he knows scares people. Free perks up and a flash of genuine interest flashes across his face before the smirk returns. 

"Ooh mysterious." Free smirks and leans back in his chair. Ryan's not sure if all the confidence is natural or not, a sign of a talented conman and thief. 

"Alright knock it off." Ramsey barks at Free as he leans forward on his elbows. "I don't care if you talk or not, to be honest a bit of peace and quiet would be amazing in this fucking mess." 

"The fact is that we need a hitman on the squad and you're the best money can buy." Ramsey continues louder over the chorus of objections to his previous statement. "I heard you're looking for a more permanent crew, so consider this-"

Ramsey shoves over a file on the table towards him. Ryan eyes him over before picking up the file. 

"Kill this man and you're in."

The man in the picture doesn't look like anything, more than everything he is average. Brown hair and brown eyes, a tired look on his face in the candid picture that lies atop the rest of the file. 

"Sounds easy enough." Ryan says as he closes the file. 

"That is the attorney general." Jones laughs. "Take him out and I'll buy you a beer myself."

"Deal." 

"Yes, that's the attorney general." Ramsey says with a quick glance over at Jones. "He's been a thorn in our side for long enough. It's a more difficult hit since you're more than capable but I'm counting on you. Consider this your trial. Do this and you're in if you want. If you don't, you get to walk away."

"Deadline?"

"Hah _dead_ line indeed!" Dooley chimes in from the side. 

"You got two weeks." Ramsey answers him ignoring the various groans around the room and Dooley's pleased smile. "You need anything, call me." 

"Sure thing." Ryan answers and before they ask anymore questions he's out the door with the file in his hand. 

He makes sure to stay vigilant and aware as he steps into the elevator and rides it down to the ground floor. The camera in the elevator is well hidden but he knows it's there. He also knows someone's watching him. He knows he would.

He sighs as he sits down in his car and closes the door behind him. He speeds off, careful not to linger around the skyscraper. He makes another route home, careful to shake any tails he might have. He's not sure if they'd even bother to trail him but better be careful. 

He parks his car in the shadowed corner in the garage of his apartment. Careful not to draw any attention to him, he pulls the mask of and stuffs it into his backpack. Ryan Haywood, the friendly neighborhood IT-guy stands up from the car and hurries into the elevator with his backpack draped over his leather jacket. He's itching to get his hand on the file inside. It has been a while since his last hit. 

"Ryan darling!" 

The shrill and delighted voice behind him makes him stop and he's careful to put on a smile before he turns around.

"Maria!" He says and leans in to hug his small hunched over neighbor, careful not to squeeze too hard to break her. Her grey hair smells like she's baked today, he thinks with a smile. 

Maria had latched onto him the moment he had moved across the hall from her. Curious, or nosy, she picked up that he lives alone and took him under her wing no matter how hard he protested at first. He later figured that she's lonely since her husband died and her kids moved east for school. After that he found himself happy of the food and care this woman poured his way in a city that wasn't his. Yet. 

"It's so good to see you!" She says and holds him at arms length. "You really should go to the barber, that hair of your's getting so long."

"I'll be sure to do that." He says with a smile, although he's got no plans on doing that. The file in his backpack tempts him, but he reminds himself of the necessity of keeping up fronts. "I really need to get going Maria."

"Work again?" She says and frowns. "They're working you to death!"

"Oh it's nothing. I enjoy it too much to say no." 

"You be sure to say something if that changes." Maria says with a firm squeeze on his arms. "My poor Fernando never said anything and look what happened to him! Heart attack! Oh it's dreadful!"

"It is." Ryan says with a kind smile. "I'll be sure to let you know."

"Good boy." Maria says patting his cheek with a beaming smile. She lets go of him and claps her hands together. "Oh I almost forgot, I made dinner and I knew you weren't coming home until later so I saved you some of it!"

"Oh that's not necessary-"

"I won't take no for an answer!" Maria yells at him as she shuffles over to the kitchen and returns with a small container of something that smells heavenly. "Just bring me back my container and I'll be delighted!"

Ryan thanks her and shuffles quickly into his apartment. He loves that little old lady more than most people, he thinks as he opens the container and the heavenly smell of her cooking fills his otherwise empty and dark apartment. If she only knew who she had been feeding all these weeks, Ryan muses as he sits down and starts reading the file while eating.

\---

The hunt for the attorney general didn't provide much of a thrill for Ryan. The file had been extensive and provided him with more than enough information. George Paver, district attorney general is above all a boring man. Drives a black, standard issue car, the make and model the third most popular in the country. Likes his coffee black and from the same cafe every morning. Has a wife, who's having an affair with the pool boy behind his back. Nothing Ryan hasn't seen before. 

The boring ones are usually the easiest. This is true even for Paver, a man who should know better. Routines and the same driving routes day in, day out gives more than enough information and means for someone like Ryan to end it all. 

The barista doesn't smile at him as she gives him his coffee, looking more like she wants to jump into the highway a few blocks away than to make another latte. Ryan doesn't mind, thanks her and sits down in the corner by the window. The leather jacket is hanging in his apartment, the sunny day and the need to be incognito forced him out in a t-shirt and jeans. 

He sips his coffee as he watches the traffic outside. It's 8:03 AM and Paver would rush in any minute now to grab his coffee before making it to work. 

Predictability makes his work so easy and at the same time boring, he thinks as he watches the car pull up illegally on the same place on the curb as every time. Ryan gulps down the rest of his coffee and makes his way out the door, giving room for his mark to make it through before walking to his car parked just behind the now present black car. 

He hums a song that he heard on the radio on his way over as he walks around the car and stops to tie his shoelaces between their cars. When he's sure that nobody's watching and that he's still hidden from all of the cameras around him he quickly places the C4 underneath Paver's car, stands up and is driving half a block away when the deafening boom and fireball of the bomb illuminates his mirrors. 

\---

The text message from Ramsey moves his phone on his coffee table as he's eating some casserole Maria made for him. He doesn't pick it up immediately as he's watching the news report on the tragic death of the attorney general earlier this morning. 

Ryan smiles as he watches the report continue on detailing the false evidence he had left behind to incriminate one of the smaller rival gangs with beef with the crew. Fate and careful research had led him to find out that one of the leaders of the smaller gangs in the city had a little brother who had gotten incarcerated by Paver. Said little brother had died behind bars a year ago in a riot, providing Ryan a great scapegoat to take the heat for him. 

He turns of the TV as the news anchor continues to another story and picks up his phone. Only one new message from Ramsey. 

_"Meet me, tomorrow 10 am, same place."_

\---

"What do you mean that's dumb?" Free squeaks as the elevator doors ding open the next morning. 

Ryan takes a step out of the elevator and silences the conversation the three others were having before he arrived. Free looks at him silently, as Dooley bursts into a smile.

"Yo that was sick as fuck!" He exclaims with a broad smile. 

"I approve. The bigger the boom the better." Jones cackles beside him. "Nice job on the evidence, two stones and all. I owe you that beer, hit me up when you want to collect."

Ryan nods and watches Jones wrangle the two others into the elevator. Free is still looking at him, as if he's trying to understand him as the two others continue to harp on him. He doesn't move from underneath Free's gaze before the elevator doors shut and he's left alone in the hallway.

Something about Free puzzles him. The others are easy enough to understand, the mask and the person behind it. Even from his sources he got a good enough picture to make educated guesses on. The only one he's unsure of is Free. Everything he has on him points to him being a fool, a flashy but effective thief. Yet, there's something about the way he looks at him that makes him doubt that maybe there's more than that underneath the surface. 

He shakes his head and marches into the conference room. Ramsey looks up at him from the maps he had been studying and Pattillo glances up from her laptop. 

"Nice work!" Ramsey exclaims and points him to a chair opposite him. "Thank you, not only for the hit but for the false evidence."

"That was clever." Pattillo smiles from behind her computer as he sits down. 

Ryan stays silent as he sits content in watching the others. Besides, what's a man to say in a situation like this? His mother hadn't taught him the manners for these situations. 

"So as I told you before, consider that that was your trial." Ramsey says after a moment. "You proved yourself, not that you needed to do that with your reputation. There's a place for you if you want it. I'm sure you have questions?"

"A few." Ryan answers and shifts in his chair. "You're aware of my reputation?"

"Yes."

"I need you to understand that I'm not here to make friends. I'm here to do a job, a job that I do well, and although I'm looking for more stability that doesn't mean I'm going to be singing Kumbaya with you tomorrow."

"Okay." Ramsey says and leans back in his chair. "I think that's manageable."

"Good." Ryan answers. "I don't hurt kids or what counts as innocents in this city."

"Neither do we." Pattillo answers quickly. "We go after those who come after us, poses a threat or are generally speaking bad people."

"I can work with that."

"We usually do things here in pairs or in groups." Ramsey says. "There might be a case or two where I'll send you alone, but for the most part you're going with someone. Is this an issue?"

"No." Ryan answers trying his best to hide his scoff. As if he couldn't be professional. 

"Also-" Pattillo chimes in with a quick glance at Ramsey. "This crew operates on trust. That trust is fundamentally what's keeping us safe and leads us to be very comfortable around each other. We do things here on a first name basis unlike other crews. It's Geoff and Jack, not Ramsey and Pattillo, if you understand what I'm saying."

"Yeah." Ramsey agrees. "I don't expect you to be comfortable with it immediately, but if you're going to be a part of this crew it's going to be on a first name basis. That's of course only inside the house, inside the crew. When others are around it's code names or names that are already blown."

"You alright with that?" Pattillo asks and looks at him with kind eyes.

Ryan thinks for a moment, the discomfort of people knowing his name heavy on his heart. It's been years since the last time someone knew his actual name or could connect Ryan Haywood to the Vagabond. And yet, as he sat in silence with the two crew leaders he felt weirdly at home. Trust, he thinks as he looks around the room. If Los Santos is to become his home, if he's going to be settling down here for a period then why not. This crew, although eclectic and odd is still his first choice and he's finally ready to put in the work and trust to make this place his home. And if it didn't work out, he still could kill them all with ease and move on. 

Ryan nods and Pattillo, no Jack, beams as she nods back at him. 

"Great." Geoff says clapping his hands together. "We've got a heist planned for next week. The brief is tomorrow and I expect you to join us Ryan."


	2. Chapter Two

Ryan sighs as he enters the penthouse the next day. The ride here had been terrible, slow and timid drivers who seemed more or less determined to annoy Ryan had littered the streets and his patience for bullshit has run out. 

The penthouse seems more subdued as he makes his way towards the brief room. As he walks past the kitchen he sees Jones- Michael rummage the fridge. He spins around and looks at Ryan with a smile. He still has to remind himself of the first names, unsure on how comfortable he's about using first names instead of last names. He makes a concentrated effort though, as he's here on their turf. When in Rome and all that, he thinks.

"You want something to drink?" Michael asks turning around to grab a water bottle from the fridge.

Ryan shakes his head and Michael shrugs as if to say it's his loss. He falls into a comfortable step beside the resident demolitions guy as they make the short distance to the brief room in silence. He can feel curious eyes on him but he doesn't turn his head. 

"Ah you're here!" Geoff exclaims as they enter the brief room. 

Maps and documents of all sizes and colors lay scattered on the table and pinned to the walls. Geoff stands up from his chair at the top of the room to gesture seats to them. Michael bounces over to sit beside Jack, who meticulously straightens a pile of documents Michael managed to knock over with a scolding look at Michael who apologizes. Jeremy seems asleep in his chair between Michael and Geoff. His cowboy hat covers his face as he pays no attention to the mess around him. 

Gavin sits perched on one of the filing cabinets to the other side of the room, and looks Ryan straight in the eyes as he looks at him. His golden sunglasses are partially hidden in his unruly hair, his shirt open partially showing his chest and his converse shoes kick against the metallic cabinet with a steady beat. 

It's the first time Ryan's seen Gavin's face without the sunglasses blocking most of it. He doesn't know what to think as he turns his eyes away, taking a seat opposite Jack, careful not to disturb the papers on the desk. The rhythm of Gavin's kicks behind him is reverberating in his spine. 

In all the reports and intel he got from his sources before he met the Fakes, none of them had any knowledge of the man known as the Golden Boy, much less any intel on how he looks under the golden facade. Ryan doesn't know what it was that he had pictured, but the man sitting on the cabinet like a cat had not been it. Tanned skin, a large but oddly proportional nose and laughter lines by his eyes. Those green eyes looking at him seemed older and wiser than he let people understand. Ryan feels them stare at him, he's almost uncomfortable now under his gaze knowing his face and glimpsing at the man under the mask. 

"Get down from there." Geoff barks as he shuffles through the papers. Ryan hears a laugh from behind him and sees Gavin jump down from the cabinet and land almost entirely silently before taking his seat next to Ryan leaving a space between him and Geoff. 

Michael shoves Jeremy awake as Geoff starts to lay out the plan. It's nothing Ryan hasn't heard before from previous heists he's worked. Get in, get out, get away. It's not exactly rocket science. Gavin can't seem to stop fidgeting beside him and Ryan can't stop his eyes from wandering back to him.

"-And since this is the first heist with our new resident scary dude-" Geoff says and elicits laughter. "This heist will include zero parachutes to roofs, no laser guns or jets or anything wacky."

The crew groans almost in-sync as Ryan looks around, surprised about the list of things these guys expected. 

"So the plan is to get into the bank, blow the vault door and getaway. The tricky part is the vault. Gavin?"

"Yeah so, they've upgraded the door after the last time Michael blew up the entire basement." Gavin says pointing to one of the pictures on the wall. Michael beams as Jeremy hoots next to him. 

"So they got one of them 'unblowable doors'." Gavin says with heavy air quotes around the words. "The good news is that they're really thick at that bank. That door-" Gavin smiles as he points at the picture. "-is bloody easy to hack."

"So Gavin's hacking the door?" Jeremy asks pointing at Gavin. "The rest of us?"

"Gavin's in charge of getting the door open." Geoff confirms and writes it down on the whiteboard. "Michael, I want you and Jeremy running crowd control."

"Yes." Jeremy hisses with a high five with Michael. 

"Jack will be waiting outside in the car, ready to scoop up Michael and Gavin with the cash."

"Wait?" Michael looks confused at the board. "How do I have the money if I'm on crowd duty?"

"Excellent question Michael!" Geoff barks. "Gavin will head down to the basement with our newbie, open the door and pick up the cash into basic duffel bags. I'm expecting at least a few guards down there, so that's why there's two people heading downstairs. They will then run up and give one of the bags to Michael. Gavin you'll have the other bag with the money. You'll then run into the car Jack's in and drive away."

"Meanwhile Jeremy and the newbie-" Geoff groans and looks at Ryan. "Is it cool to share your name with the crew since "the newbie" is such a mouthful?"

"Sure." Ryan answers.

"So Jeremy and Ryan-"

"Ryan?" Gavin squeaks and turns around to look at him. "That's not anything that I thought it would be."

"What did you think it was?" Michael asks with a laugh. "You know he's human right?"

"I don't know, judging by the mask I thought it would be something scary." Gavin answers. "Like Wayne, or Norman? Not Ryan. That's a normal name."

"Thanks." Ryan deadpans and the crew laughs. 

"Alright, alright!" Geoff barks and returns the crews attention to the board. Gavin turns away the last. "So Jeremy and Ryan will make it to this point, a few alleyways away and speed away with empty duffels hopefully drawing the cops attention away from the mom car with the money. Everybody clear?"

A chorus of nods and confirmations echo in the room. Ryan looks around the room as Geoff shuffles through another pile of documents clearly having lost something judging by the frown on his face. Michael and Jeremy seem to discuss what guns to bring and what strategy of intimidation they'll use. 

"So-" Gavin says beside him and Ryan sees him lean over and rest his head against one of his arms to get a better look at Ryan. "You and me."

"You and me." Ryan repeats and finds himself oddly locked to Gavin's eyes. 

"We need a team name." Gavin says surprising Ryan. It's the last thing he'd expect to hear in this situation and he just stares at Gavin who seems to be deep in thought. 

"What about Team Gavin and Ryan-" Gavin frowns, "Nah, that's terrible. How about team Love & Stuff?"

"Sure." Ryan says still a bit unsure on how this will ever be relevant and just deciding to go along with Gavin. 

"Team Love & Stuff, I like it." Gavin says with a smile and falls silent beside him. Geoff has now moved to mutter over another pile of documents. Michael's up on his chair clearly demonstrating something to Jeremy. 

"So-" Ryan says to fill the silence as Gavin's still looking at him. "You sure you can hack that thing?"

"Absolutely." Gavin laughs. "That's last years model. It's like stealing candy from a baby."

"Good." Ryan says, not sure if he's comforted by the amount of confidence Gavin has. Geoff swears and huffs as he turns around from the files only to be met with Jack holding the right papers in her hand with a smile on her face. 

"Alright assholes listen up!" Geoff barks and Michael jumps down from the desk he had climbed. "These are lists of things that need to be done before we're ready. All of this needs to be done by next Wednesday, as that's the day we'll hit the bank. Team up!"

"I'm with Ryan!" Gavin calls before anybody has any time to react. 

"If you're sure buddy." Geoff says and hands him a paper with a to-do list. "Don't make him kill you."

"I'd never!" Gavin sings in a way with a innocent smile on his face that fills Ryan with dread. 

Ryan watches as Jeremy and Michael saunter out of the room to start on their list as Jack tucks her computer in her arms making her way to Geoff. Gavin's reading the list beside him and Ryan can see even from here that it's not a long list. 

"Should be easy." Gavin says as he hands the list to Ryan, stretching his arms above his head. 

Ryan nods as he reads the short list of mostly pickups and small scale theft. He gets up from the table and Gavin sprints to walk next to him. 

"What do you want to do first?" Gavin says as he takes the list into his hand. "The shopping's a bore."

"Agreed."

"We should probably get busy with the stalking first." Gavin muses and points at the list. "'Find out the schedule of the bank director.' That might take a while."

Ryan nods as he pushes the elevator button and closes the doors. Gavin leans against the back wall of the elevator and reaches up to pull his sunglasses down. 

"We could stalk him-" He muses reaching into his pocket to pull out a ridiculous golden watch and a few rings. "-or I could nick his phone."

"He'd notice and change his schedule" Ryan answers quickly.

"Alright. I could hack his phone and copy his calendar."

"Can you do it so that he doesn't notice it?" Ryan asks as he looks at Gavin clasping the watch around his wrist and putting on the rings with practiced ease. The Golden Boy, he thinks as Gavin looks in the mirror and adjusts his hair. 

"Ryan!" He exclaims with mock hurt. "Of course I can. I just need a minute and a distraction."

Gavin looses himself in his phone the moment he plops down into the car. Ryan climbs in and starts the car and manoeuvres it around Jeremy's larger than life truck and out of the garage. 

"Where to?" Ryan asks as the garage closes behind them. 

"I've got an idea on how to create an opening for us." Gavin says, looks up at him, the sun reflecting on his sunglasses and smirks. 

\---

"Miles!" Gavin cheers with a considerable amount of joy in his voice as he throws his arms out. 

The officer walking up to them doesn't seem too excited to be meeting Gavin, Ryan thinks as he notices the almost imperceivable wince in his step. 

"It's detective Luna." The man sighs as he steps up to the sidewalk. He shuffles his weight as he takes in Gavin's relaxed posture on the bench and the golden pistol he still has in his hand. Ryan raises his eyebrow at the clear lack of worry Gavin's radiating but remains silent and still by the car. The detective doesn't seem to notice or care about him, he muses with a smile. 

"Oh don't be such a spoilsport Miles!" Gavin laughs, his teeth shining in the direct sunlight. If Ryan didn't know better it's almost predatory the way Gavin leans forward with a smirk still lingering on his face. "What's the matter darling?"

Ryan notices the way the detective clenches his fist in his pocket and stands up straighter. He's almost certain nothing will happen but he feels like it's his job to keep Gavin from harms way. Gavin leans against his arms, leaning towards the detective as if he's actually interested in what he has to say.

"I've told you not to call me that-" The detective says with an edge just sharp enough to set off some of Ryan's alarms. He stands up slowly from where he had been leaning against his car and locks eyes with the detective as he takes two steps to tower over him by Gavin's side. 

The detective pays him attention for the first time since he stopped and takes a step back, almost falling off the sidewalk. Ryan crosses his arms across his chest, making sure to leave a good first impression as he squares his shoulders and glares down at him. 

Gavin giggles, his golden gun gleaming in Ryan's peripheral vision as the Golden Boy puts on a show. 

"Oh my I almost forgot!" He sings motioning towards Ryan. "Miles love, meet the Vagabond."

Ryan can feel the smugness radiate off of Gavin as the detective swallows and squares his shoulders in a vain attempt to scare him. Ryan tilts his head slightly and the detective stops in his tracks.

"Uh…" the detective clears his throat before turning his head towards Gavin and points a finger at him. "You-"

"Yes?" Gavin says drawing out the vowel into a singsong as he leans forward with that familiar smirk on his face. 

"You should know you're not allowed to wave that thing around-"

"This thing?" Gavin asks innocently and waves the gun around even more, the sun catching the gold and radiating rays of golden light around them. Ryan has to fight the urge to roll his eyes at his theatrics. "This thing that I've got a licence for?"

"You- wait what?"

"I've got a license." Gavin smirks emphasizing each syllable and holds a card up to the detective who seems to have lost most of the color in his face. "So unless you want to chat love, I'd suggest you move along to hassle some other poor bastard and leave me to enjoy my afternoon with my new friend."

Gavin's giggles accompany the detective as he makes a hasty exit, throwing around excuses Ryan knows are just for show. He has to admit that the detective is imaginative as he listens to his excuses get quieter as he gets into his car and drives away and disappears behind the corner. 

Gavin looks absolutely delighted as he stands up, stretches and smiles. 

"Tell me again why this was necessary?" Ryan asks, quickly looking away from the glimpse of Gavin's tanned skin that peeked under his shirt as Gavin looks at him. 

"That, love-" Gavin says and bounces towards him until he's close enough for Ryan to smell his scent. "- was Miles Luna, detective of the finest force in this city."

"So?" Ryan asks and takes a small step back from Gavin, who only smiles at him.

"So impatient!" Gavin smirks and rocks on his heels. "Miles also happens to be in charge of the task force tasked to hunt us down although we're not technically supposed to know that."

"And?"

"Christ you're not very smart after all." Gavin says and giggles at his glare. "He's never seen you before silly!"

"So…" Ryan says as he walks back to the car, hearing Gavin's quiet footsteps behind him. "You waved me around like a piece of meat?"

"A very nice, hunky piece of meat!" Gavin says as he follows Ryan to the car, resting his head in his hands on top of the roof of the car. Ryan can hear the wink in his voice. 

"Christ." Ryan mumbles and climbs in to the car trying to ignore the sudden heat on his cheeks, continuously happy that he decided to go with the mask all those years ago. 

"Anyhow-" Gavin sighs as he plops down and pulls his feet underneath him as Ryan starts the car. "He now knows about you- which he would've figured out sooner than later. That means he's scrambling to get to the station and update the squad, and that means he's off the streets for a few days researching and all that jazz. A few days without him and his squad gives us more than enough room to get close to the bank manager and get his calendar without Miles alerting him."

"Us?"

"You think I'm done with you already?" Gavin says with a small smile and for the first time since they left this morning he sounds sincere and more human like than he's been in public. "Oh no love, I like you and your style."

"My _style_?"

"You know-" Gavin says and motions at him. "The scary lunatic look."

"What makes you think it's a look?" Ryan says side-eyeing Gavin as he merges them into traffic. 

"Oh, I just have a feeling you're more than meets the eye."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew another Saturday and another chapter! I'm hoping you guys are along for the ride with me, next Saturday it's heist time!


	3. Chapter Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh my these updates keep getting earlier and earlier every Saturday! This time I need to rush off for the evening so I thought I'd share this earlier. Anyway, I hope you like this little heist, I'm loving your kudos and comments as they keep the fire lit. Next weeks chapter is the longest so far, so heads up loves! 
> 
> I'm thinking already about Christmas, more specifically posting two chapters that week but I'm not sure yet. If you have thoughts on that I'd love to hear from you. 
> 
> Gosh, I'll let you get to the reading! <3

If it wasn't for the nerves swirling deep in his stomach it would be a normal Wednesday as Ryan pours himself a coffee in the stillness of an early morning. The apartment is dark, the only source of light being the streetlights that filter through his curtains as he leans against the kitchen counter drinking his coffee.

Today is the day he muses going over his mental list of things to do before the heist. There's nothing left to do except for the heist itself, all of the shopping and preparing had been done a few days ago and he had returned to his apartment to spend the last few days alone.

Gavin had not lied when he said he wasn't done with him. It had taken a small miracle to get away from him. They made a good team together, tracking down bank managers and stealing necessities. Ryan has to admit that although the Brit always seemed to have something to say, he finds himself oddly okay with it. He doesn't know what's so different with Gavin, usually he's the first out the room when dealing with people who never shut up. Gavin is the opposite, Ryan found himself missing the constant noise when he finally got alone time. He had forgotten how to ignore the ghosts in his head without the constant chatter.

Not that it matters now. He pushes off the counter and rinses his mug. He pulls on the dark overalls he stole with Gavin a week ago and sneaks out of the apartment through the back staircase to avoid being spotted by Maria or other curious eyes.

The penthouse is crackling with nervous energy as the elevator dings open and Ryan steps out and into the apartment. Ryan is not the first at the penthouse but for a change he isn't the last. Geoff paces in the kitchen muttering to himself as he steps out of the elevator. As he gets closer he realizes Geoff's muttering the heist plan over and over again to himself.

"Nervous?" Jack asks him as she enters the kitchen tying her hair into a messy bun on her head. She looks different, her makeup and her clothes all screaming soccer mom. She notices Ryan staring at her and poses. "Don't I look just deliciously suburban to you?"

"Absolutely." Ryan answers as he sits down at the bar. "You're gonna blend in flawlessly."

"That's the point." She bows as she laughs before walking past Geoff to get water.

Ryan declines a water bottle Jack's offering him. The elevator dings behind him and he turns around to see Michael saunter in with a yawn.

"Morning!" Jack calls out to him. "Coffee?"

"Yes please." Michael groans and slumps over the bar as he sits next to Ryan. "It's too early to be awake."

"Maybe you shouldn't have been up all night." Jack says as she places a cup of coffee in front of Michael.

"The raid was out, and I know you were up trying to beat it as well." Michael responds and downs the coffee.

"You can't prove anything." Jack says with a wink and grabs the empty coffee cup and rinses it. "Jeremy should be here by now, he should have the outfits, right?"

"Speak of the devil!" Michael hollers as Jeremy emerges from the elevator with a large bag on his shoulder. "Now it's only Gavin who's missing."

"He was downstairs" Jeremy laughs. "I saw him run into the lobby as the doors closed."

"You should've waited for him." Jack says trying her best to hide her smile.

"Now what's the fun in that?" Jeremy laughs and dumps the bag on the nearby couch. "Rummage through Santa's sack kids!"

"Gross." Michael says but pulls his generic dark overall out of the bag and starts to change. The dark overalls Ryan's wearing matches Michael's and the ones Jeremy's pulling out of the bag. Untraceable and unrecognizable, just as they want it.

"Jeremy!" Gavin yells and storms out of the elevator. The crew laugh but Ryan stays silent watching Gavin storm over and fume by Jeremy's side.

No sunglasses or fancy watches this time, Ryan muses as he watches the lads bicker with each other. His hair's tamer than usual and his clothes are almost plain as he starts to pull his shirt off and put his bullet proof vest on before hopping into his overalls. Ryan looks away as Gavin turns around, hopeful that he didn't see the way his eyes lingered on his back tracing the edges of lean muscles under tanned skin. Ryan fidgets with his phone as the rest of them ready up and keeps his eyes strictly away from the living room.

The elevator ride down is crammed as the five of them cram themselves into the tiny box. It looks like a mom and her four rowdy plumber sons, Ryan thinks with a smile on his face as they make their way to the garage. Ryan's wedged between Michael and the back wall as Gavin stands in front of him with Jack beside him trying to reach the buttons. Ryan smells Gavin's scent around him, familiar and weirdly exciting and he shakes his head to think straight.

"Ryan, you drive the van." Michael says as they reach down and part ways with Jack who rushes over to the decidedly suburban getaway car. Ryan nods at Michael and climbs into the driver seat as the rest of them climb into the back where they're hidden from view. Jeremy throws him his new mask.

"An owl?" He asks as he puts the mask down on the empty seat next to him and looks at the crew through the mirror.

"You're absolutely an owl Ryan. And well, there's limited options." Jeremy replies as he pulls his raccoon mask on. "Since it's an animal theme and all."

Michael imitates a monkey as he pulls on his monkey mask and Gavin laughs at him while pulling on his fox mask. Ryan rolls his eyes and starts the car, driving them out of the garage and slowly and inconspicuously to the bank where he parks by the doors.

Ryan ducks quickly down and changes his scull mask with the owl mask and emerges back up. He squeezes himself to the back of the van to wait with the others. Gavin plays with the strap on the backpack he's wearing as Jeremy hums a song beside Gavin.

"This is so weird looking." Michael laughs and all of them laugh with him. The nerves are high in the car and Ryan's feeling the familiar sensation in his stomach as he waits for the go ahead from Geoff.

"Remember the plan." Geoff reminds them as they idle in the car by the bank. His voice is strong and in charge even through the earpiece and Ryan feels a wave of nostalgia rush through him. It had been a while since his last heist, even more time since his last heist in a group with a firm plan and a good leader. "Follow the plan and nothing bad will happen. I'll see you on the other side."

Michael's knee bounces up and down next to him as he reloads his guns.

"Excited?" Michael asks with a laugh looking at Ryan. He seems ready to go, itching for a fight. Ryan nods at him and grabs his machine gun as the four of them pile out of the car and rush into the bank.

It has been a while, Ryan thinks as he follows Michael's lead and subdues the small crowd in the bank before securing the way for Gavin to get to the vault. Jeremy's shouts mix with Michael's cackle as Ryan kicks open the gate to the back of the bank.

"Ooh my." Gavin giggles as he brushes past him, already bouncing down the stairs leading to the vault. "What's the matter, cat got your tongue?"

Ryan rolls his eyes and barrels down to Gavin and pushes him to the side on the small landing. He places a firm hand on Gavin's chest as he pushes him against the wall taking the shot and downing the guard that emerged at the bottom of the stairs. Ryan turns to face Gavin and he swears he can sense Gavin's smirk even under the fox mask.

"You're going to get yourself killed. ”He growls at Gavin, not sure if his intimidation is working on him. Judging by how Gavin swallows, he suspects it might. "Let me lead, that's the plan."

"Yes sir!" Gavin answers a bit too eagerly and hovers behind him as Ryan makes quick work of the two guards rushing away from the vault.

Gavin steps over their bodies and rushes over to the desk by the vault door. He removes his laptop from his backpack and starts typing away. Ryan turns his back on him and guns down the lone guard barreling down the stairs before taking a shot and destroying the cameras near the vault.

"All done! You got the cameras?" Gavin exclaims as the vault door spring open. Ryan nods and rushes back and tosses one of the bags to Gavin as they start to pile the fresh bills into them. Gavin pulls his mask up, so he can see better as they make quick work of the trays in the vault and Gavin grabs some of the loose jewelry and tosses them into his bag.

"You got it all?" Ryan asks as he takes a step out of the vault and turns to look at Gavin who's following him. Gavin smirks and looks like he's going to answer him but looks away from him as he feels the bullet do whizzing past his face and tearing the cheek on his mask. He turns around and unleashes hell on the teller trying to be a hero with his pistol before ripping his mask off to assess the damage.

Time stops for a moment as he realizes that his mask is in his hand. The sporadic gunfire from the level above him muffles as he looks up at Gavin who's looking at him with his mouth hanging open. He can see his face clear as day reflected in the shiny metal vault door right behind Gavin's back.

"Ryan?" Gavin's voice is shocked and small as he takes in his face, all of it, for the first time and Ryan's never felt so naked before in his life.

Time speeds back up again as he pulls the mask back over his head. No cameras at this angle he thinks, but uncertainty has already started to pool in his stomach. Gavin is across from him, still looking at him. Ryan looks at him, his stomach sinking at the thought of him knowing his face this early and half of his brain is already running through contingency plans.

Gavin needs to die. He needs to die like all the others before him, the unfortunate ones who glimpsed the man under the mask, the ones who lied and betrayed only to figure him out. All of them buried deep in the earth, or at the bottom of the sea, or burned in house fires, never to be seen again. Gavin would need to die.

The man opposite him looks shocked. The gravity of the small mistake lingers around them as Ryan's mind races. Gavin needs to die and yet his mouth is dry, and his stomach is upset and he wants to run and hide and yet he knows what he needs to do. A secret of this magnitude would never stay a secret, it couldn't. And yet Gavin's eyes are on him with a firmness he's not seen before.

Gavin closes his mouth, shakes his head and rips his mic out of his ear and muffles it in his hands.

"Your secret is safe with me." Gavin says, his voice even and sincere. Ryan doesn't know what to say to him, adrenaline rushing through his system not only because of the gunfight but also because his only refuge was his secret identity. All of the things that came with nobody knowing his face lays now in Gavin's hands. The Golden Boy, the fool, the thief, the conman-

"Why?" He asks Gavin, not sure why he cares. He knows he should be putting a bullet through his brain right now before he has to find out if he's on any cameras. Gavin. Of all the people it had to be Gavin. Why did this hurt so much?

"I know a thing or two about masks." Gavin replies. He sounds tired, Ryan thinks. "And even more about secrets. Cross my heart and all that."

His heart beats loud in his chest as they stand silently under the cold fluorescent lights in the hallway. And for some reason Ryan's not sure of, he lifts his finger off of his trigger and nods.

"…Let's go." Ryan says and leads them through the hallways and up the stairs to the main floor. Gavin pulls his mask back on as they near the working cameras again. He follows Ryan close and as they pause by the door he sees him staring at him. They're quiet and even with their masks on there's a weight hanging around them. A bond. A secret. And oddly, a deeper understanding of each other. Gavin reaches his hand out and grabs his arm with a firm squeeze. Ryan blinks, opens the door and Gavin almost transforms in front of him, throwing his shoulders back and radiating confidence as he rushes through the door.

"Micoo!" Ryan hears Gavin coo as he follows him through to the lobby of the bank. "Got the money boi!"

"Let's roll!" Geoff orders in their ears as they split up and head out. Ryan follows Jeremy left from the side door but casts a glance at Gavin hopping into the car waiting for him and Michael to the right of the door.

"Come on!" Jeremy mutters as Ryan focuses back onto him and the plan. His lungs scream at him as he sprints by Jeremy's side through alley after alley before turning the corner to see their bikes right where they stashed them. "Yes!"

"I'll see you at the rendezvous!" Jeremy hollers as he barely has the time to put his helmet on before he's barreling down the road with his decoy duffel bag.

Ryan straddles his bike and carefully maneuvers it so that the cops sees him from the road and waits. Geoff told him to make a run for it immediately, but Ryan knows he needs to be seen first. His fingers itch on the throttle as he feels the surge of adrenaline pump through him, the powerful motorcycle between his legs and the empty bag flung across his back. He chuckles as he waits, never feeling more alive than in moments like these.

The voices coming through his earpiece seem so far away as he waits, no lies in wait for the first sign of cops. He bares his teeth in a lopsided smirk as he sees the first car pull into the alley in front of him. Now or never.

Ryan revs the engine as he speeds past the car with a mock salute and turns right and heads into the hills. The secret's out now for all to see, he thinks as he climbs higher and higher and weaves through traffic evading the blue lights behind him.

The Vagabond's with the Fakes.


	4. Chapter Four

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This one is a long one, and the chapter I'm really nervous about. Nevertheless I hope you guys like it, and as always happy reading! <3

The sun sets behind the other high rises as Ryan sips his drink. It's late, not only did their escape take its time but the dividing of the money took time. His take was even with the rest of theirs, a surprise to him since he usually counted on someone swindling money from the final pot. 

The adrenaline of the heist wore off the lower the sun got on the sky and it had been a while since Jack had turned off the TV in the living room that had been blasting the news. None of the reporting came back to point fingers at them as planned and they are free to enjoy their evening. 

Ryan was not prepared for the party on top of the penthouse, but he stays nonetheless. He doesn't know why exactly he chose to stay and he finds no answers even now as he stands by the doors to the balcony watching the others play by the pool. 

He knows he should be elated by their success and the money that rests now in his bank account, but he cannot find peace as he fidgets with his drink. It's cool in the shade and his leather jacket hangs heavy on his shoulders and his mask is thick and heavy on his head. The after-heist blues linger around him, a lightness of not having anything on the agenda that usually feels so airy and delicious but now there's a heaviness inside of him that makes him uncomfortable. 

This afternoon had marked something profound for him, a change and a shift in the beliefs that had brought him here. One slip-up that haunts him still, he figures it will for a while. Something so stupid and reckless that has such lasting effects shouldn't happen to him anymore. Taking his mask off in a heist, in company of someone he's known for less than a month is outrageously idiotic. 

He scowls into his drink as he chastises himself. Since the heat had died down somewhere in the hills of Los Santos he hasn't been able to stop himself. 

He looks up and watches Gavin from afar as he's lounging by the poolside with a beer in his hand. Back in his tight jeans and t-shirt, the sunglasses up in his hair he looks more relaxed than he's seen him. A successful heist does that, he muses as he watches Gavin turn and look at him. Their eyes meet, and Ryan turns away quickly. It's not the first time he's caught Gavin looking at him, sometimes so deep in thought it made the hair on the back of Ryan's head stand up just imagining what he must be thinking about him.

He doesn't know if it's better or worse that it's Gavin who had seen him. He doesn't know if he made the right decision trusting him. He doesn't know why he made that decision, so opposite of all of the previous incidents of the same nature. He can't shake that feeling of falling, of vulnerability, of placing his life in the hands of a stranger. 

Not that Gavin's such a stranger. Ryan knows a lot about him already considering that the Golden Boy never seems to shut up. And yet here as he peeks at Gavin laughing freely with the others he can't help but to feel like he doesn't know anything at all. 

And besides, Gavin said to him that he knew a thing or two about masks. Ryan can't help but to feel like he's still on the outside with Gavin, still figuring him out when the rest of the crew had been so easy to pinpoint. The Golden Boy with the jokes and the flirt and yet the knowing eyes hidden behind his sunglasses is so much more than he knew to expect.

"Standing here by yourself?" Jack asks and leans on the wall beside him. She smiles at him as he looks at him. "Still with the mask huh?"

Ryan doesn't answer and looks away. Gavin turns too quickly as he scans the room and Ryan knows Gavin had been looking at him. The nervous energy in his stomach bubbles as he tries to ignore the feeling of something impending looming just beyond his grasp. His nerves crackle with energy.

"Not much of a talker, right." Jack says and sips her cocktail. She's silent beside him for a while before turning back to look at him. "You did good today."

"Thanks."

"I mean it. I can't imagine it's easy jumping into a crew that's already quite close."

His fist clenches in his pocket as he drowns her voice out. He's not sure if she knows what she's saying to him and with his doubts about the entire situation she's not making it easy for him. He should go, she's right about that they're close. Doubt mixes with the nervousness that's boiling inside of him and he feels nauseous. 

He should go. And yet he can't. What's to say Gavin won't tell someone about his face. What's to say he lets it slip just by being careless. He should go and yet every fiber in his body refuses to silence Gavin. 

He's trapped. 

"-I'm just saying that it's alright-" Jack's voice is faraway as he turns around and walks back inside to the penthouse. The energy within him is like electricity and he feels trapped in this glass-box of an office high in the sky. He walks to the bathroom and locks the door behind him. 

Pacing around in the bathroom his mind races. Confinement and feeling trapped never suited him and the urge to just run overpowers him. But he knows that he cannot make mistakes now. Gavin knows his face and it terrifies Ryan beyond anything. He can't be kicked out now, he needs to stay within the crew to protect his secret. If he's out what's to say his secret won't be as well. 

So he swallows the rising tide of electricity and walks back out to the balcony. 

Jack looks at him worried as he returns. The others seem to have started wrestling as the alcohol has started to set in. Gavin's climbing Michael's back as both Gavin and Jeremy try to take him down. His eyes linger on the golden tones in his hair as the wind around them pick up making Jack shiver beside him. 

"You okay?"

"I'm fine." He lies and tries to sound positive. He sips on his drink as Jack looks at him for a while before letting it go. "So, when's the next gig?"

"When's the next what?" Geoff asks as he emerges back outside from his office with a coke in his hand. 

"Ryan was asking about the next heist." Jack says as Geoff wraps his arm around her shoulders. 

"Oh, that's gonna take a while." Geoff muses. "Need to let the heat die down."

"Oh okay." Ryan says and his stomach sinks. A mission or a task is what he needs to get rid of the energy and electricity that flows inside of him. He might need to figure something on his own. Maybe someone has a hit he can take in the downtime- 

"You wanting to get out there again?" Geoff asks and hollers as Michael throws Gavin into the outdoor couch and barrels towards Jeremy. 

"You got something?"

"I might." Geoff drawls looking at him intensely. "Why? Wasn't this enough?"

"It was." Ryan admits with a small shrug. "I'm just not used to sit around in between jobs."

"I can understand that." Geoff says nodding. "Sure, I'll let you do this one thing and then I'll see if that turns out okay or if you're benched until the next heist."

Ryan nods, the mask hiding his smile. 

"What's happening?" Gavin asks as he joins them on the sidelines rubbing his neck after the wrestling. 

"Ryan's antsy and wants something to do." Jack says, and Gavin looks at him. Yet again those eyes look deep into his soul and Ryan shifts his weight uncomfortable by the intense knowing look on Gavin's face. 

"There's the intel job." Gavin says, and Geoff throws his arms out. 

"No shit. I was just about to give it to him." 

"Ain't it better if I do it?" Gavin says. "After all the mission is for me, by me?"

"Eh whatever." Geoff says waving his hand around at them. "Less work for me I guess." 

Ryan follows Gavin hesitantly into the penthouse, the sounds of Michael and Jeremy's fight getting quieter and quieter with each step. The bounce in his step and the sway of his head tells Ryan that's Gavin seems to be in a good mood after the heist. The beers might also have something to do with it. 

Gavin leads him to the end of the hallway he's seen on his way to the brief room and opens a door on the left side of the corridor. He holds the door open for him and smiles as Ryan walks past him and into the dark room. 

Downtown Los Santos shines through the large windows of the small office as Ryan hears Gavin enter behind him and turn on the lights. The office is light and airy and they're both reflected on the now mirror-like windows. 

Gavin walks around him to the other side of the desk with a huge computer screen on. There's neatly filed documents on all surfaces around the room except for his desk. Ryan sees that the files open on his desk are still being worked on, a few of the files open and almost empty and a few filled to the brim with documents. The text is too small for him to read from this distance and upside down so Ryan loses his interest in the files quickly. 

The electricity within him seems magnified in the silent office alone with Gavin. He clenches his fist, almost certain that he's leaving nail marks on his palms. A large painting hangs on the wall next to him and he turns to look at it desperate for a distraction from the swirling mess of emotions within him. He needs to get through this, just a little longer and then he can let it all out when he's alone. He can't do that yet, not here with Gavin's eyes drilling holes into the back of his head with every passing tick of the clock.

"You like it?" Gavin asks breaking the silence with his soft question. Ryan jumps at the sound of his voice and looks back at Gavin who looks at him curiously, peering over the computer.

"Sure." Ryan answers not sure why Gavin had asked him that. He's painfully aware of the smile on Gavin's face and he can't help but to look at the man behind the computer no matter how much it makes the mess inside him swirl. 

"You know I was close to killing you in the bank." Ryan says not sure why he does. The words spill out of him like blood in a desperate attempt to calm the storm inside of him. Gavin's silent for a while, his hands still holding the papers he had before Ryan's words. 

"Yeah I figured." Gavin finally says his eyes looking deep into Ryan's and he knows the attempt to calm the storm only made it worse. He wasn't prepared for the understanding in those green eyes. "Why didn't you?"

"I don't know." He says with uncertainty. "Maybe I should've."

"Don't I get a say in this?"

"I don't know." Ryan huffs suddenly desperately aware of the nails in his palms and the irritation in his bones. He turns back to look at the painting on the wall wanting nothing more than to be out of this room.

"It's by Monet. I like his work a lot." Gavin says softly behind him. Ryan clenches his jaw trying to keep his cool. Just a moment more and then he's free. "It's the real deal as well, nicked it a few years ago. You know his work?"

"Some." Ryan answers trying his hardest to keep a neutral voice, but he knows Gavin hears the edge in his voice. "I find his colors remarkable." 

"Huh." Gavin muses behind him. "You know you do continue to surprise me-"

"Why?" Ryan snaps turning around to face Gavin. "Is it so difficult to understand that I'm a person as well? That I'm just some sort of monster, right? I know this story already Gavin and frankly? I'm over it."

"No!" Gavin squeaks and reels back. "It's not like that."

"Whatever." Ryan growls back at him now shaking with the effort of not grabbing Gavin. He's not even sure what he'd do but he knows he shouldn't. "Didn't you have a job for me?"

Gavin's eyes lock with his and it feels like thunder within Ryan. He doesn't know what it is about Gavin that intensify his emotions but he's nauseous with the nerves and the feeling of being trapped. He needs to go and yet he's locked with Gavin, who seems as lost in thought as Ryan is. It takes a while before he tears his eyes away from Ryan's. 

"Everything you should need is in this file. We need more intel on one of the gang leaders out east. It's a quick surveillance job that shouldn't be too dangerous." 

Gavin closes one of the files in a hurry and walks back to Ryan and gives it to him. He's close to him and his breath smells of alcohol and Ryan's acutely aware of their surroundings. He rushes to take a step back and an emotion Ryan cannot grasp flashes across Gavin's face. 

"Thanks." Ryan says his voice strained with the effort of keeping his facade up 

"I'll see you around?" Gavin asks trying to read him although he can only see his eyes through the mask.

Ryan doesn't answer him as he walks out of the room and practically sprints to the elevator to avoid questions and curious looks from the rest of them. He's got no answers for them as he got none for the questions that swirl in his head as he watches the doors of the elevator close just as Gavin exits his office. Their eyes lock and Ryan's never been more thankful for the elevator doors closing as he is now. 

That flashing look on Gavin's face stays with him all the way to his apartment, through his hasty talk with Maria, his shower and haunts him as he closes his eyes. The darkness of the apartment and the soft hum of his fridge heighten his senses. He needs something to think about, he curses as he jumps back out of his bed and stomps over to the file on his kitchen counter. 

Taking a quick look at the file he decides to head out, maybe check out the compound and get some work done. It's not like he can sleep. He throws on his clothes, picks up his jacket and sneaks past Maria's door and out of the apartment building. No time like now, he thinks as he pulls on his mask in the darkness of his garage and straddles his bike. Nothing like infiltrating a compound to clear his head. 

The wind is cold and refreshing as he speeds through the almost desolate roads of Los Santos' underbelly. The shadows in the alleys he passes are long and dark and the only people out at this hour seem in a hurry to get home. The electricity inside of him had died down as he left the penthouse, but he still feels some of it crackling in his bones. 

Being trapped, although not uncommon for his line of work, never suited him. Jumping from job to job in an attempt to keep his distance always led to commitment of some sort later down the road. And commitment never ended well with him. How could it? An assassin working with blood and steel craving for stability and trust? 

Besides it's not like he needs anything like that. He's perfectly capable of being by himself, working by himself and trusting only himself. It had worked thus far and he's confident it would work in the future as well. And yet he feels this nauseating pull towards the crew, a pull he hasn't felt in a while. Not since his first gang that ended with fire and blood and more than enough reasons to stay clear of crews. The more the merrier they say, well his experience told him the more the messier. 

He knows he should and could leave right now. Pack his bags, say his goodbyes to Maria and leave. Even with Gavin knowing his face there's ways to deal with it. Maybe he could go back east or back to Europe, he thinks as he turns a corner and water from a puddle drench his jeans. Wishful thinking, he scowls as he remembers why he left and why he's not safe in either place. Truth be told this is his last safe stop.

And he ruined it all with a stupid rookie mistake. And then spent the time after the mistake mulling in it until he felt like he would explode with the tidal wave of emotions. Stupid, he curses and slows down as he nears the compound drawn in the map in the folder Gavin gave him. 

He stashes his bike behind a dumpster in an alley just to the east of the compound. He reaches for the folder and frowns as the pictures don't match the buildings he sees in front of him. The map is right and he sees activity in the compound of abandoned warehouses by the river. He shakes his head and moves closer to the gates hidden deep in the shadows. 

"Did Collins call for you too?" A man dressed in clear crew attire asks the man by the gate as Ryan gets there. Ryan leans back into the shadows and listens to their conversation in hopes of learning something useful. 

"What? No. Did you do something? You know getting called to her office is bad news, right?" The guard says clearly alarmed by the other man. 

"I didn't do nothing, at least nothing she needs to worry her pretty little head with."

"Careful." The guard whispers glancing around him. "Boss got ears everywhere."

"Pfft please she doesn't scare me." The man laughs and starts to head back towards one of the warehouses. 

The guard mutters insults at the retreating man and moves over to the side to where he cannot see the gate. Ryan squeezes himself through the gate and darts to the side of the compound where the lights in the yard doesn't illuminate him. 

There's more people here than the file had led him to believe. He curses silently and pulls out the file. According to it there should be a older man in charge and yet all the signs point to a female leader. He's confused but maybe there's just been a change in leadership recently. 

A slender red-haired woman moves through the main doors to the largest warehouse and judging by her posture and the small armada of crew around her she must be the Collins he heard about. She frowns as she listens to one of the others talk and Ryan leans forward to hear what they're saying. 

He can't get a good read on the conversation before he hears sand move behind him. He whips around to stare into the barrel of a gun. Several guns he realizes as he looks up at the group of gang members pointing their weapons at him fingers on the trigger. 

"What do we have here?" One of them sings and before Ryan manages to reach for his pistol he feels something cold and heavy hit him in the head and he goes down.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Next week Saturday lands on the 23rd. There might be issues with that as I'm traveling home for Christmas as we celebrate it on the 24th. I might publish it early on Friday the 22nd or maybe possibly on Saturday although the timing might differ. But there will be a chapter somewhere in that mix and I hope I'll see you then! <3


	5. Chapter Five

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Oh god I'm so sorry for the late chapter; I forgot to move the text from my computer to AO3 before I traveled home for the holidays! It's here now though! I hope you like it, I'll have to think about if I have the time/buffer of text to publish a new chapter on Saturday as the holidays and travelling kinda messed it all up! So if there's no chapter on the 30th, there'll be one on the following Saturday. I hope that's cool with you, writers block has eaten up my chapter buffer and I need to get busy to regain it.
> 
> I hope you guys had a very happy holidays and happy reading! <3

_Snow proved to be one of the more difficult aspects of this job. No matter how well he dressed, no matter the amount of layers he put on he couldn't keep the biting cold at bay. The harsh mountain winds cut through his gloves as he rushes through the recently picked door closing it behind him. The howling of the wind dies down as he removes his hat and carefully enters the back office. It's empty, as had been most of the compound just outside of Geneva and he thanks what deity might be listening as he ruffles through the files they'd left behind._

__

_His heart skips a beat as the front door opens and he presses himself against the wall grabbing his pistol and readying himself for a fight._

__

_"…Ryan?"_

__

_He swears under his breath and emerges into the front room where she stands with a flashlight in her hand. Her hair shines in the light, almost golden in it's tone as she moves towards him. Her gait is comfortable in the thick winter clothing, something he envied her of. ___

____

__

____

_"Julia I told you not to follow me." Ryan growls grabbing her arm. "I told you to stay in the hotel."_

____

__

____

_"You also told me to tell you if someone comes asking for you. They were there again Ryan, and this time they kept knocking until I answered."_

____

__

____

_"You alright? Did they hurt you?" ___

______ _ _

__

______ _ _

_"I'm fine." She rolls her green eyes but he sees the worry in her eyes. He swears and pulls her in for a hug. His guilty conscious weighs heavy around him as he holds her close._

______ _ _

__

______ _ _

_"I'm sorry I shouldn't have asked you to do this."_

______ _ _

__

______ _ _

_"It's alright. I agreed to it." She says with a smile in her voice so pure and wonderful his heart skips a beat. "I'm your wife after all."_

______ _ _

He stirs awake. Every fiber in his body hurts as he struggles to gain consciousness. He remembers that he's in Los Santos and not Geneva with a jolt as he rattles the chains holding his hands up, stumbling on his tiptoes as he looks around the room. Blood has dried on his face, his blood, and his swollen eye makes it difficult to see the room as it spins around him. Flashes of memories of fists and metal flash through his mind as he tries to remember as much as he can to no avail. Trapped again, this time by chains and not memories and secrets.

______ _ _

It takes every ounce of his will to focus on the moment and to ignore the dull throbbing pain at the back of his head. No use in worrying about that now, all that matters is to get down and out of this room before someone comes for him. It's not like he's never done this before but he's starting to get sick of waking up like this, tied and bloodied in someones basement. 

______ _ _

"Fuck." He assesses his situation and a plan starts to form in his head. He yanks the chains around his wrists. His yanking makes one of the loops looser but the sounds of nearing footsteps halts his progress. 

______ _ _

The woman from before enters the room, her long red hair in a high ponytail and clothes that screamed that she'll be efficient and ready for what she's here to do. 

______ _ _

"The princess is awake!" She sounds terribly excited as she sees he's awake. Ryan sees her smug smile before Collins enters the light under which he's hanging. She grabs his jaw and turns his head to take a better look at him. "Not so pretty anymore, huh?"

______ _ _

Ryan stays silent. She lets his face go with a laugh as she walks around the room. 

______ _ _

"Let me introduce myself. I'm Mary Collins, but you can call me Collins." She says matter of factly, her voice echoing from the barren walls. "Now you're a long way from home aren't you? Well don't worry honey, I'll get what I want from you one way or another."

______ _ _

Ryan stays silent once more, carefully listening to what she's up to behind him. 

______ _ _

"Not so scary are you? Hanging here like a pinata-" Ryan hears the sound of metal being dragged across the floor. "It would be a shame to let something like this go to waste…"

______ _ _

He almost bites his tongue off as the first hit with a metal pipe collides with his ribs. He can feel the shattering as he focuses on his breathing. He thrashes against the chains and just as he thought one of his wrist is almost through. He just needs to take a few hits, he needs to endure whatever she's planning. Whatever she plans, it can't be worse than what he's done to others himself, he thinks and braces himself. Pain is only in the mind, he's been through worse. 

______ _ _

"Aw, you're no fun." Collins coos before slamming the pipe against him once more. A grunt escapes his mouth as he bites his teeth together. He tastes blood. "Now that's more like it!" 

______ _ _

She still too far from him for him to do anything. He listens to her saunter around him until she's right in front of him again. The pipe is long and heavy in her arms as she leans against it as she looks at him. His wrist is almost through.

______ _ _

"I like to hear you darling." She coos taking a step closer. The pipe drags behind her, a noise he's sure he'll remember. 

______ _ _

"Fuck you." He spits at her feet. She needs to get just a bit closer, his wrist is almost loose. 

______ _ _

"That's no way to talk to a lady-" She growls taking a step forward to grab his jaw. Ryan yanks hard and his hand is free and his arm is around her neck squeezing as he lifts his legs to wrap around her to contain her. She wheezes in his embrace, trying to struggle clawing at his arm before she gets more and more sloppy, and finally stops breathing. 

______ _ _

He drops her and the metal pipe rolls on the floor. His ribs are killing him and he groans as he reaches back up to release his other hand. He drops to his knees with a thud as his wrist is freed. 

______ _ _

He gets up with shaky legs as he assesses the room. Collins' lifeless body is slumped beside him and he finds the keys to the compound in her pockets. He grabs his clothes from the corner of the room and puts them on, the adrenaline pumping in his veins and dulling most of the pain. His ribs and lungs protest with every move and he knows his face is busted as he wipes the blood away from his eyes. 

______ _ _

He pulls on his mask and marches towards the table that had been behind him to take stock. Pipes, scalpels, knives, instruments he doesn't have a name for. It's obvious that they planned for him to die in this room. He chuckles as he picks up a pair of knives from the table, weighing them in his hands.

______ _ _

Time to get back home. 

______ _ _

The first guards outside are child's play. A knife in the jugular of the left one and a cut throat on the right one. He picks up their guns, reloads and heads up from the basement. 

______ _ _

It doesn't take long before the compound is a graveyard. Ryan's panting hard by the time he reaches Collins' office. He's covered in blood, but this time it's not all his as he rummages through the office and gathers everything that might be important in a duffel bag. His hand leaves a bloody hand print on the bag as he grabs it and moves outside. 

______ _ _

He flings the bag in the backseat of the car he finds outside and looks back at the compound. It's quiet and early in the morning he realizes as he leans against the car. He's exhausted, shattered and in the severe need for a shower. He would need to come back for his bike later. He sighs and sits down with a hiss in the car before driving through the gates and merging onto the highway heading for downtown. He's not far before he presses the button and the bombs he left in the compound explode and level the entire graveyard to pieces. 

______ _ _

Good riddance. 

______ _ _

He sits in the car for a while before he exits it. The skyscraper is tall and looms over him and a wave of frustration washes over him. If it wasn't for the bad intel he had been given, none of this would've happened. He grabs the bag of intel from the car and stands tall no matter how much his ribs and his face ache and marches into the elevator. 

______ _ _

As the elevator music fills his ears during the long ride to the penthouse his anger doesn't simmer down. His knuckles are white as he holds the bag and he can feel the blood on his face stick to his mask. Exhaustion and anger seeps into his bones as the elevator doors ding open to the penthouse. 

______ _ _

As he steps out of the elevator the penthouse goes quiet. The lads stop their wrestling in the living room, Jack stops in her tracks on her way to the kitchen and Geoff looks up from his laptop as he sits in the kitchen. 

______ _ _

Ryan's boots are heavy and loud and he's sure he's leaving footprints of blood and mud on the hardwood floor as he stalks his way to the kitchen and slams the bag down on the island making the water in Geoff's glass vibrate. Geoff looks up at him with his eyes wide and a concerned and confused look on his face. 

______ _ _

"What-" 

______ _ _

"Collins' office." Ryan spits out with a growl so deep he feels it in his chest. Anger surges through him like familiar electricity overriding his pain as he clenches his fists with white knuckles. 

______ _ _

"Wait what-" Geoff stands up and rummages through the bag getting more and more confused. 

______ _ _

Ryan sees movement in the corner of his eye and whips his head around to watch as Michael throws an arm to stop Gavin from moving. The lad has taken a step towards him, uncertainty and worry in his face. 

______ _ _

"Is that your blood?" Michael asks carefully, still holding on to Gavin. Ryan doesn't answer him just stares at him as Gavin speaks up.

______ _ _

"Are you oka-"

______ _ _

"Fine." Ryan answers with more venom than he thought was possible and although it hurts his ribs like hell fire he growls it out like a feral animal. He points a finger at Gavin. A drop of blood drips on the hardwood floor. "No thanks to you or your intel."

______ _ _

Gavin gets more pale than a northern winter he freezes trying to piece it all together. Ryan's not having none of that, he doesn't care, as far as he knows this is it. He's done. Pack his backs and drive away done. He stares at Gavin watching his face flood by sudden realization and then panic, then something Ryan cannot name. He's shaking with anger as he turns back to Geoff and slams his hand down on the kitchen island. 

______ _ _

"I'm done. _Don't_ contact me." 

______ _ _

He spins around leaving a bloodied hand print on the kitchen island as he marches into the elevator practically fuming with anger and the remains of adrenaline. He's beginning to feel the first real pangs of pain as the doors close behind him and he rides down. He doesn't move or unclench his fists before he's down in the lobby. He makes his way to his car and he swears he sees the door to the stairs open in the lobby as he speeds of before anyone might catch up with him. 

______ _ _

By the time the door to his apartment swings shut behind him all of the anger has bled through him and he stumbles over to his kitchen counter switching on the lights. He rummages through his cabinets to find everything he needs before he staggers to his bathroom to patch himself up. 

______ _ _

In the cold light of his crammed bathroom the reality of the situation hits him for the first time for real. He was meant to die in that room, that cold basement room with Collins and her pipe. It had been a while since he came face to face with his own mortality like that. 

______ _ _

He hisses as he removes his mask and his jacket. His face is worse than he thought. His nose is definitely broken, his cheekbone as well. His left eye is swollen shut and he's sure the black eye will be spectacular. The cut on his lip has already congeal but Ryan's sure that it will reopen the first chance it got. The black face paint around his eyes has started to run down his cheeks mixing with blood and sweat.

______ _ _

He washes his face and cleans the small cuts, hissing as he drags the antiseptic over the deeper ones. He stitches the one on his brow shut with careful precision that came from experience. 

______ _ _

With his face sorted he cuts his shirt off to avoid the pain of lifting his arms. His ribs are indeed broken, he thinks as he looks over his bruised torso. He makes sure it's nothing too serious before kicking of his pants and stepping into the shower. 

______ _ _

As the water runs over him and burns in his cuts he lets himself just be for a moment. The water around his feet is red and brown and black and he lets out a few curses and thumps his fist against the wall of the shower to let out his frustrations. His knuckles would bruise but what did that even matter on top of everything else.

______ _ _

He knows he's lucky to be alive, but he also knows that's only due to him. None of the others had been looking for him, none of them had been coming for him. He hadn't realized that he had been hoping for that, that they'd notice and care. The realization of that that stings him more than the soap running into his cuts. It stings him more than he realized it would. It had been years since he last felt like that, like a part of something bigger than him. He feels oddly numb as he lets the soapy water twirl around his feet.

______ _ _

It's not like he's innocent in all of this either, he thinks with a bitter taste in his mouth. Yet again he had allowed his emotions override him. He knows he shouldn't have left tonight in the mental state he was in. He should've gone for a jog, sleep for a while and then head out for the job. Careless and stupid, he curses himself.

______ _ _

The look on Gavin's face keeps coming back to him. The look of panic in realization that he had given him bad intel. Ryan huffs. Gavin was probably more worried about the data than he had been about him. He doesn't know why that hurts. He doesn't want to know why that hurts. He ignores that ache with the rest of his aches, determined to just forget about it all. It'll all be clearer tomorrow and a thousand miles away from this cursed city he should never have come to. 

______ _ _

He's getting too old for broken ribs he decides as he grabs his sweatpants and pulls them on. No shirt today, he thinks as he pulls on a hoodie with a zipper as it's easy to wear and take off if needed. He shuffles to the kitchen to grab last nights leftovers from Maria and lowers himself on his couch. He'd sleep here today, nothing beats sleeping upright with busted ribs. 

______ _ _

Well not having busted ribs, he thinks as he hears his phone buzz inside his jacket in the bathroom. He scowls and raises the volume on the game show that's on and pretends he doesn't hear the insistent buzzing. The entire world could go fuck themselves and he wouldn't care. No not anymore, not after everything, not after Julia, not after Gavin. 

It's all his fault, he's the common denominator and the curse around him tastes bitter in his mouth.

______ _ _


	6. Chapter Six

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Quick note; I edited the color of Julia's eyes in the last chapter to match with the rest of the story. It's one of those editing mistakes, thought I had caught all of them but one slipped through. So she has green eyes, not hazel, a change I made quite late into the story. So yeah. Green eyes.
> 
> Anyway, here's a new chapter- hope you guys like it and I'll see you in the comments or in the next chapter! Adios!

He jolts awake in the middle of the night after having dozed off only hours before. It takes a while before the images of his dreams dissipate, for the green eyes to stop following him, for the snow and the ice to disappear and leave him alone in his empty apartment. The apartment is dark, and it is quiet outside as he rubs his eyes, cursing himself for not remembering his swollen one. The TV is blasting some softcore porn as it's late enough for them to get away with it. 

He sighs and turns the TV off. He shuffles over to the bathroom to relieve himself. It's cold in the bathroom and he moves as quick as he can without wincing, picking up his jacket from where he threw it earlier and groans as his ribs protest the sudden movement. He needs to wash it, no one would benefit from him walking around with it covered in blood. He empties the pockets and tosses it into the laundry basket. 

He stares at this phone for a while, leaning against the door frame before huffing and grabbing the phone and turning it off. He grabs a diet coke from the kitchen and sits back down on the couch with his laptop in his lap. He knows sleep will evade him for a while and he needs distractions from his throbbing ribs. 

An hour or two goes by and the sunrise outside his apartment colors his walls in a warm shade of orange. He feels like death himself, as he rubs his eye after staring at the intel he got from Gavin. No matter how hard he looks and tries to understand he doesn’t see where he went wrong. He followed every minute detail, he crafted a standard approach with the information he got and yet…

He sighs and slams the laptop shut and tosses it beside him on the couch. He's tired and sore and yet the worst part is the emotional response this all stirred up. No matter how hard he tries to distract himself he cannot shake the feeling that this was all a mistake. Maybe he should've stayed east, maybe this was all a fool’s errand, maybe he's the problem like he had suspected all these years since Julia-

A knock on the door interrupts him. 

Ryan stares at the door for a good minute and holds still. He's in no mood for any interaction today, maybe not even this week. By the time he breathes properly again he's sure the pesterer has left. It might be Maria although Ryan is sure he'd recognize her knock. He cannot think who else knows his apartment, and in the case it would be a door to door salesman he'd leave soon enough and leave Ryan to his own thoughts. 

And yet there's another knock. 

Ryan grabs his pistol from the coffee table and clicks the safety off before standing shakily up. His body protests his movement, but he sneaks towards the door as quietly as a cat. Well, maybe not a cat, more like a clumsy beat up cat. He stops and listens at the door. The person knocking on his door is still there and he can hear them shuffle their feet outside his door, as if they're- nervous?

"I know you're in there Ryan." 

Gavin. 

Ryan stifles the irritated growl that started to form in his chest. Didn't he specifically say to them not to bother him? He pinches the bridge of his nose and starts to turn away.

"I will make a scene unless you open this door." Ryan can hear that the confidence in his voice is only partially a bluff, but he still considers letting the door stay closed. "I'm sure that the nice old lady that pointed me to your door wouldn't like to hear-"

Ryan opens the door but only slightly. Gavin jumps a bit in surprise that his bluff worked but his eyes widen as he catches a glimpse of Ryan through the door. It takes Ryan a split second to remember his busted face and he feels his stomach twist and decides it's too much for him today. He moves to close the door, but Gavin slams his foot in between the closing door.

"Please?" Gavin says, his voice softer and quieter as Ryan looks him in the eyes. Gavin’s hand is on the door and his foot is pushed against the door frame and Ryan knows he could overpower Gavin with ease. But he just can't make his body do it. 

"You alone?" He asks, his voice gruffer than usual. He clears his throat with a hacking cough but when he speaks his voice is just as bad. "Did someone send you?"

"I'm alone and on my own accord." Gavin answers and smiles. "I brought kolaches. And some leftovers from said old lady that she insisted I'd give to you?"

Ryan looks at him for a moment, his mind racing.

"Promise-" Ryan starts but falls silent, unsure on how to end the sentence but Gavin seems to understand. 

"Promise."

Ryan steps back and opens the door so that Gavin can walk through. As soon as he's through he closes the door. 

Gavin stands in the middle of his living room looking at the mess he's made. 

"I wasn't expecting anyone."

"It's cool. You should see Geoff’s place, you've got nothing to worry about." Gavin says. "Besides you seem to have a reason for being messy, Geoff’s just lazy."

Ryan's quiet, just shuffling his feet suddenly very aware that he doesn't have a shirt on. Gavin takes a hesitant step towards the kitchen and puts the box of pastries and leftovers on the kitchen counter. He seems smaller and older than before, only him without his mask, without his persona. Just Gavin. Just Ryan. The clock on his wall is loud in the silence.

"Look-"

"Ryan-"

The both stop and Gavin smiles even though he keeps fidgeting with his watch. Ryan sighs and motions him to continue.

"Ryan I'm sorry." Gavin continues. "There was a mix-up in the files, it's all my fault I gave you the right file but the papers inside got mixed up! The file you got was for the right gang, but some of the papers were for another gang. It was all wrong!"

Gavin looks around the apartment still fidgeting. Ryan stands still, unsure if he's to believe this story or not. If it's just a quick excuse. 

"You- gave me the wrong papers?"

"I did! I bollocksed it right up Ryan!" Gavin all but wails, throwing his arms out. "I've been meaning to buy another color of binders to sort my files, but I forgot and I didn't think about having two files on the table and I didn't even realize something was wrong until you came and-"

Gavin stops and looks at him and it seems like all the air leaves him, deflating him even more.

"I knew something was up, but this?" He takes a step towards Ryan but stops as he sees him stiffen. "Oh Ryan, I'm so sorry, I'm so so so sorry, I had no idea! I should've known it's all my fault!"

It's quiet in the apartment as they both stand still processing the situation. Ryan doesn’t know what to say or what to do, Gavin seems sincere and he's got no reason to believe that he's lying and yet the anger is so delicious inside him, the urge and desire to keep trucking down the same path to destruction he's been on before letting the anger simmer and rot him from the inside. It would be so easy to just throw him out, just move, just leave-

But he knows it's not all Gavin's fault. It's his own, he made a rookie mistake and paid the price. And he realizes he's not angry at Gavin, he's angry at himself. 

"It's fine." He hears him say. 

"Fine?" Gavin replies with wide eyes. 

"Fine." Ryan says and nods. "It's my fault really, but it doesn't matter now. I didn't die."

Gavin looks like he's going to argue with him, but he shuts his mouth and nods. Ryan's sure this won't be the last time he'll hear of this but right now he's happy. He takes a step towards the kitchen and points at the kolaches.

"These the good kind?"

"The best the city has to offer." Gavin answers and joins him in grabbing a few. 

They lean against the kitchen counters in his partially dark apartment and watch as the sunrise moves the light around the room. Gavin's right, these kolaches are almost as good as his mother’s ones, Ryan thinks as he greedily devours two of them. Gavin's slower beside him as they eat in silence, only interrupted by Ryan's occasional wince at swallowing too large of a piece. 

"You okay?" Gavin asks as he wipes his fingers on Ryan's kitchen towel. "I mean for real okay?" He looks at Ryan with worry barely hidden in his eyes. Gavin reaches towards him and to his surprise Ryan doesn't move away as Gavin's slender fingers touch the bruised skin on his ribs. Gavin frowns as he traces the bruises with his fingers seeming completely lost in the action. 

"I will be." Ryan replies with a shrug trying to sound normal and not like Gavin's soft touch on his skin feels like fire and ice, electricity and lightning through all his nerves. 

"What happened?" Gavin's voice is soft and curious, hiding something sharp underneath it. He's so close to him, that familiar cologne swirling around him as he looks Gavin in the eyes searching for something he's not sure of. 

"It's not important." 

"It is to me." The implications of his guilty conscious carried through his words. 

"It won't do anybody any good." Ryan replies with a sigh and steps back from Gavin's touch. He feels the loss of his touch, but he continues to pace around in the kitchen. "What's done is done. There's no use in mulling over it."

"You sure you're alright?" Gavin asks and takes a step forward to look at him. His hands are reaching for him, but neither of them acknowledge it. "No offence Ryan but you look like shit."

"I feel like shit." He chuckles but grimaces at the sudden burst of pain radiating through his chest. "I'll be fine. You should see the other guy."

"We did." Gavin says quietly letting his arms hang down heavily. "After you stormed out a few of us drove there. Nothing left, just rubble and executed gang members. You leveled the entire compound. That suggests… a lot of anger. And now-" Gavin looks at him "-I understand why." 

"You're right about that." Ryan mutters quietly and wraps his hand around his torso gently. Anger is an understatement. He sighs. "Why are you here Gavin?"

"To check in on you. You're family now and I was worried sick. All of us are."

Ryan huffs.

"Don't" Gavin says with a firmness in his voice taking a step closer getting right back into his bubble. "Don't huff at that. It's the truth. Geoff drove around trying to find you, all of us tried to call you, text you, reach you and when we didn't even get your answering machine I just drove. I drove to the last place we could track you in the cameras and started knocking on doors until I found you."

"Why?"

"Because I care about you Ryan." Gavin exclaims and points a finger at me. "I mean, you're family now. You hurt one, you hurt all." 

It's quiet. Ryan can hear how his upstairs neighbor starts his day. A siren echoes from outside. Gavin is right there and visibly upset with him and he doesn't know what to do. He doesn’t know why he cares.

"I-" The words die in his throat and he frown. "I'm sorry." 

"What?" Gavin asks his voice rising with his confusion. 

"I don't know how to do all this-" He continues and waves his hand around to emphasize a point he's not sure of. "-This crew thing. I've been alone for a while now and all of this is new to me."

"Oh."

"I don't know-" Ryan says with a frustrated sigh and closes his eyes. "I don't."

They fall silent and listen to his neighbor move around above them. The clock ticks and Ryan focuses on his breathing to stop himself from getting too deep into this spiral of doubt. He doesn’t know, and he hates that he doesn't. He knows that he should know better, he should have an answer and, yet he stands here so confused and upset over the whole mess. Why did it have to be so hard? Why did Gavin have to be so nice and so close and so tantalizingly caring about him, why didn't he just leave yesterday. He feels the starts of a headache creep up his neck and frowns in his hands. 

"You know how I met Geoff?" Gavin says after a while and Ryan feels him lean against the kitchen counter next to him. He doesn’t answer him but it doesn't matter as Gavin continues on. "I was just a kid, twatting about picking pockets and finding trouble. Picked the wrong pocket once." 

Ryan opens his eyes to look at Gavin but he's staring out the window and seems lost in a memory. The morning light illuminates his skin and hair and for once the nickname The Golden Boy doesn't seem too far from the truth. 

"The guy grabbed me by the neck and threw me down an alley and I was sure I was going to die there. What a way to go, face down in an alley behind a sleazy bar, thousands of miles away from home."

"What happened?" 

"Geoff came. Apparently, he'd been watching me for a few days, well a few days after he noticed I had nicked his wallet." Gavin smiles and it's not one of those fake smirks he's seen so far, it's genuine and reaches up to his eyes. He looks older than he did earlier. "Offered me a job."

"You take it?"

"I did. Only to swindle him and bolt. Got to the airport with all his valuables before turning around and returning. He wasn't mad, in fact he knew I'd come back. He's even smarter than he lets on that Geoff. Especially now since he stopped drinking. He's a good boss, and a better friend. He won't be mad about this. He understands."

Ryan turns his gaze away from Gavin as he turns to look at him. He doesn't know what to say, a common occurrence since joining the crew. Every time he is closer on understanding these people they turn and reveal another side of them. He's getting whiplash dealing with them. 

Gavin’s words echo in his head as he closes the door behind him after making sure Gavin wouldn't tell anyone about any of this. With a stomach full of kolaches and a soothed heart he only hesitates for a second before picking his phone up and turning it back on again. He's flooded with missed calls and tens of messages from everybody, but he only opens one of them and answers Geoff back, letting him know he's okay and that he'd like to meet him someday to talk. 

He sits down on the couch, throws his feet up and leans back but before he can fall asleep like his body so craves Geoff answers him back.

_"Hit me up when you wanna talk. Glad to hear you're okay, I was worried sick."_


	7. Chapter Seven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> How time flies! This chapter marks the end of the first "arc" I've outlined in the rough draft of the story. After this the adventure will continue of course, although I might shuffle around the day when I publish new chapters. I'm thinking either Mondays, Tuesdays or Wednesdays. Back to this chapter, this one is a bit dialogue heavy, but rest assured that the following arc will contain a lot of introspection if that's your jam. 
> 
> Regardless of the possible changes, enjoy the story and let me know what you think down below and I'll see you in the next one! ❤

As much as he loves and thrives in the city, the peaceful serenity of the hills just outside of the city soothes him in a way he cannot understand. The wind is mild around him, more like a soft caress than anything else. The sun is high in the sky and shines down on him. The trunk of his black car is warm in the afternoon sun as he sits and waits for Geoff. The mask is heavy on his face and the heat is making him sweat in his leather jacket, now cleaned and free of blood. 

His ribs ache as he sighs, rubbing absentmindedly the scar on his wrist he got during a hit gone wrong years ago as he tracks the joggers making their way around the pond beneath the hill he's on. It's their second pass he thinks. He doesn't regret driving up earlier than he needed, the peace and quiet of this place is exactly what he needs. 

It's been a week and although most of his face has started to heal and revert back to normal his ribs still ache from time to time. They will for a while, he thinks and grimaces as he remembers the recovery time on his last broken ribs from that hit in Geneva. 

He shakes his head, trying to shake the memories of that time of his life out of his head. It should stay in the past, he should keep looking forward. No use in wasting away under the weight of the memories and the blood on his hands now. He had done that for years already and not found any solace in that. 

He focuses on the sun on him and the sounds of birds singing around him. Nature always stayed the same, a rock for him to lean on when life got away from him. 

It doesn't take long for the telltale sounds of a car to reach his ears to distract him from his memories and he grabs his pistol just in case. He's got no reason to believe it's not Geoff, this place is remote and uninteresting to most. 

Geoff emerges from behind the bend and at the sight of his car Ryan releases his grip on his gun, careful to keep it within reach just in case. The car slows down and stops beside his, and Geoff exits brushing his jacket as he walks the short distance. Ryan removes the mask, and sees Geoff take inventory of his now yellow bruises and the partially healed cuts on his face. 

"Hey." 

"Hey." Ryan answers as Geoff leans against his car. 

"Where the fuck are we? It took me ages to find the right road."

"Kinda the point." Ryan replies with a small smile, careful not to let it shine through his voice. "Nobody ever thinks of this place."

"What are you gonna do, kill me or fuck me?" Geoff laughs, and Ryan can't help but to chuckle. He winces as his ribs protest his amusement and no matter how miniscule his wince is Geoff perks up. 

"You okay?"

"I'm fine." He replies with a tired sigh. He's not fine and he knows Geoff knows it too. 

"I trust your judgement." Geoff replies after a moment. Ryan turns to look at him, but the older man just smiles. "I'm not your mother, you're a grown man that can make his own decisions."

Ryan muses on the thought for a while before turning back. His fingers start to trace his scar as he thinks.

"However-" Geoff continues. "I do run a crew and for that crew to work I need all of the parts to work. I understand your frustration, but-"

"But what?" Ryan snaps at him, regretful of the sharpness in his voice immediately but Geoff doesn't seem to mind.

"But I hope you don't hold it against them. From what I understand it was a misunderstanding, a major misunderstanding but none of us would do anything like this on purpose."

"The crew-" Geoff continues as Ryan doesn’t answer him. "The crew works because of trust. I trust them to get things done, and while they're a bit unpredictable at times they trust me to make the right decisions. Bringing a new member into the mix is difficult, and I need you to understand that we all need to trust each other. You're here for a reason, I- we have made the decision to trust you. All you need to do is to trust us."

"You say it like it's so easy."

"It's not. Not for anyone, and most certainly not for someone like you." Geoff laughs at Ryan’s slow turn. "I don't mean anything bad with that, I just know your history with other crews and that you like to work alone. I was like that for a long time before I met Jack."

"Trust isn't something that just happens overnight. It's a conscious decision you make every day, every FUBAR situation until someday it comes automatically." Geoff stops and looks over at the pond underneath them. "Trust has led me astray once or twice, usually because of misplaced trust. But trusting the crew? That has never felt like the wrong decision. I'd die for them, and they'd die for me. I don't want to die, they don't want to die, so trust is the thing that keeps us alive. That's what it's all about."

"Is it?"

"It's more than that. Of course, survival is a pretty high perk I'd say but it's more than just the gunfights or trusting them not to throw a grenade at my feet. It's also the trust in private. It's trusting that someone always has your back no matter what, no matter how angry you might be. It's a family. Now I know that you said you're not trying to make friends and I get that sentiment. But just know this, you already have five friends in that skyscraper."

"Still?"

"Especially now." Geoff says with a smile. "You did something heroic, absolutely fucking dumb and lethal, but heroic for the crew. That makes you part of the family. We were all looking for you that day. I almost had a heart attack or something when we couldn't reach you."

"I told you not to contact me."

"And you thought that we'd actually do as we're told?" Geoff laughs so hard he has to grab hold of the car to keep himself upright. "Man, you might be dumber than you led us to believe."

"Why do people keep telling me that?" Ryan exclaims but smiles. "I just needed time to- I don't know- process it all."

Geoff looks at him silently as Ryan sighs. 

"I don't like people hovering." Ryan confesses. "Especially over such nothings as this. It's been a while since my last crew and to be honest, that didn't end well for no one. But, maybe, maybe I should've let you guys know that."

"Maybe." Geoff laughs. "Honestly, I understand that but if something like this happens, please don't run away. We want to help, and now that we know, we won't hover as much."

"Thanks."

A flock of birds fly over them as they sit silently. Ryan's too occupied with everything Geoff's told him and he's trying to sort it all. 

"So, it's cool?"

"It was never not cool." Geoff smiles and pushes him off the car. "Jack's making dinner, you're welcome to join."

"It's not going to be weird?" He asks, and Geoff shakes his head. "Do they know I'm not going to look pretty without my mask?"

"It's not like we've never seen a busted face before." Geoff laughs. "It's fine, don't worry about it."

"I'll think about it."

\-----

Ryan fidgets with his watch as he rides the elevator up to the penthouse later that evening. He can't remember when was the last time he felt this nervous, and this is just a dinner not an assassination. The ride up seems to take forever, and it takes all of his willpower not just cut a hole in the side of the elevator and just jump. 

As Geoff had texted him to dress casually he shifts his weight around uncertain about his dark jeans and the loose shirt he had rummaged his closet for. No mask or leather jacket for him tonight and as much as he hates to admit it, he feels oddly naked in his everyday clothes. He isn't the Vagabond tonight, no he's Ryan. 

"Just Ryan." He mumbles as he watches the elevator doors open to the penthouse. 

It's calmer he thinks immediately. Jack's in the kitchen fussing over the stove as Geoff sets the large table. The lads are busy in the living room, in the middle of an intense match of some shooter he doesn't recognize. Michael seems to be winning as far as he can see, although Jeremy isn't far behind. Both of them are on the edge of the couch screaming at each other and the tv. 

Gavin's sitting lazily in the armchair, his legs swinging softly over the armrest as he seems busy with his tablet. He looks so comfortable, Ryan thinks as he looks at Gavin concentrating on whatever's in front of him, just slowly breathing and swinging his legs as he waits for food. 

Gavin looks up from his tablet and smiles wide as he sees Ryan take a step out of the elevator. It's one of the relaxed and truly genuine smiles, not the front or the mask he wears. Ryan stops thinking about escaping the penthouse, stops thinking at all as he stares at the smiling Brit. 

"Hi Ryan!" Gavin greets him and for a moment the apartment stops and Ryan's heart sinks deep into his stomach. But then as fast as it stopped, everyone just keeps on going with what they were doing. 

"Hi." He replies and shuffles awkwardly in the hallway. 

"Ryan, could you help me with this?" Jack asks, clearly seeing his struggle and Ryan walks into the kitchen thankful for something to do.

Jack smiles as she hands him a spoon and tasks him to taste the stew she had been making. It is divine, and Ryan tells her as much and feels warm inside as she beams at him. 

"Thank you, it's one of my special recipes." Jack mock whispers to him with a smile. She places his hand on his arm and gives him a squeeze. "Thanks for coming. I know it must've been difficult. I'm happy you're okay."

Ryan thanks her, not knowing what he's supposed to say or do so he shuffles over to help Geoff with the plates. 

"Aw thanks man." Geoff says as he picks up plates and starts placing them around the table. 

"No problem." Ryan answers and truly means it. 

As he walks around the table he can feel eyes on him. He looks up and locks eyes with Gavin who seems curious and not at all ashamed of being caught staring.

"Hey Ryan?" Gavin asks and leans over putting his tablet down. 

"No." Geoff points at Gavin and shakes his head. "I will not allow this conversation to continue."

"Aw that's no fair." Gavin whines and gestures with his hand towards Ryan. "He's smart, not like you assholes. I want to hear what he thinks."

"About what?" Ryan asks and Geoff groans. Gavin perks up and rests his elbows on the armrest between his legs and smiles at him. 

"You get a million dollars but every morning you'd have to shoot your significant other. They come back after 20 minutes or so, but you'd have to kill them. Would you take the money?"

"Every morning?" He asks as he places forks around the table. 

"Every morning."

"Do they know about it?"

"Well not if you pop them before they wake up."

"Gavin!" Jack exclaims from the kitchen. Jeremy wails in the background having clearly lost the match. "That's a terrible thing to say."

Michael chimes in agreeing with Jack.

"Micoo, you're the one to talk." Gavin giggles. 

"That's got nothing to do with this." Michael exclaims and stands up. Ryan looks between them, oblivious to the story that had warranted that response. He's curious though, a warm and comfortable feeling of belonging in his stomach that takes him by surprise. Something about these people made him feel at ease. 

"Fine, fine." Gavin answers with a shrug. "You're too much of a sissy to take the money."

"You're not going to pay me anyways!" Michael screams throwing his hands up. 

"That's got nothing to do with this!" Gavin laughs and turns back to look at Ryan. Michael shrugs and moves to bother Jeremy who still seems distraught about the match. "Would you do it?"

"Eh sure why not." Ryan shrugs and moves to allow Jack to pass through with her stew. "If they're coming back it's just dumb not to take the money. But if you throw in a clause that it's a 99% chance they'll come back then it's a different story."

"Ryan!" Gavin exclaims and bounces to the table. "That's just too cruel even for me."

"That's it boys, no talk of killing people while we eat!" Jack declares as she takes off her apron. "Sit down and chow down."

It's almost chaotic as the lads descend and take their seats on the other side of the table and Geoff points Ryan to sit in the extra seat they plated for him beside Jack and opposite Gavin. He sits down and is content to watch as the lads start to pile stew on their plates like they've never been fed before. He's startled about how much this scene reminds him of a home, of a family. A group of close-knit people who had accepted him into the family with open arms. He can't stop staring at them all, looking at how clear the care and love for each other is. He feels lighter as he turns to Jack as the others fight over the food. 

"They always like this?" Ryan whispers to Jack, just quiet enough for it to pass under the general noise and loud enough for her to hear him. 

"More or less.” She laughs as she passes the warm bread to him. "You'll get used to it."

"Get used to what?" Gavin asks, tearing his bread to smaller pieces.

"That you guys are like rabid dogs."

"That's fair." Michael comments with a laugh, mouth full of stew. "It's your fault for being such a good cook."

"Thank you." Jack's smile is warm, and genuine and she passes the ladle to Ryan as the table descends into chatter and laughter. 

Maybe this trust thing isn't as bad as the thought, Ryan thinks as he listens to the conversations while eating. Jack's stew's so good he's sure he's never going to eat anything tastier in his life and it's not just the stew that warms his insides as he eats with his crew. 

Trust. Showing up here without his mask had terrified him beyond doubt. It had been like jumping of the high board without seeing what's below, and yet he did it. Maybe it wouldn't be so hard to trust and to depend on them Ryan thinks as he laughs with the rest of them. Maybe it would all be fine. No, it would be fine he decides as he looks around the room at the smiling and laughing criminals. 

Maybe this could become his home.


	8. Chapter Eight

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi it's me again, dropping in to drop this off! It's not a Saturday I know, but as I mentioned in the last chapter I'm going to be changing the update-day to Tuesdays. 
> 
> This chapter marks the beginning of another arc, after the first one in which Ryan finds his footing in the crew. This next arc will see him take on a mission for the crew and this arc has gotten way out of hand. I'm currently writing chapter 14 and there's still like three or four chapters left. This arc will also see me add a lot of new tags as things get rolling along. Be sure to check those out if that's something you need, I'll try to add a note if I add tags. 
> 
> But let's get going! As always I appreciate kudos and comments, it makes this less like shouting into a void when I see that people are reading this silly little story. ❤

"You know I'm not an electrician, right?" Ryan asks as he's elbow deep in the old boxy television in the middle of Maria's living room. 

Maria huffs impatiently behind him, peering over his shoulder with her hands on her hips. The apartment, although layout wise identical to his own, is filled with colors and patterns. The casserole in the oven fills the apartment with its delicious scent as he brushes wayward hair out of his face. 

"I would ask Luis, you know my son, but he's studying. I've told you about him, right?" She says to him. 

Ryan nods and peers deeper into the tv trying to figure out what's wrong with it. Maria appears next to him with a picture of her and her family on what looks like the pier out west. 

"You see Luis." She says and points at the tall young man next to her. "He's so smart, I don't know where he gets it. Fernando? No, that man was dumb as a rock. God rest his soul." 

"I'm sure he got it from you." Ryan answers with a smile as Maria beams at him. 

"Oh you!" She says as she pats him on the shoulder. 

"Gabriella got it from me." she continues and points at the young woman in the picture. She's taller than Maria and laughing as she hugs her father. "She's so happy. I remember when she was little she would laugh at anything. I miss her laugh now that's she's out in the world."

"They come see you often?" Ryan asks.

"Not as often as I'd like." She says with a sigh before smiling. "She'd love you."

"If she's anything like you I'm sure I'd like her as well.” Ryan laughs.

Maria beams and lets him get back to work. The tv is older than any he's seen before and it takes him a while to get to the root of the issue. He replaces a few of the older worn components before closing the lid. Maria takes the remote and mutters a prayer before clicking the tv on. 

The sounds of a telenovela fill the apartment as Maria throws her arms up in delight before making her way over and wrapping them around Ryan. 

"Thank you!" She laughs her voice muffled in his shirt. "You're such a good man!"

"I don't know about that, but it was my pleasure." Ryan answers and hugs her back. 

His phone vibrates in his pocket as she lets go of him. He apologizes to her before opening the message from Jack calling him in for a sudden mission brief.

It's been a while since his last mission. Geoff and the others let him recover in peace and although he's been present in all of the mission briefings and in the planning of missions he's got to admit he's missed being out in the field. Although he never felt like he's a burden on the crew being out of action he knows it's time for him to get back to work doing what he does best. 

"Work?" Maria asks with a concerned look on her face. "You sure you should go back with your car accident and all?"

"It's been weeks already." Ryan reassures her picking his tools up from around the tv. "Besides it's not like IT is too hard on the body."

Maria huffs but kisses his cheek as he leaves with promises to collect some of the casserole. 

The ride to the office isn't long especially on his bike. He finds that people are much more agreeable in traffic when they can see him and his mask clear as day. One benefit of having a reputation that precedes him. He swerves around stopped cars and blasts through intersections before breaking hard to avoid colliding with the garage door to the office. He waits as the door opens and drives slowly through pulling his mask up his head, leaving it as a beanie for the convenience of not having to carry it as he hops off the bike and heads for the elevator. 

"Hold it!" He hears behind him and he sticks his hand out to stop the doors from closing as he watches Michael sprint across the garage. "Thanks!"

"No problem." He says as they watch the doors close and the numbers above start to tick up. 

"You got the text too?" Michael asks.

"Yeah. You know what it's about?" 

"Not really." Michael shrugs. "It sounds like something new. Can't be the reconnaissance for the heist as I'd know about if something comes up with that."

"How's that coming along?" He asks leaning against the mirror on the back wall of the elevator. His leather jacket squeaks quietly as he moves. 

"Slowly." Michael sighs. "I don't get Gavin, why the fuck do we need to pull this first responder bullshit again? It's so time-consuming to get all the cars. Besides last time it ended before it really even began."

"Well it's Gavin." Ryan says and laughs with Michael. 

"That's true." He chuckles before falling silent. Ryan knows that silent already, the time spent with the crew made him more aware of their habits. Michael's deep in thought and Ryan's not sure if he wants to hear what he has to say to him. Maybe he's mad about that time he and Jeremy stole most of his explosives and went fishing. He'd probably upset about not getting an invite although Ryan recalls it being a Thursday, date night for Michael and Lindsay. He's sweating in his leather jacket, the lifted mask heavy on his head like a beanie. 

Michael's looking at him with more focus in his eyes. Ryan braces himself, he knows it's about the fishing. He cannot remember anything else of note happening lately. Michael stops the elevator with a push of a button. 

"Speaking of Gavin, you seem to have become friends with him, right?"

"I don't know about that." Ryan answers quickly as his suspicion hadn't been right, now unsure on where Michael's heading. Besides what's it to him that they hang out sometimes, play games sometimes? It's not like it's odd for him to spend time with various members of the crew. 

"I do. He won't shut up about you." Michael says exasperated. He watches Michael twist his face and flail his arms as he does a high-pitched Gavin impression. "Michael, you won't believe what Ryan did today! Michael, what do you think Ryan listens to?"

"Really?" Ryan asks. 

"Yeah." Michael says and squints his eyes at Ryan. They're silent, the number above the doors still and flickering. Michael opens his mouth, then closes it again. Ryan just stares at him, watches him square his shoulders. "What's your angle?"

"What?" Ryan asks him, suddenly feeling cornered. He crosses his arms but Michael only raises one eyebrow at his meek attempt at scaring him. 

"You heard me."

"I don't know what you want me to say." Ryan answers impatiently. "He's annoying and half the time I have no idea if he just makes up words."

"Tell me something new."

"I mean I do enjoy his company from time to time, but I hang out with all of you." Ryan continues, growing more and more impatient at Michael. He knows there's something he wants him to say but Ryan's not sure what that is. 

"So you're friends." Michael continues, his jaw set and his feet wide. Although Ryan knows he could take Michael in a fight he doesn't know why he's acting like this. 

"I'd say so." Ryan answers slowly. "Why?"

"Gavin talks an awful lot about you for you to just be friends." Michael says and his eyes narrow. "You guys fucking?"

"What?!" Ryan exclaims in surprise, his voice high and incredulous. "Absolutely not."

"But you'd want to." Michael continues silencing Ryan's surprised laugh. 

"I-" Ryan swallows. "I don't think that's any of your business."

"That's where you're wrong." Michael says taking a step closer to Ryan and he catches glimpses of Michael's reputation flash in his eyes. "Gavin is my boi. I'd kill for that idiot, no I've killed for that idiot. Gavin's got his head up his ass most of the time, but my god if I hear about you hurting him in any way. But I'm tired of hearing about you all the time. So if you want to bone down go for it. But know if you hurt him, I'll make you scream in ways you've never done before."

"Never pegged you for the torture kind of guy." Ryan says in a vain attempt to lighten the mood. 

"You'd be surprised what I'd do for those I care about."

Judging by the cold steel in Michael's eyes he knows his words doesn't ring hollow. Ryan finds himself oddly surprised at the coldness in Michael's eyes, only having known him as the fiery explosion-kind of guy.

"I'll keep that in mind." Ryan says, now feeling kind of awkward under Michael's intense gaze. Michael stares at him for a while longer before backing down. 

Gavin had managed to sneak past his guard, he has to admit that. First it was only the missions, then it was after mission dinners or asking about his opinion in various things. Then one time he climbed Ryan like he was a tree when they were trying to plan for a heist, but Gavin did that to the others as well. And it's not like he's only hung out with Gavin. There was the parachuting with Jack, fishing with Geoff, sparring with Jeremy and blowing shit up with Michael. Gavin was just one of those friendships. In fact, Gavin's closer to a friend than anybody had been in years. But putting labels on their relationship seems hasty and makes him uncomfortable.

And yet he feels butterflies in his stomach before every time they hang out. And he thinks about those times too much afterwards. But they're just friends. They can't be more than friends.

"Hey Ryan?" Michael asks breaking the awkward silence that had filled the elevator. Ryan sees his shoulders relax as he sighs. "I've got nothing against you, you'd know if I had. In fact, I think you're awesome at your job no matter how creepy you might get out there. But Gavin is my boi. Well what I'm trying to say is that if you feel something for him talk to him? He acts confident and all, but you know how he is with actually taking the first step."

"I don't-"

"Shh. I'm not done yet." Michael shushes him. "I'm just saying that he looks like he's into you. And I think you might be as well. Do what you want with that information but know that if he gets hurt, I'm coming after you."

Michael stares at him for a second longer before pushing the button and the elevator starts moving again. They're silent, an awkward weight around them. The number ticks up with a steady beat and Ryan wishes his heart was as steady right now.

The doors open to the penthouse and Michael pats him on the shoulder before walking out. Ryan's not sure what to make of that elevator ride and he's more confused than he's been in a while. 

He follows Michael as they make their way to the briefing room. His thoughts race in his head as he tries to decode all the information Michael dumped on him. Gavin likes him? 

Sure, he can't lie that there's nothing there. The way Gavin's eyes wrinkle when he laughs for real, the way he smirks when he's on the job, the way light seems to find him no matter where he is. 

He's the polar opposite of him, he frowns as he thinks about what would become of his light in his darkness. No matter how bright some lights had been in the past, his own demons have always snuffed their light. He can't do that to Gavin. He can't.

And yet the tantalizing validation for this thoughts for Gavin lingers in his consciousness as he takes his seat in the half empty brief room. That maybe there might be something there, something worth exploring. The realization is so intoxicating and light in his being and he allows himself to float in the feeling for a while before locking it up and throwing away the key. 

He won't suffocate Gavin's light, the smile and the lightness of his step in his bloodied and bruised darkness. He can’t, and he won't. 

"Oh, you're all here!" Jack says as she enters the room with her computer, files and a cup of coffee balancing on top of it all.

"Where's the rest?" Michael asks and looks over at Ryan and Jeremy, the only others in the room. 

"Well Geoff's at that gala out of state and Gavin's in the middle of gathering intel for our heist. So, it's just us."

Ryan stifles his disappointment as he feels Michael's knowing eyes on him.

"What's the job?" Jeremy asks leaning forward to give Jack room to maneuver herself into Geoff’s usual seat without spilling the coffee. 

"You guys know the sawmill up north?" Jack asks and points at the map. Ryan nods with the rest of them and leans forward to look at the map. "We got intel that there's way too much activity there to be normal. Little birds around town whisper of something big, so we need to get on top of it."

"Drugs?" Michael asks. 

"We don't know." Jack sighs and divides the files she brought with her. "People keep disappearing around there so we're working mostly on rumors."

"People don't just disappear." Ryan comments raising his eyebrow. "Something's up."

"Glad we're on the same page." Jack answers sipping her coffee. "Geoff wants this sorted quickly, quietly and most importantly efficiently."

"How are we doing this?" 

"We need more intel." Jack sighs. "We got a fraction of the intel I'd be comfortable with. We need eyes on the mill. Ryan, that's on you. There's a house on the hill that's rented out and you're expected there tomorrow. And I mean Ryan, not the Vagabond. That mask of yours might as well be a beacon. I'm hoping this will be resolved quickly but it might drag out or devolve into a conflict. Pack accordingly."

"What about us?" Michael asks and motions to him and Jeremy. "As much as I don't want to go on a stakeout I'm not comfortable with sitting around."

"You and Jeremy will be here and try to find people who know things. Shake out your contacts, scour the streets. Also, Ryan, I want you to check in daily to the office, so I need people to be here as well."

"Got it." Ryan answers and flips through the depressingly thin file in his hands. A picture of the red facade of the sawmill stares up at him from the file, a few measly blueprints of the mill from when it was up and running. Nothing of use really. He'd need to get close to get eyes on the entire grounds. "Is this seriously all we got?"

"I'm afraid so." Jacks smile is apologetic. "Gavin's been working hard on the heist so he didn't have a lot of time to do this. Besides according to him that's all he can find. It's like someone has made a conscious effort in removing every piece of information off the web. Gavin says he'll get into it but he isn't sure he'll get anything. We'll have to do this the old fashioned way."

"We'll make it work." Jeremy comments although the frown on his face is less than convincing. "I think I know some guys down by the airport that might know something. One of them owes me a favor. And Michael's got that eastern European guy that's always running his mouth. We'll dig something up, don't worry about it Jack."

"We've done bigger things with less information before." Michael nods. "Besides, it's only a sawmill. It's not like it's something supernatural, there's nothing we can't handle."

"I don't share your optimism." Jack grimaces. "Ryan, I want you to be careful. If something's fishy you let us know and we'll be there. I know you have great instincts and have been in the game for a while now. I trust you."

"Thanks Jack." Ryan says, uncomfortable under all their gazes. "It'll be fine."

Something tells Ryan it's not going to be a smooth ride as he rides down the elevator to head home and pack. Something about the entire situation just doesn't sit right with him at all. But he makes the choice to trust the crew, and he knows they need to step in and restore order in the city. He just hopes it doesn't end badly for all of them. 

He doesn’t acknowledge it, but Gavin flashes in his mind and the thought of something happening to Gavin chills his blood. He brushes it off, he knows he cannot do this with Gavin. He wouldn't be able to forgive him if something did happen to Gavin, and most certainly not because of him or something he does. 

No, it's better to keep a distance. That way Gavin would be fine, he'd continue to shine. It doesn't matter that the thought alone hurts him, Ryan knows it's better this way. Or that's at least what he tells himself as he pulls the mask on before speeding off towards his apartment. As long as he'd keep Gavin out of harm’s way he could live with that no matter the cost. 

At least Gavin wouldn't be harmed. He'd be safer here in the city. Without Ryan and his mistakes ruining everything once again Gavin might have a chance to live his life without constantly looking over his shoulder to see if any of Ryan's mistakes were catching up on him or them. And although the thought of Gavin being safe and outside the reach of Ryan's darkness makes him smile, the thought of not having that light in his life as close as he wants it kills him on the inside. He almost doesn't feel the way the darkness inside him edges a bit further, takes on a color a shade darker.


	9. Chapter Nine

To describe the cabin as remote isn't even close to the truth Ryan swears as he climbs out of the jeep that brought him almost to the door of his new home. The path winds between the sheer drop into the valley below him and a thick forest to his west. 

He stops for a while just looking out south at the distant hints of the large city he just left earlier this morning. The sun's already high in the sky as the drive took its time. The jeep, although great as soon as he left the highway, provided him with little fun on the highway itself. 

He sighs, slams the door close and checks he's parked the car in the right place. The instructions Jack gave him were vague but this seemed to be the last place he could park. Still a mile up the mountain to reach the cabin but the elevation seems to get rough a few hundred yards from this rest stop. 

He picks up the backpack he filled with a few selected outdoor clothes and hygiene products and throws it on his back. He walks to the trunk and retrieves the duffel he filled with guns, ammo and explosives in case he had company. 

He's glad he opted to wear a long sleeved shirt as he enters the shadows of the tall trees that loom over the path. His boots find grip as he dances around the puddles of mud and roots and it doesn't take long before he's so deep in the forest he doesn't see the path behind him. 

It reminds him more of his childhood than he can remember. Not that he remembers much altogether but the sweet cold scent of the shadows around him make him more comfortable than he thought he ought to be. 

The sun is significantly lower on the horizon when the path finally turns around so he's on the west side of the peak. The cabin is small and still a ways away but he can see it now as he quickens his pace. As he gets closer he can see that the cabin is smaller than he thought, only two windows out to this side. 

He reaches the cabin and climbs up on the porch and sets his bags down on the worn wicker couch that's sitting under a window. He grabs his water as he looks around at the view. The trees he cleared shadow the house from the south, the peak behind him shadows him to the east but to the west and north all he can see is sky. The sun is bright in his eyes as he shields them with his hand as he peers down the mountain to the northeast. Squinting he can see the sawmill still miles away but he knows if he sets up inside the house he's got a great vantage point from the windows. 

He watches the sun for a while before rummaging through his backpack to find the keys to this place. He finds them and unlocks the door and steps into the cabin. 

He flicks on the lights and inspects his new home. It's only one room with the kitchen on the back wall without any windows as it faces the mountain itself. The room is sparsely furnished, a couch to the right of the door in front of a small fireplace. The kitchen beyond the seating area is small, only a stove, sink and a fridge with a small counter. 

To the left of the door he finds a double bed between one of the windows facing the porch and a closed room he suspects to be the bathroom. He takes off his shoes by the door to avoid tracking mud everywhere and throws his backpack on the bed and heads for the small dining table right in front of the porch door. He places his duffel on it and proceeds to set up the camera and it's gigantic lens by the living room window. 

After he's distributed and hidden his weapons around the small cabin he sits down on the edge of his bed. The sun is low on the horizon and bathes him in a warm orange light as he closes his eyes. The long ride is finally over and he can focus on his mission. He stretches his neck and shoulders before getting up with a sigh and unpacking his backpack. 

The bed is harder than the one he's got in Los Santos but it certainly beats sleeping on concrete. He adjusts the pillow under his head with a huff as he lays down and closes his eyes. 

_The restaurant is small, the large windows looking over the cobblestone streets of the older part of town. Julia is laughing at him, no with him she assures him, but he knows better. He feels himself smile at the way her eyes twinkle under the soft lighting, the way the large wedding ring glimmers as she gesticulates._

_She falls silent and just looks at him, her green eyes roaming over his trying to read his mind. He sees that she's nervous, he knows that feeling too well himself. The nerves bubble inside of him as he reaches over the table and grabs her hand. The exuberant ring on her finger presses against his palm as a reminder._

_"You sure you want to do this?" He asks, his voice soft and low, drowning in the chatter around the room._

_"The answer has not changed since you last asked you goof." She smiles, although the smile is now more genuine. "We're in too deep."_

_"It's not too late to back down." He says._

_"That's not true." She says and this time he knows he sees the sadness in her eyes. "They've seen our faces. They'll know."_

_He's silent as he recognizes the truth in her words. A waitress stops by their secluded table._

_"Everything alright Mr. Novgovich? Mrs. Novgovich?" She asks with a polite smile._

_"Just perfect." Ryan replies with a practiced ease. "I think the check would be splendid."_

_"I'll go get that for you." She says and leaves them alone. Julia's eyes are vaguely sad again as he meets her gaze._

_"We'll be fine." She says and squeezes his hand. He doesn't know who she's trying to assure, him or her. "The plan's good, and we're good. We'll be just fine."_

The cabin is cold as he jolts awake, desperate to erase those memories again. He breathes deeply, sitting upright in the middle of his bed, the sheets crumpled in his lap. He rubs his eyes, trying his best to remove the sight of those green eyes accusing him. 

The floors are cold against his bare feet as he wanders over to the kitchen and busies himself with the monotony of making coffee. He wants to keep his mind and his hands busy so he tidies up the nonexistent mess in the cabin as he waits for his coffee. 

Time for to face the day. He's out in the middle of nowhere with only himself and the silent sawmill down the mountain and he doesn't know if that's comforting or not. The dream he had lingers in his mind like a fog. He wishes he knew what had triggered the dreams and the memories to come seeping back to his mind, his senses like this. It had been years since he had last had more than one dream or memory resurface during a time period like this. He wishes he had taken something to knock him out with up to the cabin with him, although he knows he wouldn't take them anyway. The chemical dreams were always too vivid, too real. He'd rather take the insomnia.

The sky above him is barely lit as the sun is just about to rise as he walks out on the porch with his coffee steaming in the old cup he found in the cupboards. He knows his schedule will soon return to the one he had years ago, back when he was doing stakeouts regularly for different jobs. It suited him, the isolation and seclusion had the same function his mask had; limiting the contact he felt with people. Something to hide behind. He doesn't feel as comfortable with the silence and the seclusion anymore, not since Julia and the job in Geneva. The segmented sleeping reminds him of a simpler time, a time he cannot think he can return to. Not after everything that had happened. The suddenly re-emerging nightmares had nothing to do with it, he tries to convince himself. 

Julia's touch in the dreams still feels like it did all those years ago back when he first started having nightmares about her. He supposes it's the guilt of how it all ended and his share in her faith that keeps haunting him through out the years and across continents. 

With a sigh he walks back in and sits down by the table.

He takes out a few of his guns, and feels in his bones that it wouldn't be the last time he'd clean them during his time here. He wants to keep busy, to keep his hands occupied and his mind clear. He disassembles the first gun with ease, carefully starting the comforting routine he has when he cleans his weapons. The wind is mild and drifts through the open door and into the cabin. Ryan's aware of his surroundings, a life lived on the edge of destruction molded him and made his gaze drift to the door. Despite his frequent looks he can't hear or see anything outside that might be a threat. The gun in front of him clicks back together and he picks up the next. 

As his hands move on autopilot his mind drifts to places far away from this tiny wooden cabin. The comforting sounds of cleaning his weapons acts as a way to deepen his mock-meditation. He feels tension leave his body as piece by piece the now clean pistol in his hands clicks back together. If only life worked like that. 

He remembers the first time he taught Julia how to hold a gun. He smiles at how proud he had been when she had finally hit the bullseye, how he smiled watching her dance at her victory. His smile falters as he cannot remember the first time he held a gun himself. He wonders if that's good or bad, his fingers never stopping moving over the parts in his hands. 

His gut twists and turns as he pokes deeper into the memories of those days, and before long he gives up on it altogether. He refocuses on the sniper that had moved into his hands, the rag beside him already riddled with oil. He wonders if Gavin remembers the first time he's fired a weapon. Gavin doesn't seem like the guy that forgets something like that, even after all these years Ryan senses a trepidation towards guns from Gavin. It's not like he's a bad shot, no it's more like he has a respect for guns that stems from something else. The thought of finding that out lingers in his mind like the oil on his hands. 

He sighs and wipes his hands. He reaches for another gun and finds he's already cleaned all of them. He sits for a while, looking over the pile of guns and the dirty rags on the table before getting up and placing them all back where he had originally stashed them. 

It's only barely noon and he eats quick, not wanting to idle for too long.

Afternoon rolls in and he walks outside, grabbing the axe from where it rested by the firewood and walks back to where the unchopped logs are. It doesn't take long before his body finds a rhythm that works and his axe falls effortlessly on the wood on the flat stone just near his cabin as he peers down the mountain at the sawmill. His eyes look for movement although he knows his cameras are recording the sawmill and broadcasting it back to the penthouse down south. He knows there's eyes on the mill and yet he cannot shake the feeling of impending doom. He shakes that feeling off, thinking it's due to the dreams and the insomnia.

A faint wind picks up and rustles in the forest behind him. He throws the ready firewood into the pile he had been collecting and places another large section of wood on the stone. The axe in his arms is already starting to feel heavy and he feels the strain on his arms and back as he swings down the axe. He doesn't know what he's trying to accomplish with it, he just knows that it feels good to let the axe swing. 

His thoughts wander again as he throws the wood on the pile and starts the process of moving them to the small roofed space allocated to firewood by the house. He wonders what Gavin is doing at the moment, although he scolds himself of letting himself think of him. He's all by himself in the middle of nowhere, a place he's always dreamed of and yet he spins in the same circles of thought.

It doesn't matter that he might feel something for Gavin. It doesn't matter that Gavin, according to Michael at least, has some feelings for him. None of it matters as Ryan knows first hand what emotions bring to the table. In their line of work love or affection of any sort always leads to suffering in one way or another. Affection is weakness. 

He swore that day in Geneva that love, or any sort of affection while working is nothing more than a time bomb. He can still feel the coldness he felt then, the soul crushing misery that seeped into his bones, into his soul. He was different after that day. She broke him, in a way he never thought would be possible. After that day the mask became more than a way to disguise himself. It became him. It became bigger than him. The legend and reputation of the Vagabond consumed the man himself.

He stops, leans against the shed and looks over at the soft clouds rolling over him. Maybe that's why it was so difficult to ignore Gavin from the beginning. His mask is who he was for so long, and then he wasn't. In that vault, under those green eyes, the same color eyes that she had, he wasn't the mask anymore. A mere mortal in a world that feared him but didn't know him. He was Ryan. 

Gavin couldn't have understood the meaning of that, he thinks as he walks back to the pile of firewood. Ryan didn't understand it himself, how could Gavin have? 

He hears the familiar noise from inside the house and he decides to bring in the final handful of firewood inside the cabin as he rushes in. He drops the wood by the fireplace and cleans his hands on his jeans as he sits down by the laptop setup on the table. 

"Ryan!" Gavin cheers as the video connection finally connects. 

His heart jumps at the sight of Gavin, those familiar sunglasses tucked into his hair, those intelligent eyes peering happily at him despite the distance between them. His heart stumbles and he feels ill. 

"Gavin." Ryan greets him shortly, desperately trying to regain that distance towards the feelings bubbling inside of him. All that time in the mountains, all that time thinking and ignoring the problem and one word and a smile was all it took to make it crack. Ryan clears his throat. "Where's Jack?"

"She's out with the lads. Apparently one of the informants won't talk to no one except for her." Gavin responds and rolls his eyes. Ryan can see the city behind him, the tall windows behind Gavin reflect the skyscrapers outside and he doesn't know if he misses that view or not. "They left me to babysit you."

"That's nice." He deadpans and although he feels the irritation and the frustration boil inside of himself, he hears Gavin laugh.

Gavin's laugh sends shivers down his spine. He knows he's fighting a loosing fight, Ryan knows that the cracks are already there and once they've set in there's no stopping it. He curses himself as he watches Gavin's laughter die down. "You got anything to report today?"

"Nothing's changed." He hears his own tone and gets startled by the harshness of it but he cannot stop himself. He feels his fingernails embed themselves into his palms. "The sawmill looks quiet."

"Jack thinks it might be time to get a closer look. I mean the camera you set up is fine and all but the programming leaves much to be desired." Gavin answers after a while, his brow softly furrowed at Ryan's tone. Ryan hates the way he looks at him, like he's puzzle that needs to be solved. 

"No shit." Ryan replies, the tone still harsh and he hears it echo in his head. Gavin seems confused, but that only makes Ryan more irritated. How can he be this easily swayed, he should keep his head cool and not let these pesky feelings run rampant. "I'll head out tomorrow at dawn and get us another angle."

"Be careful." Gavin says and Ryan doesn't know if he only imagined the warmth. His mind twists, the frustration and the sizzling harshness inside him upset over the warmth but other parts of him run off with it. He tries to convince himself that it's all in his head, Gavin was probably just worried about the mission and anything happening to him might jeopardize that. He needs to believe it, he needs to keep his distance. "You okay?"

"I'm fine." Ryan answers curtly.

"Sure." Gavin says but he hears the sarcasm. "If you say so."

"I'm fine." Ryan repeats. "I should be going, I've got more things to do before it gets dark."

"Oh." Gavin's reply is soft and surprised. "I mean, sure if you want to that's fine."

"I'll talk to you later."

He sits still in silence for a long time after Gavin signs out. The light from the screen shuts off and leaves him in the darkness with the despair and the desperate fight he's fighting with himself to keep his distance. Nothing in this world means as much as Gavin, nothing more than his survival. He grits his teeth. The sky dips lower and lower and finally when the first cold gust of wind rattles the now pitch black windows Ryan's stirred out of his thoughts.


	10. Chapter Ten

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Tuesday! Let's celebrate another week with another chapter! I'm real excited as the next few chapters include parts of the first scenes I wrote for this story (they've been edited a few times now and split into more appropriate places). I just re-read this thing and in the first chapter I estimated that this story will be max 20 chapters long... Well I'm currently working on chapter 16 and that's just the end part of arc 2, I've still got two more arcs to go. So strap in folks, it's gonna be a bit longer than 20 chapters. 
> 
> Oh and I've added a new tag for this chapter. Things start to get a bit- steamy. 
> 
> ❤ And I want to thank everybody who gives kudos, reads and comments! Tbh you guys are the reason I get up and write everyday. So thanks! ❤

He's out of the door quicker than the ghost of those accusing green eyes leave his mind. Another day and another nightmare. It's still dark and Ryan's got his thicker flannel on as the wind on the mountain is harsh this time of the morning. 

His hiking boots thud against the hard soil of the hiking path that's been walked on so many times before. He adjusts the backpack on his shoulders, feeling the weight of a gun, tons of ammunition, the cameras he needs to install, a snack bar and a bottle of water against his back. 

Although he had been here for a week already the time hadn't crawled by as slowly as it usually tends to. It's been days since he told the crew down south he'd be heading out with the cameras but things rarely worked out like they planed. He had to fix one of the cameras with guidance from Gavin and as much as it pained him to talk to him for so long he relished in those moments. To conserve energy and data they had only talked on the phone and to that Ryan is thankful since he hadn't bothered to shave since the first day his beard has already grown to an impressive length. He wasn't and still isn't in the mood to listen to the comments from the crew he knows the beard will generate. It had been a while since he last grew it out and he's not sure if he'll keep it in the city, but out here it seems more than appropriate.

He descends the mountain with a steady pace, leaving his cabin behind him as he walks towards the sawmill. He knows this path is going to merge with another more busy hiking route that circles the sawmill. He studied the maps of the area and he knows a few clusters of trees that will be perfect for his cameras. He just needs to hike out there, set up the cameras and hike back without anyone sleuthing out his true purpose. He's just another hipster on a hike. 

He supposes he looks like one of the douche bags ordering overly complicated drinks at the corner coffee shop in his flannel shirt and his beard. No fancy coffees for him, only shitty black tar from the cheap coffee machine back at the cabin. 

His steps are light and easy as he follows the curvature of the path. The sun's first tentative rays of light wash him with a comforting warmth although he suspects the sun will become one of his biggest opponents on his hike back. But for now it's easy going as he moves with a steady pace, stopping once in a while just to listen to the comforting quietness of his surroundings. 

Further down the mountain he enters the forest once again, the soothing shadows of the trees surrounding him almost like a blanket. The scent of the moss on the stones and on the ground around him is earthy and thick and he breathes deep, closing his eyes. A bird sings in the distance. 

_A bird sings in the tall dark trees surrounding the wide paved path up to the mansion teetering on the edge of the ravine just outside Geneva. He misses the weight of Julia's hand in his own as the sound of only his own steps race up the mountain, his leather gloves providing just enough to shield them from the icy coldness of midwinter._

_His heart is heavy and he feels sick, he's never been this nervous before. Not even when captured, not even when killing people and feeling their life leave their bodies. No, the unknowing of what happened to Julia hangs heavy on his shoulders, making his knees buckle as he has to fight his body to keep on going._

_He needs to see this through. He needs to get to the information he needs for this mission to be over. He needs to hold Julia once more, tell her it's okay and that he regrets hiring her for this job. No matter the money or the fame, none of it matters if you cannot hear the birds sing anymore, not see another sun rise._

_And with a heavy heart he ignores the suspicion on what had happened to Julia. He has to convince himself that he's here in time, that his cover is not blown, that he can save her. He knows otherwise, he feels otherwise and yet he squares his shoulders and knocks on the heavy wooden doors, knowing he's too late and powerless in this situation._

He snaps back to the forested mountainside and has to lean against a nearby tree to stay upright. The memory and the deeply rooted emotions it brought up with itself swirl inside of him and he counts his breaths to keep his sanity. Sweat runs down his face no matter how cool it is in the shadows under the looming trees. 

With a shaky breath he pushes of the tree and continues down the worn path that finally intersects with the other path he saw on his map. Not much further, he thinks, desperately trying to push the memory back into the bottle it was stashed in years ago.

The steady beat of his feet against the path brings him back to the moment and he sees the red facade of the sawmill get bigger with every step. He looks around him like he's admiring the view, uncertain if there's someone looking at him. 

The area around the mill is quiet and he cannot hear any movement or activity anywhere. As he gets closer to the mill, he chooses the path encircling the mill and starts to hike upwards. As he passes a cluster of large trees he checks to see that no one is near him and acts like he needs to take a piss. As he moves to one of the trees he sticks the small, almost invisible camera so that a low hanging branch beside it shields it from view but the camera itself has a perfect view of the northeast of the mill. 

He sticks two other cameras at steady intervals around the outside perimeter of the mill. As he sticks the last one, pretending to have a rest and drink some water by another cluster of trees he sees a person walking up the path. 

She's not old, middle aged at best, her hair in a ponytail and hiking gear that's clearly superior to his. He smiles at her as she nears and she waves at him. As she gets closer Ryan envies her immaculate appearance in contrast to Ryan's sweaty tshirt and dust covered shoes. She looks like she's been pulled straight out of a magazine. 

"Hello!" Her voice is chipper and light and she stops by him. Ryan makes sure she can't see the camera he just hid and stands up and walks back to the path. "Taking a rest?"

"Yes." Ryan replies. "The path is longer than I thought it would be."

"It's deceiving." The woman laughs. "I don't think I've seen you before?"

"You probably haven't." Ryan shrugs. "I'm renting the cabin up the mountain, needed to get away from the city."

"I get that." Her smile widens. "I used to work down by the pier but had to leave. Burn-out."

"I'm sorry." Ryan replies, unsure on if this lady's what she says she is. "You walking this way?"

"Yeah, I'm on a short hike, just around the mill today."

"We're headed the same way." Ryan says and motions up the mountain. "I'm heading back up, my legs are killing me. We could walk together before I veer off and up."

She laughs but motions for him to lead the way. Ryan smiles, steps to the side and she falls into a comfortable step beside him. He knows he can reach his pistol within a second if things go wrong and something about the woman next to him makes him nervous. 

"So what do you do for a living?" She asks and looks at him. "If you don't mind me asking."

"IT." He answers. "Boring stuff really."

"I bet." She laughs. "I was in accounting."

"Oh god I get why you left." 

They laugh and Ryan's fingers itch for the gun. 

As they make small talk they walk, and they reach the point where the path branches off within a few minutes. The woman smiles and waves her goodbyes as Ryan stands by the path up the mountain and watches her walk away. He waits for her to turn around to look at him but she doesn't, step by step she disappears behind the curve of her path. With a start Ryan realizes she never gave him her name, a realization that would've been innocent enough in any other circumstance. 

Ryan stands still for a moment longer, listening for anything out of the ordinary before starting his climb up the mountain. He doesn't feel like he's watched and no matter how many times he steps out into the shadows to wait to see if anyone's following him nobody appears behind him. 

By the time he's walked for a mile it's near midday. He grabs the snack bar he brought with him and stops by a bend in the path. A rock protrudes from the ground and he looks at the path winding up the mountain, then at the rock just by the path and feels his feet take him to the rock. He rests his hand against it, feeling the warmth of the sun under his palm and looks around him. There's nothing near him, the only sounds the distant noises of the highway and the birds chirping in the trees. 

He removes his backpack, takes of his flannel and ties it to his waist before sitting down. His jeans have seen better days, he brushes off the dust that had clung to him. The sky is blue and wide and the forest behind him is dark and soothing and he breathes, he swears he can taste the distant ocean in the air.

He closes his eyes as a breeze flows through and makes the hair on his arms stand up. The sun is warm and he feels his limbs become soft and heavy as he listens to the sounds of nothing echo around him, trying to wipe his mind clear. 

He wishes Gavin was here with him. 

He knows he shouldn't. He knows it cannot be that way with them but at the same time those feelings he allowed him to feel, if only for a second, a moment all those days ago, they come flooding back. He had been a fool thinking that he could just bottle them away just as he had done with his memories and emotions for all these years. 

Something had shook him enough to make the shelves holding those bottles in his mind tumble and shatter. He doesn't know what to do with himself of the shattered bottles. The frown on his face is deep as he wades in the emotions. 

He's unsure on what to do. He feels so connected to these people, to the crew. A family he's not had in years if ever. And yet the deep connection he feels with Gavin tugs him in another direction. He knows, he thinks he knows that it wouldn't work. He cannot bear it not working. 

So he cannot. Every time he thinks of Gavin it's like a dagger to the heart and yet he knows he can't leave him. That way Gavin smirks, the way he flirts with and outright taunts death, Ryan's seen what happens to people who make one wrong move once. He can't let that happen to Gavin. He needs to protect him, he knows it's a matter of time before Gavin flirts with death one too many times. 

He's seen it all before, fiery gunshots, gleaming blades, confused eyes, trembling hands and the red around them and him, the crimson, flaming and suffocating, seeping and blooming on concrete, on wood, on metal. The smell of metal, of gunpowder, of death, the moment when it all ends, the never ending fury and sadness that follows those still standing. 

The thought of Gavin gurgling and drowning in his own blood shakes him. He leans forward resting his head in his hands as he breathes. The image of the crimson against the golden sticks with him, making him sick. 

He can't let that happen. He'll take the knife for him, the shot for him, the dagger to the heart every time Gavin's smiles or talks or winks, all those he can take. He'll walk to the end of the world only to see Gavin safe. 

And he knows that he can't stuff that deep emotion back into its own bottle and pretend. He knows now. He knows he's going to be tortured if he stays, for every moment of need and lust, for all the highs and lows, he knows it's going to be hell to be near him and yet so far. He knows this and he still makes the choice because for him there's no other choice. 

He cannot live if Gavin's hurt and he knows if Gavin's safe and happy he'll rest in peace. 

A bird sings softly in the trees behind him. Ryan's low chuckle tastes bitter in his mouth.

He sits, and he breathes and he reminds himself of the now and the where. He grounds himself to the rock, to the sad song the bird sings behind him, to the mission. He's fine, Gavin's fine. Julia is not, it's his fault but he knows that's years ago, his fault but not here, not now. 

The sun is heavy on the edge of the sky as it illuminates the path in front of him with golden tones. He pulls his flannel back on and grabs his backpack, his feet steady and strong on the path up the mountain. He knows his mission is done for the day, the cameras are secure and he's on his way back. 

He doesn't even realize how late it is until he reaches the cabin and hears the familiar ringing inside of it. He swears and rushes in dropping the backpack by the table as he scrambles to make the connection. 

"There you are!" Jack sighs as the connection is made. She looks worried, tired and alone in the briefing room. 

"Sorry. I didn't know what the time was." Ryan replies brushing his hair back from his face. 

"It's fine." Jack replies and moves to type in a message on her phone. "We were worried sick. We knew you were supposed to hike down and then when you missed your check-in we've all been scrambling. Gavin said something about moving satellites to get eyes on you. But it's good to see you're alright."

"Sorry." Ryan replies earnestly and ignores the way his heart aches as Jack mentions Gavin. 

"It's alright now." Jack answers. "Tell me you got something, the cameras you set up are working fine and sending footage to us right now."

"Good to hear they're working." Ryan sighs and leans back in his chair. "There's something I do need to ask your opinion on though."

He fills Jack in on the woman he met on the path and although he's not sure what it was with her that bothered him so much he's happy to see that Jack shares his hesitation about who the woman actually was. Ryan's relieved that it's not that he's going crazy up here alone.

"You need backup?" Jack's question is straight to the point. 

"There's no need to send in the cavalry yet." Ryan answers. "I'm just saying it might be beneficial to have a second pair of boots on the ground in case there's something when I'm asleep."

"I'll send someone up as soon as possible. Should be tomorrow or the day after." Jack replies, writing something down in her notebook.

After his check-in with Jack ends the cabin is too quiet and empty. Ryan feels the cold emptiness of the space around him form around him like a choke hold. It doesn't usually bother him but today it hits a nerve he didn't know he had. It's too still. He's too still. 

He knows Jack will yell at him later but he doesn't care, he darts out of the cabin and onto the grassy hill behind it. The lights from the city are so far from here and yet the light pollution seem to hold him down. 

It's cold outside, the sun's already long gone and the universe is shining above him. He twists his neck, looking up at the slow and steady rotation of the stars above him. He wonder's who's watching him now, if anybody's looking out for him. 

He curses himself for thinking that. 

The coldness around him hugs around him and he yells. There's no words as he yells at the universe. He knows his voice will echo from his vantage point, he knows that his position on the hill is ripe for a sniper to just end it all but the thrill of it all is almost exhilarating, sending chills to his bones. He doesn't know if it's the fact that he's sleep deprived or lonely that makes him laugh, the laughter mixing with his yell and for a moment there's peace within him.

His thoughts wander and he's so desperate to be here with Gavin. Somehow he imagines Gavin would like the stars, he doesn't know why but he does. His hands ache, his heart aches as he looks up at the stars and then down at the distant city. 

"Get a fucking grip." He chuckles choosing to ignore the wetness in eyes and tries to will it away. It's just the wind that made them water. "Look at yourself. If they saw you like this they wouldn't fear you anymore."

He knows it to be true. The absent mask feels like a punch to the gut. It's calling for him. It's always been there when he didn't know what to do with the storm inside him. A hiding place, an act, a facade. When he didn't know up from down, right from left, friend from enemy, the mask was there. The Vagabond was there. 

He shakes his head. He needs to get a hold of himself. He can't let anybody see him like this, he needs to build that facade back up again. Maybe it was a mistake to take the mask off so soon. Maybe he could go back. 

He knows he can't. And deep down he knows he doesn't want to go back. He's tasted life as Ryan, as a mortal and not as the myth. He knows there's no way back to being the person he was a year ago. That doesn't stop him from missing it. 

He's never been good at emotions, and even less with dealing with them. But he knows the frustration that lingers deep in his bones, making his fingers twitch and his breath quicken. He stomps back down into the cabin, the surroundings still sleepy and calm even after his tantrum. He closes the door heavily behind him and locks it, tosses his clothes off and gets into the shower. 

Ryan doesn't bother with waiting for the water to get warm. He steps into the icy stream and embraces the way his muscles shudder. He tries to think of nothing else than the slowly warming water around him, about the way the water drips down his nose and down the drain. He tries to focus on the beads of water on his arms as he leans against the wall, he tries to think of the way the water hits the ground and how it drums softly against his head. 

He fails. 

Frustrated he reaches down and grabs his cock in his hand. He's already halfway there and he hates it but he grabs his cock nonetheless. He decides against any lubrication, instead he welcomes the dry ache that he knows he'll feel later and thumbs his slit. His breath catches in his throat and his mouth falls open as he uses one arm to hold himself up in the shower and the other to start pump himself. His movements aren't soft or slow, this is nothing more than a quick release in a vain attempt to sleep better tonight. He focuses on the feeling, the building heat and tries his best to keep himself here. 

He fails. 

Green eyes lock with his mind eye, those golden locks framed by glistening skin. A soft moan escapes his mouth, the water splashing around him faster as he chases the image although he knows he shouldn't. He imagines the touch of Gavin's capable hands, of those lips around his cock sucking him off instead of mouthing off. As his mind races, imagines the ways he could make Gavin scream his name, how he squirms underneath him, begs for release, his hand continues it's frantic pace towards his release. He imagines Gavin's face taking all of Ryan, of the way his breath would hike at the slow burning stretch around Ryan, the sounds pouring out of him. He'd look so good, almost divine in his arms glistening with sweat and the steadily building climax would make him cum all over himself, make him scream his name. 

He cums with a grunt, his chest heaving and his arm dropping down as he opens his eyes to find himself alone in the middle of nowhere. His cum floats down the drain and although he searched for a high, he found none. Disappointed and tired he shuts the water off and dries himself off. His mind is heavy with the disappointment, both in the lack of release and with himself. He knows he only made things harder thinking of Gavin like that. He knows he shouldn't have. He chastises himself as he pulls his sweatpants on before walking around the cabin to make sure everything is as it should. 

Guilt hangs heavy in his mind as he sighs burrowing his head into the pillow, pulling the covers high. He reaches over and feels the comforting coldness of his pistol under his pillow and he allows himself to sink deeper until he falls asleep.

His sleep is filled with dreams of people with green eyes and trembling hands, of the greenness of their eyes mixed with the coldness of the crimson that seeps out of them. He runs and he runs and he tries and he tries but nothing he does saves them, saves him from their judging gaze. 

He jolts awake not sure what had awoken him. He lies still, calms his breath and his hand reaches for his pistol. Then he hears it again, the sound of someone on his porch and he sits up, the floor under his bare feet as cold as the pistol in his hand. The safety clicks softly off and he walks over to the door, careful not to walk in front of any windows and stops to listen by the door. 

There's definitely someone on the porch. The wooden boards under their feet creaking as moonlight pour through the windows. Ryan braces himself, listens for his moment with his gun in one of his hands and the other on the door handle.

He hears the person outside drop something, the porch creaks and he throws open the door, aims at the person in dark clothing look up from the large bag they were carrying that now laid on the porch. 

Green eyes twinkle in the moonlight above an all too familiar smirk.

"Why is that every time you open the door you aim a gun at me?" 

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> *wink*


	11. Chapter Eleven

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> In my hurry to publish this weeks chapter I totally forgot to write this little part of the chapter. Well it's nothing more than my opportunity to gush over you amazing readers, and tell you guys how much you mean to me. It's not even remotely lying to say that without you guys and your amazing comments and kudos I wouldn't be planing the next arc and how this entire story will turn out. I love you guys so much! ❤ ❤ ❤ 
> 
> No new tags for this week, next week might be a different story but I'll keep you guys updated next week. I'm really excited to get the ball rolling down Chiliad and get these doofuses to admit their feelings. Next weeks chapter and the following chapter are exciting because they include the first sentences and scenes I ever wrote for this story. So I hope I'll keep seeing you wonderful people!

_"Why is that every time you open the door you aim a gun at me?"_

Ryan grabs Gavin by his shirt and practically throws him into the cabin, grabs and throws the bag behind him. He peers out of the open door and listens, but cannot hear anything outside nor can he see anything he's not supposed to see. Adrenaline is still rushing through his veins as he turns back inside and closes the door behind him.

"What the fuck were you thinking?" He asks Gavin, stalking over to the windows, checking the outside yet again. The gun is as heavy in his hand as his voice is harsh. 

"You said you needed help." Gavin answers, brushing his shirt to get rid of the crumples Ryan's hand had left. "So here I am."

"First of all, I told Jack that it wasn't urgent-" Ryan starts, aware of the volume of his voice as he throws the curtains back and stares at Gavin. "-secondly, why the fuck did you decide you'd show up here in the middle of the night? Do you have any idea on how dangerous that is?"

Ryan's voice is bordering to yelling, but Gavin doesn't shy away one inch as he shrugs. Ryan can't help but to notice how Gavin eyes him over and he realizes that it's been a while since he saw Gavin face to face. That realization stings, his eyes roaming over Gavin's frame although the anger inside him continues to simmer. 

"I didn't think it would take this long to get here." Gavin answers taking a step towards Ryan and placing a hand on Ryan's chest with a cavalier smile. "I can take care of myself."

Ryan's hand grabs Gavin's wrist so hard he knows it's got to hurt him, but he's too far gone to care. He ignores the way Gavin's touch feels like pure electricity running through his body. It's as if the distance between them magnified everything. 

Ryan's mind is still too frantic, the worry and the desperation of not wanting Gavin anywhere near danger pulsing through him transforming into anger. 

"Your carelessness is going to get you killed one day." Ryan spits out, still grasping Gavin's wrist in his hand and he removes it from his chest. His voice is low and carries a warning and he sees Gavin's pupils dilate. Ryan's acutely aware of their closeness, the fact that he feels Gavin's pulse quicken in his hand, the fact that he can see every detail of his face, the fact that he could just lean in and- 

He let's go of Gavin's hand and moves away, pacing in the small cabin that suddenly feels like a trap. He's only partially aware that his lack of sleep is making this more intense, but he tries to ignore it and Gavin as well.

"What's got your panties in a twist?" Gavin asks, careful to keep his voice steady, the effort shining through. 

They stare at each other, none of them moving. The cabin seems so distant even though it surrounds them as Ryan gets lost in those green eyes that haunt his nights and he feels the hot air inside of him deflate. 

"You shouldn't have come here Gavin." Ryan says curtly, running his hands through his hair as he sits down on the edge of the bed placing the gun beside him as he rubs his face. As the adrenaline wears off he feels years older, the dull ache of the hike in his muscles, the scare and the lack of sleep like cotton in his head. 

"You look like shit." Ryan hears Gavin say, but he doesn't feel like he's making fun of him. He knows what he must look like and for a moment he struggles to pull the facade up. He doesn't. "I mean the lumberjack vibe you're going with is absolutely doing it for me, but you look like a corpse."

Ryan hears Gavin move, put his bag down on the couch before the bed beside him dips. He fights the urge to just run and never look back, he fights the urge to slam Gavin against the wall and have his way with him in a vain attempt to make himself feel a bit better. 

His tiredness sets into his bones like cement and he doesn't move. 

"You alright?" Gavin's voice is soft, and he radiates warmth against his arm after the long hike up to the mountain. There's nothing Ryan wants more than to reach out and grab him. 

"I'm fine." He mutters into his hands. 

"Sure love, and I'm the Queen." Gavin laughs before falling still beside him. "You been sleeping?"

"I said I was fine!" Ryan snaps, locks eyes with Gavin. His fists are clenched, and he doesn’t know what he wants to do. Gavin's just looking at him, that poorly masked worry in his eyes, that pity that he hates so much. 

"Alright, chill out." Gavin says, lifting his hands up in surrender. "I get that this was a bit abrupt and I realize now that I could've done it smoother."

"You think?" Ryan laughs bitterly. "Fuck, Gavin, do you even realize how close I came to shooting you?" 

Gavin looks at him, a deeper understanding settling into his features and his mouth falls slightly open. Ryan can't look at him anymore, he stands up and clenches his fists tighter to keep them from shaking. The anger seeps out of him like rainwater from a rusty bucket as he paces. 

"You can't-" Ryan bites out even though his voice gets caught in his throat. "Do you realize that? Your life was almost over because of me! It would've been my fault!" _Again._ He keeps that word to himself. He can't do this now. 

"Hey." Gavin's voice is soft as he stands up and walks to him. Ryan doesn't move, still shaking like a leaf and he's sure he must look like a deranged person. "Ryan." 

Ryan refuses to look at Gavin, to look into his eyes. He feels Gavin's hands against his arms, squeezing softly.

"Rye please." Gavin's smiling, his eyes twinkling as he locks eyes with him. His eyes seem a shade deeper, his emotions dancing just out of reach. "I'm sorry."

Those two words are like a needle that punctures Ryan and the rest of his anger and the worry that was rooted deeper seep out of him and he feels like he deflates in front of Gavin. 

"No, I'm sorry." Ryan mumbles, rubbing his eyes to avoid Gavin's eyes. His limbs feel heavier than ever. "I shouldn't have yelled, it's just-"

"Rye it's fine." Gavin interrupts him. "I realize this is almost entirely my fault. We cool?"

"Sure." Ryan replies and means it.

"Great. " Gavin beams, his smile wide but warm. Ryan ignores the way his heart stutters at the sight and how Gavin's warm hands still on his arms anchors him to this world. "Tea?"

Gavin's moving out of his bubble and Ryan hates to admit how cold it instantly becomes. He turns around to see Gavin rooting in the cupboards in the kitchen. 

"Sure. I don't think I'll sleep tonight anyway."

Gavin casts a glance at him, a knowing smile tugging the corner of his mouth that Ryan chooses to ignore. 

"I'm not sleepy at all, I thought I'd stay up, but I don't mind company." Gavin says as he continues to make their drinks. 

Ryan stays silent as he watches Gavin slip into a comfortable routine and before long Gavin's softly pushing him to sit down on the old couch and places a warm cup into his hands. 

Ryan looks away from Gavin as he blows softly on his cup to cool it, so he doesn't burn himself. The scent of the tea swirls around him, reminding him of meadows and rain. He feels Gavin's eyes on him. He feels conflicted, he can't deny that the moment his heart had calmed down he had been happy it was Gavin who arrived. Yet he's terrified. Alone with Gavin, away from it all. Having to see him, having to live with him, having him near, his eyes on him, a blessing and a curse. 

He sips his tea and feels some of the tension run off him, the warmth of the drink seeping through his bones. Gavin hums a soft song next to him, a tune he hasn't heard before. Ryan turns his gaze and watches Gavin, clearly lost in his own thoughts, watch the stonework of the fireplace with an untouched cup of tea in his hands. 

In the light of the moon shining through the parted curtains Gavin's not so golden. He's almost silver, radiant as ever but somehow more muted. His hands are soft around the cup, no scars on them. Ryan can't help but to imagine how soft they'd be in his own hands. Ryan's eyes linger on the few visible scars on his own hands. 

Gavin's jaw is soft, relaxed and still strong, the stubble on his face like shadows. He looks older, like he did in his apartment all those weeks ago. He looks softer, not like the golden statue that you couldn't reach. Here in the moonlight with a forgotten cup of tea steaming in his hands he looked like a mortal. 

Ryan's heart aches. How he longs for him, his arms so empty, his soul screaming at him. Gavin's soft gaze turns, locks with his eyes and for a moment Ryan forgets how to breathe. Gavin's gaze is visceral and tears Ryan to pieces. Ryan's heart beats so hard he's sure Gavin can hear it, but he can't tear his eyes away from Gavin. It feels like he sees Gavin for the first time, no masks, no facade. Just a man like himself, lost and alone, those green eyes so near and Ryan wants nothing more than to reach in, to grab him, to make him something more. 

He doesn't. He tears his own heart out as he looks away, sips his tea again. The sweetness of the drink nothing compared to Gavin. He feels like he's suffocating as he feels Gavin's eyes on his skin.

"I'll take the couch." Gavin says after a while, after their cups are rinsed and the moon has shifted in the sky. "For tonight that is. We'll figure out a schedule or something tomorrow with clear heads."

"Sure." Ryan replies, shuffling awkwardly in the middle of the room. 

"You take the bed." Ryan moves as Gavin emphasizes his words with hand gestures. "You don't mind me talking?"

"It's fine." Ryan says as he sits down and leans against the headrest. Gavin's already on some long-winded tale of his journey here, Ryan's not sure how Gavin keeps sidetracking onto more banal tangents and as Gavin's voice starts to drone and blend together he doesn't even realize he's slipping down the headrest and into sleep. 

He feels a presence beside him but as he tries to get up a soft voice shushes him softly. He feels the blanket being pulled around him.

"It's okay. Just go to sleep, I'll wake you up if there's anything."

The sun is high in the sky and pours into the cabin by the time Ryan rolls around and opens his eyes. He sits up confusedly, looking around at the empty cabin, sees Gavin's stuff all over the tables and the floors and he flops back down. He smiles realizing that for the first time in a while, his sleep had actually done it's job. He feels the energy of a night without nightmares crackle in his body.

He hears the door open and he reaches for his gun, but he sees it's Gavin who walks in. 

"Morning." Gavin says surprised but with a wide smile on his face. "Slept okay?"

"Better than in a while." Ryan says and sits back up. "What time is it?"

"Near noon I think." Gavin laughs. "I'm glad you slept well, you look much better than last night."

"I must look like a corpse." Ryan mumbles and yawns.

"Nah." Gavin says. "You looked like a corpse yesterday. Now you look like-" Gavin pauses and looks at him with a tilted head "-a marshmallow."

"What's that supposed to mean?" Ryan asks as he stands up and ruffles his hair as he moves around the bed and into the bathroom.

"Soft." Gavin laughs but Ryan can't get anything more out of him. 

Soft, Ryan muses as he takes a quick shower and gets dressed. He can't help but to smile at the way Gavin had smiled when he said it, and the way that one word made his soul shift and his heart ache.

He knows he's an idiot, that he should just make things clear with Gavin and yet the thought makes him nauseous. He can do this, he can pretend it's not like that. That he can't imagine himself with Gavin, that he doesn't think about how Gavin would feel underneath him, how he might taste like. That he doesn't fall deeper with every story, every laugh and every look. That he can't imagine a lazy Sunday morning breakfast, a walk in a park, his warm body against his on the pier after the sun sets. He tries to convince himself of that, but deep down he knows. 

Maybe it's just physical. The thought lingers with him like poison, like a tripwire waiting for him to stumble and fall, letting his guards down. Maybe it's nothing more, maybe he should make a move, let off steam. It's nothing more, it doesn't need to be more. The thought is sweet, intoxicating and infuriating. He knows he can't. He shouldn't.

The scent of freshly made coffee floats into the bathroom and Ryan follows it to the kitchen. He sees that Gavin's sitting on the porch and although he knows he should stay away his feet takes him directly outside with his coffee cup. 

Gavin's sitting cross-legged on the fencing around the porch, his back against one of the support posts, a coffee cup in his hands. His hair glimmers in the sun, although Gavin hadn't bothered with styling it today. Ryan has to shake the thoughts of how soft his hair would be as he sits down in the couch by the window. 

"Anything happen when I was sleeping?" Ryan asks sipping his coffee. 

"Nothing really." Gavin answers with a shrug. "No movement by the mill, nothing nearby. I couldn't see anything weird around here as I walked the perimeter this morning. No electronics nearby either."

"Good to hear." Ryan says. "I still can't quite figure out what they're doing down there."

"Me neither." Gavin says. "What's this I heard about a bird you met on your hike?"

"Something about her just didn't seem right." Ryan replies softly. 

"Listen, I've been thinking about this." Gavin says after a while. "We should try to meet her again. This time I'll be with you and I brought one of my discrete undercover cameras with me. I'll get a picture and we'll run her through the systems."

"You sure that's safe?" Ryan asks. "We have no idea who she is or how dangerous she might be."

"I'm sure I'll be fine with you there." Gavin winks. 

Ryan's heart stops. 

It's already late by the time they head out for the mill. The sun hangs low in the sky and Ryan knows it'll be dark by the time they'll be back. Gavin's practically vibrating with energy and the prospect of meeting with the woman Ryan saw before. 

The hike down isn't as bad as it had been previously, Ryan suspects it might do with the fact that he finally got a good night’s rest. Somehow the future didn't seem as bleak, although he knew that he couldn't possibly make things work out between him and Gavin. 

"Hey Rye?" Gavin asks as they near the trees on their path towards the mill. Ryan looks at Gavin, who looks at the trees with curiosity lingering in his gaze and the way he tilts his head. "When was the last time you climbed a tree?"

"What?" Ryan asks, his brow furrowing at the unexpectedness of Gavin's question although he supposes he should be used to it by now.

"I can't." Gavin says softly, watching the trees get nearer with each of their steps. "I can't remember. There's not many trees in the places I've been. Maybe when I was little. There was this apple tree in the backyard, I used to climb it with-" Gavin falls silent. Ryan averts his gaze, feeling like an intruder in a memory he's not supposed to see. "-It doesn't matter really. I really liked climbing I think."

Ryan's silent for a while. 

"A few years ago."

Gavin turns to look at him but Ryan just looks forward. 

"Really?"

"For a job." Ryan explains remembering the insufferable heat even in the shadow, the heaviness of the sniper in his arms and the challenging shot he had to make. "I don't remember if I ever thought about if I liked the climb or not. It was a necessity, the only vantage point for the shot."

"Christ Rye." Gavin giggles. "I guess I should've seen that one coming."

"You really should've." Ryan replies with a smirk. The trees are looming over them as they finally step into the shadow. He doesn't know why, but he stops. Gavin looks at him curiously. "We've got time."

"For what?" Gavin asks. 

"For you to climb a tree." Ryan replies matter-of-factly. The smile that burst on Gavin's face before Ryan watches him drop his backpack is the sweetest thing Ryan swears he's ever seen. As he chuckles watching Gavin dart from tree to tree trying to figure out which one is the best one to climb he feels a heaviness in his chest and the smile on his face falters only for a moment. Gavin looks so happy. He smiles at Gavin and encourages him to go for it as Gavin looks at him. Ryan can't tear his eyes away from Gavin, even in the shadow of the forest illuminated by a rogue sliver of golden light. A chuckle escapes his lips at the inevitability of it all. 

Gavin's nimble as he climbs, looking like he's always done this. Ryan can't help the adoration that seeps into his senses as he sees Gavin climb higher and higher until he pulls himself onto a thick branch with a grunt.

"Like what you see?" Gavin says with a smile, draping himself clumsily on the branch, throwing his head back so that the sun gleams off his face. 

God yes. 

"Well?" Ryan says instead. "Was it everything you hoped for and more?"

"Absolutely, especially when I've got such an adoring crowd to cheer me on." Gavin replies without missing a beat. He looks at Ryan for a moment, Ryan can't seem to tear his eyes away from Gavin or wipe the stupid smile on his face. "I guess I should come down."

"I could leave you here, you seem happy enough." Ryan says but his smile is too genuine to actually carry a threat. Gavin laughs and climbs down, somehow equally nimbly as on his way up and brushes his clothes as he joins Ryan. "Shall we?"

Gavin picks up his backpack and they fall into a comfortable step next to each other.

Gavin's talking the entire way down, a comfortable chatter about everything and nothing. Ryan nods and chimes in when he feels like it, but he lingers in the comfort of the noise. He hadn't realized how much he missed Gavin's constant questions and stories. His mind races, desperate to enjoy the moment but the dread of the future hangs around him. 

He knows Gavin notices it. He knows that there's nothing that gets past Gavin, Gavin with his aloof exterior that hides his intelligence from outsiders so perfectly. He wonders how he manages to keep that up, Ryan's own mask and facade seem so heavy now that he's here without them. 

Ryan's suddenly unsure about himself, what he's doing and why he keeps on going. Maybe it's time to hang the mask to rest, maybe he should by a house far, far away. Maybe get a dog. 

He looks at Gavin, effortlessly walking beside him. He doesn’t know what he'd do without him. Even these few days, trapped and yet still so free here on the mountain, now that Gavin's here he doesn't know how he managed. He knows that he's starting to get too attached and yet he laughs at Gavin's jokes, doesn't pull away when Gavin's arm brushes against his own as if by accident, doesn't stop his heart singing for Gavin.

He's fucked. 

As their feet hit the other path encircling the mill he feels Gavin's energy shift. Ryan doesn't flinch at the sudden change in accents Gavin pulls, the British being exchanged with an accent that wouldn't be a hair out of place in the heart of Los Santos. He still looks and sounds like a normal man, chattering about a new show he thinks is awful. Ryan keeps steady pace with him, forcing himself to relax and not keep staring at the mill and the three new cars he sees parked right outside one of the main buildings. 

They don't get much further than Ryan had gotten previously when Ryan sees the woman climb up the slope in front of them. Gavin keeps talking, pretending he's not seen her but throws Ryan a look telling him he's aware. 

Ryan laughs at Gavin's joke as they near and they watch as the woman looks up and smiles. 

"Oh hello!" She greets them with a warm, almost maternal smile. "I thought I might see you here."

"Couldn't stay away, the hike is really peaceful." Ryan replies, mirroring the warmth. He looks her over, the same hiking gear on her as it was before. Not a hair is out of place, an effortless appearance of a woman that should've shown more exhaustion if she had come from the road. 

She came from the mill, Ryan thinks with a jolt as Gavin introduces himself to her. She must've come from the mill, it's the only explanation that made sense to him. She looks effortless, like she's pretending to be out here hiking but without the hiking. 

"So, are you two together or something?" She asks, doing a noncommittal waive with her hands. She looks embarrassed, a bit curious and now that Ryan knows to look for it, a sharpness around her gaze. He knows she’s dangerous. 

"It's our anniversary this weekend." Gavin says excitedly, grabbing Ryan's arm and pressing against it. Ryan forces himself to remain calm and just smiles as she looks at him. "We thought we'd get away from the city, a romantic getaway of sorts."

"Oh, how delightful!" She coos and clasps her hand. Ryan sees behind her smile. The pistol in his waist is heavy. "How come you didn't mention this when we met before?"

Because you’re not who you say you are, Ryan thinks. 

"Oh, he's a bit shy about this." Gavin explains and pats his arm. "Family issues, you know how that is."

"Of course." She replies, nodding sympathetically. "People can be so close minded."

"You're so right!" Gavin says, grasping Ryan's hand in his, intertwining their fingers. "But the only thing that matters is us and our happiness, ain't that right love?"

"Absolutely." Ryan replies and looks down at Gavin. The way he had said love made Ryan's heart sing and the smile on his face is not faked, but a real smile that feels like a breath of fresh air. It feels like an eternity that he looks into Gavin's eyes, soft and vulnerable, but still hiding something from him, or maybe from her. 

Ryan almost forgets about the woman but as she sighs he turns to face her. 

"You guys look like you're meant for each other." She says. "I'll leave you to your hike." 

"I think we should head back home love." Gavin says, pulling him with him. "It was nice meeting you!"

"Likewise!" She replies behind them. 

Ryan cannot think about anything else than about the weight and warmth of Gavin's hand in his. Gavin keeps leading the way as they get further and further away from the mill. 

"She's from the mill." Ryan mumbles as he steps into a step beside Gavin who nods. 

"I gathered as much as well. A lookout of sorts." Gavin says and lifts their hands to press a soft kiss on Ryan's hand. Ryan swears his heart stops. "There's most likely eyes on us. Need to sell this."

"You got a picture?" Ryan asks as they start to hike up the steep path back to their cabin. The mill behind them gets further away with every step and it's not long before the trees and vegetation shield them from the looming building. 

"Of course." Gavin says acting offended that he even needed to ask that. "As soon as we're back I'll the searches going."

Ryan nods and as they turn the path to be completely out of sight from the mill Gavin lets his hand go. Ryan's hand is empty and cold, and he doesn't like it at all.


	12. Chapter Twelve

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Tuesday sweethearts! ❤ 
> 
> I've decided to bump up the rating from mature to explicit just to be sure. I'm sorry if this has been misleading, but I didn't realize how explicit things will get in the future chapters. I was thinking about waiting for a certain apex to change the rating (*wink*) since I realized where my writing was taking me but realized I've been kinda explicit already with all the wanking off. (Don't tell anyone but the rating would've jumped next week anyway, so I didn't think it was necessary to delay it).
> 
> Anyways, I hope you guys like this one. The second part of this chapter is one of the first things I wrote for this story and it's terrifying and exciting to finally send it off into the world. Also, there's a bit of a cliffy at the end, but I promise that it'll be worth it. Besides this chapter would've been over 10k without it and that seems... excessive. 
> 
> Be sure to let me know what you think down below, kudos and comments are the fuel that keeps me going! ❤
> 
> Oh and I've published the first chapter of another explicit Freewood story I'm currently working on, it's called Into the Blue and is going to be shameless smut with plot in a modern setting, if you want to check it out. It's updated on Fridays if you need more Freewood to sustain you through the week.

Ryan's axe splits the large log into two pieces that fall to the ground with a satisfying thud. Ryan wipes the sweat off his brow as the sun shines down on him like a spotlight. He grinds his teeth and swings his axe again and again, trying to still the frustration within him but with every swing, with every log it doesn’t seem to go anywhere. 

He should've known that this stakeout wouldn't be like the others with Gavin here, that it wouldn't drag along with long periods of silence. He was good at that, not at being so close to Gavin around the clock. He wonders where all that patience had disappeared throughout the years. 

He glances at the still cabin, the only occupant in it sound asleep. Ryan stops, his heart beats as he listens to the quietness of his surroundings. The cabin seems almost comically small from out here.

The truth is that he knows where his patience went. All his energy had gone and still goes to maintaining a distance between them. Gavin's gotten bolder as they days had dragged along. It doesn't matter when or where, everywhere Ryan goes he feels Gavin there too. 

It began with wayward brushes of shoulders against each other. Small enough to blame on the close quarters. Small bumps into each other when pouring coffee in the kitchen, when passing each other to the bathroom. Every time Ryan felt Gavin's skin against him it was like electricity, like a spark that keeps calling for him, for him to take the next step. 

It began harmlessly, easily enough to ignore and to suppress. Then it became more, lingering hands, Gavin leaning against him when they checked in, their knees touching when they sat beside each other in the evening. Small touches that made Ryan want to lean into them, but he couldn't. As much as it pained Ryan, as much energy as he had to redirect maintaining his distance he can't deny that those moments didn't stay with him. 

Ryan sighs, pulling another large log in front of him and letting the axe swing down. The familiar strain and warmth in his muscles feels comfortable and sorely needed. He knows he'll be sore later on, he knows that it will be tough later when Gavin wakes up. 

The thought of Gavin against him flashes in his mind like a forbidden temptation. He tries to regain his footing, tries to stop his mind from wondering over how Gavin might move against him, how Gavin's skin might glisten in the moon light, what kind of noises might escape his lips. He tries, and he fails. 

He growls in frustration throwing the axe with precision that came with practice and hits a log. He marches towards the cabin, pulls his flannel off as he quietly enters and moves to fetch his running gear. A good run might clear his mind. 

"Is it my birthday?" Gavin coos softly from the bed and startles Ryan. He sees that Gavin's only barely awake, his hair tousled and his eyes still heavy with sleep. 

Ryan swallows hard as he sees Gavin stretch out, sees the muscles of his back and arms stretch under the strip of daylight pouring in between the curtains. Ryan swears Gavin's doing that on purpose, his spine arching more and more, making the curve of his ass prominent and oh so round, until Ryan's sure that the blanket will slip down his ass and bare him to Ryan. His thoughts disappear from his mind, this mind going absolutely blank with the overwhelming urge to let into the hunger, to jump on the bed and ravish Gavin, punish him for teasing him like this. Gavin's eyes are heavy, from sleep Ryan assures himself, and Ryan's fingernails dig into his palm as he has to focus to center himself again. 

"What?" Ryan asks, clearing his head with a shake.

"Seeing you half naked, sweaty and frustrated by my bedside might as well be a gift." Gavin explains with a smirk that is interrupted by a yawn. Ryan chuckles nervously, forcing his feet to move and he collects his running gear from the corner of the room. 

"I'm going for a run." Ryan says already moving out of the bedroom and into the bathroom to change. 

"I gathered that much." Gavin's voice is loud enough to carry to the bathroom and Ryan closes the door only to lean against it. He breathes heavily, his chest heaving as he shakes his head trying to shake the sight that's now permanently branded into his memory. 

It shouldn't be this hard, it shouldn't anymore. But as he previously thought that this would get easier with practice he finds his resolve crumble with every passing moment with Gavin, as if his presence is like constant waves against his shoreline. 

Maybe he should just take up on his thoughts, maybe he should just take the step. It could be physical, it could be that. He's done this before but he can't understand why this time the thought of just having a quickie, a onetime thing with Gavin chills his bones. 

His feet land hard on the path leaving dust clouds behind him as he barrels down the mountain. Even when his mind feels weak, his resolve crumbling around him, his muscles carry him like usual. He doesn't stop, he doesn't think as his feet carry him further away from the cabin and the turmoil within him. He doesn’t think of anything, he doesn't feel anything but the familiar burning in his muscles and in his lungs, that sweet intoxicating metallic taste in his mouth. 

He runs, and he runs, he runs until he cannot breathe and a bit further still. The nervous, almost frantic energy within him, that frustration and need he cannot fulfill still with him even as he stumbles. The running seeming to do nothing but to make him more tired. 

He stops. His breath is heavy, and his frustration hasn't left him yet. He looks backwards, the cabin ways away. He thinks about just running, just keep on going and yet the pull towards the cabin is too strong. It's not just the mission, it's also about Gavin. 

He swears, he knows another way to relieve his frustrations. He shifts around, looks around him. He's now acutely aware that it's been a while since he last did this, and that realization tips the scale. Since Gavin arrived he's been unable to take care of himself, not trusting himself alone with Gavin. He's now unable to think about anything else like a teenager again. He looks around him one last time, the last thing he wants is someone to see him like this. 

He steps off the path, trying to find a spot in the forest where the chance of being seen or heard is the smallest. His breath is tight in his chest, his need growing with every passing second. He stops between three larger trees, shielded from the path and in the deliciously cool shadow he looks around him, the mixture of need and embarrassment coloring his face red in the afternoon sun. He doesn’t see anything; the forest is quiet and still and a jolt of electricity runs through him as he reaches a hand down his pants. 

It's been too long and that becomes apparent with his first stroke. His knees shake as he leans against the tree, a soft groan escaping his lips as he moves his hand with a feverish need. The frustration within him fuel him, makes him press against the tree harder, makes him stroke himself harder and faster and makes filthy sounds pour out of him like water pummeling down a waterfall. 

His mind races back to the cabin, to Gavin sprawled on the bed, naked, those lean muscles stretching and moving under the sun, glistening making him look divine. He sees him bite his lips, Ryan mirrors that, the coil within him tightening with every second and every thrust into his own hand. He knows it won't take much, he's not looking for much except for the release that might soothe his frustrations. 

He thumbs the tip of his cock, spreading the pre-cum, imagining the feeling of Gavin's lips against him, those green eyes looking up at him, need and lust clear as day. Ryan groans, slips against the tree and feels the bark scratch his skin but it doesn't matter at all, in fact it's sinful how much Ryan enjoys it. 

A branch cracks deeper in the woods but Ryan's too far gone to care. He throws his head against the tree gasping for air as he continues his frantic movements, his vision going blurry as he finally comes with a shout. His knees are weak, and he presses himself against the tree to stay upright. 

It takes him a while to come back down, to the dull ache of his scratched skin, to the soft warmth lingering in his muscles and the smile on his face. 

He cleans himself up as much as he can, trying to make sure that it isn't crystal clear that he just rubbed one off in the forest because he was that starved and that desperately needy. He straightens his clothes, looks around him and slowly emerges back to the path and picks up a soft jog back to the cabin. 

He hadn't realized how far he had run, but now the journey home seems to take forever. Ryan's mind, although calmer and more relaxed, is still focused on the need. It's like he took a hit of something he cannot deny himself, like an addict just trying to take one more hit. He's afraid he's taken a step too far into this slippery slope. He doesn’t know how he's supposed to finish this mission like this. 

The cabin is in front of him, the windows empty. Ryan stands by the edge of the forest just looking at the small house. He stops to think about how he'd gotten here, how life had led him to this point. He's not sure if he's glad or sad that it did. Maybe this torture is penance for everything he's done, every life he's ruined. 

He sighs and walks up to the cabin, his steps loud on the wooden porch as he shakes his arms and legs to avoid tight muscles later on. 

How is he supposed to face Gavin now, the temptation only heightened by everything, his thoughts racing and swirling and he's desperate to just get a hold of him again. It's getting ridiculous that he needs this much energy to fight it, he's sure he's slowly going insane with the temptation and the need and the agonizing denial of both of them. He sighs. 

Ryan opens the cabin door and steps in.

"Good run?" Gavin asks, looking up from the camera feeds displayed on the computer screen. He's dressed this time and Ryan doesn’t know whether he should feel relieved or disappointed. Not that Gavin looks bad, in fact the blue tones in his flannel makes him look handsome in a cozy way. Gavin looks more human like this, with his hair product-free and a soft flannel draped over his body, a stark contrast with his golden getup. 

"It was okay." Ryan replies moving towards the bathroom to take a shower, his mind deciding to remind him of all the things that flashed through his mind earlier. He's sure Gavin senses something by the way his shoulders tense, the way his cheeks are still warm, how he avoids looking Gavin directly in the eyes. 

"You seem more- relaxed." Gavin muses behind him and Ryan doesn't answer as he hurries to the bathroom, closing the door behind him. 

He curses himself softly, locks eyes with himself in the mirror before stripping down and stepping into the shower. Why did he have to make everything more and more complicated, he wonders shaking his head as water droplets shake around him.

\----

"You ever loved someone Rye bread?"

It's late that same night, Gavin's sprawled against the headboard of the bed with a tablet in his hand where he flicks lazily between the security cameras they set up. Ryan looks up at him, the gun he's cleaning laying in pieces in front of him, the afternoon sun shining and warming the black metal. 

It's not the first question of the night and certainly not the first since Ryan first met Gavin. Gavin's incredibly curious, and curious about things Ryan's never thought someone might be interested in. His questions always seem aloof, but when he thinks back he sees that they're always aimed at something deeper than just asking for his favorite color. He has to admit that he enjoys the questions immensely. 

"That depends on how you define that I guess." Ryan answers uncertainly, casting another glance at Gavin before continuing to disassemble the gun. Ryan's got to admit that he's gotten more comfortable with answering Gavin, as the Brit always seemed parched for his answers. He doesn't delve deeper into why that makes him feel so good.

"What do you mean?" Gavin asks curiously, resting the tablet by his side and focusing all his attention on Ryan, who tries his best not to squirm under his gaze.

"Has there ever been someone who's happiness I've cared about more than my own?" Ryan asks softly, refusing to look up from the task in his hands. He chooses his words carefully and without a hurry, after all time is all they have up here. "Has there ever been a person who was on my mind, keeping me up at night? Someone I'd kill and be killed for?"

Gavin is silent, Ryan feels his gaze on his skin but all he can think of is the way Julia's smile radiated confidence and warmth, about all those nights in Geneva, trying their best to fit in, to not stand out. Practicing their covers, teaching her how to protect herself better, the late-night walks, the early morning coffees. 

"If you count that, yes."

"But?" Gavin asks softly, almost too quiet for Ryan to hear it, sensing the question hanging in the air. 

"But have I been _in_ love?" Ryan asks his voice silent as he looks out at the forest outside their window. "I'm not so sure."

"Who were they?" Gavin asks.

Ryan opens his mouth to tell him to mind his own business, just like he always did when someone asked him about her. But instead of that, a long sigh escapes him and with it all his willpower to keep ignoring this. He's tired, all the running and all the energy spent to ignoring the need within him burst like a dam. Ryan doesn't know what it was, but something had shifted during their time together here in this tiny cabin. 

"Julia." Ryan almost whispers, realizes his hand is shaking and grips the disassembled parts in his hands tighter. "Years ago."

"What was she like?" Gavin asks, gently and Ryan doesn’t feel pressured to ask. It's almost like Gavin senses the deep wounds, the deep need for Ryan to tell someone after all these years. 

"Smart." Ryan replies with a soft smile, his eyes not seeing the forest outside the cabin but the small alleys and stone buildings in downtown Geneva. "She had this way of seeing past the bullshit. Saw through me immediately."

"She sounds nice." Gavin chimes in. 

"She was." Ryan replies, looking down at his shaking hands deciding to put the gun down. "She was amazing and way out of her depth because of me. She was innocent."

"What happened?"

"My fault. I needed someone to play my wife for a covert mission, she agreed although I don't know if she knew what she signed up for. For those weeks, god it must've been almost a month, I was so happy."

Gavin's silent, Ryan's far far away in his own memories. He smiles softly, remembering his time in Geneva. 

"It was winter. I'd never seen winter like that before and coming from the south, the alps and Geneva was like another planet. Didn't realize how cold it really was. She laughed at me when I complained, told me I was a child. But the next day she took me to a store, helped me buy a better jacket. That was what she was like, she loved life and was beyond curious. Always up for anything, but she was caring and so intelligent. Picked up on things super-fast, yearned to be better in everything in life.

"For months we prepared, we honed our cover stories, we laughed, we fought. I loved her. She was everything, literally everything. I had burned almost all my contacts stateside and out there, well. She was the only person I knew and trusted. The only one I'd talked to in depth in years. I was lonely, she was lonely, we were there for each other. "

Ryan falls silent. It's quieter than death in the cabin. 

"Then it all went to hell." Ryan whispers his voice breaking as he remembers the last time he saw her face, she was smiling and waving him off. They were in the clear. It was done, and yet he fucked up. His fault. "She paid for my mistake. It's all it takes, one fuck up and your life shatters. One misplaced word in an inopportune time."

"I'm sure it's not your-"

"Don't. It's only my fault." Ryan whispers. "She had so much to give to the world, she was all that I wasn't, she was bright and light. And look at me." Ryan's dark chuckle tears his chest apart. "It was me who should've died there. "

He doesn't realize the tears on his face until the first drop hits the table. Ryan stares intently at the droplets on the table as if he can will them away with his gaze. Gavin's up from the bed, quick on his feet and before Ryan realizes it Gavin's wrapping his arms around Ryan. And without hesitation Ryan grabs him closer, his fists crumpling Gavin's shirt, silent tears of years of repressed guilt salty against his cheeks. 

"From what you've told me, I believe Julia wouldn't have you blaming yourself." Gavin says softly after a while, his arms holding Ryan close and rubbing circles on Ryan's back. "She wanted to help you, she chose to help you. Blaming yourself for whatever happened is natural, I don't think I'd be able to stop myself from the same fate if I was in your shoes. But if you're not living for Julia, who is? For your sake, for Julia’s sake, you can't keep blaming yourself. You got to live, Rye, live here and now."

Ryan doesn’t know what to do, the nearness with Gavin feels like a breath of fresh air and an electric shock at the same time. He feels so much, he feels every single nerve in his body, he feels his soul sing for Gavin, he feels the warmth of Gavin's arms around him. He feels the fabric of Gavin's shirt in his fists, he feels Gavin's breath against his skin. He feels so much, and he's conflicted on what he's supposed to feel.

His mind races, the pain of Julia muffled by everything else. Gavin's words echo inside of him, he knows them to be true and yet this is all he has had for years. If he lets go of her, he doesn't know where he'll end. Will he float away, will he sink deepr until he can't breathe? She's been his anchor, the guilt like a cage around him. Without it, all he's known, all that's led him to this point is gone. 

He feels Gavin talk but cannot hear the words. He's floating in his terror, wanting nothing more than to keep on to the guilt, to the anger and yet he knows it's too late. Gavin's here and now and the terror of losing him mixes with the pain of losing her and he's suffocating in the tidal wave inside him. 

He can't do this. He knows he can't keep holding on to Julia anymore, he knows that it's too late to go back to that now. He knows that it's for the best, the rational side of him knows all of this, and yet he's shaking with terror of doing just that. 

He knows that his feelings for Gavin are too powerful, too big to hide anymore. He knows that Gavin knows and have been slowly chipping away at his walls, he knows that they both know. He knows he should just take the step and face them like an adult. His heart beats like a train barreling towards him, his mind races with what-ifs, with the pain of loss, the guilt of lost time, the desperate need and the violent love within him, the inconsolable and irreversible path that led him to here. 

Ryan moves away from Gavin, the loss of warmth almost painful but he needs to move. He sees, he feels Gavin look at him and comprehends that he's saying something, but he cannot hear it. His heart drowns him out, suffocates him with its beat as his mind is torn into two. 

He needs Gavin. He wants Gavin. 

He cannot let himself have Gavin. 

Gavin's hands cup his face, his eyes calm and deep as Ryan locks eyes with him. He's so close, his face so soft, so near and Ryan places his hands on top of Gavin's.

"Breathe." Gavin mouths, no voice reaching Ryan's ears. It takes a few moments, a few tries before Ryan manages a shaky breath. Gavin smiles, nods and encourages Ryan to breathe with him. 

They stay like this for a while, Ryan's mind and heart relaxing with every breath and finally he begins to hear things around him. His eyes never leave Gavin's, his hands never leave his. 

When Ryan's finally back down, he doesn't move. Gavin keeps holding his face and his eyes sparkle as Ryan almost imperceptibly leans into his touch. They're so close that Ryan can count all the flecks of darker shades in Gavin's eyes. Gavin's thumb moves softly, brushing against his cheek in a calm rhythm. Gavin opens his mouth as if to say something, then closes it before anything comes out. He looks torn. 

Time stands still.

In a split second Ryan feels Gavin's lips crash against his . Ryan's taken by surprise, his eyes wide as Gavin's so close to him, his brow furrowed and his hands carefully grasping his shirt. Ryan's mind is empty, all he can think about is Gavin and how close he is to him, his lips against him and the temptation- 

Gavin's eyes flutter as Ryan kisses him back. Ryan's hands are on Gavin's waist pulling him closer, closer still. There's a need that burns in his bones, rattles him like electricity as he presses harder against Gavin's lips, his sweet yet masculine taste, his tongue against his, his lip between his teeth. 

His heart sings, his blood rushes in his ears, he feels like he's about to burst if he can't get closer still to Gavin. Those feelings are seemingly mirrored in Gavin as Gavin's body presses against his with a strength that almost topples Ryan. Ryan's beard scratches against Gavin's face, Gavin's fingers intertwining in his hair pulling him closer. Their lips press against each others, their teeth and noses bumping into each other as they're both too far into the moment to care. 

The need for air consumes them and as they break apart Ryan's eyes flutter open once more to look into Gavin's eyes. Gavin's pupils are dilated, his eyes almost black with lust as they look at each other.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Dun dun dun! 
> 
> *I'm sorry!*


	13. Chapter Thirteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Tuesday! ❤ 
> 
> It took me 12 chapters and we're finally here. This chapter is nothing more than shameless smut, so enjoy. 
> 
> A few new tags this week, it's all about the smut. Hopefully this week everything will go alright with the posting, it seemed like there were issues with last weeks chapter. So if you've not seen chapter 12 it's right here, so check that out before reading this if you've not already done that. 
> 
> As always, kudos and comments make me so happy. I love you all ❤

Ryan's lips crash against Gavin's swallowing Gavin's moan. The need that burns inside him is suffocating and he can’t get close enough to Gavin to soothe the hunger that consumes him. Months of waiting, of torturing himself had built a dam inside of him and with one kiss he feels that energy spill out. Gavin's hips grind against Ryan's making it difficult to think about anything else and the straining hardness in his pants throbs almost painfully with the pent-up frustration that surges through him. Gavin's hands are still in Ryan's hair pulling him against him, closer to the bed but Ryan knows they’ll never make it. If he isn’t buried in Gavin within seconds he feels like he’s going to shatter. 

Ryan moves his feet, a move that he imagined thousands of times when he was alone and flips them around. With a couple of steps, he feels them slam against the wooden wall by the door to the cabin. He feels the air escape Gavin as he presses him against the wall as Gavin arches into the wall, his gasp mixing with Ryan’s growl as he lets his hands slide under Gavin’s shirt to feel his skin against his. Gavin shudders under his touch and whines, throwing his head back as Ryan’s rough hands trail fire across his skin.

Gavin moans as Ryan moves his attention to Gavin's neck, immediately finding what he's looking for. The hunger inside Ryan is so large he shudders as he kisses Gavin’s skin, the already glistening skin tasting salty and so right. Gavin's head lulls to the side to give him more room as Ryan’s teeth scrape against the tender skin on Gavin's neck, his moan turning into a groan as Ryan bites down, quickly pressing a kiss against the spot to soothe his mark.

"Last chance to back down." Ryan growls against Gavin's throat pressing a wet kiss just under his ear. Ryan needs to make sure he’s on board, although he’s sure that if Gavin backed down he’d die. There’s no going back for him, the hunger and need within him so all-encompassing he’s sure he’s nothing more at this point. Gavin shudders and he feels his arms sneak tighter around him.

"Just fuck me already." Gavin moans, his voice breathy with need and Ryan’s cock twitches at the same burning need inside him he hears mirrored in Gavin.

Ryan doesn't need anything more as he kisses Gavin. Gavin tastes sweeter than life itself as his tongue presses against Ryan's. Their teeth knocking together and their noses mush against each other in their frantic need to get as close as they can. Gavin’s tongue swirls around Ryan’s as he grabs hold of Gavin, lifting him up in his arms. Gavin's quick to wrap his legs around Ryan's waist but Ryan doesn’t let go of his tight grip on Gavin’s ass.

With their hips now at the same level Gavin's quick to start pressing himself against Ryan, his arms balancing on Ryan's shoulders, his fingers tugging impatiently at Ryan's hair. Ryan growls at a particularly strong tug and presses Gavin tighter against the wall, his own fingers digging into Gavin's hips and sides. Gavin's moan is loud and needy, his breath heavy as he breaks the kiss to tug at Ryan's shirt.

Ryan helps him, tossing the shirt behind him and continues to remove Gavin's shirt. As soon as the shirt is off him Gavin's hands are on him, tracing and roaming over Ryan's chest, his eyes filled with wonder and lust. Ryan's rutting against Gavin and the gasp followed by a deep rumbling moan is the sweetest sound Ryan's ever heard.

With considerably more trouble but even more enthusiasm, both their pants drop to the floor. There's a frantic, almost feral need in Ryan now as he picks Gavin back up, and as Gavin's legs immediately snap to his waist he knows he's not alone.

Ryan's hands dips to Gavin's ass, but Gavin's holding onto him so tightly he doesn't shift an inch. Gavin's breath is hot against his neck as he peppers kisses and bites, making Ryan all the more impatient and the sounds coming out of his mouth are definitely feral.

Ryan spits into his own hand, too far gone to care about lube and judging by the way Gavin twitches and shudders at the sight Ryan guesses he's not the only one. Ryan slicks two fingers with his spit and they slip easily into Gavin. Gavin's back arches as Ryan's fingers push into him and his head slams against the wall, his cock pressing against Ryan's in between them. Ryan jerks his hips against Gavin as his fingers continue to stretch Gavin, a sweet but insufficient friction between them.

Gavin's breath is heavy and hot, his back arched and his hands grabbing onto Ryan's neck as Ryan's third digit slips into Gavin. Ryan's mouth roams Gavin's chest, marking him with soft bites and kisses. Ryan’s sure Gavin’s fingers are leaving marks on him and the thought makes his body roar with need, his fingers pumping and curling inside Gavin with a renewed vigor. 

"Ryan." Gavin moans, his hand moving down and grabbing Ryan's wrist. Ryan fingers slip out of Gavin, his spit lubricating his straining cock as he lines up and with one, impatient and needy thrust he sinks into Gavin.

Their moans mix as Gavin arches into him, his hips sinking down into Ryan's. Ryan captures Gavin's lip between his teeth, his fingers almost certainly leaving their marks on Gavin's ass as finally, too soon Ryan's fully buried in Gavin.

There's no time, no want, no desire to be slow for either of them. There's only lust and need and months of tension coiled inside them. Ryan's first thrust earns the most feral growl from Gavin, and he picks up the pace.

"Oh shit, Ryan, Christ, don't stop!" Gavin's mouth hangs open, his eyes closed in pleasure. Ryan's mouth crashes against Gavin to taste him as he pounds into him. Gavin's arms and hands are holding onto Ryan as if he's afraid to float away without them. Ryan’s thankful for his tight grip, the sweet wetness and warmth inside Gavin is driving him insane. It’s better than he could’ve ever imagined, Gavin’s sounds and touch imbedding themselves into Ryan’s mind. 

Ryan shifts his feet, dropping Gavin barely an inch. Gavin tightens his grip, his fingers bruising at this point as cries out Ryan's name as the angle changes, his moans and groans mixing into the sweetest language Ryan's ever heard. As he continues to bury himself deeper with every thrust into Gavin's warmth he feels the coil inside him tighter than ever but this time he knows the tension is about to burst.

Ryan's hand reaches between them, he grabs Gavin's cock in his hand and Gavin leans down to bite down on Ryan's shoulder. Ryan growls as the pain laced pleasure runs through him like fire. Ryan's growl rumbles through both of them, mixing with Gavin's moan as he licks the mark he left on Ryan's shoulder.

Both their movements start to become erratic, frantic and desperate as they both chaise their release. Gavin's seems to struggle to choose between if he should be bucking up into Ryan's hand or grind down on Ryan's cock stretching him and filling him. Ryan presses his lips against Gavin’s neck as he thumbs the end of Gavin's cock and feels Gavin unravel in his arms with an unadulterated cry of pleasure that rumbles through him so loudly Ryan’s sure it echoes down the mountain.

Ryan doesn't stop pounding into Gavin, his hand still pumping Gavin further over the edge for a few seconds before the combination of the sinful sounds from Gavin, his own imminent release and the feeling of Gavin pulsating around him overtakes him and he tumbles over the edge with a grunt. He feels his cum splatter inside Gavin as his release takes his sight and hearing into that sweet white space, where everything feels divine and just right. Time seems to slow down as Ryan floats in his pleasure, his knees buckling, and they go both tumbling down. 

The floor is deliciously cold against Ryan's back as he starts to come back to his body. Gavin's breath is heavy beside him, his body warm and sweaty as he’s laying on top of Ryan's arm that's started to fall asleep. As Gavin notices Ryan's awake he lifts himself to look at Ryan.

"Fuck me." Gavin laughs, his skin sweaty and glistening. The smile on his face is one of the genuine ones and fills Ryan with joy. Gavin’s eyes sparkle with contentment and Ryan reaches over to brush a strand of hair off Gavin’s forehead. 

"Already did." Ryan replies with a chuckle.

Gavin hits him playfully on his side and their laughs mix in the now quiet cabin. It's easier now, somehow the chaos inside Ryan seems quieter. He's still filled with dread, but it's too late now. Maybe he was right, maybe he could just indulge himself for this mission. What happens in Vegas and all that.

Gavin's heat next to him feels so right, the lightness of a good fuck still lingering in his body and mind. Ryan wants nothing more than to stay here, in this moment and in this cabin for the rest of his life. Gavin’s body feels so right, as if it was made to be here with him, and Ryan’s mind swirls with his pleasure and the possibility of something more. 

"Hey Rye?" Gavin says after a while. Ryan grunts a soft reply that he's still here. "I know you overthink things. But don't twist this."

"What do you mean?"

"Don't overthink it. Let this be what this is."

"What's that?"

"One of the best shags of my life." Gavin laughs. "And as soon as I get myself cleaned and you're ready to go I want you to take me again. And again. And again."

"That so?" Ryan mumbles rising up on his forearms. He sees lust flood Gavin's eyes as his words hit home. "Well you better hurry."

Gavin squeals as Ryan reaches for him and Ryan chuckles as he watches Gavin scramble up and rush into the bathroom. His eyes linger on the red marks on Gavin's ass, the way his ass curves and the muscles in his back move and lust pools deep in him. He’s sure he could fuck Gavin day in, day out and that same lust would never be satiated. 

Ryan waits a moment, relishing in the feeling before he reaches over and grabs the first cloth he can find and cleans himself off. His cock is already half hard again. It twitches as he hears the water from the bathroom shut off and he gets up from the floor.

Gavin's quick to latch onto Ryan again as he emerges from the bathroom. His arms wrap around him as Ryan leans in to kiss him. The kiss is more tender, although the same burning need is still present.

"God I've been dreaming about this for ages." Gavin whispers, his breath warm against Ryan's neck. Ryan’s hands wrap around Gavin’s back. Gavin’s so right in his arms, he feels whole for the first time in years as he holds Gavin close, their breaths blending together and even though Ryan’s never drank so much that he was intoxicated, he’s sure this is what it would feel like.

"You have?" He murmurs as Gavin’s lips wander across his neck, trailing fire and lust in their wake. 

Gavin grinds his hips against Ryan, pressing their cocks against each other. The friction is so sweet, so intense after the first round that it takes Ryan by surprise and his breath stutters.

"Fuck yes." Gavin moans in his arms. His voice is lower than ever, the lust inside him making his voice breathy and he’s hoarse after screaming out what Ryan hopes will be his first orgasm tonight. "I thought you'd never notice me. I've dreamt of you taking me in the office, against the windows, marking me as yours, flaunting me to the entire world. I've dreamt about you disciplining me for teasing you, fucking me until I can't remember my own name, only you and your touch."

Ryan groans, harder with every word spilling out of Gavin's mouth, his hands grasping Gavin's already tender ass and his lips brushing against Gavin's. Gavin surges forward, kissing him with a deep-rooted hunger and a desperation that electrifies Ryan's soul.

"You have?" Ryan murmurs between kisses, his voice low and he feels the electricity run through Gavin's body at the sound of his voice.

Gavin just smirks as he continues to seek out the friction and grinding against him, making Ryan growl with a new wave of impatience rising inside him. Ryan walks them back over to the bed as Gavin tangles his fingers in Ryan's hair, pressing kisses on his neck.

Ryan reaches the edge of the bed and Gavin goes tumbling down. Ryan follows closely, his fingers tracing the edges of muscles that move under him as Gavin reaches up and pulls Ryan closer. Gavin's kisses are sloppy, eager and curious, and he traces them down Ryan's neck while his fingers tangle in Ryan's hair.

Ryan's sure he's never heard any sounds more divine that the excited and breathless gasps that escape Gavin's lips as Ryan pushes his legs wide. Ryan can clearly see how excited Gavin is.

Ryan drinks Gavin's naked form greedily, like his life depended on it. His fingers trace the tender skin of Gavin's inner thighs as Gavin shifts, desperate for Ryan's touch. Gavin’s cock is already hard, resting against his stomach and Ryan sees how he twitches ever time his fingers hover even remotely close to it. 

Gavin shudders under Ryan's gaze and his eyes are half lidded with lust as he looks up at Ryan. The soft breathy exhale carrying his name is so breathtaking Ryan's sure that's the only way he wants to hear his name spoken. It's spoken as if to verify this is real life, that this is happening, that there is no turning back now. They're both too far gone.

"On your knees." Ryan growls, remembering Gavin's words from before, words he's sure will stay with him forever. He needs to find restraint, he needs to make this last, make it as good as it can be, but he feels his patience falter at the sight of Gavin's naked and eager form in front of him. He makes note of the way Gavin's clear arousal at his words and tone. Gavin’s eagerness and clearly visible lust is only heightening Ryan's own building anticipation.

Gavin's quick, he's on his knees with his ass up for the entire world to see within a blink of the eye. Ryan traces Gavin's cheeks with his palm, his eyes lingering on the still pink marks of Ryan’s tight grip, before slapping his right cheek. As his hand collides with Gavin, he hears Gavin choke back a groan and watches him sink his shoulders lower into the mattress. That's a thing, Ryan muses and makes a note of it as Gavin's noises makes his cock twitch.

"You've been teasing me." Ryan says, his voice more a statement than a question. His voice low as his hand collides with Gavin's other cheek. Gavin's panting into the mattress now, his cock straining and leaking precum on the sheets. It's the most gorgeous sight Ryan's ever seen.

"I have." Gavin moans, his voice muffled but still dripping with lust. "I've wanted you since day one, to be filled by you, to be stretched wide by you, to be marked by you."

Ryan twitches as Gavin talks. Ryan moans as Gavin leans against his hand eager for more, desperate for him. He's been dreaming of this for so long, trying to visualize this in his mind but nothing compares for the real deal, for Gavin writhing under him begging him to discipline him like this for teasing him for months. 

"You have?" Ryan asks, letting his thumb press against Gavin's hole, teasing him and he can see Gavin's moan vibrate through his body. "Beg for it, and I'll think about it."

Gavin wastes no time, his need and desperation making his legs shake.

"Please Ryan!" Gavin’s voice is desperate, and he stumbles over his words in his rush. "Please take me, fuck me until I can't walk or talk, make me forget my own name!"

Ryan listens to Gavin's pleas as he walks over to the bedside table and grabs the small bottle of lube and a condom with him. He feels a bit sorry about not doing this right the first time, for not taking the time to grab the lube. Not that Gavin seemed to mind. Gavin's voice is breathy as his eyes follow Ryan as he walks back over to stand behind him. He coats Gavin entrance with the lube, taking his time this time as the edge of his hunger has been filed away with his first release and presses one finger in.

Gavin's moans are loud and unashamed as he sinks lower and presses himself against Ryan. Ryan's in no hurry, Gavin's almost ready for him again as he grabs hold of Gavin's hips and holds him in place as he slowly fingers him.

"Maybe I'll tease you back." Ryan says curling his finger leaning over him, pressing his body against Gavin's as he whispers in his ear. "Maybe I'll bring you to the edge again and again but never let you come."

"Please Ryan!" Gavin quivers as Ryan enters another finger. "I'll be good! Please, please Ryan I need this!"

Ryan removes his fingers, watching Gavin shudder and gasp at the emptiness. Ryan grabs his cock, rolls the condom on and lubes himself before grabbing on to Gavin and pulling him roughly to the edge of the bed. Gavin opens his mouth to say something but before he can Ryan presses his tip against Gavin and with one slow and smooth thrust he's buried in Gavin's warmth again.

Gavin's gasping underneath him, his hands grasping at the sheets as Ryan pulls out. One of Ryan's hands reach forwards to press against Gavin's shoulders, making sure he’s flush against the mattress as the other hand still holds on to his hips. Gavin's moans are loud, his face flushed and with every thrust the tip of Gavin’s cock brushes against the mattress driving him insane.

Gavin's tight around Ryan, so good and warm as he pounds into him. He angles Gavin's hips and knows he found the right angle by the cry of sheer ecstasy that bursts out of Gavin. His eyes wander over the way the muscles in Gavin’s back move with his thrusts, how his ass ripples as Ryan slams his hips against him. Gavin’s skin glistens, his arms are taut as he holds on to the bed and Ryan’s breath hikes at the sight that’s so much more vivid than anything he could’ve imagine. 

As Ryan's name mixes in with Gavin’s moans and gasps Ryan leans forward to grab a hold of Gavin's hair, careful to grasp his hair at the root to not hurt him. He tilts Gavin's head back, thrusting hard and fast. Gavin's moans are louder now, his hand reaching back to grab his cock, but Ryan releases his hips to grab a hold of Gavin's hands and holding them together on the small of his back.

"Did I tell you to touch yourself?" Ryan growls close to Gavin's ear and feels him moan and tighten around Ryan’s cock. "Did I?"

"No!" Gavin gasps as Ryan's thrusts against his prostate make him quiver with pleasure. His cock brushes against the mattress, and he's so close to coming. His voice is desperate as he cries out. "Please!"

"I'll tell you when to come." Ryan states, still holding on to Gavin and thrusting into him like there's no tomorrow. The rebuilding release inside of him is undeniable as the sounds that pour out between Gavin’s panting only heighten his arousal. Gavin glistens in the soft light and like this, pressed against the mattress and deep in his own pleasure filling the cabin with his sounds, Ryan's sure Gavin's otherworldly.

Ryan lets go of Gavin's arms as he senses how close both of them are. Gavin's hands flop to his sides, too deep in his own pleasure to notice. It doesn't take much before Gavin shatters beneath him, coming as he shouts Ryan’s name, splattering his cum all over the edge of the bed and collapsing as his legs buckle. Feeling Gavin pulsate around him makes quick work of Ryan and as his eyes roll back at the onslaught of pleasure, he topples over the edge within moments of Gavin.

Gavin's still laying on the bed with a stupid smile on his face, his eyes closed and his breath even. Ryan’s heart swells at the sight of him, all signs of worry washed off in the waves of pleasure. Ryan runs his hand on Gavin's back, ensuring that he's not laying on his limbs and softly massages Gavin's shoulders. Gavin mumbles something too soft for him to hear but he purrs as Ryan kneads the knots in his back.

"You okay?" He asks, dropping a soft kiss on the part of Gavin's cheek he can see and watches him nod softly, still not with it enough to open his eyes. "Come on, it’s really late and we should get clean."

Gavin protests only mildly but stops as Ryan picks him up. He cradles against Ryan's chest, his nose nuzzling his neck as Ryan carries them to the bathroom. He sits Gavin softly down on the toilet before he turns his attention to the shower. As he's sure the waters alright he brings them both under the warm spray.

Gavin all but melts as water runs down him, and he leans against Ryan. Ryan's in no hurry, he runs his hands up and down Gavin's arms and back watching him slowly become more lucid. Ryan’s still not sure if this is reality or if he’s still sleeping. But no matter if he’s asleep or not, he’s sure to catalogue every single inch of Gavin’s skin. Gavin’s fingers are against his chest and he feels his chest swell with adoration for the golden haired man in his arms.

Ryan grabs the soap from the shelf and starts to wash them both. The sud of the soap covers them both as he washes them with firm strokes, stopping once in a while to press a kiss on the tip of Gavin's nose. Every time he does Gavin smiles, and as the final bits of soapy water wash down the drain Gavin seems more and more awake.

Nevertheless, Ryan helps him dry off, makes him drink a glass of water before he lowers him down in the bed. Gavin's hair is still damp, the golden tones more vibrant than before and he grabs Ryan's hand as he tries to move.

"Stay?" Gavin mumbles, and Ryan's happy to oblige. He crawls under the blanket and wraps his arms around Gavin and Gavin snuggles closer as if he's dependent on the warmth.

They stay like this for a while and Ryan's never been happier. Although the burning hunger within him is satiated for now and he doesn’t feel like he’d shatter the moment he leaves Gavin’s presence, the way his heart swells in his chest with happiness is almost painful. Gavin's warm against his skin, both of their limbs still heavy and slow as Ryan draws soft circles on Gavin's arm. The cabin is quiet, only their even breathing filling the quietness.

"Rye?"

"Yes?" He answers, looking down at Gavin looking at him with tired and soft eyes, although still twinkling with curiosity and something else Ryan doesn't want to label.

"That was amazing." Gavin says, his smile content and relaxed in a way that makes Ryan's chest swell.

"Mm." Ryan hums his agreement, looking up at the wooden ceiling as he pulls Gavin closer to him. That it had been. The first needles of doubt and uncertainty starts to seep into his tired bones, all those doubts seeming more amplified now when he had caved in to his needs.

"Hey." Gavin says, tilting Ryan's head back so that he can look him in the eyes. "Don't disappear on me now."

"Sorry." Ryan mumbles, caressing Gavin's cheek with his thumb.

"Didn't I tell you not to overthink this." Gavin says with a laugh before sighing softly. Gavin's fingers draw absentminded patterns on Ryan's chest. "What's wrong?"

"It's nothing." Ryan answers and smiles to soothe Gavin. He sees that Gavin doesn't buy it and sighs. "It's just- I don't know. All of this, I mean it's great and everything I imagined and more and yet-"

He falls silent, frustrated with how words seem to fall short. Gavin looks at him intently, his green eyes searching for something in Ryan's, something Ryan's not sure if he'll find.

"You're scared." Gavin says so matter of factly that Ryan can't even deny it.

"Aren't you?" Ryan whispers, his brow furrowing as he tries to memorize Gavin's face as if it's the last time he'll ever see him. "In our line of work, something like this, whatever this is, how casual it might be, it's an exploit. People die every day in our line of work. And if something would ever happen to you, I don’t-"

"That might be the case-" Gavin replies as Ryan chokes on his words and falls silent. Gavin’s hand reaches up and his fingers brush away the furrow in his brows. "-but what are you going to do? Spend the rest of your life alone and terrified, waiting for the moment death catches up to you? That's bloody miserable Rye. And I don’t know about you, but I can’t ignore this."

"I tried so hard." Ryan admits and smiles as Gavin presses a soft and tender kiss on his lips.

"I know." Gavin says with a smile that borders on a smirk. "Well I hoped that I wasn't reading the situation wrong. Bloody hell ever since the first time I saw you I've wanted to jump your bones."

Ryan laughs. Gavin’s so light beside him, a lightness so different than the shadows inside him. Ryan’s sure that if he relaxed enough he’d float away with Gavin to a place so pure and white he’d stick out like a sore thumb.

"How can you be so cavalier about this?" Ryan asks after a while. ”You know my reputation, you know that I've got enemies."

"You say that like I don't." Gavin says, laying back down in his arms and nestling his head on Ryan's chest. "We all got enemies Rye."

"You don't have enemies like mine." Ryan says softly.

"Don't overthink this." Gavin says stubbornly.

Ryan falls silent. Gavin grabs his hand in his own, as if to test how well they fit together. Gavin's fingers are softer than his own, years of hard work had made his hands hard and strong. Gavin's hands are softer, more made for inside work, for intelligent work. Ryan's mind races as he tries to imagine how those lean and long fingers might be useful and has to stop himself. Maybe later, he thinks and smiles.

"I dig the bad guy vibe like anyone else-" Gavin states softly as they both close their eyes and start to give into the fatigue of a long day, his thumb brushing against Ryan’s, "-but I hadn't pegged you down as the softie as well."

"You complaining?" Ryan chuckles. 

"Never." Gavin says, and Ryan hears the smile in his voice as Gavin presses a kiss on Ryan's hand.


	14. Chapter Fourteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> NOTE! There was a few typos that bothered me to no end so I went back in and corrected those that I saw. Nothing of the actual story was changed!
> 
> Gosh I didn't think I'd make it in time to say this; Happy Tuesday! ❤ 
> 
> Life has been kicking my ass lately and I had a job interview to focus for today but I managed to push the edits I needed to do and get this chapter done by today so you guys wouldn't miss a day. 
> 
> Aw man I can't believe this story hit 100 kudos. Wow, thank you guys so much for liking this silly little thing! ❤ This story has become way more than I planned and that's all thanks to you guys and your amazing dedication to read this week after week. As it's been a challenging week for me writings-wise it has meant a ton to go back and read all your amazing comments. ❤

"So, how are things going?" 

Jack's voice is soft as Ryan looks at her rummaging through her papers on the other side of the screen. The forenoon sun trickles golden light into the cabin and Ryan has to force his eyes to remain on the screen and his mind focused on the check-in and not on Gavin laying on the bed opposite him. 

Ever since that night, ever since Ryan's resolve finally cracked the sensation of Gavin's skin against his never lost it's charm. He slept more soundly than in years, Gavin's weight pressed against him and his steady breathing brushing against Ryan's chest. It was peaceful in a way Ryan didn't even expect. A softness of that sort seems so disconnected from their lives, the blood and the hell they see and dish out every single day. But here, in the remoteness of the cabin and the mission that seems nothing more than a snooze fest, it fits perfectly. 

Not even the early noon check up with Jack falters that serenity that lingers in Ryan's bones. It's as if a roaring void within him has been filled for the first time in his lifetime, a night with Gavin feeling so right and so peaceful. Ryan doesn't want to think about what will happen when they have to leave to join the crew in the city, he's afraid his feelings for Gavin might pose a threat to their safety. He's not worried about himself, no, he's worried about Gavin ending up in the cross hairs of Ryan's own personal demons. He blocks that out, no need to cross that bridge yet and he wants to linger in the light peacefulness within him for a while longer.

Ryan's thankful that he set the computer so that the webcam looked over the fireplace and not the bed. He feels Gavin's eyes on him, those eyes that didn't seem to leave him ever since he pressed Gavin against the wall the night before. Ryan shuffles awkwardly in the chair, trying his best to keep his thoughts straight. There's a persistent need to be close to Gavin that he's more than willing to feed, but for now he needs to concentrate on Jack's brief.

"It's fine. Gavin managed to take a photo of the mystery lady and it's running through all the databases we could even remotely have something worthwhile. Otherwise it's quiet." Ryan says his voice calm and stable, something he's learned to master after all these years. 

"That's good to hear." Jack smiles and seems to find what paper she was looking for. "Michael found a guy by the station that might know something, but they're gonna meet later on. I'll keep you posted on that."

"How about Jeremy's contact by the airport?" Ryan asks and hears Gavin move on the bed. He forces his eyes to remain on the screen, his senses tingling with whatever Gavin might be up to. He seemed to be in a mischievous mood this morning and Ryan can only imagine what he might do. 

"He's got nothing." Jack says with a grimace. "Jeremy's trying his best to find another angle on this thing. Geoff's getting antsy."

"He's always antsy." Ryan replies with a roll of his eyes. 

"This mission has gone so long already." Jack sighs, rubbing her tired face. "We're still no wiser on what's going on there, and the longer I keep you guys there the more dangerous it gets."

"Don't worry about it Jack." Ryan says. "I got this, even if I have to babysit Gavin the entire-"

Ryan's eyes move from the screen to look at Gavin and his sentence falters as he sees Gavin standing on his knees in the bed with his eyes half closed, mouth open and most noticeably, his fingers in his ass. 

"Ryan?" Jack's voice is far away as Ryan's eyes lock with Gavin's. Those green eyes are filled with lust but he sees the mischievous twinkle in them as the sunlight paints golden streaks on his tanned skin. 

Ryan's eyes dip to Gavin's cock, seeping with precum and twitching every time Gavin hits the sweet spot within him. Gavin's free hand moves up his chest, Ryan's eyes never leaving him. He watches the muscles in Gavin's thighs move as he balances on the soft mattress, his eyes roaming the tanned skin and the lean muscles working hard to keep him upright.

"Ryan?" Jack repeats and it takes all of Ryan's willpower to look away. "Is something wrong?"

"Nothing I can't handle." Ryan replies with a small wave of his hand, his voice low. He sees Gavin shudder in the corner of his eye but he remains silent. "Don't worry about it Jack. I'll take care of things here and you'll keep things running there."

"It's a deal." Jack says with a small smile. Ryan forces himself to not think about the growing bulge in his pants. "I'll see you tomorrow then, call me if there's an emergency. And please don't kill Gavin, I know he can be an asshat sometimes."

"No promises." Ryan answers and disconnects the call. 

Gavin moans loudly as soon as Ryan closes the camera and Gavin notices he's done. Ryan wastes no time standing up and as he stalks to the bed he sheds his clothing in his wake. He knows this is all according to Gavin's plan but he doesn't care even as he sees the ghost of a smile linger on Gavin's face as he reaches the bed. 

Ryan climbs on the bed and with one swift move he pushes Gavin down on his back and kisses him hard. Gavin's eager against him, nibbling his lip as Ryan kisses him like there's no tomorrow. 

"You're insatiable." Ryan growls as he pushes Gavin's legs apart and captures Gavin's arms in his own, keeping them locked above Gavin's head. Ryan stops for a moment, admiring the soft shadows of Gavin's muscles as his arms are taut.

Gavin doesn't even bother hiding the truth from him. Gavin raises his head, trying to nib at Ryan's lips but Ryan keeps himself just far enough that it's frustrating. 

"What can I say?" Gavin whispers, his eyelashes drawing long shadows on his cheeks as he rests his head in between Ryan's arms. "I love to drown in your eyes."

"So it's all about my eyes huh?" Ryan whispers, trailing a soft line of kisses on Gavin's jaw. Gavin's skin reacts to his touch, to his breath lingering against it and he shivers. 

"Among other things." Gavin breathes and Ryan smiles as he presses a kiss on Gavin's jaw. 

"Such as?" Ryan asks, continuing to pepper Gavin's skin with kisses, stopping once in a while to nibble at him. He feels Gavin's arms flex in his hands. 

"You're such a tease Rye." Gavin whispers, turning his head to give Ryan more room to mark him. 

"I am." Ryan replies, pushing Gavin's legs slightly further apart earning himself a soft moan from Gavin. Ryan lifts his hips high enough that Gavin's attempt to gain any friction is thwarted. "But I think I've earned it."

He crashes his lips against Gavin's once more, desperate to close any distance between them. Gavin's sweet against him, their tongues moving against the other like in a dance, and as they break for air Ryan's eyes are drawn to Gavin's like they're magnetic. 

Gavin's eyes are filled with lust but also something close to adoration as he looks back up at Ryan, all mischievousness forgotten and placed aside. Ryan looks at him, an odd sense of peace lingering on his frantic nerves, and he wants nothing more than to capture and remember this moment, the look on Gavin's face, that adoration in his eyes. 

Ryan captures Gavin's lips in a kiss that's insistent, desperate and still tender around the edges. Gavin's arms spring free as Ryan's lets go of his wrists, deciding that this time he needs something else. Gavin's hands sneak around him, coiling around him like he's hanging on for dear life.

Ryan's soft moan gets lost in the kiss as Gavin's fingers intertwine themselves in Ryan's hair. He breaks the kiss only to move to kiss his jaw, this throat, his collarbones. Gavin's breath is heavy, the softness of his gasps and moans filling the space as a blanket, cutting them off from the world. 

Ryan's hands trace Gavin's sides as he continues to kiss his way down his chest. Gavin's arms remain on his shoulders, in his hair, his fingers twitching as Ryan twirls his tongue around his nipple. 

Gavin's pleasure is evident and hard against Ryan as he moves slowly down, holding Gavin down and marking his hipbone. 

"Mine." He breathes, his breath heavy on the mark and he sees Gavin shudder. Gavin's legs move, pressing against Ryan and he lets his hands roam Gavin's legs as he makes his way lower. His beard leaving a wake of goose bumps on Gavin's skin as he kisses Gavin's inner thigh, trailing kisses and soft bites all the way as he makes his way up, to where Gavin's arms have tried to guide him all this time. 

His eyes never leave Gavin's as his hand fumbles over the bed until his fingers finally collide with the lube Gavin discarded earlier. Gavin looks so good from this angle, his cock straining and leaking on his stomach, his chest heaving with his breath, his eyes half lidded, his hands intertwined in Ryan's hair. Ryan's own pleasure is overwhelming, his need for this man in his arms feeling so impossibly huge that it makes him ache. How had someone as gorgeous as Gavin fallen into his arms, that's something he'll never understand but having Gavin here is all he cares about. 

Gavin entire body shifts with eagerness as the cap of the tube pops open. Ryan slathers his fingers with the cool lube and carefully, not breaking eye contact he pushes a finger into Gavin's warmth. He sees and feels Gavin's shudder as he curls his finger and brushes against Gavin's prostate. Gavin's mouth falls open, his eyes flutter but he doesn't look away from Ryan. 

Ryan presses a wet kiss against Gavin's hips as he inserts another finger, Gavin's earlier antics making him already partially ready for him. Gavin's moans are breathy, the lean muscles of his thighs twitching as Ryan works him open. 

Ryan's in no hurry, in fact all concept of time leave him as he watches Gavin writhe in his pleasure. The sound of his own heavy breathing mixes with Gavin's soft moans and gasps. He keeps a steady and slow pace as he watches Gavin, almost transfixed. In all of his life he's never seen anyone so perfect, so close to divinity as Gavin is as he floats in his pleasure. It fills Ryan's chest with a weird warmth to know he's the one responsible to reducing Gavin to a puddle of pure emotion and he bites his lip as Gavin cries out his name. Ryan's sure he'd shatter with or without Gavin, the intensity of his emotions roaring inside him as he continues to push Gavin, to tease him with the mind numbing release they both know is just around the corner. 

"Please." The word falls from Gavin's lips, so quiet that it might've been lost but Ryan hears him. He removes his fingers from Gavin, pushing himself off the bed to linger on Gavin as he kisses him. Gavin's arms find him immediately, pulling him closer as Ryan rolls the condom on himself. There's a tremor in the electricity that flows between them, the knowledge of what's about to go down, the stutter of their breaths mixing together. 

Ryan breaks the kiss, but remains close. Gavin's so close, they share their air as Ryan looks deep in Gavin's eyes as he lines up and slowly, without any hurry in the world, pushes himself into Gavin. He sees the pleasure flood Gavin's eyes, the same pleasure rolling over him too. Gavin's breath is short, intense as Ryan sinks deeper and deeper until he's buried in Gavin. Ryan's own mind is hazy with pleasure, the warmth of Gavin around him feeling like a warm summer day, a coffee on a cold day, the touch of divinity. He's shaking with the intensity of it all, overwhelming and at the same time just so right. 

Both of them stay like that, looking at each other, sharing the air and basking in the sensations of being buried and being filled. Ryan swears he's never been as alive as he's right now, feeling Gavin's breath against his skin, feeling him tightening around his cock. Gavin's eyes flicker, the shade of green in his eyes almost completely overtaken by the darkness, by the lust for Ryan. Ryan presses their lips together in a needy kiss, Gavin's arms pulling him closer as he shifts his hips so that both their moans mix together. 

Ryan shifts slowly, drinking Gavin's moans as if they're everything and the only thing he needs to survive in this world. Gavin's gaze on him, the gasps for air and the groans of pleasure, the tight warmth he's thrusting into, the way Gavin wraps his arms and legs around him. It all feels unreal, surreal, like a dream. He's not sure if he's alive anymore, everything around him feeling so heavenly he's sure he's gone insane with pleasure. With every thrust, with every kiss, with every touch his mind and his heart dance with small explosions of something bigger than him. 

There's nothing left of his fears, his nerves, his doubts. They all disappear in the explosions of pleasure, the adoration and the burning need for Gavin. It's all so clear, his eyes roam Gavin's face, his hands memorizing every inch of Gavin's warm and glistening skin. 

Gavin's hand cups Ryan's cheek, his thumb brushing softly against his skin as Gavin sees it, it's all pouring out of Ryan, all the denying, the doubt, the fear. It's all so clear to Gavin. His eyes sparkle looking up at Ryan, the gasp that leaves his mouth has nothing to do with pleasure, it's of surprise, of the same emotion that Ryan knows is mirrored in his own eyes. 

Their kiss is tender, contrasting with the rush, the franticness of their bodies, of the chase for carnal pleasures. Ryan's hand travels down sending visible sparks of pleasure rippling through Gavin until he finally grabs Gavin's cock and with that final puzzle piece it's not long before Gavin's writhing on the edge. There's nothing more here, just the overwhelming sense of contentment, the rush of excitement, and the hunger that reduces Ryan's bones to ashes. Gavin is all that exists in the universe. Ryan runs his thumb against Gavin's tip as he hits his prostate and he sees, feels, hears Gavin shatter in his arms. Ryan hears his name repeated like a prayer in between the gasps for air and it's all it takes for Ryan to stumble over the edge to join Gavin. 

There's a lightness and a peace in Ryan's mind as he flops down next to Gavin and after a while when Gavin regains some of his senses that sense of peace only heightens as Gavin nuzzles against him. 

"What?" Ryan asks, his eyes drawn to the way Gavin's eyes sparkle in the soft afternoon light pouring over them through the curtains. The specks of golden tones shine in the light, Gavin's tanned skin looking so vibrant next to Ryan's own. 

"Rye. I know I said that we shouldn't overthink this. And this isn't me overthinking." Gavin says slowly, the circles he's drawing on his chest making Ryan shiver. There's a sincerity in his voice he's not sure he's heard before, a complete change from the lackadaisical attitude from when he first met him. 

"I want to be with you. Even after we have to return to Los Santos." Gavin says, his face serious, but his eyes curious and vulnerable. "And that's not just my after-an-amazing-shag brain talking."

Ryan freezes, his mind stuttering for a moment. He feels like he should be surprised, outraged even that this happened. But in his heart and in his bones, he feels it to be true. He's known that this was never and would never be just something small. 

Yet that same dread and terror fills him, making him nauseous. Gavin's warm in his arms, his eyes on him watching him struggle. Everything that happened here on this mountain, every second he's been with Gavin, it all feels like it's fate and something he's unconsciously been looking for his entire life. 

An image of Gavin's tanned skin covered in crimson blood flashes in his eyes and chills Ryan to the core. He feels foolish, selfish, stupid for allowing this to happen.

"Rye stay with me." Gavin says harsh enough to catch Ryan's attention. He realizes his free hand has clenched tightly into a fist, and he forces himself to relax. "Why are you so afraid of this?"

"Why aren't you?" 

The question escapes Ryan's lips easier than he thought it would. Gavin tilts his head, looks deep into his eyes and continues to draw shapes onto Ryan's now cooling skin. 

"Why should I?" Gavin finally asks, his voice curious and serious at the same time. He's actually asking, not mocking him and somehow that makes it all the easier for Ryan. He's not even sure why he feared Gavin might mock him, everything he's seen Gavin do and heard him say contradicts that. Gavin's intelligent, curious and hungry for information. He's nothing like the Golden Boy, arrogant and flippant. He's carrying his own mask, his own superimposed identity and Ryan's heart sings at the realization of how similar their facades actually are. 

"Isn't it obvious?"

"No. Tell me." Gavin's fierce tone is matched by the intensity in his gaze. If it wasn't for the seriousness of their discussion Ryan might've laughed at the mismatch of his post sex softness and the intensity in his eyes. Ryan averts his eyes.

"Look at you and then look at me. This thing, what ever this is-" Ryan motions between them with a dry laugh, void of any humor. "-this? It can't end well."

"Look, Rye-"

"You know how this ends." Ryan presses. His voice is tight, like he's trapped under a boulder and he feels like he might be. He can't look at Gavin, afraid of what he'll see in his eyes. "I won't do that to you."

"Who left you in charge?" Gavin asks him. "You act like I don't have a say in this at all."

"You're the light Gavin!" Ryan exhales, his words desperate and still filled with the awe he feels for Gavin. "You're the shiniest thing in this wretched world. Your laugh, your eyes? They light up everything and everyone around you."

"I still don't understand what that's got anything to do with this."

"I can't take another light out of this world. Your lightness can't match the darkness inside me, the demons coming to get me for all the things I've done. That darkness will kill that light and I can't, no I won't do that again."

Ryan's breath is heavy in the quiet cabin, the tick of the clock drowned out by the hammering of his heart. He feels sick, he feels like he should just leave but he's glued to the bed, attached to Gavin's presence like it's the air he needs to breathe. 

"You're an idiot." Gavin says softly after what feels like an eternity. There's no edge in his voice, there's only amusement and something deeper. Ryan turns his head to look at Gavin, still radiant, still divine, his eyes brimming with emotion. "You do know that light shines the brightest in darkness?"

"I-"

"I'm not done." Gavin pokes his chest with his finger, a gesture so domestic and lighthearted it takes Ryan by surprise. Although there's a lightness to Gavin now, his tone is still genuine and sincere. Gavin continues to talk, slowly this time as if to let the words breathe and gather meaning and make Ryan understand. "I'm no stranger to darkness. I have my own darkness, maybe not as dark as yours but I'm sick of dancing around you. I've made my choice. I want you Ryan with every single fiber of my being."

"How can you say that?" Ryan whispers reaching out to touch Gavin's hand that's resting on his chest. Gavin's fingers intertwine with his, his hand feeling light and at the same time so incredibly heavy and valuable it takes Ryan a few seconds to compose himself. "After all I've done?"

"I don't care." Gavin answers silencing him. Ryan looks at those piercing eyes, finding nothing to suggest his words were a lie. "Just answer this; do you want to be with me?"

"Of course." Ryan finds himself answering, realizing that he's known it from the start. "I-"

"Shh." Gavin shushes him with his finger. Ryan can't help but to press a kiss to the underside of Gavin's slender finger earning him an eye roll but also a soft smile. "You want me, I want you. There's nothing simpler really." 

"Simple?" Ryan asks raising his eyebrow. "We work together. If that wasn't enough there's also the fact that we're criminals, both with our baggage and our enemies."

"Successful criminals might I add." Gavin replies with that grin he's grown accustomed to seeing on missions. Somehow that feral grin on his face makes Ryan's insides tingle with excitement. "I'm not saying this'll be easy. I'm saying it's worth it."

The conviction in Gavin's voice matches the intensity in his eyes and Ryan can't argue with him. He knows it to be true. He knows he's too far to ever go back now, he's tasted the closest thing to heaven he'll ever going to get. 

Ryan leans down and presses a soft kiss against Gavin's lips. There's no hurry, there's no overwhelming passion. Gavin hums softly as Ryan grabs Gavin closer and pulls him on top of him. Gavin smiles, molding his body over Ryan's, his hands roaming over Ryan's cheeks and hair. It's tender, it's soft, it's a confirmation. 

Gavin breaks for air, his forehead leaning down and resting against Ryan's. Their noses brush against each other, their breaths intertwining and Ryan's arms embrace Gavin, his hands softly roaming his back. Gavin's eyes twinkle with happiness, his smile is so contagious Ryan can't help but to smile back at him. That same happiness, that same light and airiness is intoxicating, he's not sure if it's his own happiness or Gavin's presence that makes him feel that way but what ever it is he doesn't want it to ever stop. 

Gavin grabs Ryan's face between his own hands and peppers kisses all over him. Ryan can feel the smile on Gavin's face, the softness and tenderness of his kisses making him melt into the bed. His arms still hold Gavin close, the weight of him comforting and warm against his chest. Gavin's fingers intertwine into his beard scratching him gently and Ryan can't help the soft purr that escapes him. 

"You really are just a big softie." Gavin giggles and before he knows it Ryan's flipped them and presses him against the mattress. 

"Oh really?" He growls against Gavin's neck, his growl carrying nothing more than amusement. Ryan presses a kiss against the spot that makes Gavin weak at the knees. Gavin gasps softly, his head lulling to the side to give Ryan more room. 

"Well maybe not only softness." Gavin giggles between the gasps. Ryan chuckles against Gavin's skin but there's no need or hurry to take this further. 

After an eternity of kissing, nibbling and laughing Ryan finally rolls over and Gavin rolls to rest his head against his chest. Ryan's arms pull Gavin closer and he lets out a content sigh as they settle in. Ryan knows there's things to do and worry about but for now he's just happy to stay here with Gavin in his arms, contentment heavy in his bones and happiness light in his mind. 

"Have you noticed that we seem to always be naked when we have these discussions about us?" Gavin asks after a while, his hand almost kneading Ryan's chest, his voice muffled against Ryan's skin. 

"Are you complaining?" Ryan asks, continuing to draw circles on Gavin's back. 

"No!" Gavin giggles, his breath is warm against Ryan's chest. "It's a habit I'd like very much to continue."

"But?" Ryan asks as Gavin's words hang in the air.

"It's kinda symbolic." Gavin says after a while. "Being naked. There's nothing concealed. No facades, no masks."

Ryan doesn't have an answer for him, so he stays silent. He presses a soft kiss on Gavin's head, content and happy in the moment no matter what tomorrow might bring.


	15. Chapter Fifteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy, um Wednesday?
> 
> Shit guys I'm sorry. Life's been kicking my ass hardcore and I had an unexpected visit to the doctors that ate up most of yesterday and I didn't have the time to make the edits that were needed. So here we are, on a Wednesday. We're nearing the end of this second arc. It's been so long guys, I can't really comprehend that I've been writing this story for this long. Next chapter will be the end of the second arc and is a beast of a chapter, currently sitting at 6.5k without edits. The story will continue after that, don't worry about that! There's four arcs so we're almost halfway there. 
> 
> There might be a week long hiatus between chapter 16 and 17 because I've been struggling to find the motivation and the energy to write this story for the past few weeks and I think a short break might allow me to catch back up. I hope that's cool with you. It's not the first time I'm faltering with a story of this size but I'm already almost halfway through arc 3 so I'll finish this story even if it kills me. 
> 
> As always I'm so in love with ever single one of you still reading this story. It's been a long ride and your support makes all this work worthwhile. So thank you! ❤

Ryan's up early the next morning, Gavin's still sprawled on the bed as Ryan steps outside. Sunrise is still a few hours off and the air is light and chilly against his naked form. He doesn't mind, it's not like anyone can see him from this angle, the camera broadcasting the sawmill back to the city doesn't capture the door. Besides, there's a thrilling tingle in his bones about it all. It's rare that he felt safe enough to be naked like this, and the air is heavenly as it breezes around him. He feels like he's on top of the world, both psychically and mentally. There's a delicious tiredness in his bones, a calm that only Gavin seems to be able to give him.

He stays like this for a while, breathing in the light air and trying to figure out why his nerves are crackling even though he knows he should be calm. It's like there's something in the air, he can feel it. Something's looming closer than ever and as hard as he tries to shove that away from his consciousness he can't. A shiver runs through his body and he's sure it's not because of the wind.

Ryan walks back in and puts clothes on before he tracks over to the kitchen to make coffee. The cabin is quiet and Gavin's soft breathing is the only sound besides the coffeemaker. The air around Ryan feels so light like he's floating, a sensation that seems to have taken hold of him during his time with Gavin. As he thinks of him, Ryan takes the moment to admire the way Gavin's lean back moves with his breath as the covers have slipped to expose most of him. His normally unruly hair looks even more unruly, sleep and sex ruffling it for him. Ryan simmers with emotion, not even sure what all of them are. He suspects he might be going crazy after all because it feels like everything around him, everything he knows has been turned upside down with the first time Gavin cried out his name and unraveled in his arms. 

Ryan's heart swells at the softness of the scene, the vulnerability. He knows how big of a deal vulnerability like this is in their line of work. Not only is Gavin fully asleep, he's naked and with his back to the door. He knows Ryan will have his back, and somehow that small realization makes Ryan more emotional than everything that has happened before. The cups in his hands shake with the intensity of his realization and he puts them carefully down, not wanting to make a mess or wake Gavin up if he drops them. 

The coffeemaker behind him chimes and he hears Gavin wake up behind him as he pours two cups. The warm scent of coffee lingers around him and fills the cabin and for a moment it feels so domestic his heart stutters with happiness and also doubt, doubt if he even knows how to do this thing. As he turns around he sees Gavin sitting up in the bed, eyes still heavy with sleep. He's so soft like this, so soft Ryan's sure he'll turn to ashes with a single touch. Like this with his tousled hair and his soft eyes, Gavin's the single most marvelous thing Ryan's ever seen. Gavin yawns and stretches and as Ryan reaches the bed he's already reaching for the warm cup. The scent of the coffee linger around them as Ryan leans back against the headboard and Gavin joins him. 

"W'time is it?" Gavin asks his voice hoarse from sleep and the way he had screamed Ryan's name the night before. 

"Just shy of sunrise." Ryan replies sipping his coffee and pulling Gavin closer to him. Gavin's still warm from sleep and his skin feels like the sun against Ryan's, tingling and stoking the simmering fires within him. "Did you sleep okay?"

"Like a baby." Gavin says with a smile. Ryan can't tear his eyes away from how Gavin's eyes light up with his smile. The sensation that somethings coming lingers within Ryan and he's inexplicably drawn to Gavin for comfort. "You?"

"Better than in a long while." Ryan replies and leans in to kiss Gavin but the other turns away with a giggle.

"Morning breath!"

"What if I don't care?" Ryan says leaning in and pressing a kiss on Gavin's forehead instead.

"Well I do!" Gavin replies with a laugh. The way his voice still struggles to wake up combined with the soft adoration in his eyes makes Ryan's heart stutter. "So no kissing until we've brushed our teeth."

"I'm not an impatient man." Ryan says with his voice taking another tone, a tone from before. "Somethings are better enjoyed slowly, and thoroughly, and without a hurry."

Gavin's eyes darken with excitement, the hand around Ryan's wrist tightening ever so slightly as he proceeds to down his coffee and leap out of the bed. Ryan just laughs at him, not having the same sense of urgency as Gavin seems to have. He knows they have the time, they got the space and he's determined to fuck Gavin until he can't walk or remember his own name. There's a deeply rooted thrill that runs through him as he imagines all the things he could do to Gavin, and as he licks his lips watching Gavin he can see Gavin swallow hard. 

"Come on then love." Gavin whines as he watches Ryan sip his coffee and watch him. Gavin's truly magnificent, his lean form naked as the day he was born as he stands in the cold air of the cabin. Ryan runs his eyes up and down Gavin, making him squirm under his gaze. 

"What's the rush?" Ryan asks innocently setting his cup down on the side table and slowly standing up from the bed. He stalks closer to Gavin whose eyes never leave him as he gets closer and closer until he's pressed against Gavin, their faces close and Gavin's hand softly against Ryan's chest. Ryan's hand dips lower, softly grasping Gavin's already half hard cock in his hand. Gavin's eyes flutter at his touch and there's a hum of pleasure that runs through Ryan to see him melt in his hands. "I'm in no hurry today, and you look gorgeous as you teeter on the edge-"

Gavin's eyes darken, his tongue darting out to lick his lips as his eyes dips to Ryan's lips. He leans in to kiss him, all talk about morning breath forgotten and thrown out the window. Ryan smirks as Gavin's fingers curl against Ryan's t-shirt-

The shrill ringing of Ryan's phone interrupts them. Gavin's fingers grasps tighter against Ryan's shirt, his eyes closed and his brow furrowed at the interruption. Ryan's no better off, the need for Gavin never seeming to dissipate from within him. 

"We're on a mission, we gotta take it." Ryan whispers although it pains him, trying to explain it to himself as much as to Gavin. "But we'll continue this later."

The promise and the sinful edge in Ryan's voice makes Gavin shiver as Ryan moves to grab the phone. Jack's name is imposed the screen just as Ryan had imagined, as it's the only person that might want to reach them at this time.

"Morning." Ryan says answering the phone. Gavin walks closer to him, slipping his hands around Ryan's waist to listen in to the conversation. Ryan's free hand move to embrace him, his fingers painting soft circles into Gavin's back.

"How come I have to call you and not the other way around?" Jack asks and Ryan can hear voices in the room she's in. There's a cacophony of voices and movement behind her and Ryan's stomach drops with the realization that this isn't a check-up call but that something's actually happening. Gavin's form against him tightens, his ears straining to hear Jack's voice.

"What's going on?" He asks looking down at Gavin who seems equally confused about the urgency in Jack's voice. 

"There's movement by the mill." Jack replies and Gavin moves away to pull on the first pair of pants he sees. It's as if there's a switch in Ryan's brain and all thoughts of taking Gavin are pushed aside as he moves to check the outside of the cabin. There's nothing there and the quietness around the cabin only makes Ryan more jumpy. 

"What kind?" Ryan asks moving back inside and to the window to look at the mill as Gavin scrambles to the computer to rewind the footage their cameras captured earlier.

"Vans." Jack replies and Ryan can hear the tiredness in her voice. He ventures a guess at that she's been keeping lookout throughout the night. "Four nondescript vans pulled up to the main building like fifteen minutes ago and a ton of people moved inside." 

"Ryan." Gavin calls his name behind him and Ryan moves to look at the footage. Jack's right, he estimates that around 25 people walk from the vans and into the building. Men, women, children. There's no rime or reason to the people that were moved inside, no clear pattern. Ryan's mind is racing, trying to see the angle. The men ushering the people inside all look heavily armored and he can count at least two weapons per person. This seems organized, not like something a small crew could do without alerting them.

"Do we have any idea what this is?" Ryan asks Jack as Gavin checks to see if he can find anything on the other feeds from the other cameras Ryan planted. 

"None." Jack sighs and Ryan can see the way she'd pinch the bridge of her nose in frustration. "I don't like this at all."

"Me neither." Ryan replies, the true nature of this mission flooding through him. It had been so simple to pretend that this was some sort of vacation with Gavin, a getaway of sorts, and completely forget that they are here to work. "What's the plan?"

"I don't think it's wise to strike yet." Jack sighs. "We have no idea what's waiting for us. Our best bet is to figure out who the mystery hiker is and see if identifying her might tell us anything."

"Gavin's already been running her through databases but there's nothing yet." Ryan says as he watches Gavin flick between the feeds but there's no more sightings of the group that arrived today. "But I agree. I'm not comfortable with going in yet, especially with us not knowing who these people are."

"I'm not either." Jack replies. Ryan can hear Michael state something about explosives in the background. The knowledge that the crew seems to take this seriously fills him partially with relief of them having his back but also worry because if they're taking this seriously it means it's bad out there. "We wait for a little longer. If we can't find anything-"

"We'll cross that bridge when we get to it." Ryan interrupts her before she can begin her worrying. 

"Yeah well you know me, I'm just worried." Jack sighs and Ryan watches Gavin continue searching the videos to see if he can find anything. Ryan can't help but to marvel at how focused he's on his work, and there's a pride in his stomach to see Gavin in his element. If anyone can find anything it's him. As clumsy as Gavin is sometimes out on the streets he tends to forget how good he actually is with all of this technical stuff. Having once dabbled into all things tech Ryan's seriously impressed by the speed and accuracy with which Gavin works. "Are you guys okay? Do you have an inventory on everything there in case you might need it?"

"What?" He asks Jack pulling his focus back to the call. "No inventory yet but I'll do it today."

"I was worried when neither of you seemed to notice the cars." She continues and Ryan's glad she's miles away so she can't see the glance he exchanges with Gavin. 

"Oh that- It's nothing, I was supposed to keep watch but I guess I fell asleep." Ryan lies, keeping his voice calm and normal hoping that Jack's too tired to key on to anything that might shine through his voice.

"You guys holding up there?" She asks and Ryan winces slightly at her worry. "I know you and Gavin get along alright but close quarters can be a bitch."

"It's fine." Ryan says, ignoring the way Michael hollers that Gavin's the bitch somewhere behind Jack. He glares at Gavin who seems to be on the brink of laughter. They've worked it out alright. "We've worked a schedule that works and there's really nothing to worry about. But Jack you should really head out, we're both awake here so we can take over until the next shift."

"I'm fine." Jack says but Ryan can hear the yawn even from here.

"Go home Jack." He says and manages to get her to agree to take a nap. As he hangs up the call he's not sure if she take his advise or power through stubbornly. 

"I guess we got orders." Ryan sighs as he moves away from the computer. He looks back at Gavin and his puppy dog eyes and smiles. "Don't worry, we'll pick this back up later when we don't risk upsetting mom."

Gavin sighs but makes a smaller fuss about it all as they both get to work. Ryan guesses Gavin can feel the something that's looming over them. They've both been in this line of work for too long to ignore it. Gavin's typing furiously on the computer and Ryan moves all of the weaponry they both brought to the bed where he begins to check them and clean what needs cleaning. 

It's quiet work although Gavin hums different songs when he's not doing elaborate things on his computer. Ryan can't help but to smile at the odd sense of domesticity even though one of them is hacking government databases and the other is counting numerous weapons. He guesses that's the closest they'll get to domesticity, their work being what it is and with their pasts and personalities he can't really imagine a picket fence and a dog in the suburbs. But regardless he's committed to the idea of spending his future with Gavin, no matter how short lived it might be. 

"Hey Rye?" Gavin asks after a while, standing up to stretch as his searches continue to hum on the computer. Ryan turns around to look at him, placing the grenades back on the bed as he finished checking them. 

"Yes?"

"I was wondering about us-" Gavin says softly, almost pondering over the words. "-do you think we should tell the guys about this?"

"About us?" Ryan asks picking up a pistol from the bed and checking its sights to distract himself from the way his heart races at the thought of an "us". The idea of him not being alone with his thoughts of a shared future flutters inside him and he feels like he's bursting any second now. But he's unsure on what Gavin's getting at with his questions, because honestly Ryan can't see anything positive with telling the world. Broadcasting this would elicit prying eyes, probing questions and more importable malicious intentions.

"Yeah." Gavin drawls, rubbing his shoulder almost awkwardly. "Because I don't think it would be smart."

"Me neither." Ryan replies, his relief about their shared thoughts evident in his voice and quickly continues. "And it's not because I'm ashamed or something. I just don't think it's smart to broadcast this to just anybody."

"I just don't think it's any of their business." Gavin says looking almost guilty. "I mean not yet. And the enemies part is also smart."

"Michael might be hard to convince that there's nothing going on here." Ryan says. Gavin looks at him, raising his eyebrow. "He's the one that told me that you might be into me."

"He did?" Gavin laughs and returns to his seat. "He's more perceptive than people realize." 

"But I do think we should keep this away from prying eyes." Ryan says after a while of silence. "I don't want to open that door yet. I mean in our line of work it's dangerous to make something like us public. We'll see about the crew later, when it feels natural. Besides I don't really want to share you."'

"Protective." Gavin says with a smile over the screens. "I like that."

"You don't know the half of it." Ryan replies.

\---

"Oh bugger me!" Gavin exclaims loudly from behind the computer. Ryan turns to look at him from where he's taking inventory on what they have in terms of weaponry. He drops the list he's making on the table before walking around and hugging Gavin from behind. Gavin's arms move to hold on to Ryan's arms as Ryan leans his head on Gavin's shoulder. 

"What's wrong?" Ryan asks as he looks at the screens Gavin's been staring at for the majority of the day.

Gavin huffs in his arms and waves his hand at the computer screen. 

"She's not in the Interpol databases." Gavin sighs. "I've checked everything stateside, Interpol, Europol and all the national databases over in Asia. She's a ghost."

"I'm sure you'll figure it out." Ryan replies pressing a soft kiss on Gavin's cheek, no doubting his words even for a second. 

"Yeah, I know what I need to do." Gavin replies, an air of frustration still visible in the way he motions to the screen. "I need to run her photo against drivers licenses but that's going to take forever."

Ryan's arms sneak lower on Gavin's torso, his breath heavy against Gavin's neck as his nose hits the sensitive skin behind Gavin's ear. Gavin's breath hikes, his hands gripping tighter on Ryan's arms before sneaking over to grab Ryan's neck. Ryan chuckles at Gavin's immediate response, Gavin's body still clearly worked up from this mornings rude interruption.

"I guess it would be fine if we stayed." Gavin muses, trying to be nonchalant but his huffed breathing and the soft gasp that escape his lips as Ryan's teeth brush against Gavin's skin betrays him. One of Gavin's hands slip down to the computer and with a few clicks he starts the process of checking drivers licenses. The need within Ryan thrums with excitement of the prospect of time.

"I'm sure I'll think of something to keep you busy with." Ryan whispers near Gavin's ear and grins at the shudder that runs through Gavin's body. "As we were so rudely interrupted this morning."

"I'm sure you will." Gavin replies and Ryan notices the way his legs part if only a little. Ryan's grin widens as he lets one of his arms to move down to brush against the noticeable bulge in Gavin's pants. Gavin gasps as Ryan presses his palm against his cock, the friction still there even through the fabric of his pants, his hips bucking up into Ryan's touch. 

Gavin's head rests against Ryan's shoulder, Gavin's breath so loud in Ryan's ear he can almost feel it run through his body, his arms holding on to Ryan's arm that's holding him on the chair. Ryan's lips presses kisses on Gavin's neck, alternating between nibbling and soothing the marks he's leaving behind him. Gavin's lips are parted and his breathing is interspersed with gasps and moans as he tries to grind his hips against Ryan's hand. 

The computer dings softly and Ryan lifts his head to look at the screen, annoyed by the interruption. He stares at the match that's splayed on the screen and his hand stops. Ryan feels Gavin look up at the screen and then at him with a frown on his face. 

"What is it?" Gavin asks but Ryan continues to stare at the drivers license at the screen. The same woman, although younger is pictured on the license and her name, Alexandra Martin is visible next to the picture. 

"I don't know." Ryan mutters, racking his brain trying to figure out why it all seems so familiar. "That name's just familiar and I can't place it."

Gavin turns, his hands moving to the keyboard and within seconds he's pulling up another search. Ryan moves his hands to rest on Gavin's backrest, the moment being lost and his mind is already miles away. Something about her name seems so familiar, and it's killing him. 

Gavin's fingers are fast and efficient as he searches for anything that might be connected. As his search pulls up one newspaper article they both freeze in shock. The bold headline screams at them from the screen and suddenly it all makes a lot more sense. 

" 'All charges against alleged trafficker Alexandra 'Razor' Martin dropped due to lack of evidence.' " Gavin reads out loud and turns to look at him with wide eyes. "Holy shit Rye."

Gavin turns back to the computer and other articles start to pop up on his screen like an avalanche of information. Articles, search warrants, speculation on where she is all fill the screen and there's a cold shiver that runs through Ryan's body. Traffickers were the last people he hoped to be holding up down the hill and he's not looking forward to resolving this. During his brief brushes with traffickers he knows how easily they're spooked and how quickly a meeting could turn into a massacre with one wrong move.

"What are we going to do?" Gavin asks him. "This is bloody messed up."

"I don't know-" Ryan says stepping away from the computer and running his hands through his hair pacing by the door. "Trafficers are jumpy, it's going to be a mess. We need to call Jack and then figure out a plan of attack because without a good plan it's going to be a massacre-"

Ryan's sentence is cut short as he sees movement in the camera feed yet again. Their operation must be reaching its apex as they're being so glaringly obvious after weeks of silence. Gavin follows his gaze and pulls up the feed to the bigger screen and zooms in. Another van has pulled up to the front of the mill and now that they know what's happening down there Ryan feels a sense of dread fill him as he watches two larger men shuffle young women roughly out of the car. His heart ices over as his eyes land on one of them. 

"Gav, can you get a better picture of her?"

Gavin's already moving, his movements quick and skillful as he freezes the feed and zooms in. 

"It's not much I can do without all of my programs here-" Gavin says as he runs a few tweaks to get a clearer picture but he doesn't have to do more. Ryan can see it clear now, the woman in the picture making the decision for him. That dark flowing hair, although matted and unkempt, that familiar nose and those eyes, those familiar eyes he's looked into so many times in his hallway. 

"That's Gabriella." He whispers backing away from the computer and marching over to where he had laid his weapons during his inventory. The adrenaline in his system feels like home and there's no hesitation as his hands move quickly to gather his weapons.

"Wait, who?" Gavin asks, startled by the sudden change and stands up to look at him. "And where the fuck do you think you're going?"

"Remember Maria, the old lady who showed you to my apartment?" Ryan grits, the click of magazines being loaded into weapons filling the room. "That's her daughter. I need to get her home."

"Let's say that somehow I'm okay with this-" Gavin says moving quickly out from behind the computer and resting his hands on Ryan's as he's checking his rifle. "-You said it yourself. It's a massacre."

"Gavin." Ryan says softly but with no intention on backing down. "I'm going down there. I can't sit around here, waiting for what the dipshits down south have to say about this. Maria might as well be family to me, she took care of me and I can't let her family get hurt."

Gavin looks at him with a frown, his eyes unwavering as he looks into Ryan's trying to figure him out. Ryan's mind is made up, the prospect of danger and adrenaline is surging through his body and although it's sweet as usual, there's an edge of unfamiliar unease around it now. 

"Fine." Gavin says after a while with a huff and squares his shoulders. Ryan watches him pick up a pistol from the table and check it before pushing it into the waist of his jeans.

"Now hold up." Ryan says and stops Gavin's hand as it reaches for grenades. "The fuck do you think you're doing?"

"You honestly believe that I'll let you go alone?" Gavin says bewildered and moves Ryan's hand away to grab a few grenades. 

"You're damn right I do." Ryan answers with an edge to his voice, now stepping in between Gavin and the weapons. 

"You really are out of your mind." Gavin states, trying to shuffle past him but Ryan stands his ground. There's an annoyed edge in Gavin's eyes as he looks up at Ryan.

"Don't start with me Gavin-" Ryan bites back. "I can't have you out there- when's the last time you were in a fight that close range?"

"It's been a while-" Gavin confesses but there's a sharp edge to his voice as he stares him down. Ryan's taken back by the fierceness in Gavin's eyes. "But I won't let you go on a suicide mission alone. You do realize that I can't stand around waiting to see if you make it?"

Ryan stares at him for what seems like an eternity. Gavin's shoulders and jaw is squared and Ryan recognizes that familiar stubbornness in Gavin's eyes. There's no way he could convince him, not now with this little time. He knows he needs back up but he can't breathe as he thinks of Gavin down there, in the middle of the fight. He can't do that, he's petrified of the thought of something happening to Gavin because of a decision he made. 

"God damn it." Ryan mutters pinching the bridge of his nose. "Fine. But I won't have you down there."

"Then where?" There's no humor in Gavin's eyes as he shifts his weight, crossing his hands across his chest. If there wasn't a situation going on right now, Ryan's sure he'd ravish Gavin for looking that good.

"I recall hearing that you're quite the shot." Ryan says and looks at the sniper that's still under the bed after Ryan hauled it up the mountain just in case. There's a terrifying grin that spreads on Gavin's face as he follows Ryan's gaze that sends shivers down Ryan's spine.

"Oh I don't want to brag." Gavin smirks and his posture relaxes a bit since he knows Ryan's not leaving him behind. He giggles at Ryan's raised eyebrow. "Oh what am I saying, of course I do. And yes, I'm good with the sniper."

"Then it's settled." Ryan says, trying not to regret his choice immediately. "You take the sniper up the hill, I'll run down to the mill."

He grabs extra ammunition from the table that was perfectly stacked earlier but now in chaos. The feel of metal against his skin and weighing him down is comforting in a way he's sure a therapist would find troubling. The body armor feels like home as he straps it on over his shirt and he tosses the extra one he brought to Gavin, his eyes lingering on the way Gavin's fingers button up a blue shirt on top of the vest. 

Ryan can't help but to shiver at the sight of Gavin holding the large sniper in his hand, the blackness of the sniper reflected from all the gold on Gavin's body. Ryan shrugs his leather jacket on, watching as there's no trepidation, no hesitation as Gavin checks to see that everything's good with the sniper. Ryan's eyes are drawn to the way Gavin's hips are shifted to hold the weight of the weapon and how Gavin's arms strain to hold it straight. 

He takes a step towards Gavin and ignores the way their body armor brings an extra layer between them, or how the sniper's digging into his hip, as he grabs Gavin's face between his hands and kisses him like there might be no tomorrow. He smiles in the kiss at the truth of this thought although the smile carries little amusement. Gavin kisses him back with a passion that mirrors his own and although he's sweet as always there's bitterness to the kiss. 

"Be careful." Ryan whispers against Gavin's lips, his eyes still closed and his brow still furrowed with worry. Gavin's breath against his lips is heavy in more than one way and he hears him giggle.

"That's my line you ass." 

Ryan chuckles before kissing him again. He has never before been this unwilling to go into a fight, having to fight his body to get it moving towards danger. But he knows Gavin will be alright and as far from the fight as possible. He anchors himself to that thought as he breaks away. 

Gavin's smiling at him, the usual soft private smile turning slowly into a smirk he recognises belongs to the streets of Los Santos. Gavin turns around from him and digs through one of Ryan's discarded bags. 

"I saw this the other day and I think it'll help you down there." Gavin says as he hands Ryan his own mask. 

The black leather of the mask is worn and after all this time it feels heavy in his hand. There's a weight to it that he knows has nothing to do with the actual weight of the mask, but the facade. He doesn't know if he wants it anymore, but at the same time the mask feels like home in a weird way. 

Ryan nods slowly turning to the same bag and pulls out the black facepaint and steps into the bathroom to paint the skin around his eyes as black as the night. There's no need for the entire face so he's quick in his movements. 

"God I love that look." Gavin whispers from the doorway looking at Ryan through the mirror. 

"Focus." Ryan grins at Gavin although he turns his own focus to the mission quickly. "Gimme thirty minutes to get down there, call Jack as soon as I leave and then head for the hills. We should have earpieces so that'll make things easier."

"Got it." Gavin's professionalism returns as he turns around to go find the earpieces. Ryan meets him by the door, takes the earpiece Gavin hands him and stops to look at Gavin. It's weird how his Los Santos getup contrasts with the timber walls and the softness around him and Ryan feels a bit dizzy as two worlds collide in front of him. He knows there's no going back now, the sanctity of the cabin has been spoiled and in moments he'll be whisked back into the busyness of downtown Los Santos.

"Please don't shoot me." Ryan says after a while in a vain attempt to lighten the mood. 

"I'll try my best." Gavin giggles crossing his heart. Ryan smiles and leans in for one last kiss before he leaves. "I'll see you soon Rye."

"Only if I'll see you." Ryan replies and swallows the heaviness inside him as he pulls his mask on. The leather is constricting and warm and at the same time like putting on his favorite sweatpants. There's an ease with which he can block out the distractions as he hears Gavin calling Jack as Ryan steps out the cabin and towards the mill. He just hopes he's not walking to meet his maker.


	16. Chapter Sixteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Tuesday loves!
> 
> This is as I wrote last week, the last chapter of this particular arc and I'll be taking a break for a week or maybe two to recharge my batteries with this story. It's been a long ride with this one and I feel like I'll do better justice to the characters and the story with a bit of rest. I'll be back with the rest of the story don't worry about that! There's still a lot more to this story ❤ 
> 
> This chapter is a beefy boy that maybe should've been split into two but fuck that, let's wrap things up at the cabin! Love you all! ❤ ❤ 
> 
> (I'm so tired I'm passing out so excuse me if there's glaring spelling errors I've missed! ❤)

Ryan's breath is easy as he rests his back against the large pine tree that shadows the mill. He looks at his watch, still a few minutes left. The earpiece in his ear is chattering, overwhelming as the entire crew mobilizes. He knows that it'll take them an hour or more depending on if they're actually taking the cargo bob or if they're driving. 

He doesn't really care. It's not like they'll make it in time with either option and he's not waiting for them to roll around. Call him narcissistic or whatever, Ryan's confident that he'll pull through without them. 

He's painfully aware of the lack of Gavin's voice in his ear. He knows Gavin's setting up on the mountain above him although he cannot see him. He guesses that's the whole point. As much as the thought of Gavin having his back might've scared or amused him a few months back, the knowledge that he's out there and not here soothes him. Besides that, he believes that Gavin will be of use. He had said so himself. 

So he grounds himself, not bothering with rechecking his weapons as he knows they're alright. A bird flies by him, offering him no second look as it continues on its path. Ryan follows it with his gaze as he reaches up and changes the channel on his earpiece to the private channel for him and Gavin.

"Rye?" Gavin's voice is soft although Ryan can hear the edge of excitement and fear. 

"Here." Ryan answers, feeling oddly at ease at the sound of Gavin's voice in his ear. 

"Good." Gavin replies and Ryan can hear the smile in his voice. "I'm set to go."

"Let's keep the chatter to a minimum." Ryan says and peers behind the tree at the mill. Although there's a lot more activity there than previously there's still only about 15 guards in total that he can see. "Vital information only."

"Got it." Gavin replies and Ryan can hear him adjust his scopes through the earpiece. "I can see a few on the roofs. About ten or so on the ground."

"Focus on the roofs." Ryan says and crouches closer to the mill. He's hidden from view by the foliage and his steps are quiet as he nears the closest guard. None of the guards are paying attention, talking and walking all relaxed and confident. Ryan grins at the prospect of teaching them a lesson however short lived it might be. 

"Copy that." Gavin replies. "On your mark."

It's still. Ryan lines up the shot and breathes deep. The scent of the forest around him fills his lungs and he feels the wind tickle the back of his neck. It's exhilarating. Ryan feels the energy and the adrenaline coursing through him as he releases his breath and fires. 

Combat is truly where Ryan feels at home. The moment the shot rings out and the guard crumples he's moving, the branches hitting him as he bolts for cover. The other guards are aware now but that only means it's more fun for Ryan. 

Two quick shots and his cover is secured. The concrete slab is riddled with shots as the guards start to move on him and as soon as he thinks that, the first loud boom echo in the valley. The shooting stop for a second as the guards try to figure out where the shot came from, the crumpled body of a guard falling down from the roof. 

Ryan laughs at their mistake and guns three guards down as they had bolted for cover. Ryan's feet carry him closer to the mill, the main door open and he can hear panicked screaming inside. He knows he has to get inside and in a hurry. 

Gavin's shots echo as beats in a piece of classical music as Ryan dances around from cover to cover, taking out guards as he goes. The next cover is far away, the sounds of gunfire already echoing in his head and he takes a moment to assess the situation. 

Although he's cleared the initial 10 guards by now, he can see that additional guards are pouring out of the mill. He grits his teeth as he realizes he has to move soon, they'll see him if he stays here. He eyes the next possible cover still far away, the possibility of getting hit from the doors is higher than he likes. 

“Down!” Gavin yells in his ear and without a second though Ryan dives for the ground. The air in his lungs escape in a puff as the dirt around him fill his view. 

The loud boom that he’s partially accustomed to by now echoes in the hills and as Ryan flips around to look behind him he sees a large man collapse onto his knees with an expression of surprise, the machete in his hand still aimed at Ryan. The large hole in the middle of his forehead is clean and Ryan rolls away as the man stumbles down next to him.

“Fucking hell Gavin.” He mumbles as he’s back on his feet and rushing for cover.

“I did warn you.” Gavin replies and Ryan can hear and see a body fall off the roof to his left. “There shouldn’t be many left.”

“You see anyone by the door?” Ryan asks as he fires a few rounds at a guard that had turned the corner. His hands are quick as years of experience and muscle memory guide him to another cover, reloading as he ducks under a spray of bullets that fly over his head. 

"You're not seriously thinking of heading inside?" Gavin asks him, the voice in his head so sharp he can feel the frustration radiate all the way down here from his vantage point. "I can't cover you in there."

"You'll just have to trust me." Ryan bites, his bullets hitting the guards by the door square in the chest and their bodies slump over. "Besides I need you to secure my exit."

Gavin curses in his ear as Ryan darts for the door, stepping over pools of blood and heaps of lifeless bodies. The ramp up to the door is covered, not that the remaining guards are even looking for him. Gavin's high velocity bullets coming from seemingly nowhere is cause for retreat to safety for them and Ryan takes full advantage of it and rushes through the door. 

The screams are louder as he enters the building. The darkness of the interior is a familiar shock and years worth of experience pulls his body to cover to let his eyes adjust. 

The mill has seen better days, not only due to the stopped production but also because the crew here clearly were over their heads. Ryan sneaks around ushering the innocent back towards the door, telling them to be quiet and alert. He hands one of the women who looks more pulled together than the rest of them one of his guns and she nods at him as he continues onward.

There's far fewer guards inside than he thought. The ones that are left are trying to herd the crowds of panicked hostages and provide no match against Ryan. The sounds of gunfire dies down as Ryan downs the last few guards. He notices the woman from before, Alexandra Martin, look down at him from the walkway above him and he ducks for cover as she empties a clip at him with a roar. 

Ryan moves around the machinery he's behind to get an angle on her and takes her by surprise as he hits her in the shoulder and in the leg. He watches her tumble down from the walkway with a terrified scream and hit the ground with a thud. 

Ryan walks up to her aiming his gun casually at her as she lies on the ground bleeding and bent in unnatural shapes. Her gun flew far away from her as she fell and Ryan squats down next to her face, watching her look at him and his mask. He lifts his mask up and smirks down at her wide eyes. 

"You?" She splutters in disbelief. Ryan's chest swells as he sees the splutter of blood stain her teeth and lips, a sight so wickedly beautiful every time. 

"Me." Ryan replies, his voice low and menacing combined with the smirk on his face. "So sloppy Alexandra. I wasn't going to make this personal until you did. That's the last mistake you'll make." 

Alexandra screams as Ryan rests his knee against her shoulder, digging the bullet deeper into bone and tissue. Her desperate pleas fall on deaf ears as Ryan watches her struggle on the ground. How he wishes he had the time and the tools but watching her bleed out slowly on the ground is what he'll have to do with. 

The life in her tear filled eyes leave too quickly for Ryan's taste and he stands up and brushes the sawdust off his clothes as he looks around him. Most of the victims have already moved outside but there's banging on a closed door to the back of the mill. 

Ryan approaches the door and opens it cautiously but there's only more victims here. He recognizes them to be the latest group to arrive that they watched on the feeds and he ushers them to the main door. He stops as he notices the woman curled up in one of the corners of the room and he takes a tentative step towards her as the rest of them leave. 

He can see that she's hurt, the gash on her leg long but not deep, not life threatening. He squats next to her.

"Gabriella?" Ryan asks as he places his hand carefully on the woman's shoulder. She flinches only marginally but even that movement made his heart ache. The woman turns to look at him. 

The resemblance is so uncanny that he almost gasps. The woman looks at him with the same kind eyes that he had peered into all those times in the corridor, her nose and her lips younger versions of Maria's. She looks at him with terror in her eyes that melt into confusion as she looks up at him and he realizes that being rescued by a man in a scull mask isn't quite like being rescued by the authorities. 

"How do you know my name?" She asks, her voice weak and tired as she looks around at the carnage he's created. "Who are you?" 

"Let's just say I know your mother." Ryan replies, helping her stand up and he continues to support her as he walks her carefully to where the rest of the victims sit. 

"My mother?" The relief in her voice is all encompassing and Ryan can't help the small smile that forms on his face. "You know, you seem just like her type." 

He helps Gabriella sit down by the front door and a man walks by to hand her a water bottle that she thanks him for. Ryan wants to ask her more about what she meant about her mother but he's interrupted by the nearing sound of a chopper. 

Ryan moves outside and sees Gavin walking around helping people sit down and he stops to look at him. Gavin's put on the mask he's seen so many times, the shiny golden sunglasses and all the golden accessories he could imagine. He also notices the way Gavin's buttoned up his shirt, usually open to reveal more than half of his chest. But now it's buttoned up, casually and easily explained if someone asked him about it but Ryan knew that it's that way to cover up the marks he's left on Gavin's body. A warmth pools in his stomach as he grins. 

Gavin notices him staring and smiles at him before ushering people away from the open area in front of the mill. Gavin looks at him and taps his ear and Ryan realizes with a start that he's not switched over to the common channel.

The noise and the chatter is mind blowing the moment he switches over. Gavin's coordinating a space for Jack to land on as Michael and Jeremy both seem to be upset that they missed the fight. Ryan smiles fondly behind the mask, thankful that it hides his fondness for the crew from the rest of the world. 

The sound of the chopper rises to a familiar roar as Jack emerges from over the treetops and quickly and with practiced ease lowers the chopper to the ground. Ryan moves to greet them and watches Gavin laugh with the lads. Jack is quick on her feet, the helmet in her hands as she walks over to Ryan. 

"Everything okay?" She asks slightly tense as she looks over the crowd of people sitting by the mill. "Oh god there's so many of them."

"All hostiles are dead." Ryan replies and turns to look at the mill. "There's about thirty bodies and forty two victims."

"What's the plan with the victims?" Jack asks shifting her weight. "It's a liability if we let cops in here."

"Well I was thinking that maybe we move these people somewhere else and clean the mill of everything that points to us."

"I've already called the clean-up crew." Jack replies. "They should be here any minute with another cargo bob. That might give us enough capacity to move everybody somewhere else as they clean."

Jack thinks for a second and then calls everybody over and shares the plan with them. Michael and Jeremy both head over to brief the victims as Jack moves to coordinate with the clean-up crew. Ryan doesn't move, his body and mind reeling as the adrenaline and excitement crash in his system. 

"Tired?" Gavin asks softly as he walks up next to him. 

"Very." Ryan replies. They both watch the rest of the crew manage the situation from afar. Ryan's so aware of Gavin's hand right next to his and the urge to grab it is deafening. He doesn't though, instead he crosses his arms as the other chopper lands and Lindsay hops out and directs the rest of the back up crew to head inside. 

"I guess our job is done." Gavin says after a while. "Look at us, humanitarians and saviors."

"We just killed thirty people." Ryan replies with an raised eyebrow but there's a soft amusement in his voice. 

"Thirty bad guys." Gavin corrects him and laughs. "I'd say that's pretty heroic."

Ryan doesn't argue with him and settles to look at the mill and the people walking around it. He knows that in one hour the scene will be bustling with cops and forensics who'll find nothing that could point to them. The back-up crew had done this before, and never before had anything they touched been traced back to the crew. 

Michael and Jeremy both seem to talk to the people they rescued from the mill and the future that awaited them. A few suggestions, a bit of cash and the promise of the crew leaving them alone would soothe most of their testimonies. Yet another tried and true method Ryan was getting used to. 

Having a crew to back him up never looked more tempting than in situations like these. How he wished he could have had all of this years back. 

Gavin shifts beside him as Jack looks up at them and starts to walk up to talk to them. Ryan's in a hurry to get away, to go back up the cabin and remove himself from this place. As much as he wants to stay with Gavin in that cabin away from all the prying eyes he knows this vacation is over. Time to go back to under the neon lights and the dizzying speed of living in Los Santos. The honeymoon, or what ever you might call this had ended the moment he saw Gabriella in those feeds. 

His gaze trails back to her where she sits with the others. She looks happier, a smile on her face and the water bottle is empty in her hand. Ryan's mind is at ease, he knows that he couldn't have left her behind. It was too personal. And yet there's a bitter thought in his head that if he hadn't seen her, he'd be up in the cabin with Gavin being none the wiser. 

"You guys got it?" Ryan asks as Jack finally climbs up the small hill to where he and Gavin stand. 

"Yeah, we got it covered." Jack replies waving his hand motioning to the scene behind her. "I guess you want to head back and pack up? You gonna ride south together?"

"Yeah. It's not like a few hours will kill us after all this time. " Gavin says beside him, his voice nonchalant and calm. "And if Ryan drives I can sneak in a nap on the drive home. But I mean only if you guys don't need us?"

"It's fine." Jack replies. "Besides the quicker I get you guys out of that hut and back downtown the better. You guys do know there's gonna have to be a debriefing about all of this with Geoff, right?"

Gavin groans beside Ryan and he has to suppress his amusement at Gavin's antics. 

"We better get going then." Ryan states looking over the calmness of the scene. "We'll remove any trace of us in the cabin so don't worry about that."

"Thanks." Jack answers and her smile is relieved. "I'll see you down south."

They stay on the earpieces on their hike up the mountain and Ryan's surprised how quickly they get to the top. They're both efficient and they've packed their bags and cleaned the cabin just before Jack informs them that the first call to the authorities has been made. 

Ryan locks behind them as they start their way down to where their cars are parked. There's not much he needs to say, the wear and tear of the day starting to settle on his shoulders and the constant chatter in his ear is reassuring but also numbing. 

Gavin's beside him, his backpack on his back and a duffel in his hand, but his free hand grabs Ryan's as soon as they know that the choppers are too far to see them. Gavin's hand is warm in his and he squeezes back at him as they descend down the mountain and towards civilization. 

They break through the forest to the rest stop and Ryan sees his jeep where he left it carefully parked on the side of the clearing. Behind him he sees an armored car he knows for a fact belongs to Michael and he can see a scratch on the side even from here. 

"Gavin-" Ryan says looking at the scratch. 

"It was dark alright?" Gavin replies as they look at the car. "I'm going to get it fixed before I give it back."

"Good because you're no use to me in bits discarded around Los Santos." 

"Michael wouldn't do that." Gavin replies and even Ryan can hear the sliver of hesitation in his voice. 

"I'll get someone to come get the jeep." Ryan says and throws his bags into the trunk of the armored car before getting in with Gavin. 

Having discarded their earpieces earlier there's only silence as Ryan drives them down to the highway. Gavin said he's going to take a nap but he's on his phone and looking wide awake. 

"Weren't you going to take a nap?" Ryan asks after a while. 

"I didn't really mean that." Gavin laughs and looks at Ryan with eyes that tell him everything. "I mean we were so rudely interrupted before and when we get down south there's a debrief that will suck the life out of us."

"What are you thinking?" Ryan asks with a raised eyebrow, trying to be nonchalant but his cock had already made up its mind. 

"I'm sure you can figure something out." Gavin throws back at him. 

In fact Ryan had already thought of something and he grins at Gavin's words. 

"Stay." Ryan replies and hears Gavin's breath hitch but sees him press against his seat in excitement. Ryan makes sure the roads straight as he undoes Gavin's pants and Gavin lifts his hips to help him move them down to his knees. 

Ryan's hand grasps Gavin's cock and Gavin's moan is breathy. Ryan smirks as he just holds Gavin, in no hurry to start moving as he presses the gas pedal down and overtakes another car. Gavin's hands grasp the dash and the door handle as his hips buck up into Ryan's fist but Ryan's not giving him any friction. 

"Rye-" Gavin gasps his words are cut off by the groan that escapes his lips as Ryan tightens his grip. "Please-"

Ryan chuckles at the desperation in Gavin's words and the way his legs twitch in the corner of his eye. The road is almost empty but Ryan barrels down irregardless of the amount of cars in his way. 

"What Gavin?" Ryan asks casting a glance at Gavin's closed eyes and his open mouth as he moves his hand. Gavin's voice is strained as he throws his head back against the headrest as Ryan's fist reaches to the tip of Gavin's cock and spreads the precum that's leaking. "I'm a bit busy right now."

Ryan releases Gavin's cock slightly before resting his wrist on Gavin's thigh. Gavin's eyes shoot open to look at Ryan but Ryan just looks at the road with a grin on his face. Gavin's hips shift and he moans as he pumps into Ryan's fist, this time giving him the friction he needs. 

Ryan growls a warning as Gavin's hand tries to move from the dash to his cock.

"No hands." 

"Rye-" Gavin gasps, his cock twitching in Ryan's grip and Ryan glances over at Gavin. His cheeks are red and his eyes are lidded with lust. 

"I said no hands." Ryan repeats harsher. Gavin grips the handle and the dash tighter and begins to thrust into Ryan's fist. 

Ryan's cock twitches with the sounds that escape Gavin and fill the car. Gavin's panting already, the angle being a bit off but his hips are feverish and thrusting into Ryan's fist with a furious need. Ryan finds his eyes lingering on the way Gavin's grip is tight on the car, his arms straining to keep himself from touching himself. Ryan's eyes wander over Gavin's parted lips, the way his eyes are closed in concentration and the way his hips snap up and up chasing release. 

"God you look amazing." Ryan growls and Gavin's moan is loud at his words. He presses the pedal down and Gavin shudders at the change of speed and the sense of danger in it all. Ryan squeezes his fist softly and the shuttered groan it earns him makes him groan himself. 

Ryan's attention is now definitely more on Gavin than it's on the road. The way Gavin moves is making him itch, the way his moans mix together to form an endless stream of sounds of pleasure makes him harder than he thought it would. Gavin's abs are partially visible as his shirt had risen and Ryan eyes the way they tighten with every thrust. He knows he'll have to recreate that soon, the way his hips shudder at the exertion and the way his legs are sliding on the floor. 

Ryan grins as Gavin's hips buck like his life depends on it and he knows Gavin's close. Gavin's mouth is agape, his breath is nothing more than a barrage of moans and Ryan flicks his wrist and shifts his grip Gavin cums with a shattered shout of his name. 

Ryan continues to pump him drawing out Gavin's pleasure as he collapses against the seat. As Gavin's moans die down and he knows he's close to overstimulation he releases his grip and grasps a worn rag to clean his hand. 

He smiles at the way Gavin's trying to even his breath and the way Gavin's skin glistens in the sun pouring in from the windows. Gavin's eyes are shut, a stupidly satisfied smile on his face and Ryan chuckles softly, returning his focus on the road. 

It takes Gavin a few minutes to stir, his limbs looking heavy as he opens his eyes and crawls back to sit properly in his seat. 

"Welcome back." Ryan chuckles as Gavin blinks beside him, that stupid smile still on his face. God how he loves that look. 

"Goddamn Rye." Gavin replies with a laugh. Ryan smiles at him and swerves to get around a line of cars. They're still miles outside of the city and as Ryan drives he feels Gavin slowly but surely regain all of his mental faculties. 

"What do we have here?" Gavin asks and Ryan glances over just as Gavin's hand palm his still hard cock through his jeans. 

"Gav." Ryan warns him but Gavin only grins and cups him harder. "Gavin, I need to get us to LS in one piece and if you keep doing that I'm-"

"You're gonna what?" Gavin asks him with a smirk as Ryan's sentence is interrupted by a groan as Gavin's hand grinds against him. Ryan can barely focus on the road now, much less if Gavin- 

"Well I don't want to have all the fun." Gavin smirks and before Ryan knows it Gavin's pulled down his zipper and cold air hits Ryan's cock. Ryan wants to object but Gavin's hand on his cock is so good and he's already worked up from watching Gavin. 

"Gavin I-" is all Ryan manages to say before his sentence is cut off by a groan. Gavin's lips brush against his tip and even that makes him grip the wheel tighter. He can both sense and feel Gavin's smile against his cock as he kisses his way down to his base and licks his way back up. "Fuck. Gavin."

Gavin's lips wrap around Ryan's tip and he lowers himself down, further than Ryan thought he could with his gag reflex. Ryan shudders at the warmth and wetness of Gavin's mouth around him, sucking him down with no shame. The sounds are sinful and Ryan feels every single noise from Gavin linger in his mind, fogging everything inside and outside him with a cloud of pleasure. 

Ryan's hand drifts from the wheel and he grasps Gavin's head in his hand. He tangles his fingers into Gavin's hair and Gavin moans against him as his grip tightens. The vibrations of Gavin's moan shoot up him and he throws his head back reveling in the sensation. 

His hand guides Gavin's head up and down as Gavin seems to enjoy the way Ryan's hand grips him. Ryan's toes curl in his shoes as he thrusts up into Gavin's mouth and Gavin just moans around him. Gavin's hands grips Ryan's thighs with a grip that he knows is going to leave marks and he doesn't care, in fact that realization makes him groan louder. 

Gavin never falters in his rhythm, the rhythm Ryan sets for them and Ryan's too far gone to notice the Gavin's drool dripping down on his jeans. Gavin twirls his tongue against Ryan's tip and Ryan can't take it anymore, he jerks the wheel and squeals to a stop on the curb of the road.

He can feel Gavin's smirk around him but he doesn't care, he pushes his head down and thrusts up with a feverish need to chase that edge he feels he's close to. The coil in his stomach is close to snapping and he pushes his legs against the floor as he throws his head back with a raspy groan. 

The noises that Gavin makes as he thrusts into his mouth with a burning desperation are divine and the way Gavin moans against him as he tugs harder on his hair makes him tumble over the edge and as he falls he can feel Gavin swallowing his load before licking and sucking him clean. 

He looks at Gavin who licks his lips with a smirk that makes his heart flutter as he lifts his head up from his lap. His hand that's still in Gavin's hair pulls him close and their lips collide. Ryan can taste himself but he doesn't care, his tongue pressing against Gavin's. Gavin smiles against his lips, moaning as Ryan nibbles at his lower lip. 

"How did you-?" Ryan whispers against Gavin's lips. Gavin giggles softly, pressing kisses against Ryan's jaw, dipping lower and lower. 

"I've been practicing." Gavin answers and the thought of Gavin practicing for him makes Ryan growl and tilt Gavin's head for another kiss. 

Gavin's elbow smacks against the steering wheel and they both jump at the sound of the car horn. Ryan rests his forehead against Gavin's as they laugh. 

"How can I ever manage with you?" Ryan asks with a smile on his face as he gazes into Gavin's eyes that sparkle with delight. 

"I'd say you're doing alright." Gavin replies and kisses him again. 

"Just alright huh?" Ryan asks raising his eyebrow at Gavin's flustered appearance. Gavin's hair is a mess and his eyes are sparkling with that post orgasm happiness, his lips are red and swollen and he looks thoroughly fucked.

"You fishing for compliments?" Gavin asks with a laugh, his fingers tangling into Ryan's hair and Ryan shudders at the sensation of Gavin's fingers softly massaging his scalp. "I'll bite."

Just as Gavin's about to say something they see blue lights flash in their mirrors. Ryan sees a patrol car approach them and stop behind him and he reaches for the keys before Gavin's hand stops him. 

"As fun as a chase is it's going to take forever." Gavin says and Ryan can see the mischief in his eyes. "Besides this is more fun."

"Why?" 

"I haven't messed with the cops in forever." Gavin all but whines next to him before smirking. "Let's have some fun."

Ryan rolls his eyes but they both know he's not gonna turn down a chance to strike fear into the LSPD. He takes his mask that Gavin hands him and pulls it on as they hear the cop exit his vehicle. Gavin pulls his golden sunglasses on and unbuttons one button on his shirt, making sure the necklace and the watch he pulled on are visible. 

"You should invest in a mask." Ryan tells him as he looks at Gavin's golden jewelry. "Much quicker."

"And far less stylish." Gavin says and Ryan can hear the wink in his voice although his eyes are shaded by his black lenses. All the gold on Gavin glitters in the afternoon sun and Ryan can certainly see the appeal, although he's sure that he could buy a country with the same money that went into buying all of Gavin's golden toys. 

Ryan lowers his window, making sure his weapon is within his reach as Gavin puts on his best douche bag smile. Ryan rolls his eyes before focusing on the officer that stops at their window. 

"License and registration pl-"

The voice stops as he officer looks inside the window. Ryan looks at the officer, a grin forming under his mask. Ryan feels Gavin's energy shift beside him as the realization dawns on him. In the side mirror Ryan sees Gavin smirk and he feels him rest his arms on Ryan's thigh as he leans over to look at the officer. 

"Miles, love!" Gavin coos and Ryan sees the way his teeth glint in the mirror. The smirk on his face is bordering to predatory and the way his hair is still ruffled from Ryan's hand and the way his lips are red and swollen makes Ryan twitch. 

Ryan shifts his eyes from the mirror to the face of a now very flustered officer Luna. His eyes meet with the officer's and Ryan sees him shiver under his gaze. He relishes in the feeling, so familiar after all these years. Fear. 

"Oh um-" The officer swallows hard and Ryan hears Gavin giggle beside him. 

"Cat got your tongue?" Gavin asks innocently. "What's got you so far up north love? You lost?"

"It's awfully desolate out here." Ryan chimes in and watches the color drain from the officers face at his low growl. 

"You're so right." Gavin replies to him and Ryan can practically feel him vibrate with excitement and mischief. "Do you think someone would hear you scream?"

"I'm an officer of the law-" 

"So?" Gavin interrupts him and leans even closer. Ryan can smell Gavin's scent and if it wasn't for the meddling officer beside his window he'd ravage Gavin again here and now. "I mean all that differentiates you from me is your gaudy outfit and a piece of metal."

The officer's gaze flicks between them and Ryan can see that delicious bead of sweat that runs down his face. Ryan doesn't know if it's due to the sun or the overwhelming urge to run that radiates off the officer. 

"And love?" Gavin coos softly, but with an edge that shouldn't get Ryan as excited as he is. The golden gleam of the garish pistol Gavin points at the officer shines in the light pouring in from the windows and Ryan watches the officer take a step back. Gavin's smile gets wider. "I've got a piece of metal too, and yours isn't going to save you. So run home boy, before you'll do something you'll regret."

Gavin's laugh echos in the car and out the window as they watch the officer bolt back to his car. Gavin leans back into his own seat and out of his own window to wave at the officer as he speeds past them. Ryan's chuckle is low as Gavin plops back down into his seat. 

The windows are rolled shut and Ryan pulls off his mask, watching Gavin throw his golden glasses on the dash and their lips collide. Ryan's hand is strong against Gavin's neck as he pulls him closer and Gavin's hands grasp Ryan's shirt. 

Ryan's sure he's never going to get tired of kissing Gavin but a thought nags in the back of his mind. 

"We do need to get back." Ryan replies. Gavin just kisses him again, trying to ignore the fact that they're expected by the rest of the crew. "Seriously Gavin."

"You're no fun." Gavin whines and sits back down in his own seat.

"We'll see if you feel like that later." Ryan replies and chuckles at they way Gavin's breath hitches as Ryan presses the gas pedal to the floor and they floor it towards the looming skyscrapers and the debriefing they know is going to take forever and a day. 

\----

It's late and everything that happened today weighs on Ryan's shoulders as he walks up the creaky stairs to his floor. As much as Gavin's poorly veiled suggestions to go home with him had tempted Ryan, he knew that for tonight he just needed to be alone. Tomorrow might bring him its worst, but for tonight he's going to take a long steamy shower and then crash. 

Having washed up at the base made it easy for him to get here although at times he missed his mask as traffic had been as bad as it usually is. But without his mask and his face paint he's just Ryan. A tired man whose feet drag behind him as he finally steps out into the corridor.

He walks past Maria's door, quiet and quickly to avoid having to see her. As heavy as the mask had been on his head for the day, and how surprisingly difficult it was to take off again, the thought of having to be Ryan the IT guy seemed infinitely worse. 

He stifles his amused chuckle at the paradox of being between two facades. One mask terrifying and unyielding, the other the kind and nonthreatening. He's not sure if he's supposed to laugh or cry at it all. At the same time a warm feeling rises in his chest at the ease with which he could be without those two masks around Gavin. The butterflies in his stomach aren't completely uncomfortable. 

"Ryan?" 

Ryan hears Maria's soft voice behind him, the telltale sounds of her stepping out of her apartment and softly closing the door behind him. Ryan forces his shoulders to relax and takes a deep breath. He could do this. 

"Maria, I'm sorry but I'm very tired-" He says with an apologetic smile as he turns around but stops midsentence at the sight of Maria. 

The usually warm and motherly figure looks tired. Her hair is messy, her posture slumped and the bags under her eyes seem more prominent. It's not this that catches his eye the most, it's the firey rage simmering in her eyes. 

"Did they suffer?"

Ryan opens his mouth but no words fall out of his mouth. He's not sure of anything, he's confused about the entire situation. 

"What are you talking about?" He asks, shifting his weight around nervously as a thought begins to form in his mind. 

"The people that took Gabriella. Did they suffer?" Maria repeats, the anger in her eyes flaming up as she bites out the words as if she's restraining herself. 

Ryan's hand in on his pistol, his stance stiffening as her words hit him and the implication behind them dawns on Ryan. 

"How do you-"

"I am not stupid." Maria says rolling her eyes. "The only stupid people in Los Santos are in shallow graves."

"How long?"

"Since I met you." Maria replies, almost impatiently. "I am not blind, I can sense it. I've lived my entire life in Los Santos. If you're blind, stupid or religiously innocent you cannot make it here."

"And you still talked with me?"

"You cannot scare me." Maria laughs, and although her rage is still simmering inside her there's actual amusement in her eyes. "I've been alive longer than you son, I've seen people like you come and go. I would've ended you myself if I ever felt like you're a threat."

Ryan's eyebrow raise at her words but his hand drops slowly from his pistol. 

"Don't look surprised." Maria continues. "People often underestimate the old, the women, the kind. Truthfully, those are the people you should be afraid off. I protect the people that I care about, and right now I need you to tell me if they suffered for what they did to my daughter."

"Yes." Ryan replies and watches a smile form on Maria's face that sends shivers down his spine. 

"Good." Maria smiles. "That is all I needed to know. But it is late, you're tired and I need to get back to Gabriella. Good night Ryan."

"Good night Maria." Ryan replies and watches Maria retreat back to her apartment. As her door shuts the corridor is dark again and it takes Ryan a few moments to wander back to his own apartment. 


	17. Chapter Seventeen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Tuesday! 
> 
> Whew it's been a while since I've gotten to write that. I hope you guys didn't mind me taking a break but I really needed it. I'm terrible with long fics that require constant work hence the break to recharge by batteries. 
> 
> Let's get the story rolling again. This chapter begins a new arc, the third one to be exact. I've got the arc almost entirely drafted already so don't worry there's not going to be another break in at least two months! Arc four will be the last one of this story so we'll be wrapping up this story this spring. How exciting! 
> 
> As always, your comments have made me so happy. i'm not lying when I say that this story wouldn't have been finished without you! I love you guys, you're the best motivation a gal can ask for! ❤ ❤

The last echo of the shot Ryan took echoes after him as he stands up, brushes the dust off his jacket and packs his sniper into the back of his car. The afternoon sun is bright and the noise would be considered nothing more than a car backfiring somewhere in the hills. No one would miss his target before dawn and by then there would be no trace of him or the crew. 

Ryan can't help his sigh as he climbs into his car and drives away from the scene, the smell of gunpowder heavy in the car as the sun scorches the air around him. The skyscrapers that he oddly missed during his last mission loom over him as he nears the city center, this time taking his time. No use in getting pulled over by the cops with a still warm sniper in his backseat. 

It's been only a few days since they got back but it feels like it's been an eternity. Geoff arrived later that same day, still disheveled from his travels. The Gala he attended had given him a lot to do and think about and it didn't take more than a few hours before he had distributed work for the entire crew. 

It's been a while since Ryan's been so busy. Apparently the work he had missed while he was up in the hills had piled up; interrogations, kidnappings and assassinations filled his metaphorical desk and no matter how much work he put in there seemed to be even more to do with every passing day. 

The rest of the crew found themselves in a similar position. It's been forever he actually talked at length with anyone of them, they always seemed to cross paths at the penthouse. Michael's been running around maintaining their territory with Jeremy, the explosions and car chaises always present on the news. Jack's been managing the day to day, trying to acquire vehicles for Geoff in her downtime. Gavin's been locked in his office for days on end, gathering intel for something big Geoff has his eyes on. 

Geoff himself seems more unhinged as the days pass. Ryan's seen him more than once, just pacing in his office, in the brief room, in the kitchen, always talking to himself, going over some plans that sound insane to Ryan. But he senses it, it hangs in the air like the sun hovering above the city.

Something big's coming. 

Ryan rubs his eyes as he waits for his light to change at the intersection near the base. Work's good, he likes what he does and the work he's been doing these few days have hardly been difficult. It's just the fact that he's seen Gavin for a total of 5 minutes since they entered that debriefing. And when he's seen Gavin it's always been at the penthouse in front of the others so he has had to keep himself in check no matter how much he wants to have his way with Gavin. 

The light changes and Ryan speeds down the street and pulls into the garage. There's only a few of the cars he'd expect to see on a normal day; Michael's and Jeremy's cars are missing from the south side. His heart dances at the sight of Gavin's busted Blista, shaking his head at the sight of it but he can't help the smile that forms on his face. With all the money in the world, Gavin could buy a new one, a safer one, but no. Stubborn as ever, Gavin keeps holding on to that stupid car. 

His smile falters at the sight of Geoff's truck, of Jack's bike in the corner. No alone time today either. He sighs, gets up and decides to head up to let Geoff know he's heading home before returning the sniper to the armory and cleaning it. 

The ride up is slow but Ryan doesn't mind. Now that he knows that Gavin's still here he knows that any chance of a hookup is out the window. He leans against the back wall of the elevator and huffs impatiently, wishing that whatever's coming would come quick so that he'd have a chance to pick things back up from where they left. 

The doors open and Ryan walks over to the brief room, passing Jack sitting on the kitchen island on her phone. He waves her a small greeting that she returns with a smile before continuing her haggling. Ryan's eyes glance over to Gavin's door, that's closed as usual before he knocks on the brief room door. 

"I'm heading home, Fitzpatrick has been taken care of." Ryan announces as he peaks his head in. Geoff's hair is ruffled, his clothes looking like he's not been home in a while. The shadows under his eyes are prominent and Geoff only waves dismissively at Ryan before returning to the massive pile of files on his desk. 

Ryan shrugs, closing the door behind him. He hears Jack end her call and walks back out to the kitchen. He wants to go to Gavin so bad, but he knows he shouldn't disturb his work over something so unimportant in the large scale. 

"What's up with that?" Ryan asks leaning against the counter as Jack sighs and stretches. 

"Asshole tried to double the price on those new choppers we've been looking at." Jack answers casting a glance at Ryan. "Might have to remind him of who we are."

"Not today." Ryan replies with an apologetic smile. "I'm beat and heading home."

"God that sounds good." Jack laughs before falling silent. 

"You know what he's aiming at?" Ryan asks, motioning at the brief room. Jack looks that way with a furrowed brow. 

"Something big." Jack says. "Don't know what or who, but it's big. He's not been like this in years."

"Should I be worried?"

"Nah. We've managed worse." Jack answers him and throws him a smile before hopping down from the island. "Geoff can get a bit intense in situations like these but he'll bounce back. I just need to make sure he sleeps and eats and everything will be alright."

"We don't deserve you." Ryan replies, pushing off the counter and making his way to the elevator, patting Jack's shoulder as he passes her. She laughs at him before returning back to her work. "See you tomorrow."

"See ya." Jack says after him. 

Ryan's silent on his way down, the tiredness settling in his bones as he just wants to get home. Preferably with Gavin but he can't get what he wants all the time. He should be happy about the days they spent in that cabin. The memories of the cabin fill him with a warmth that's so intoxicating he's not even bothering to hide the fond smile on his face. 

He exits the elevator into the garage and picks his sniper up, walking over to the sectioned off armory. The metal is already cold against his skin, the hit already forgotten. His boots are loud against the concrete floor as he doesn't need to watch out for making sounds. 

The door to the armory is partially open, surprising Ryan. He peeks into the room, a smile bursting onto his face as he sees Gavin clean his golden pistol by the workbench with his back turned to the door and headphones on. 

Ryan slips quietly into the room, resting his sniper against the wall as he slowly and quietly walks up to Gavin. He's careful to be silent and unremarkable as he peers over Gavin's shoulder looking at his deft fingers polish the golden surface. 

Ryan stays like this, hovering just far enough for Gavin to miss him. He's clearly lost in his own thoughts, his movements loose and the music in his ears hiding Ryan's presence. Ryan smirks as he shifts so that he's visible over his shoulder and waits for Gavin to see him in the reflection on his gun. 

It's not long before Gavin freezes for a second. His yelp is loud and he drops the pistol on the workbench with a loud clattering, turning around in his chair. His headphones fly over the table to land on the other side. 

"You really need to pay more attention to your surroundings." Ryan says with a grin on his face and laughs as Gavin relaxes and hits him in the chest with a feeble punch. 

"You arsehole, you gave me an honest to god heart attack!" Gavin exclaims. 

"Let me see." Ryan replies and places his hand against the thin fabric of Gavin's shirt, pressing his palm and fingers wide on Gavin's chest, just over his heart. Gavin's eyes are looking up at him, his fingers grabbing Ryan's wrist as they look at each other, getting lost in their eyes. Gavin's lips part and Ryan's eyes flicker to them. His voice is lower, closer as he smiles. "Sounds good to me."

Ryan sees Gavin smile, and his senses are overrun with the scent of Gavin's hair products and his own delicious scent that's kept Ryan company for all these lonely nights. Gavin reaches his hand up to cup Ryan's neck and brings his face down to kiss him. 

Ryan melts against Gavin's lips as he pulls Gavin closer. He can feel Gavin's smile against his lips as he runs his tongue against Gavin's lower lip before plunging deeper. Gavin tastes better than he remembered, so sweet against him. It's only been days since they left the cabin but it feels like it's been an eternity since he had Gavin in his arms. 

"I've missed you." Gavin says as they break for air and Ryan rests his forehead against Gavin's. Gavin's eyes twinkle with delight and Ryan looses himself in them. If it wasn't for the scent of weapons and gunpowder around them, he swears he could imagine them in the cabin all by themselves. 

Gavin's sunglasses are entwined in his carefully ruffled hair and Ryan's forehead bumps against them reminding him of where they are. Gavin's finger are like anchors as they massage his scalp as they just stand in each others arms. 

"I've missed you too." Ryan says after a while and Gavin smiles and presses a kiss against him. Gavin's fingers tug on his hair and he stands up from his chair to mold his body tightly against Ryan's as he tries to get closer. Ryan doesn't mind, in fact he tightens his grip around Gavin's body and presses him against the wall. 

Gavin gasps as his thin shirt does nothing to protect him against the cold metal of the wall. Ryan looms over him, pressing kisses and nuzzling Gavin's neck as he feels Gavin twitch under his touch. Gavin's breath is heavy and warm against his neck and Ryan swears softly as he feels Gavin's teeth sink into the fleshy part of his shoulder, just hard enough to sting but not enough to break the skin. Gavin's fingers are tugging his hair and sending waves of pleasure rushing through Ryan's entire body.

"Ryan." Gavin whimpers his name as Ryan grasps Gavin's arms and pins them high up. 

"I want to take you so bad." Ryan whispers in Gavin's ear and grins at the moan that pours out of Gavin. He shifts his weight and leans in against Gavin, placing his thigh between Gavin's legs. He can feel the hunger that's pulsing through Gavin's body, mirroring so well his own pent up need. "I could take you hear, make you scream and beg so loud the others would hear it all." 

"Please-" Gavin moans, his hips bucking against Ryan's thigh, his breath heavy in his chest. 

"You'd like that huh?" Ryan continues, biting down on Gavin's neck earning him a hiss. "To have them see you come unraveled under my hands."

"Ryan-" Gavin moans as Ryan keeps him steady against the wall. "Ryan please, I need-"

"I can imagine it." Ryan continues slowly, paying Gavin's writhing and begging no mind. "Begging me to let you come, crying out my name as I fuck you so good you can't walk for days. Shuddering and shaking as I pin you down, thrusting over and over-" Ryan emphasizes his point by grinding himself against Gavin's already hard cock "-and over again."

Gavin's whimpering in his desperate need as Ryan pulls away slightly. Gavin's eyes open, his brow furrowed at the sudden loss of contact. Ryan tightens his grip against Gavin's arms, still close enough to keep him against the wall. 

"You know Geoff will kill me if he hears us." Ryan whispers, pressing a soft kiss on Gavin's jaw. 

"I'll be quiet, please Ryan, I promise I'll be quiet." Gavin hurries to assure him and Ryan loves the way he almost trips over the words in his rush. 

"We both know you're not quiet." Ryan chuckles. "Besides there's no fun if I can't make you scream my name."

"Rye please." Gavin groans in frustration. "It's been so long I don't care if you take me in the car or in the street, but my god I need you to do something."

Ryan chuckles, his breath heavy against Gavin's neck as he presses a soft kiss behind his ear. 

"So eager." Ryan muses but takes pity in both of them. "Come on then, I got a place in mind."

Gavin slumps against the wall for a brief moment as Ryan releases him but as Ryan's words register in his mind he's quick on his feet, not bothering to clean up after himself, just pocketing his phone and his pistol. Ryan laughs at Gavin's hurry, but he feels that same hunger too. That urge to taste him again, to make him cry out his name. 

Gavin's bouncing impatiently in the passenger seat as Ryan drives out of the garage. He places his hand on Gavin's thigh, close enough to his cock to make Gavin press his back against the backrest but far enough to do nothing more than tease. His thumb brushes against the fabric of Gavin's jeans, his grip is tight as he drives them towards the hills instead of south. 

Gavin picks up on this soon, snapping out of his need to look around them. 

"Rye?" He asks as he looks at the high rises around them. "Where are we going?"

"Remember that old lady I lived by whose daughter we saved from the mill?" Ryan asks and he sees Gavin nod curiously in the corner of his eye. "Turns out she knows who I am."

"That's a bit upsetting."

"You don't say. It's not like I doubt she'd kill me in my sleep, but I found it a bit too unsettling to sleep there."

"So where have you been?" Gavin asks, turning his attention to the buildings around him. 

"I've got another place, I bought this one first actually. Never really liked to stay there but it's close to the office and already mine so I thought why not."

As Ryan explains it he slows down and pulls into the private garage he owns in the Eclipse Towers high rise. Gavin's eyes go wide as he realizes where he is. 

Ryan parks by his private elevator and turns the car off. He smiles at Gavin's wonder as they step out. 

"I've never been inside." Gavin explains a bit sheepishly as they enter the elevator. "Just read a lot about how high tech this place is."

"That's true." Ryan replies, wrapping his arm around Gavin's waist and pulling him closer to him. "No cameras, high discretion, private garage and elevator."

"Why did you move?" Gavin asks with confusion lingering on his face. "It sounds perfect for a man walking around with face paint and a mask."

Ryan opens his mouth to explain to Gavin, but as he does the doors open to his private penthouse. The last rays of the sun shine into the apartment through the large windows looking over the city. The apartment is clean and open, vast and white. It's sparsely furnished, a dining table to the left and the kitchen to the right with the living room in the back with the large windows and the huge balcony with a pool. 

Gavin gasps as he sees the apartment, quick out of Ryan's embrace to look at everything. Ryan's puts his hands into his pockets as he smiles at Gavin's excitement over the clearly high end apartment, following behind him as Gavin makes his way to the windows.

"Oh wow Ryan." Gavin gasps as he looks over the city. Ryan wraps his arms around Gavin, pulling him closer and snugly against his chest. Gavin leans back, his head resting against Ryan's shoulder, his arms wrapping around Ryan's arms. "It's so gorgeous."

"The view is certainly one of the better ones." Ryan replies softly, pressing a kiss against Gavin's neck. 

"Why did you leave?" Gavin repeats but there's no malice in his voice, only curiosity.

Ryan shrugs. 

"Never felt like mine. Too sterile, too unlived. Unnerves me." He answers finally. 

"I'm sure we can change that." Gavin replies and Ryan laughs as Gavin guides Ryan's hand to his cock, getting hard again. Ryan grabs him and Gavin shivers against him, his hands sneaking up to entangle themselves in Ryan's hair. 

"You're sure of yourself." Ryan mumbles, letting his teeth graze against Gavin's neck. 

Gavin smiles and turns around in Ryan's arms, pulling him closer and wrapping his arms around Ryan's shoulders. Ryan gets the hint, he captures Gavin's lips as his hands dip lower, appreciating the shape of Gavin's ass as he grabs him roughly. Gavin's moan is soft against his lips and Ryan's stomach twists at the sound. He kicks off his shoes, urging Gavin to do the same. 

Ryan's hands grab Gavin's hips and he hoists him up, Gavin's legs snapping around his hips as Ryan carries Gavin up the stairs. Gavin's grinding down against him, his cock straining against his jeans as Ryan growls against Gavin's mouth. Gavin's fingers tug his hair, just like he learned he loved in the cabin and Ryan bites down on Gavin's lower lip. Gavin hisses against him, pressing against him harder, making it harder for Ryan to manage the stairs. 

His legs carry them up the stairs and he slams Gavin against the wall on top of the stairs. Ryan's hands slip under Gavin's shirt and his hands trace up his chest, Gavin slamming his head against the wall moaning loudly as Ryan's fingers twist his nipples. 

Ryan's hands tug on Gavin's shirt and Gavin helps him pull his shirt off so Ryan has free roam over Gavin's chest. His hands run up and down Gavin's sides as he presses sloppy kisses and bites all around Gavin's chest. Gavin presses himself tighter against the wall, his back arching as his breath hitches as Ryan sucks his left nipple into his mouth, grazing his teeth softly against it and twirls his tongue. Gavin's hands in his hair pull him closer, one of his hands dropping to Ryan's shoulder to hang on, his fingers digging into Ryan's muscle so tightly Ryan' groans. 

Ryan moves to Gavin's right nipple, careful to give equal attention to both of them. Gavin's legs are tight around him and he knows they both feel each others hardness against each other. There's a hunger within Ryan to make Gavin repeat every sound he made in the cabin, to make sure he heard them right, to memorize them and as Gavin whines against him Ryan's arms grabs Gavin's ass and he moves them from the wall, making his way to the bedroom. 

With his attention still on Gavin's chest he manages to get them to the bed and they go tumbling down. Gavin's hands keep pulling him closer, his leg hooking over Ryan's to pull him closer in every way. Gavin's hands are quick, impatient as he pulls on Ryan's jacket. Ryan sits up, straddling Gavin, pressing his growing erection against Gavin's bulge. He shrugs off his jacket and pulls his shirt away before he ducks down to kiss Gavin. 

Gavin's tongue presses against Ryan's as he opens his mouth, his movements laced with need. Gavin's fingers trace and roam across Ryan's bare chest as Ryan's reach down to undo Gavin's pants. Gavin bites Ryan's lip as Ryan palms him impatiently. Ryan's groan mix with Gavin's moan as Gavin bucks up against Ryan's hand. 

"God I've missed this." Gavin moans as Ryan unzips him. Ryan smirks at Gavin as he shuffles down to pull his pants off. Gavin's commando, a sight that makes Ryan twitch and groan as Gavin's hard cock springs free from his jeans. Gavin helps to pull his jeans off and Ryan throws them behind him, his eyes roaming Gavin's nakedness. His cock straining and already leaking precum against his stomach, his quick breathing, the way his arms are taut against the pillows and his hair is tousled and like a halo against the pillows. 

"Fuck you're gorgeous." Ryan whispers, tracing his fingertips up Gavin's shins and thighs, ghosting over his cock before running up his sides as Ryan shuffles forward to kiss him. Gavin shivers at the compliment and Ryan makes a note to compliment him more often. 

Ryan's jeans are tight but he doesn't want to pull them off yet, the way Gavin's skin reacts to the roughness of his jeans makes him bite his lip. Gavin's eyes flutter close as Ryan presses their hardness together, Gavin's hips grinding against Ryan's and their breathy gasps mix. 

"How do you want it?" Ryan asks, his voice low and almost a growl against Gavin's ear and Gavin groans at the sound, his arms wrapping around Ryan's shoulders. 

"Fuck me." Gavin gasps. 

Ryan shudders at the hunger in Gavin's voice, his desperate bucking against Ryan's cock and he pulls back, stepping out of his jeans and underwear. The way Gavin's eyes darken at the sight of him makes Ryan's breath get strangled. 

Ryan leans over to the bedside table to rummage for lube and a condom and as he searches he feels Gavin's hand wrap around his cock. Ryan quivers as he feels Gavin's warm fingers wrap around him, moving slowly up and down, twirling slowly and it's driving Ryan insane. 

"Gav I'm not going to last-" he bites out, his fingers finally wrapping around the bottle of lube and he pulls back. Gavin's eyes twinkle with mischief as Ryan looks at him, grabbing Gavin's wrists and pulling them over his head. "Behave."

Gavin bites his tongue, his eyes lidded underneath Ryan, his legs falling open to give Ryan more space and also to hurry him. 

"Make me." Gavin whispers. Ryan stares at him and pops open the bottle of lube. At the sound of the bottle opening he can see and feel a shiver running through Gavin. 

Gavin's back arches as Ryan slides two slick fingers into him, and Ryan presses him back down on the mattress with a firm hand on Gavin's abdomen. Gavin's legs twitch as Ryan curls his fingers, brushing against that sweet spot inside Gavin. Gavin's mouth is open, he breathes a soft curse as Ryan scissors his fingers inside. 

Gavin's writhing under his touch is heightened as he enters a third finger, the way Gavin's head arches against the pillow presenting his throat to Ryan makes Ryan groan. Gavin's fingers are intertwined with the sheets and his skin is already glistening and Ryan wants nothing more to spend eternity in this room with this divine man writhing in pleasure. 

"Rye-" Gavin gasps, his fingers brushing against Ryan's hand on his stomach and Ryan knows what he wants. He removes his fingers, but before Gavin gets halfway through with his whine at the loss of contact, Ryan presses his lips against the underside of Gavin's cock and smirks at the sudden sharp inhale he hears. 

As Ryan's hands wrap open the wrapper and rolls the condom over himself he licks a line from Gavin's balls to the tip of his cock. Gavin's crying out his name but he smiles as he twirls the head of Gavin's cock softly before pulling away. 

"Ryan-" Gavin's complaint shatters as Ryan presses himself in. Gavin sucks a breath in, his fingers grasping the sheets with white knuckles and his eyes flutter close as Ryan presses himself in slowly. Ryan's groan rumble in his chest as he focuses all his willpower not to just slam into Gavin and take it slow. Gavin's so soft and warm and tight around him and he feels like he's ablaze as finally he feels Gavin's hips flush against his own. 

Gavin's breath is heavy, his eyes are closed and Ryan stays still until Gavin opens them and nods for him to continue. Ryan pulls out, letting his tip stay in before slamming back down and Gavin's moan echos in the apartment. Ryan grabs Gavin's legs, pulling them over his shoulders as he rests his weight on his arms as he begins to pound into Gavin. 

Gavin's cries are like extacy for him, every time he slams against Gavin's prostate he can see and feel the waves of pleasure roll through Gavin and then through him. Gavin's arms sling over Ryan's shoulders, his fingers digging into skin, his fingernails leaving trails of fire behind them and Ryan pants as Gavin's words start to melt together, Ryan's name mixing with curses and words of worship. 

Ryan feels Gavin's imminent release, he feels him pulsating around him and he angles their hips once more and it takes no more than two thrusts, of flesh slamming against flesh, for Gavin to cry out his name like it's holy for him. Gavin's fingers are bruising Ryan's skin but he doesn't care, his skin prickles as Gavin tightens around him and his knees goes limp as his brain goes haywire with the pleasure of his release rolling through like tidal waves. 

His thrusts slow down until he's on the border of over stimulation and he pulls out slowly. Gavin's legs around him collapse against the mattress as Ryan ties the condom off before throwing it into the trash. Ryan feels like he's made of jello as he crawls back against Gavin, whose hands reach out for him. Ryan lays down, his skin sticky with sweat as he pulls Gavin against him, his skin sticky with sweat and his cum speckled against his stomach and chest. Ryan reaches for his t-shirt and wipes Gavin clean, his movements soft and tender and Gavin's almost purring under his touch.

Gavin's fingers are soft against Ryan's chest still heaving with his labored breathing. He can feel Gavin's lazy smile against his skin and he pulls Gavin's face up to kiss him. There's no hurry anymore, the kiss soft and tender, exploring and reconnecting after their separation. Gavin's hands cups Ryan's face, his fingers intertwining in his stubble. 

"I miss the beard." Gavin laughs as they pull for air. "You looked so ruggedly handsome."

"Is that so?" Ryan asks, huffing a bit as Gavin splays himself on top of Ryan. Ryan's arms wrap around him, holding him securely as Gavin looks at Ryan with twinkling eyes. 

"This is good too." Gavin smiles, pressing their lips together almost lazily. Ryan tangles his hand into Gavin's hair, pulling him closer to him. Gavin's hair is warm and soft, and exactly like he remembered it and here, lying with him in his arms, in this quiet and dark room, the scent of sex and sweat lingering around them, he feels so full.


	18. Chapter Eighteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Tuesday loves! ❤ 
> 
> This week featuring daring bike races, lots of kisses and handcuffs! (And yes I know Gavin's tron bike is pink, but man the golden lights fits this AU much better so deal with it)
> 
> I love you all! ❤

"Do you think they'll notice?" Gavin asks softly as they idle in Ryan's car a few blocks from the penthouse. Gavin looks out the windshield at the looming tower that peeks over the low rises next to it.

Ryan looks back from the penthouse to look at Gavin. In the light of the morning sun he looks soft, his hair styled and his sunglasses glimmer in the light. Having stayed the night, he's wearing the same thin blue shirt he had yesterday but Ryan doesn't think anyone will think twice about it. 

"I'll just say that I forced you to go get breakfast after spending an all-nighter." Ryan replies, leaning over to grab Gavin's hand and press a kiss against his knuckles. 

"That might work." Gavin replies softly, a smile on his face as he looks up from his hand to look into Ryan's eyes. Ryan can't see how his eyes might twinkle behind his shades but he's grown used to Gavin's other tells. He can see his chest heaving under his shirt, and the corner of his mouth's tilted up just enough. 

Ryan leans in to press a kiss against Gavin's lips, soft and warm against his. He traces his lips with his tongue, his hands reaching up into Gavin's hair to pull him closer. Gavin whines in his mouth and breaks the kiss to smack Ryan's arm. 

"Don't touch the hair, it took ages to get it to look good." Gavin whines as Ryan raises his eyebrow at his response. 

"Fine then." Ryan replies, releasing Gavin and leaning back into his seat. Gavin looks at him with a frown on his face, his hands fiddling with the hem of his shirt. 

"I didn't say stop kissing me." Gavin whines, and Ryan laughs at his demeanor. Who knew how needy the Golden Boy actually was. Ryan motions for Gavin to come over, still smiling as Gavin leans in to kiss him, Gavin's hands cupping Ryan's face. 

He's sure he'll never get tired of kissing Gavin. It's as if time slows down, the only thing on his mind is the warmth radiating from Gavin's hands and the fire that burns deep within him as Gavin's tongue dips into his mouth. Their noses mush together, Gavin's hands tightening against his face as Ryan reaches over to pull Gavin into his lap. Ryan's hands are tight against Gavin's skinny jeans, his fingers splayed across Gavin's ass as he bites Gavin's lip. 

"Better?" Ryan asks, his voice low and his grip tightens. Gavin's breath hitches as the sensation and Ryan smirks, moving his lips from Gavin's to roam against Gavin's neck. 

"Better." Gavin moans as he arches his head back to give Ryan more room. His ass bumps into the steering wheel and they both jolt at the loud beep. "Shit Rye."

"We should be heading in." Ryan comments but his mouth seems drawn to Gavin's neck. "They'll begin to worry."

"Fuck them." Gavin replies with a soft giggle as his fingers dip under Ryan's leather jacket to get better grip on his shoulders. "Fuck them all."

"I'd much prefer to fuck you." Ryan replies biting down on Gavin's shoulder. His hands wander from Gavin's ass to roam his back, his fingers leaving goosebumps under Gavin's shirt. "But we really need to go."

Gavin whines, slumping down against Ryan pressing their foreheads together. Ryan can see his own reflection in Gavin's glasses and is reminded that he's put his face paint on. 

"What a pair we make." Ryan laughs and Gavin giggles, their breaths mixing together and there's nothing more Ryan wants to do than to stay here and have his way with Gavin but he knows how tightly wrung Geoff can be and he doesn't want to make things worse for them all. "Come on Gav."

Gavin pecks his lips one last time before sliding over to the passenger seat. Ryan glances over at him looking into the mirror to hide any marks he might've missed. Ryan pulls out of the parking spot and sees Gavin straighten his shirt as he rolls down the hill towards the penthouse. 

"Remember, you've been at it all night." Ryan reminds Gavin as they wait for the doors to open. Gavin nods beside him. 

"And you took me to get fresh air and breakfast." Gavin repeats and smiles. "How thoughtful of you."

"I only did it because you looked like a corpse." Ryan replies with a smirk. Gavin's smile changes, his face outraged at Ryan suggestion. 

"Scuse me? I'm always bloody pristine!" Gavin exclaims. 

"Deal with it Free." Ryan laughs and pulls into his spot. 

Gavin's still outraged by Ryan's claims as they step into the elevator but Ryan thinks it's cute. Besides it could help sell the story to the others. Not that he thinks they'll be many of the crew up at this hour anyway. Most of them have probably dispersed for their daily tasks.

"Look who decided to show up!" Geoffs voice booms as the doors open into the penthouse. Ryan's startled by the entire crew sitting in the living room, all eyes on them and he's suddenly very thankful for his face paint and that he had drawn it sloppily to mask what ever marks Gavin might've left. 

"What's going on?" Gavin asks as they walk into the penthouse. 

"Crew meeting." Jack explains and motions for them to sit. 

"I sent you a message." Geoff cuts in and Ryan can feel pure intensity radiate off him and he wonders if his boss got any sleep last night. Judging by the way Jack keeps looking at Geoff the chances are pretty low. 

"I never got anything." Gavin says pulling his phone and showing Geoff their conversation. "You must've not sent it to me."

Geoff fumes but confronted with evidence he huffs and sits back down. Ryan moves over to sit on the couch next to Jack and watches Gavin bounce over to sit on the armrest next to Michael. 

"I thought I didn't need to since you're always here." Geoff mutters. 

"I was until Rye dragged me to eat." Gavin shrugs easily and believably. Ryan watches the rest of them look over at Gavin and then Ryan.

"Since when are you best buds?" Geoff asks with a raised eyebrow. 

"Since someone sent him to a shed up in the mountains for days." Ryan deadpans. "Had to learn to deal with all of that."

"All of what?" Gavin exclaims but he hears no malice in his voice. 

"And since when has he been Rye?" Michael asks and turns his gaze at Ryan. Ryan doesn't shy away from his gaze, knowing that Michael knows how Gavin feels about him he needs to remain calm. "Is Ryan too long to say?"

"You know me Michael!" Gavin coos and laughs. "It's more fun to say."

"Enough!" Geoff bellows and everybody quiets down to look at him. "None of that matters right now. I've got things I need done today."

Jack leans over and places a map of the city and the county over the coffee table. There's a mark placed due south of the lake and another at the airport. Ryan glances over the map but he doesn't see anything else marked on the map. 

"I've got a shipment of new Shotaros that need to be tested. I need to know how they handle and how fast we can drive on these roads."

"Those the Tron bikes?" Jeremy chimes in and reminds Ryan of a child as he bounces with excitement on the couch. Ryan sees Michael's eyes light up as well and smiles at the excitement. He feels it too, the prospect of a bike race in the winding streets of the back country and the hills and the exhilarating plummet down to city center. 

"Yes." Geoff replies and throws each of them a pair of keys. "Get them modded up as you want, these are going to be yours so make them yours."

Ryan hangs back in the crowd as the crew disperse to get their new bikes modded. He watches Gavin bounce of with the rest of the lads and Ryan waits for the next elevator. Jack stops by his side, also heading out to mod her bike. 

Ryan stands tall next to her, his leather jacket and face paint a stark contrast to her Hawaiian shirt and red hair. She's twirling her keys in her hands. 

"Ryan?" 

"Yes?" Ryan replies curious about the hesitant tone in her voice. He glances at her as she twirls the keys, seeming a bit nervous for some reason. 

"I don't really know how to say this-" Jack laughs nervously. 

"Just say it." Ryan replies, worried about her nervousness and what might cause her to be this nervous around him. He's sure he's not done anything to her, and she told him ages ago that the face paint and the mask are cool with her. He looks back at the elevator and wishes that it would arrive sooner. 

His mind flashes to wonder if she knows about him and Gavin and his stomach drops. It's not like he's ashamed or worried about what she might think of them but he promised Gavin that they'll keep it a secret for now. He doesn't want the extra eyes on them, he doesn't want everybody knowing his weakness. 

"I'm sorry." She finally says and makes Ryan turn to face her with his eyebrow raised in surprise. "For sending Gavin to the cabin, I know I should've picked someone else but he volunteered and I-"

"Oh." Ryan exhales and his shoulders drop with relief. "Jack you don't have to apologize."

"But I want to." She huffs but she smiles. "I know you can handle yourself but I guess it was a dick move to send him up there without any heads up."

"Jack, it's fine." Ryan replies with a smile, grabbing her shoulders and giving them a squeeze. "Don't worry about it. It went alright and it's behind us now. Lets focus on the bikes, alright?"

She smiles, patting his arm softly and the elevator dings beside them. She laughs softly and motions for him to get in and they ride in a comfortable silence down to the garage. Ryan notices the bikes stashed into a dark corner, no wonder he didn't notice them this morning, and sees that Michael's funbag's missing from it's shelf. Ryan smiles, remembering catching Michael filling it up with explosives big and small, fireworks and a few Molotov's only a few days ago. 

"Oh god." Jack mutters as she notices the same thing. "Guess the LSPD's gonna have their hands busy with the lads today."

Ryan chuckles, appreciating the chaos as he straddles his bike. There's something magical about a great bike, and as Ryan runs his hand down the sleek metal of the chassis he smiles. He knows this thing will be magical and powerful beyond his own bikes. 

"Drive safe." Jack laughs as she hops on hers and revs her engine before darting out of the garage. Ryan doesn't need to think twice before turning the engine on and taking the bike out. 

He drives the long way to his trusted mechanic all across the city. He knows the lads will take the shops down west and since they need the bikes done by tonight he's happy to take the ride to ensure his bike will be ready in time. The Shotaro is amazing underneath him so he doesn't even complain about the ride. 

He corners corners too tightly, the Shotaros wheels squealing underneath him but as the wind whips his hair and makes his eyes water he's thankful for it all. The bike purrs like a dream, handles like a dream come true and too soon he's pulling into the shop. 

The day's long as he waits for his bike. Ryan takes the opportunity to clear out some old stragglers from gangs they've eradicated. The work's simple, the mask he pulls on doing most of the work for him. Terrifying lowlifes is easy, dull work and his mind wanders to Gavin and how good he might look on his bike, how good he'd feel against Ryan's back as they rode on the same bike. 

He watches another scumbag scuttle away from him with his broken arm Ryan gifted him and he sighs. The sun is dipping lower in the sky and he turns back to head for his bike. He wonders about the lads and pulls his phone out and laughs as he opens the group chat their entire crew's apart of.

The first picture is of the lads together, mischievous smiles on their faces as they pose in front of a gigantic pile of fireworks. The next one is of them running away from explosions and Ryan's heart swells with almost familiar adoration. His eyes linger on the way Gavin smirks in the third picture, his chest puffed with confidence and his smirk wide and predatory. It makes Ryan shiver with lust to see Gavin's alter ego bask in the light from the burning car behind him. 

He shakes his head as he arrives at the shop. The bike is gleaming black with red highlights and Ryan's delighted by the way it looks. The contrast of the bright blood red lights against the sleek black chassis looks amazing and Ryan thanks his mechanic before he revs the engine, laughing at how delicious his souped up engine sounds. 

The ride north is uneventful. With his mask on he knows he's not going to be stopped by the local sheriffs, he's too much hassle and paperwork to justify the chase. He laughs softly as he drives around the cars that are driving so slowly compared to him that they look almost stationary.

He sees the bike approach him way before he hears it's horn. He slows down just a hair and looks over at the pure white bike with it's white lights illuminate Jack in her riding leathers. He waves back at her as she laughs, her hair whipping in the wind. She motions him to take a short cut with her and he smirks as they both jerk their bikes to hop over the embankment and he feels the sand and dirt from the desert around them whip against his legs. 

As he chases her through the unmarked roads and sandy dunes he sees others. A bike with purple lights and a driver with a suit made of orange lights hops a dune to his west and behind him he sees a golden bike emerge with a golden driver. Behind them a blue light bike with a blue driver skips off a rock and bounces on the road. 

"The lads!" Jack yells over the roar of the sand whipping around them and the roar of their engines. As if Ryan needed the clarification, the mere sight of that combination of orange and purple is enough to wager a guess it's the lads.

Ryan nods as they exhalarate to get to the meetup point at the same time. Ryan breaks hard to avoid colliding into Geoff, with his pink bike and worn jeans jacket, who's leaning against his bike. Jack pulls in slower, her brown leather pants dusted with a coating of sand. 

The lads arrive with hollers and hoots as they pull in. Michael's blue bike pulls next to Jack and Ryan watches Jeremy's garish bike squeal as he breaks. 

Gavin looks amazing in his golden get up. His bike glimmers in the light of their bikes and he takes his helmet off to show his golden tinted sunglasses and ruffled hair. Ryan forces himself to stay put, quiet and unimpressed both because he doesn't want to give it away but he doesn't also want to give Gavin the knowledge on what this outfit stirred inside him. 

"Alright dipshits!" Geoff hollers. "Take weird paths, shortcuts whatever. It's not a race-" they all look at each other with grin. "-it's to test out if these bikes will be worth it."

"Last one at the airport is a loser!" Michael cackles and revs his engine. Ryan chuckles at the excited laughs and hoots from the others but he's in this competition to win it. Geoff shakes his head but mounts his bike. 

"On my mark-" Geoff says but the rest of his words are drowned out by the engines revving. Ryan keeps his eyes on Geoff raised hand and he feels the excitement bubbling inside of him. 

Geoff's hand falls and they're off. Ryan darts around a bolder and emerges on the other side in the lead. The roads here are bad, barely dirt-roads but the Shotaro handles like a dream. He sees darts of color in the corner of his eye and as they screech to the straight road towards the hills they're still neck and neck. 

Ryan hears Michael cackle as he whips past him, and he leans lower on his bike. He knows there's a choice to be made soon; to head through the hills and through the city center or take the slightly longer route that leads into the highway and bypasses the city. 

Ryan smirks, letting go of his throttle slightly and watches Jeremy and Jack speed past him. He's neck and neck with Gavin, glancing over to him on his golden bike. The crew's loud in his earpiece, he hears Michael and Jeremy head towards the hills and he looks over at Gavin with a smirk.

"Shortcut!" Ryan yells and turns to the road bypassing the hills. He sees Jack and Geoff both dash towards the hills, following their GPSs but the only person he cares about swerves to join him on his road. 

He pulls next to Gavin, maintaining speed with him and laughs as adrenaline and their speed makes him feel all giddy. Gavin leans down, speeding up and turning so they're so close together that Ryan can reach out and touch Gavin if he wants. 

The sounds of the rest of the crew is distant, the range of their comms not being made for this and before long Ryan hears the rest of them drive out of range. Geoff's voice is the last to go and suddenly he's alone with Gavin, riding at high speeds on their new bikes in the darkness of the night and he feels so alive that he might burst. 

He swerves to the left and Gavin to the right as they drive around a lone car on the road before converging side by side. Ryan has a hard time keeping his eyes on the road, his eyes wandering over to Gavin as he straddles his bike. He knows Gavin's arching his back on purpose, the curve of his spine almost unnatural as he revs his engine beside him. 

Ryan's no longer interested in the race.

Ryan nods at Gavin, motioning for him to pull over at the nearby trees. Gavin revs his bike but veers of and stops in the shadows of the trees by Ryan's side. Ryan's barely got the patience to kick the stand down before he's off his bike and stalking over to Gavin. 

Gavin removes his helmet and Ryan sees how he smirks. 

"What's up?" Gavin asks as Ryan reaches him and grabs his face with that infuriating smirk and kisses him hard. Gavin's tongue swirls around Ryan's, and their noses mush together as Ryan kisses Gavin with all of his pent up frustrations. Gavin's hands grabs Ryan's shoulder, the leather of his jacket squeaking as Gavin pulls him closer. 

It's an awkward angle and as they break for air Ryan tugs Gavin off his bike and slams Gavin against one of the nearby trees. Gavin giggles, clearly amused by his feverish need but Ryan shuts him off by cupping him roughly. 

"Fuck Rye." Gavin gasps, his laugh morphing into something more. Gavin's fingers dig deep into Ryan's shoulders as Ryan attaches his lips against Gavin's jawline. 

"This fucking suit." Ryan mutters his annoyance as he tries to tug the tight fitting suit off Gavin so he can ravish every single inch of Gavin's skin, make him beg for his cock. 

"There's a zipper on the back." Gavin replies, but he presses closer to Ryan and the way his fingers tug at his hair he's distracted. Ryan knows Gavin's doing it on purpose, he feels the mischievous spirit lingering in Gavin's soul and he growls against Gavin, his fingers trying to reach the zipper. 

Before his fingers can grasp the tiny hidden zipper their world becomes brightly lit. Ryan breaks his hold, confused by the sudden change in light and he reaches for his weapon, seeing in the corner of his eye Gavin reach for his. He steps in front of Gavin, staring into the brightness, shielding him from whatever's behind the blinding whiteness.

"LSPD! Hands above your heads! You are surrounded!" A voice booms and Ryan's fingers tighten around his weapon. He scans the lights around them, his eyes straining to see too many people behind them and he knows he can't do anything without endangering both him, but more importantly Gavin. 

"There's too many." Ryan mutters, quietly enough so that the cops can't hear him. Gavin's hand reaches over and touches his shoulder blade. 

"Let them take us. The crew will take care of it."

Ryan hesitates for a moment, the comforting weight of Gavin's presence behind him making the decision for him. Ryan nods, and carefully they both toss their weapons away from them and raise their hands. 

Ryan's not a fan of how rough the cops are on him as he's shoved down into the dirt and he feels multiple pairs of hands and feet on his body trying to hold him down. He's not sure why they even bother with this act, he's not resisting and they both know that if Ryan wanted, he'd take these fools down without breaking a sweat. 

As he's lifted from the ground he sees another groups of cops escort Gavin into a patrol car. He can see and hear how Gavin's chattering about, his facade up and he feels sorry for the poor bastards that would have to listen to him all the way to the city. 

"Not so scary now are you?" A cop giggles as he holds Ryan's shoulder as Ryan sits down in the back seat. Although his mask is on the ground and he's only wearing his face paint he levels a stare at the cop and smirks as the cop whimpers. 

The ride down to the precinct is quiet and uneventful. Ryan's never been a fan of the backseat of a cruiser but he trusts Gavin's judgement. And he trusts the crew. He stares at the cop driving the car through the rear view mirror and finds joy in the way he sweats under his gaze. 

Ryan can hear Gavin in one of the interrogation rooms he's escorted past and smirks at the chatter. The cop that steps out of Gavin's room looks absolutely exhausted and he chuckles softly to himself as he's pushed into the adjacent room and into the chair. 

Interrogation rooms are rarely nice but this one is even less so. Cracks form spiderwebs on the concrete walls and the table in front of his looks like it's been busted a few times. The cop that escorted him into the room makes sure he's fastened to the chair before he makes his hasty exit. 

Ryan focuses on looking uninterested, staring at a particular point in the one way mirror. He knows there's someone behind that and statistically the point he's looking at would be most likely where that person would be. There's nothing quite as fun as intimidating detectives. 

His face remains stoic but as soon as the cop left his room his fingers start to work. For times like these he keeps a small piece of metal in the inside seam of his leather jacket and as he had done countless times, his finger reach up into his sleeve and carefully pull the tool out of it's hidey hole. 

The room door opens and Ryan looks unimpressed at the detective that walks in. He's not seen this one before, the way the detectives hands shake if only slightly he knows this poor bastard doesn't like to be in the same room with him. 

"The Vagabond right?" The detective asks, clearing his throat to sound more confident as he sits down on the other side of the table. Ryan doesn't answer him, just keeps his eyes peeled on the detective as his fingers insert the metal tool into the lock of his handcuffs. Amateurs. 

"We've arrested you on the following charges." The detective continues keeping his eyes peeled on the file in his hands. "Murder, attempted murder, breaking and entering, grand theft auto."

Ryan raises his eyebrow at the detective who shifts his eyes quickly back down to his papers. 

"I must say it was easier than I thought to catch you." The detective suddenly says. "I mean it's not like those stupid bikes are very inconspicuous. All it takes is to make you stop. And you did that for us!" 

Ryan doesn't respond. The metal tool clicks deeper into his cuffs and he knows there's nothing that stops him from leaving. 

"What were you even doing?" The detective asks with a laugh. The detectives tone shifts to a mocking one as he looks up at Ryan. "It looked like something personal, like you were hooking up with Mr. Free."

Ryan's jaw tightens at the detectives tone. 

"I mean I can't say I understand why you'd do that. Even if I'd be into dudes, that Free fellow is a right scrawny asshole, always running his mouth. What an idiot. Someday that'll get him killed."

As Ryan growls ready to pounce at the detective and tear his limbs off the door to the room flies open. The detective looks up and at the man in the doorway.

"I'm sorry to interrupt but Detective Hocking it seems like there's a mistake."

"What?" The detective asks and stands up. 

"We've got nothing on him or Free." The other man replies quietly but Ryan hears him anyway. "All of the evidence just disappeared, there's nothing on either of them in the database."

"You can't be serious!" Detective Hocking exclaims and Ryan just flashes a smile at him. "What about the physical evidence?"

"There- was a fire." The other man replies. "I don't know how but all of it is destroyed."

Ryan chuckles softly. The two men look at him and Ryan can see detective Hocking fuming silently. 

"I'm sorry sir." The other man addresses Ryan. "There's been a terrible mistake. You're free to go."

"I was on my way anyway." Ryan replies calmly and the cuffs holding him fall to the ground as he stands up. He enjoys the way Hocking's eyes widen as Ryan rubs his wrist as he walks past the two of them. "I'm sorry our discussion was cut short dear detective. I'm itching to continue it."

Ryan walks out into the corridor past the detectives pale face just as Gavin steps out of his. Ryan walks up to him and Gavin falls into a comfortable step beside him as they walk out of the corridor and through the lobby. Curious eyes linger on them and Gavin's smirk is so smug Ryan can feel it even though he can't see it. 

As they reach the door and Ryan holds it open for Gavin, Gavin turns around and bows to the crowd.

"It was a pleasure as always lads!" Gavin says and salutes the crowd before exiting the building with a laugh. Ryan rolls his eyes as they walk down the steps to the parking lot where they can see Lindsay leaning against her baby blue car. 

"Nice night fellows?" She asks with a smile as they walk up to them. 

"Splendid." Gavin replies with a smirk. "Where's the rest of the crew?"

"Got caught up in similar raids on the highway. The B-teams handling that massacre as we speak."

"Thanks." Ryan replies as they pile into her car. "I guess that fire was you?"

"You know it." Lindsay giggles as she pulls out of the parking lot. "Can't help myself."

"I wouldn't have it any other way." Gavin yawns from the backseat and pulls his sunglasses of his face. "God it's been a long day."

"Where do you want me to take you?" Lindsay asks. Gavin looks at Ryan but Ryan's got other plans. 

"Drop me off at the office." Ryan replies. "I've got loose ends to tie up."

Gavin shrugs in the back seat and asks Lindsay to drop him off at home. The ride is silent, all of them tired and Ryan's too engrossed in forming a plan. As Lindsay's car pull away from the penthouse garage doors Ryan smirks as he walks inside and retrieves every knife he can find in the armory and grabs his backup mask. 

Time to pay detective Hocking a visit and teach him manners.


	19. Chapter Nineteen

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Tuesday! 
> 
> As always your support mean the world to me. This story has not been as painless as I hoped it would be and your support really makes a difference. This week has been a nightmare and this chapter feels weaker than the rest but I'm simply too stressed out with life to have the time to sit down and reassemble this. I hope you guys understand that! ❤

"What's this about a dead cop I've heard about?" Geoff asks Ryan as he walks into the penthouse the following day. Geoff's eyebrow is raised and his crossed arms mean business. Ryan walks past him into the kitchen to grab himself a can of diet coke and thinks about how me made sure the detective screamed himself hoarse before he dumped the barely recognizable body at the steps leading to the LSPD headquarters. 

"Do you really want to know?"

"Not really." Geoff replies after a while, clearly deciding to leave that door closed. "Was it justified at least?"

"Absolutely." Ryan says with a shrug. "Needed to remind the LSPD who's in charge."

"Great." Geoff huffs, dropping his arms and reaching for a bottle of water. "You know I'd rather know about these things before they hit the news."

"I'll keep that in mind." Ryan replies, sipping his drink as Geoff just sighs in defeat and motions him to follow him. 

Geoff walks back into the brief room and Ryan can't help but to notice the way his shoulders hunch as he walks, the fatigue clearly lingering in his boss. He wonders if Jack had gotten Geoff to take it easy for a while, the fatigue still prominent but clearly not as prominent as it had been. 

"You alright?" Ryan asks, raising his eyebrow when Geoff stops at the door. He's grown quite close to the crew in his time here and although he knows his image painted him as an uncaring person he can't help but to gravitate towards worry at the clear stress Geoff's under. "Anything I can do to help out?"

"It's alright." Geoff replies waiving his hand around nonchalantly. "The prep faze of a heist is always a bit intense but we should get the ball rolling today. After that if everybody does their jobs we're fine."

Ryan nods and walks through the door Geoff holds open for him. The rest of them are already here except for Gavin. Ryan's eyes scan the room, the others looking briefly at him before resuming their discussions. Michael and Jeremy seem to be arguing about something that sounds trivial and Jack busies herself with Geoff as soon as the boss walks into the room. 

Ryan misses Gavin's presence although it's not been long since he saw him. His eyes linger on the filing cabins where he can still imagine Gavin sitting and kicking the metal with his rainbow converses. He lingers on how times have changed, how he's now in his bed and not someone he could never get. 

"Where's Gav?" Geoff huffs impatiently, glancing at his phone. As he's about to hurl into one of his rants the door to the room opens and Gavin rushes in with an apologetic smile. "The fuck have you been at?"

"Overslept. Forgot to put on an alarm." Gavin explains, quickly plopping down into the chair beside Ryan. Ryan can smell the scent of his newly applied cologne and the tips of Gavin's hair are still a bit damp after his hurried morning. He looks absolutely perfect and Ryan has to fight to focus and look away from Gavin's soft edges hidden behind all the gold he put on today. 

"It's heist time motherfuckers." Geoff announces and is met by a room of rolling eyes. 

"No shit." Michael exclaims. "You've been working us overtime for this thing."

"That's right Michael." Geoff continues chirpy as he point to the complex maze of papers pinned to the board at the front of the room. "This time we're hitting an art installation." 

"What?" Jeremy chimes in. "I mean okay, those things are valuable as fuck but getting them sold is a nightmare."

"That it is usually. That's the reason we've never tried anything like this before." Geoff states with a triumphant smile. Gavin shifts next to Ryan and Ryan's eyes flicker to the smirk on Gavin's face. "But I've got a person who'll do the selling for us. I met her at the gala and she suggested this thing. So we're hitting this gallery in precisely one weeks time."

"Shit that's a bit close." Gavin chimes in leaning in. "You sure we can do this?"

"Absolutely. You've already done most of the heavy lifting and B-team has been overseeing the surveillance."

"So what's left then?" Michael asks, leaning back in his chair, clearly not into the idea of stealing art. 

"We need a closer look inside." Geoff lists, pointing at the list on the board. "During the heist we'll have one of us pose as a buyer and when the piece is lifted off the wall we're going to jam the money transfer and escape with the painting."

"So Gavin's clearly in charge of the money." Jeremy states pointing at Gavin. "But what about the rest of us?"

"Glad you asked Jeremy." Geoff replies, shuffling through his papers. "Jack will wait with Gavin in a nearby van. Gavin needs to be close and Jack can blend in so that nobody will notice it. Jeremy, you and Michael are in charge of making a ruckus down south and drawing most of the cops there to ease the pressure up north."

"What about me?" Ryan chimes in as he feels the rest of the crews eyes land on him. 

"You're our buyer." Geoff states with a smile. The room is silent for a while and even Ryan has to glance around the room to make sure he's not the only one questioning this role swap. 

"Think about it guys." Geoff continues. "Nobody's seen Ryan's actual face without the mask and the face paint. Everybody knows the rest of our faces. There's a need for discretion."

"Besides-" Gavin chimes in looking at Ryan and Ryan can see his face painted face reflected in Gavin's sunglasses. "Rye knows a bit about art so it's not a huge stretch."

"You do?" Jeremy asks incredulously. 

"I've had a life yes." Ryan replies and the crew laughs. He still feels Jeremy's eyes on him for a while before they all settle back in and Geoff continues.

"I'll be back here to oversee the chatter. Get the painting into Jack's car Ryan and Jack will drive you all to the observatory, you should be long gone before they notice the missing money transfer. We'll meet at the observatory to get headcount and transfer the painting to my contact. Easy peasy."

Ryan's sure it's not going to be so easy as Geoff imagines it to be. In fact he knows that there's about a million ways this plan goes sideways but there's a thrill to it all. He feels that same energy pulsing around the room, and Gavin's knee brushes against his own. Ryan doesn't let it show on his face but he brushes against Gavin's knee as well and he sees the small smile on his face. 

"We need to acquire the van, Jack you'll handle that. Michael and Jeremy, start planning your part. I trust you guys to know how to make a scene and get out alive." Geoff lists off and Michael and Jeremy nod. Ryan's envious of the clear chaos they'll be allowed to create. "Gavin, get in touch with the B-team and coordinate the tech side of things."

"Got it Geoff!" Gavin replies with a salute that makes Geoff roll his eyes. 

"Ryan I need you to talk to Lindsay, she'll get you into the gallery tomorrow as her plus one." Geoff lists. "She was able to acquire an invitation and you two are going. Scope out what you need and report to me afterwards."

"Anything special I should look out for?" Ryan asks. 

"Anything that you might find useful." Geoff shrugs. "This isn't a guns blazing heist but one about finesse. Get situated with the gallery."

Geoff gives them the all clear to leave and Michael and Jeremy head out immediately. Gavin stands up and smiles softly at Ryan but before they get out of the room Geoff swears.

"Fuck me!" Geoff exclaims and looks frustrated. "Gavin, fuck I forgot about this entirely. It's Tuesday."

"Oh christ me too." Gavin replies, his shoulders sinking. "I've got time to do it but Michael's out already."

"Take Ryan with you and you should be fine." Geoff waves his hand but looks relieved. "Just get it done please."

"You can count on us." Gavin replies and grabs Ryan's shoulder.

"What's going on?" Ryan asks Gavin as they walk out of the brief room. Gavin's step is light next to him as always, that familiar smirk on his face. 

"The first Tuesday of every month we've got a meeting with a supplier by the train tracks. They supply us with the latest military grade explosives and it's usually Michael and my job to handle it."

"Okay I get why Michael-" Ryan drawls as they step into the elevator. "But why you?"

"You'll see." Gavin giggles and Ryan's not sure if he likes his tone at all. 

As they arrive at the warehouse by the tracks, Gavin steps out of the car without a second of worry. Ryan knows that his mask is all about confidence, but hidden behind his own mask Ryan's a bit unsure about the entire situation. He squares his shoulders and follows Gavin through the abandoned warehouse, careful to lock eyes with all of the guards around them. Ryan's sure he could take them if needed. 

"Clarissa!" Gavin coos as they get closer to the center of the warehouse. A beautiful brunette stands next to a huge crate, her slender legs and carefully styled outfit making Ryan raise his eyebrow behind his mask. 

Gavin bounds up to Clarissa, her laugh clattering around the empty space and she embraces Gavin. Ryan's hands snap to his weapon but Gavin's quick to calm him down. 

"Well hello." Clarissa coos at Ryan, eyeing him up and down like he's a piece of meat. "You're not the angry one."

"Michael's on another job." Gavin's quick to explain, motioning a bit dismissively at Ryan. "He's just filling in, nothing to worry about."

Clarissa eyes him for a second, her gaze making Ryan a bit uncomfortable but soon enough she returns her attention to Gavin. Her cleavage is clearly visible, barely held back by her thin blouse and Ryan notices how she's sure to lean against Gavin at all times. 

"Gavin darling." Clarissa says, almost sultrily as she leads Gavin to the crate. "The things you asked for."

"You're just the most talented person I know." Gavin murmurs appreciatively as he looks at what's in the box. Even from this distance Ryan can see the stacks of explosives neatly stacked in the crate. Ryan's eyes don't linger too long on the explosives, instead focusing on the way Clarissa's hand hovers on Gavin's ass. 

Ryan's never been much for jealousy but the surge of anger within him at the sight of Clarissa's hands-on policy is undeniable. It crackles within him as he can't stop looking at the way Gavin leans into the touch. Somehow, deep down Ryan knows that this is just how Gavin interacts with this woman to get the best deal, he knows Gavin's a big flirt who uses his looks to get the upper hand. 

But he hadn't prepared how deep the sight of someone else's hands on Gavin, his Gavin, made him feel. He grinds his teeth, his jaw tight under the mask as he restrains himself, the energy within him tightening like a coil and he doesn't even hear their words anymore, he sees only the contact between their bodies, the clear lust in Clarissa's eyes and Gavin's easy body language. 

Clarissa leans in to whisper something in Gavin's ear and Ryan hears nothing more than the sound of blood rushing in his ears. She's too close, to relaxed and Ryan feels sick at the sight of Gavin throwing his head back in laughter before leaning in and pressing a kiss on her cheek. Ryan's fingernails have surely gone through his palms by now, the knuckles of his hands white with the pressure that he's holding back. 

Gavin extracts himself from this woman's claws and motions for Ryan to follow him. The crate is where it stood and Ryan casts one last glare at Clarissa before following Gavin, his movements rigid and controlled as he gets back into the car. 

"It's lunch time." Gavin states as Ryan pulls out of the warehouse yard with more speed than he technically needed. "We could head home to grab something to eat."

Ryan grunts, the energy within him consuming him slowly and he's drowning in the need of making sure Gavin knew whose he was. He steers the car towards his apartment. He feels Gavin's eyes lingering on how hard Ryan's gripping the wheel, knowing Gavin knows something's up. 

Thankfully the ride's short and within moments they're in the elevator. Gavin's chattering about something as usual but Ryan can't seem to focus on his words, just the electrified air between them and the pent up energy that's about to shatter Ryan if these doors doesn't open soon-

The familiar ding of the elevator opening into the apartment is drowned in the surge of need in Ryan and within a blink of an eye he's got Gavin pinned against the wall. Gavin's surprised moan sends shivers through Ryan and he presses Gavin harder against the wall. 

"Rye-"

Ryan's brain is past witty retorts and he's burning with the need to mark Gavin as his. He forgoes every thought that scream at him that's he's being ridiculous or too much like a caveman but his hands roam up Gavin's back, one of them reaching over to clasp around Gavin's windpipe. 

"Mine." Ryan growls into Gavin's ear, his body shaking with the fire that roars within him. That fire is only heightened by the way Gavin melts in his arms, his back arching so that his ass grinds up against Ryan's growing erection. 

"Rye I don't-" Gavin murmurs but Ryan silences him with his sudden movement. One of Ryan's arms grabs hold of both of Gavin's wrists, pinning them down behind his back as the other remains on Gavin's neck. Pinned like this there's not much Gavin can do, not that he seems to want to do anything else, and Ryan's quick on his feet, partially pushing and partially carrying Gavin across the apartment. 

Gavin gasps as his warm skin touches the cold glass that looks out over Los Santos. The afternoon sun shines from behind their apartment, illuminating the city in front of them, not blocking the sight lines from anyone out there. The fire within Ryan consumes him, burns his edges until they're sharper and meaner and he presses Gavin's aching form against the window. 

Gavin's clearly enjoying the way things turned out, his erection building in his pants and pressing against the window. Ryan tightens his grip on Gavin's hands as he leans in, close enough to feel the shivers of pleasure running through the man in his hands. 

"Mine." Ryan's voice is lower, his teeth dragging along Gavin's neck. Gavin's head lulls to the side, his breath hot and heavy as Ryan presses his cock against his ass. It doesn't matter that they're both dressed, there's an urge with which Gavin grinds his ass against Ryan. 

Gavin cries out as Ryan sinks his teeth into the sensitive flesh on his shoulder, his tongue lapping over the bite to soothe the skin. Gavin's squirming, his breath hiking against Ryan's hand, still across his neck. 

"Ryan everyone can see us if they just look up-" Gavin gasps as Ryan proceeds to pull down Gavin's jeans. There's a thrill in his voice, an edge of curiosity blended with his breathy pleasure. 

"I'm going to take you and mark you in front of the entire city just to make sure they know you're mine." Ryan growls, his hand dropping Gavin's arms as he slaps Gavin's bare ass. Gavin moans, pressing himself closer to the glass. Ryan can see the shiver run through his body as Gavin's straining cock touches the cold glass as Ryan's hand makes contact with Gavin's ass again. 

"Fuck Rye-" Gavin pants between Ryan's strikes. The way he breathes Ryan's name makes Ryan splinter with desire, his overwrought mind struggling to maintain itself at the sight and sound of Gavin surrendering to Ryan's control. Ryan's fingers twitch across Gavin's neck, still not tight enough to cut off his air but tight enough to remind Gavin who's in charge. 

There's a sinful arch to Gavin's back as he presses his chest against the glass, his hands holding on to the slippery surface, his ass out to meet Ryan's hand every time and his head tilted back with Ryan's hand clasped over his neck. It's all too much, Ryan's skin prickles with jolts of electricity and his jeans are growing to be to small. 

Gavin moans as Ryan presses his erection against him to let him know how much he's enjoying himself, his breath fogging against the window. Taking an educated guess Ryan reaches down, ignoring Gavin's growing erection to grab the bottle of lube he suspected might be in Gavin's pocket. 

There's something Pavlovian in the way Gavin's body reacts to the sound of the cap popping off. His eyes lull shut, his breath hitches in his throat and his finger curl against the glass window. Ryan drinks it all in, marveling in the way Gavin let's himself go like this, trusting him this much. 

There's nothing more Ryan wants than to just bury himself in Gavin but he's sensible enough to contain himself and the fire that only seems to feed on they way Gavin tightens around his slick finger. Gavin's almost vibrating with energy as Ryan curls his finger and sends jolts of pure pleasure through Gavin. 

There's a divine edge to whatever Gavin does and this is no exception. As Ryan's body moves almost frantically, working to open Gavin enough for him, Ryan's mind is roaring with the knowledge that Gavin's his, here with him and only him and it's driving him insane. He's sure all the stories of people seeing god were true, because he's never been this overcome with pure unadulterated pleasure and divinity than he's now as he pulls his fingers away from Gavin. 

Gavin cries his name, his hands gripping at Ryan behind him as Ryan buries himself in the familiar warmth of Gavin. Ryan feels like he's suffocating in a fog as Gavin pulses around him, taking all of him, writhing in pleasure, his breath heavy under his hand. Ryan feels overcome with the sensation that this is heaven or as close as he'll ever get, his legs shaking with the intensity of the emotional storm within him. 

There's nothing in this wretched world besides Gavin. 

Ryan snaps his hips, pounding into Gavin with a pace that takes even himself out of breath. Gavin's every exhale brings noises Ryan's never heard before, his moans mixing with Ryan's name and the name of gods he'll never know. Gavin's arching into his hips, his ass slamming against Ryan's hips with every thrust and the entire world seems to consist of just them and the wet sounds of pleasure around them. 

"Mine." Ryan whispers, leaning in next to Gavin's ear. "Mine."

"Yours." Gavin cries out, his mouth hanging open to keep up with the sounds of pleasure pouring out of him. Ryan feels like he's being pulled apart and compressed at the same time, his pleasure so otherworldly. It's the realization that brings weakness to his knees, makes his heart stutter and stumble and his mind shatters with the weight of this. 

This man is his. 

Gavin's hot against him, his skin sending fires through Ryan and his pace is unrelenting as he pushes them both towards the edge. Gavin's so close already and Ryan clamps his hand tighter against Gavin's neck and that's all it takes for him to shatter in his arms. Gavin's pulsing around him, and his cries of pleasure accompany Ryan as he stumbles after Gavin into the sweet bliss of pleasure. 

They both collapse against the window. Gavin turns around, his sore ass pressing against the cool surface of the window as he wraps his arms around Ryan, his fingers brushing through his hair, pressing soft kisses across Ryan's face as Ryan tries to regain his breathing. 

"Rye." Gavin whispers fondly as Ryan opens his eyes and looks straight into Gavin's sparkling green eyes. "You don't have anything to worry about. I've only got eyes for you." 

"I know that." Ryan replies sheepishly, leaning into Gavin's warm touch. There's a lingering sense of contentment that flutters within Ryan as he rests his forehead against Gavin. Their breaths are far from even, their mixed breaths making them both delightfully dizzy. "I don't know what got into me."

"I get it." Gavin smiles, pressing a kiss against Ryan's lips. He's soft and sweet like usual, the kiss sensing no time nor space. Gavin's just so right against him. "I'd go a bit mad in the same situation. And it's not like I had a bad time, the opposite actually."

Ryan captures Gavin's lips against his again, his legs starting to feel like his own yet again and he picks Gavin up in his arms. Gavin's legs are still bound by his jeans as they hadn't bothered removing them all the way but they both just laugh as Gavin tries to wrap his legs around Ryan. 

"Come on, we need a shower." Ryan states, his arms brushing against Gavin's bare skin in a way that sends heat pooling into his stomach where it mixes with a deep sense of contentment. Although he knew that Gavin's his, that they're whatever they might be, there's still a sense of relief and pride that lingers on the tip of his tongue as he carries Gavin upstairs.


	20. Chapter Twenty

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Happy Tuesday!
> 
> I'm so grateful to you all for sticking with me and encouraging me with your comments and kudos. ❤
> 
> I'm not going to lie, I was on track to finishing this story without another short hiatus but that plan is out the window. The courses I need to finish in April really cut down the time I've usually had for writing and the remaining time has been funneled towards the sequel of my other story as that's currently the project that's on my mind. I hope you guys understand, I mean I've got this arc written but the fourth and final arc might be a ways out. God, I really wish it didn't have to be but life is kicking me around with iron boots.
> 
> EDIT: Whoops! I was supposed to publish this on Tuesday, but it's Monday! I'm really messed up with the days guys, so have this early chapter! ❤

The suit is fitted and warm on Ryan's shoulders as he laughs at the crappy joke the gallery curator threw out there. Judging by the laughter that echoes in the small gallery he's either with the most stupid people in the world or the best actors. 

Undercover missions are always hard in more than one way but there's nothing more in this world that drains Ryan more than the incessant chatter of vein people pretending that they're better than the people mulling outside the large windows facing the world. 

Ryan sips the champagne in his hands and laughs as the group mull around the gallery. To be honest there's not much to see, a few abstract pieces that didn't elicit any emotional response from him although the large piece in the corner looked like the floor after one of his hits. The red stains really bring out the grey scale and although it's hideous to look at Ryan's not bored to death by it as he's with the others. 

Lindsay drapes herself on his arm and Ryan pulls her closer. He's careful to keep his hands in check so that he might survive meeting her actual husband. Michael seems like the sort to not take that kind of things lightly. 

"Darling, I need to see this one closer!" Lindsay gasps, throwing her hair over her shoulder dramatically as she pulls Ryan away from the group. 

"Thanks." Ryan whispers as they move away from the group. Lindsay nods slightly, a warm smile on her face. 

"You looked like you might be plotting each of their tragic accidents." Lindsay says, and Ryan doesn't have to fake this laugh. 

"You're not too far off." He confesses ad lets his eyes scan the room once more, his eyes trying to pinpoint the rotation of the security cameras. 

Lindsay leans against Ryan, scribbling notes on her phone as they pretend to be engaged in a discussion about the hideously orange piece in front of them. 

"The guards are not an issue." Lindsay notes quietly. Ryan looks around at the guard who looks like he's sleeping upright in the corner of the room. 

"Even if he would notice something I'd be able to take him down without him even knowing about it." Ryan replies. "The cameras don't cover the street outside, so they won't be able to get the license of the getaway car either."

"Easy peasy." Lindsay smiles. "Gavin's got the hard part with the systems and all."

"How so?" 

"It's nothing he can't handle." Lindsay assures him with a nonchalant wave of her hand. "It's one of the more complex systems but he's cracked it before."

"I trust him." Ryan replies, returning his gaze to the painting. "Do you see a dog in that splatter?"

Lindsay tilts her head and stares at the painting. 

"Looks more like a cow."

"Christ you're blind as a bat."

"Oh, it might be a bat." Lindsay replies, sticking her tongue out at him. Ryan laughs, the sensation of a genuine laugh still feeling odd in their surroundings. 

Working with Lindsay had proved to be surprisingly easy. As soon as he was alone with her he realized how well she matches with Michael. Both explosive personalities, an affinity towards fire and chaos, they truly are a match made in heaven. Not only that, they both seem to be more perceptive than they let outsiders believe. Ryan's sure she knows he's hiding something from her, but he doesn't want to let her know about him and Gavin. 

Lindsay proves to be very adept at the entire gala thing. She's fluent in bullshitting and her social skills rival everyone in the crew. Ryan's happy to let her charm the people around them so he'll be able to observe the gallery and its guards.

In that regards there's not much to see. Ryan's mapped all the cameras and the guards and besides there's not much he needs to know if things go accordingly to plan. He'll just buy the paintings and then Gavin will do the hard work of reversing the payments. All he needs to do is to smile and charm and get out before they notice anything. 

Lindsay signals him, and he goes through the motions of making an exit. Yes, he's so sad to be leaving and of course he'll be back. It's tiring really. Although it's not hard for him to socialize he has to admit that committing a massacre takes much less out of him. 

He slumps behind the wheel of his sleek black car with the tinted windows and pulls his tie looser as Lindsay sits down next to him. Her black dress rides up as she settles in, kicking her heels off. 

"Fuck the person who invented heels." She mutters as she pulls her hair into a loose bun. "You sure you got everything?"

"Yeah, not much to see." Ryan replies, taking his time riding back to the office. He's almost entirely sure that nobody's following them but to be safe he takes the long way around and avoids drawing too much attention. Lindsay pulls out her notes as he drives, and they go over everything once again. 

The sun's starting to set as they get near the base and Lindsay yawns widely. 

"It's been a long day huh." Ryan says as he maneuvers the car around what seems to be an elderly driver. Lindsay nods as she stretches her shoulders. 

"God I could sleep for days." She murmurs. Ryan hums his agreement. "I envy you."

"Why?"

"You get to sleep alone. It's not like sleeping with Michael is terrible but he's been out with the lads today, so he'll sleep like a rock and hog all the covers." Lindsay replies with a groan, but Ryan senses the amusement behind her voice.

Ryan laughs with her but there's a heaviness inside him. He knows how hard it was to sleep alone now that he's got Gavin next to him and although he knows Lindsay's only poking fun there's an urge to just tell her. He suppresses that quickly and just focuses on the road ahead of them.

"You got your sights on someone?" Lindsay asks after she settles down. There's a curious twinkle in her eyes and Ryan forces himself to stay calm. She doesn't seem to know about him and Gavin, although Michael was the one to key him into this whole situation. 

"You know how it is with this line of work." Ryan replies, careful to keep his answer vague. Lindsay nods sympathetically next to him and seems none the wiser. 

"I'm sure you'll find someone." Lindsay says with a smile and a pat on the shoulder. 

\---

The car is quiet as Ryan climbs into it later. Truth be told, he likes spending time with her but it's been a long day and he's not as accustomed to working with the programs she was showing him. He'll happily leave most of that stuff to Gavin. 

"Speak of the devil." Ryan mumbles, dragging his phone out from his pocket to check the text message he got. Gavin's meeting him at the apartment which is fine by Ryan, the drive there is short and the quietness that surrounds him is soothing. 

He doesn’t bother with music, letting the sounds of the finely tuned engine lull him into a state of peace as he pulls out of the garage at the base. His leather jacket feels so heavy and hot against him and he's in a desperate need of a nap and a shower. 

He suspects Gavin might be as well. He knows that Gavin spent the entire day rehearsing the systems at the gallery, finding out vulnerabilities and exploits he can use during the hit. They've both had a long day and Ryan suspects he won't need to work hard to convince Gavin a quiet night might be in order. 

He smiles as he pulls up the street, seeing Gavin leaning against the door to the garage. He motions him to follow him in as he drives through the door, parking and stepping out as Gavin reaches him. 

"Tough day?" Gavin asks, slumping next to Ryan as they step into the elevator to ride up to Ryan's apartment. There's a slight blackness across Gavin's face and Ryan's sure that he didn't spend his entire day with his computers, but some of it with the other lads. 

Ryan grunts his reply, the tiredness taking over his bones and it's suddenly very hard to keep his head up. He rests is against the elevator wall and they fall silent as they ride up. Gavin presses himself against Ryan's side and he throws his arm around Gavin, pulling him closer, settling into a comfortable position. 

The apartment is quiet and dark as they step out into it. Ryan grunts as he throws his bag on the dining table, and Gavin kicks his shoes off, thudding against the wall. 

"God I'm starving." Gavin mutters, stretching his arms above his head as he yawns. Ryan's eyes are drawn to the sliver of skin that is exposed across his stomach as his shirt rides up. Ryan's hands reach out to brush against that divine skin and he pulls Gavin in for a kiss. 

It's as if the universe breathes as Gavin kisses him back. There's a profound tiredness in their movements, both of them happy to just hold each other without any hurry in the world. Gavin's warm against him, Ryan's body feeling sluggish and warm holding on to Gavin and he can taste the gunpowder on Gavin's lips. 

"You taste like gunpowder." Ryan whispers as they break for air. Gavin huffs out an amused puff of air, his sunglasses still reflecting Ryan's painted face back to him. 

"Michael miscounted the amount." Gavin explains as Ryan brushes his fingers up Gavin's face, reaching for Gavin's glasses. Gavin's eyes are green and twinkling with emotion as Ryan removes his sunglasses, throwing them on the kitchen island behind him. "Come on."

Ryan lets himself be pulled by Gavin, letting him lead the way upstairs and into the bathroom. Gavin's humming softly, a song Ryan's heard before and he lets himself be pushed down on the edge of the bathtub. Gavin's moving softly, almost floating in his movement as he wets a towel. 

Ryan melts into the warm towel as Gavin moves to wash his face. There's a tingling in his bones as the tenderness of Gavin's soft movements, his hand guiding the soft towel, wiping away the day, wiping away the mask. Ryan's chest swells at that realization, grabbing Gavin's hand and stopping him. 

"I love you." He whispers, his hand holding Gavin's hand on his face, his eyes looking up at Gavin's face. The light from the lights paint golden tones across Gavin's skin, enhancing the goldness of his accessories, his eyes twinkling with flecks of gold. 

The universe floats away as he looks up at Gavin, not fearing anything as long as he can be with Gavin. His mouth falls open, his eyes flooding with emotions. He looks godlike, and Ryan's breathless, helpless as he floats in his insignificance as he's in the presence of a god. 

Time compresses, it feels like he's known for centuries, he's been here for centuries, and at the same time he's not been with Gavin more than a fraction of the time he needs and there's an almost frantic fluttering within him. Gavin's too good, he's all Ryan's not but there's no doubts in Ryan anymore. 

Gavin's lips press against him, the softness contrasted by a force behind Gavin's movements that startles Ryan with its magnitude. Gavin's hands are strong on Ryan's face, his body shivering with the need to be closer still, their noses mushing together. 

"God me too." Gavin breathes, his furrowed brow smoothing out with a laugh. "God that's not what I meant, fuck Rye. Goddamn I love you too."

Ryan feels odd all over. He's floating away, his lips desperately finding Gavin's once more, yet at the same time he's not surprised. It's as if he's always known, his chest still filling with a breathtaking force that makes him tingle all over with delight. Gavin's just so right in his arms, his lips against his, his warm hands on his face. 

"You're such a dork." Gavin breathes and the smile on his face makes Ryan shatter with happiness. "Can I please clean your face now?" 

Ryan laughs but lets go of his hands and Gavin smiles fondly at him as he wets the towel once more. 

Gavin continues to wash away Ryan's mask and Ryan can't help but to look at him. Ryan's filled with amazement that makes it hard for him to form words, the disbelief of his luck lingering with the absolute love pooling in his stomach. Gavin's movements are soft and through and Ryan feels all the tension in his body leave him with each brush. 

Gavin looks him over, his eyes twinkling with delight, finally nodding and pressing a soft chaste kiss on Ryan's lips.

"My turn." Ryan rasps, his voice heavy with emotions as Gavin moves to rinse the now ruined towel. Gavin smiles as Ryan presses a soft kiss on his lips, the taste of gunpowder metallic against the soft sweetness of Gavin and Ryan can't get enough of him. 

He brushes his hands through Gavin's hair, ruffling it up as his eyes never leave Gavin's. There's a deep softness in them, Gavin's eyes almost glittering with gold and green. Ryan's hands move behind Gavin's back, his fingers undoing the clasp of his necklace and the sound of the metal clattering against the porcelain of the sink echoes in the room. 

Gavin's breath is heavy as Ryan moves to remove the golden watch and the golden rings, careful to place a kiss against the spot he leaves naked. There's jolts of electricity that flow through him every time his lips brush against Gavin's skin and he feels dizzy with the emotional storm that rages through him. 

Gavin's fingers tilt Ryan's head up as he presses the last kiss against Gavin's wrist. Gavin's hot against him, his lips moving slowly but with passion that stokes the fires within Ryan. There's no need to take this further, the way their arms embrace each other making sure the other's still there. Ryan's sure he'll shatter the moment he's without Gavin. 

Gavin brushes Ryan's jacket off his shoulders. It pools with a thud on the floor as Ryan unbuttons Gavin's shirt, letting it float down Gavin's arms, their jeans dropping around them as Ryan guides Gavin into the large shower, pulling him with him into the stream of warm water. 

The water hammers around them and washes away the day as Gavin wraps his arms around Ryan. Ryan runs his fingers softly through Gavin's hair, smiling as Gavin all but purrs in his arms. There's an odd sense of serenity in Ryan that he's not sure what to do with, the lightness somehow illuminating corners of his body that he's not seen before due to the darkness. With Gavin here in his arms there's a lightness to his being that he never even imagined would be something he'd experience during his lifetime, he's already surrendered to the darkness of their work. 

"You're amazing." Ryan says softly, pressing a kiss on Gavin's forehead. Gavin just laughs at him, pressing a kiss on his lips. 

"You're such a nerd." Gavin whispers but there's a fondness in his voice that makes Ryan's knees weak. 

Ryan silences Gavin by washing his hair and he swears he's never seen a person be so much like a cat than Gavin is. He's purring with delight and pressing himself closer to Ryan as he massages his scalp before washing away the grime of the day. There's a lightness in Ryan's heart as he smiles at Gavin's complete trust in him, the knowledge of Gavin's love and trust fueling the fire within him.

Ryan bends his knees ever so slightly so that Gavin reaches up properly and he has to admit that it feels heavenly to have Gavin's skillful fingers massage his scalp, washing away the worries of the day. Gavin's so warm and like a beacon next to him, he's sure he'll feel his presence even if they're miles away. He wants nothing more than to spend every moment of this cursed life next to Gavin, to feel his warmth pour out of his skin next to his. 

"Movie night?" Gavin asks as they finally emerge out of the shower. His hair is dripping water everywhere as he reaches for a towel. Ryan's eyes trace the shape of him, his eyes memorizing every inch of his skin. There's a more profound fondness he has for Gavin's skin now after he knows how much this means for both of them. 

"Sounds amazing." Ryan replies, drying off as he moves to the bedroom to pull on sweatpants. Gavin presses past him, grabbing one of the pairs of sweatpants Ryan stores here, laughing at the way his pants fit Gavin. "You really need to get clothes your size here."

"I don't know, I kinda like this." Gavin replies, pressing a kiss on Ryan's lips. He's warm after the shower, their bare upper bodies pressing against each other as Gavin deepens the kiss. Gavin's tongue is strong against his, tracing the edge of his lips, his taste mixing with Ryan's and Ryan's hands tighten their grip on Gavin. 

"You're a handful." Ryan replies as they break for air. 

"You know you love it." Gavin's smile borders to his smirk and Ryan's sure this man will be the death of him in one way or another and he can't make himself be bothered about it. If he died now he'd die happy. 

"I do, god help me." Ryan replies with a smile, and his chest feels too full once more as Gavin laughs as he darts out of the bedroom to order them food. 

Ryan pats down the stairs a few moments later, his towel discarded in the bathroom after he dried off. Gavin's busy in the kitchen, trying to decide between two pamphlets In his hand.

"Chinese or Thai?" Gavin yells from the kitchen as Ryan moves to light the fireplace in the living room. 

"Surprise me." Ryan replies, walking around the couch to make room for them. He gets the idea that Gavin's muffled reply is not all that friendly, and he smiles fondly as he moves the larger pillows to make the hard couch a bit comfier. 

As Ryan moves to dim the lights and get the movie ready Gavin emerges from the kitchen with a glasses and drinks. 

"It's Chinese today." Gavin states, brushing past Ryan to set the glasses down. "Should be here in half an hour."

Ryan steals a kiss as Gavin straightens and he lingers in the soft sweetness of kissing Gavin that never seems to falter. Gavin's fingers intertwine into his hair, his touch warm and familiar. 

"You pick the movie." Ryan says, sitting down on the couch. He arranges the pillows behind him and pulls Gavin close against his side as he sits down with the tablet in his hand. Gavin curls his legs under him as he leans against Ryan, using him as a pillow and Ryan swears he's in heaven as Gavin presses play and rests his head against Ryan's shoulder.

The movie is one Ryan's not seen before and he immerses himself in the plot as Gavin throws comments in appropriate places, explaining the story of the prequels and Ryan loves the way Gavin rants about this silly movie. He runs his fingers up and down Gavin's arm as he listens, laughing at Gavin's remarks and he knows he'll never enjoy a movie without Gavin's comments and the warm weight of his body next to him.

The doorbell chimes and Ryan's quick to move, reassuring Gavin that he'll take it. He moves carefully from under Gavin to open the door. He hears Gavin pause the movie as he hurries to pay the delivery person. The gangly teenager looks bored and barely says a word to him but Ryan's too happy to even bother with him. 

With the bag in his hand he returns to the living room, his bare feet tapping against the floor. He stops as he glances at the living room. Gavin's sprawled on the couch, his hair still a bit wet and the light from his phone illuminates him in a way Ryan's not seen before. 

There's an odd sense of calm within Ryan as he watches Gavin finish sending his message and look up at him, smiling softly as their eyes meet. 

"What you looking at?" Gavin asks, motioning for Ryan to move. "I'm starving."

"Wouldn't want that." Ryan replies, pushing aside the way his heart hammers like he's dying. He's never felt this full of happiness ever in his life and as he sits down and feels Gavin's sleepy warmth radiate around him as he digs in the bag for his food he can't help the way he looks at Gavin. 

There's a softness to everything Gavin does that Ryan's never noticed before. He's graceful in a way only a few people are, the way his tanned skin moves in tandem with his lean muscles makes Ryan understand every holy text in the world. He thanks Gavin as he gives him his takeout and they settle back into the couch, Gavin's warmth next to him like an anchor he's sure he'll die without.


	21. Chapter Twenty-One

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi, um and I'm sorry?
> 
> It wasn't my meaning to let this sit without an update for this long but as those who read my other fics know life's been... shitty in a major way lately and writing hasn't even been on the list of things to worry about let alone actually do. I'm sorry.
> 
> I've got the rare opportunity this weekend to go through my drafts and fix them up, but I haven't had the time to write the fourth arc for this series. I'll update and publish all of the third arc soon, maybe this coming week or by the week after that. After that it's going to take a lot of work from my side to get the fourth arc done and that might take a while. I'm sorry. 
> 
> ❤

Ryan jolts up, his breath racing as he struggles to see the room around him. It's still early, the room dark and the shadows long as his hand wraps around the pistol he keeps by his bed. The air is heavy and Ryan's eyes dart around the room to see the thing that startled him. 

It takes him longer than he likes to figure out where he is. This isn't his usual apartment by the sea, no this is the flat in Eclipse Towers where he's been staying for weeks now with Gavin. 

"Gavin?" Ryan asks softly in the darkness, his mind still buzzing with danger as he looks at the empty bed. 

He remembers Gavin having to leave in the early hours of the night to go deal with some last minute heist prep. Ryan's shoulders relax a bit but he still stands up from the bed, the pistol still in his hand. He makes his way softly through the apartment but he doesn't see anything that would've woke him up in terror. 

Ryan ends up in the kitchen, the pistol clattering against the marble countertop as he breathes deep. He closes his eyes- 

_Her eyes are unseeing, the skin around them glistening with the water she's been submerged in. Ryan knows too much to not see the way her eyes are bloodshot, the veins in her face damaged. She didn't die easily, her hands clutching her chest with broken fingernails._

_Ryan can't breathe but he can't let it know. He had to do impossible things to be allowed to see her one last time, to ease the turmoil within him. The coroner is speaking french, Ryan can't hear most of it as he focuses on how Julia's once so shiny hair is matted and destroyed by the elements._

_Her eyes stare at him, those once so gorgeous green eyes that seemed to see into his soul- No wait this isn't Julia-_

_"Why did you let them kill me Rye?"_

_Gavin's voice is broken, the tone accusing in a way that destroys Ryan's soul with ease. That once so vibrantly golden hair is matted, his tanned skin grey against the cold metal table he's laid on. His eyes stare at him, brimming with accusation and Ryan can't breathe-_

_Gavin's hand is on Ryan's throat, his grip so cold, it's too cold, too tight-_

_"Why did you let me die Rye?"_

_Ryan gasps, his hands clawing Gavin's dead hands but deep down Ryan knows he deserves this, he shouldn't have let him die, why did Gavin die-_

_"Why do you kill everything you touch Ryan?"_

_Ryan's eyes snap away from Gavin's unseeing eyes to the source of the voice. Julia stands behind Gavin, behind the table. Her hair drips with seawater, her broken body twisting in sickening ways as she stares at him. Ryan sees the crew behind him, all accusing him, all dead-_

_"We didn't have to die Ryan-"_

_"Your fault-"_

_"You monster-"_

_"You didn't help me-"_

_"You killed me-"_

Ryan stumbles back against the fridge with a clatter as he opens his eyes, his nightmare so vivid in front of him. Their eyes follow him, as he digs his palms into his eyes trying to suffocate them away from him. He tried, he tries his best he never wanted for them to die- 

"Rye?" 

Ryan straightens himself as he hears Gavin return. He's quick to brush his hair away from his face and put his best smile forward.

Gavin turns around the corner with a smile that falters when he sees Ryan in the kitchen, the pistol on the counter and Ryan knows Gavin sees right through him. 

"What's wrong?" Gavin asks, placing his bags on the counter as he walks around it. Ryan draws a shaky breath as Gavin gets near, he can't seem to shake the image of Gavin's dead body from his mind. Gavin stops just in front of Ryan, sensing his discomfort. "What happened Rye?"

"It's nothing-" Ryan lies easily enough but he sees Gavin's eyebrow shoot up his forehead in blatant disbelief. "It's nothing more than a bad dream."

"You want to talk about it?" Gavin asks softly, his hand reaching for Ryan's and he doesn't flinch away. The moment Gavin's hand touches Ryan's he feels the warmth. His hand is warm and alive against his and he breathes deep with relief. He steps forward and wraps his arms around Gavin, burying his face into Gavin's soft hair. 

"You're alright love." Gavin whispers, his hands tightening around him, his hand coming up to cup the back of Ryan's neck. "You're alright."

"That's my line." Ryan whispers and feels Gavin stiffen a bit in his arms before he returns to paint soft circles on his back. 

"I'm alright Rye." Gavin replies immediately. "I'm unharmed, I'm here Rye."

Ryan's chest compresses and he feels all his words fall through him. He presses his face closer to Gavin, allowing him to hold him for a while as he tries to wrap his mind around his nightmare. He's only seen Julia's body, the rest of them are alive and well. He's alright, they're all alright and there's nothing that threatens them here. 

Gavin's touch feels comforting like nothing else, his soft murmuring so sweet against Ryan's mind that's been shattered through out the years. His heart flutters wildly, his love so over pouring that he doesn't know what to do with it. Gavin's immediate response to his fears makes him love him even more, there's no need to explain to him if he doesn't want to. Gavin knows this, this crippling fear of losing everything. 

They stay like this for a while, Gavin's so stable against him that he's sure he plans to stand here for eternity if he needs to. Ryan pulls back ever so slightly, looking into Gavin's eyes. The greenness in them is more prominent than ever before, worry dancing with love behind his eyes as he looks at Ryan. 

Ryan presses their lips together, his lips desperate to taste Gavin and make sure that he's truly here. Gavin kisses him back, reassuring him and Ryan can taste the love the pours from Gavin. It feels like it takes his feet away from underneath him, his own heart stuttering with the intensity of it all. 

"Love you." Ryan whispers against Gavin's lips. 

"Love you too." Gavin replies, his eyes twinkling with earnest emotions. "You wanna talk about it?"

"Maybe later." Ryan says, turning to look at the bags Gavin brought with him. "What's up with this?"

Gavin casts one last look at him but allows him to change the subject. Gavin moves to the bags with a smile on his face. 

"Everything's done for the heist and Geoff allowed us the day off to get us sharp for tomorrow." Gavin explains quickly and pulls out groceries he bought. "So I thought about spending our day off with cuddling, games and good food!"

"That sound amazing." Ryan replies and smiles. It's exactly what he needs. He suspects it's the fact that he fell asleep without Gavin that triggered his nightmare and spending the day with him seems like a good remedy. Ryan moves to Gavin's side to see what he brought. "Pasta?"

"Yeah I've been craving it. I thought I'd make the family recipe and blow your mind."

"That sounds like a challenge." Ryan laughs as he helps Gavin put away the groceries. "But I'm always up for someone else to cook."

"You're going to help me." Gavin replies easily and presses a kiss against Ryan's lips. Ryan can't help but to float in the lightness of it all, the domesticity and the comfortable ease with which Gavin's made himself at home here. 

"Oh really?" Ryan asks. "What makes you think I'd do that?"

"Pretty please?" Gavin asks, his eyes twinkling with delight as he leans against Ryan. The groceries forgotten, his eyes staring into Ryan's soul and his hands brush against Ryan's chest. Ryan knows they both know that Ryan would've helped him no matter what but he appreciates the effort Gavin's making. 

"Only because you asked so nicely." Ryan replies easily and his heart flutters at the way Gavin's face lights up with laughter. 

"You're a dork."

"Love you too."

Ryan takes the time to recheck everything for the heist tomorrow as Gavin takes a shower. The soft hum of the shower upstairs soothes Ryan as he pulls his laptop to the kitchen and goes over the plan once more. There's nothing unclear, everything's been thought of and there's nothing indicating a blind spot. He's just going to buy the painting and leave. Easy peasy. 

The sun is pouring into the apartment by the time Gavin emerges back down with his hair still drip drying and dressed in a t-shirt and sweatpants. Ryan pulls on his hoodie on top of his pajamas and decides that's good enough. Gavin looks absolutely edible like this, his golden edges smooth. Mortal instead of divine. 

Gavin beckons Ryan to join him on the couch and Ryan's more than happy to join him. Gavin sits down in the middle of the couch and Ryan doesn't hesitate to lay his head on Gavin's lap, curling up to watch the TV. If Gavin's surprised he doesn't let it know, just runs his fingers through Ryan's hair as they wait for the Xbox to boot up. 

Gavin's humming something soft and Ryan rests his eyes, focusing on the sensation of Gavin's fingers brushing away the tension in his body. Ryan moves slightly to pull a thin pillow between his head and Gavin's lap as Gavin reaches for his controller. 

"Making yourself cozy love?" Gavin smiles as he leans back against the backrest to give him enough space to not hit Ryan with his controller. "Planning on making it difficult for me to focus?"

"Always." Ryan smiles. 

"Let's make this interesting." Gavin replies, browsing through his games before stopping on one of them. "Let's see who's the better killer."

"Hitman?" Ryan looks up from the screen. "Are you kidding me? It's our day off and you want to kill people?"

"Scared?" Gavin throws back at him and Ryan can't help but to laugh. Scared? 

"It's on, Free."

Ryan has to admit that Gavin's really good at playing the game even though he's not nearly as efficient with stealth outside of the game. Ryan brushes soft circles on Gavin's knee as he rests back into his lap and watches Gavin worm his way into the mansion to search for his target. 

Gavin manages to complete the mission and his smile is triumphant as he returns to the main menu. Ryan just raises his eyebrow at his confidence. He's played this one before, he knows what he's doing. He does this for a living for crying out loud.

Turns out that experience in real life rarely translates to a game.

"Aw c'moon that's hardly realistic!" Ryan exclaims as he's killed but Gavin's just smirking at him. "There's no way that would've worked, I've done that in real life!"

"You know the rules." Gavin sings and although Ryan wants to complain he throws his t-shirt off him. Gavin's eyes are drawn to Ryan's chest as he passes the controller back. Ryan's mind is flushed with desire at the clear hunger in Gavin's eyes but he's determined to win this game. He knows exactly how he's going to do it.

Gavin starts the level and Ryan leans back against the backrest, making sure that he positions himself just in the periphery of Gavin's sight lines. He stretches out his hands on the backrest, making sure to present the best side of him to Gavin. Ryan's smirk only grows as he sees Gavin fumble at the beginning of the level. 

"I know what you're doing Ryan." Gavin bites out, throwing an accusatory glare at Ryan but it melts as he sees Ryan just raise his eyebrow innocently, leaning against his knees to flex his arms. He knows it's driving Gavin insane and he's loving it. 

"I've got no idea what you're accusing me of."

Gavin huffs and tries to focus on the game. Ryan knows it's a losing game he's fighting and it doesn't take long before Gavin overextends and dies. Ryan can't help the excitement that bubbles within him as he watches Gavin pout but remove his t-shirt. 

Ryan finds out that two can play the same game. Gavin's plastered against Ryan's arm and Ryan can feel the electricity between them as Gavin presses soft kisses on his neck. Ryan finds it extremely difficult to focus on anything else than the soft hum that runs through him. Gavin's touch is hot and he wants nothing more than to have his way with him but he's too competitive to lose. 

Gavin bites his earlobe at just the perfect moment to make Ryan fall down into a crowd of enemies. Ryan doesn't even bother watching the death animation as he turns to look at Gavin who looks so smug that it makes Ryan fill with determination. They're both in this game, they both know the end result but there's too much fun to be had to skip it all.

Ryan hands Gavin his controller and makes sure to stand next to him as he removes his sweatpants, making sure to give Gavin a show he's not going to forget. Gavin's eyes are glued to Ryan and he doesn't even notice that his character is entering a restricted zone. His eyes snap back to the game but it's too late. 

Ryan sits back down, leaning triumphantly against the backrest in his underwear as Gavin puts the controller down. 

"Ryan, that's not fair-"

"Strip."

Gavin sighs as he stands up his hands undoing the tie on his sweatpants. Ryan reaches for the controller, making sure to press a soft kiss on Gavin's hipbone as he passes. Gavin shivers as Ryan returns to the game. In the corner of his eye he sees Gavin's naked form sit back down on the couch. 

"Going commando?"

"Didn't think this was going to be a strip game." Gavin replies with a shrug. He doesn't seem all that upset about how things turned out and that makes Ryan suspect he's got something else on his mind. 

"What's on your mind Gav?"

"Double or nothing." Gavin's reply is immediate. "If you lose this game I get another shot."

"Sure." Ryan replies as he's already mostly done. There's nothing that could distract him so bad that he'll fuck this thing up. 

He's wrong. Gavin's hand sneak up Ryan's thigh as he sees Gavin position himself off the couch in between his legs. Ryan's mind goes blank but he's not in a position he could just hide, he has to keep going. Gavin knows this and he knows Ryan's too aroused to even think about denying Gavin's advances. 

Gavin's hands are so warm on his inner thighs, his lips pressing soft kisses and Ryan can't help but to groan as he feels Gavin mouth over his cock, already hard and rearing to go. 

"Gavin-"

"Shouldn't you be focusing on the game love?" Gavin replies and as Ryan casts a frustrated glance downward he sees Gavin, naked and kneeling between his legs, his eyes dark with lust and his lips wet. Gavin looks gorgeous like this and Ryan's protests die in his throat. 

Gavin's fingers dip into Ryan's underwear and he starts to pull them down. Ryan shivers at the sensation of his underwear being pulled down so slowly and he can't look away from Gavin's sinful eyes. 

The sound of his death startles him and he sees his character get shot down. Gavin's head twists to the TV and as he turns back there's a triumphant smirk on his face. Ryan's not even all that mad that he fell into Gavin's trap but he doesn't like losing even if it means Gavin's hands removing his underwear from him. 

"My turn." Gavin sings as he reaches for the controller. 

"Here." Ryan replies honoring the agreement but as Gavin grabs it Ryan's sure to grab Gavin. He pulls him into his lap, his hardness evident against Gavin's naked ass as he presses himself against him. "I saved you a seat."

"How kind of you." Gavin moans. His ass moves against Ryan's cock and they both lean into the pleasure. "I'll just win and it's settled."

Ryan just hums with a smile, already pressing kisses against Gavin's shoulder and up his neck. Gavin's utterly fucked and they both know it but Gavin still tries. Ryan doesn't even bother to look at the screen as he focuses all of him to distract Gavin. 

He presses his cock against Gavin's back, letting his hands roam against Gavin's chest and as his teeth graze against Gavin's neck he lets his hand drop down to Gavin's hard cock. He's as ready to go as Ryan's and Ryan feels Gavin's moan rumble through him as Ryan strokes him. 

"Not fair-" Gavin gasps, throwing his head back against Ryan's shoulder. 

"You want me to stop?" Ryan asks already knowing the answer. 

"God no." 

Gavin throws his controller away and turns around in Ryan's arms. Ryan can't help but to bask in the glory of having won, at least in his own mind. Their growing pleasure hard against each other, Gavin's lips so close to Ryan's as he pulls him closer. Gavin straddles him, his breath so heavy against Ryan's face that he feels light and dizzy with pleasure. 

"Rye-" Gavin pants as Ryan's hands travel up Gavin's back. Gavin's fingers are so hot against Ryan's face, his forehead presses against him, their lips barely touching as they share their air. 

The pleasure within Ryan feels different, more intense but in a different way. When it was previously all about fires and flames, Ryan seems to float on another plane. It's lighter but still equally dark as Ryan gives into it, his hands digging into Gavin's naked ass. 

"God you're so gorgeous." Ryan mumbles, his lips pressing against Gavin's with a hunger that floors him. Gavin's tongue swirl around Ryan's, his hands pulling Ryan closer. Ryan's hands dips down Gavin's spine, parting his cheeks as Gavin melts in his arms.

"I prepped in the shower." Gavin moans, his hand reaching for Ryan's cock. Ryan's toes curl at the mere words."Just get into me."

"Naughty." Ryan growls against Gavin's neck, leaning into the pleasure. Ryan leans over to the side table, pulling out a small bottle of lube he stashed there just for something like this. He coats himself making sure to spread some on Gavin's ass but Ryan's equally impatient as Gavin is. 

Gavin's moan reverberates through Ryan's soul as he buries his tip in Gavin's warmth. Gavin's shaking in his arms, holding himself up on Ryan's shoulders as Ryan holds on to his ass as he sinks lower and lower inch by inch until he's completely buried in Gavin. 

Gavin's shifting against him, Ryan can feel his muscles ripple inside him and around Ryan's cock as he breathes, his mouth falling open as he rest his forehead against Ryan's. Ryan's twitching to go, the warmth so intoxicating and tight and the way Gavin's breath flutters against his skin is equally distracting. 

After what feels like an eternity of waiting Gavin opens his eyes to look directly into Ryan's eyes, his arms still around Ryan's neck as he swirls his hips. Their moans mix together and Ryan's mind is slipping away as Gavin lifts himself up so slowly before sinking back down. 

"God Gavin you're so tight-" Ryan groans as he helps Gavin move back up on his cock. Gavin moans at his words and together they work up a rhythm that makes them sweat. Their glistening skins shine in the afternoon light as they stare into each others eyes as Gavin bounces up and down. 

The sound of their hips colliding rhythmically fills the room and Ryan feels like it's reverberating in his soul. The sight of Gavin looking at him, his eyes dark with pleasure and his mouth hanging open to allow for his pleasure to pour all over them, it's more than divine. 

"I love you." Gavin moans as he shifts his hips and his eyes roll back as Ryan's thrusts slam into him at just the right angle. "I love you so much Rye-"

"I love you too-" Ryan says between groans as Gavin's warmth pulses around him and Ryan knows they're both close. "God Gavin I love you more than life-"

Gavin presses their lips together, the kiss nothing more than just a token of appreciation as they're starving for air too soon. Gavin's eyes are barely open, determined to look Ryan in the eye as he comes. Ryan's coil is so tight it's about to snap but he wants to see this, his hand reaching between them to stroke Gavin. 

It doesn't take long before Gavin's body quivers and Ryan sees his eyes roll back as Gavin screams his name like he's his god and it's all too much. With Gavin pulsing around him, with his own name echoing in the apartment Ryan lets go and stumbles over the edge with Gavin. 

Ryan let's himself soften within Gavin as they both catch their breaths. Gavin's slumped against him and Ryan wraps his arms around him and brings him even closer to his chest. Gavin noses Ryan's neck as they just gather themselves and float in the lightness within them.

Gavin's just so right against him and Ryan finds himself wanting to share his pain with him. Gavin's fingers brush patterns on Ryan's chest, the same chest that feels like it's bursting with the urge to share and the pain that's behind him, all masked by the profound love he feels for Gavin.

"You were dead. In my nightmare" Ryan replies softly, trying to keep his voice steady but failing miserably. Gavin looks up, his eyes so vibrant as he searches for something in Ryan's eyes. Ryan can't tear his eyes away from Gavin, those haunting green eyes feeling like knives against his skin. He feels like he's being crushed with emotions he's to stubborn to recognize. 

"Where were we?"

"It started as a nightmare I've had before. I'm in the morgue in a small town in southern France. She floated there after- It doesn't matter. She turned into you, your hand was on my-" Ryan stops, he can't say the words out loud but it doesn't seem to matter. Gavin's eyes flash with realization.

"I tried to hurt you?" Gavin asks and although Ryan can see the storm behind his eyes his voice doesn't break. 

"You said it was my fault." Ryan whispers. "And it's true-"

"Stop." Gavin says forcefully, his hand reaching up to cup Ryan's face. "It's never going to be your fault."

"You can't know that." Ryan whispers, his brow furrowed as he feels like he's choking again. Gavin's so warm and soft in his arms and he can't even imagine not having him here. 

"I promise I'll never die Rye." Gavin whispers. 

"That's a promise you can hardly keep." Ryan replies quick even though he wants it to be true with all of his heart. 

"When have I ever not kept my promise?" Gavin says, a smile on his face as he tries to lighten the mood. 

"Well there's-" Ryan starts with a grin on his face as he remembers a few times.

"Besides that time on Vespucci!" Gavin interrupts him immediately. "That was on Michael and you know it."

Ryan laughs at Gavin's pout and presses a kiss against his lips. He swears he'll never get tired of kissing Gavin, of having his taste on his tongue. It's better than life itself, how ever short their violent lives might be. 

It seemed to be easier to live with the constant risk of death before he caved in and allowed himself to love Gavin. That decision is the best one Ryan's ever made, a choice he can't imagine the flip side of, but now with Gavin's warm body against him, his eyes looking into Ryan soul it feels like everything is out to get them.

"I'm serious Ryan." Gavin continues as Ryan falls silent. There's an unwavering resolution in Gavin's gaze, a truth that he's speaking that makes Ryan's chest swell with love. "I won't die if you won't die."

"I'll promise I won't die so you won't die." Ryan replies quickly, pressing his lips against Gavin's once more. He just hopes that their resolutions are enough.

Ryan feels Gavin start to giggle and he pulls away. Gavin's eyes are so lovely like this when he's laughing and Ryan can see the amusement twinkle in his eyes. It's the most precious sight in the world and Ryan wants nothing more than to make sure Gavin keeps laughing every day for the reminder of eternity.

"Why are you laughing?" Ryan asks, his voice laced with curiosity and the profound fondness that seeps through him.

"I can't believe that once again we're naked and having a serious talk." Gavin giggles and Ryan can't help but to join him.


	22. Chapter Twenty-Two

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hey guys, remember me? 
> 
> Ah, I don't really know what to say. It's been a hell of a year, and I got overwhelmed with all of it and just got swallowed up by it all. Writing fell out of my things to do quickly and I've regretted it so much ever since. I'm sorry I've kept you waiting for so long. I aim to complete all of my stories in January and post the one-shots I've written way back in the spring of 2018. I've not written anything since then, and there's going to be a noticeable change in writing style later on when I get to chapters I've written in the past few months. 
> 
> Also, I feel like I need to say this as well. I'm not really as involved in the RT fandom anymore, I watch their videos but I haven't engaged in the fandom since spring. I've kinda gotten roped into a new fandom, so these fics will probably be the last ones I write for AH/RT. It feels bittersweet, but I feel like I've gotten so much joy from the fandom that I shouldn't feel sad about growing and evolving. 
> 
> Anyways. I love you guys so so so so much. Your comments have brightened an otherwise challenging year and your support has meant the world to me. I hope those who have been waiting enjoy these chapters, and that the people who've already moved on are having a wonderful time wherever they might be. 
> 
> Love you all.

Ryan's been involved in heists and in assassinations for years and he's well versed in the familiar fluttering in his stomach the morning of the heist. He wakes up with Gavin sprawled on top of him and he wants nothing more than to stay like that forever. He strokes Gavin's hair out of his face, his fingertips brushing against Gavin's forehead. The fluttering nerves within him feel different this time. Muffled almost. 

Gavin's breath is soft against his skin and Ryan can't help the swelling joy within him as he looks at him. He looks so at peace in his arms, a sight so wonderful that it makes Ryan smile softly. Ryan can't even remember when was the last time he's been sleeping this good, when he's been so filled with energy as he wakes up. Gavin's like a breeze on a hot summer day, a ray of light on a cold winter morning. 

Ryan's gotten his heart stolen by the thief in his arms and he doesn't mind one bit. 

Gavin stirs in his arms and Ryan's stomach twirls as Gavin's sleepy eyes looking into his own. He looks so gorgeous like this, the weight of the world removed from his shoulders, his eyes still so soft and light after his dreams. 

"Why are you staring?" Gavin asks, his voice rough from sleep. There's a confused tilt to his head as he yawns.

"Enjoying the view." Ryan replies and presses a kiss on his forehead. 

"The only acceptable place for that amount of syrup this early is on a huge pile of pancakes." Gavin replies but snuggles closer. "Is it late?"

"Not yet." Ryan answers with a soft laugh, pulling Gavin closer. "We gotta leave in a few hours at the latest but there's on rush yet."

The timetable for the heist is looser than for their previous ones but Geoff insisted that they'd be in the penthouse six hours before go time to go through everything. Ryan's sure the rest of the crew can recite the plan with ease at this point but they all gave in to the old man's anxieties. If this will keep Geoff calm for the day so be it. 

"Nervous?" Gavin asks, the shadow on his face scratching against Ryan's chest as he turns his head to look at him. There's more life in his eyes now, his eyes twinkling with excitement. Ryan's drawn to them, staring into Gavin's soul with ease. 

"Nah." Ryan replies easily enough. "It's not me who's key for this plan."

"But you're the one they'll be shooting at if they figure it out." Gavin replies softly, his fingers reaching up to brush Ryan's hair. "I don't like that."

"You make it seem like I've never been shot at."

"It's different now."

Ryan can't argue. His chest is tight with the mere thought of Gavin being in the line of fire. Ryan hugs Gavin closer, and he feels Gavin press a kiss on his chest. 

"You need to trust that I can handle it." Ryan replies but his words seem stuck in his throat. "I've been shot at before and I've always been alright."

"It only takes one time." Gavin replies and Ryan's heart stumbles at the emotion behind his words. He doesn't care about morning breath or anything as he grabs Gavin's face in his and kisses him. He's desperate to make him understand that there's nothing to worry about even though his own soul quakes with the thought of Gavin even rolling his ankle.

Gavin's brow is furrowed as he kisses him back, his hands cupping Ryan's face, their noses pressing together as they try to comfort each other. 

"I promised not to die if you don't." Ryan whispers between kisses. "I keep my word."

"As do I." Gavin replies but Ryan still sees the lingering worry in his eyes. He knows there's nothing he can say to banish it as there's nothing Gavin could do to ease the worry that eats at him. 

They both drop it and get ready for the day without bringing it up again. Ryan's so thrilled at the domesticity at their lives together. Since that first night he brought Gavin here he's been a constant. Ryan can't help but to smile as he sees Gavin's clothes hung next to his in his closet, the sight of Gavin's toothbrush side by side with his own. 

Gavin promised to make this space feel like a home and that's just what he did. Ryan never doubted Gavin when he gets his mind set on a thing but Ryan's still unsure on if this is a dream. He's never allowed him to feel at home somewhere. His transient life has never allowed it and he's not sure how he ended up like this. 

Gavin's taking his time in the bathroom trying to make his hair stand up just like he wants it. Even Ryan's remark that he likes his hair just as it is falls on deaf ears. Ryan knows it's no use as Gavin's get up is as much a mask as his face paint and his leather jacket is, not to mention the literal mask that rests on the kitchen table. 

Ryan starts to make breakfast in the kitchen as he waits for Gavin to get his hair just right. He works silently, listening to the soft sounds from the bedroom as he sets the table. He can't help but to smile, his entire being so easy even with the heist looming in front of them. 

Gavin hops down the stairs as Ryan's almost done and Gavin makes a detour to the kitchen to kiss the cook. Ryan can taste his toothpaste mix with Gavin's sweetness and his heart dances as Gavin's tongue brushes against his. 

Ryan lets him get pulled to the dining table. Gavin's giddy with excitement and they fall into comfortable chatter as they eat. Ryan's got to admit that the nerves are making themselves known but he knows how to handle it. Gavin's face is so lovely like this, with the morning sun illuminating him with almost golden light as he recounts the story about how he and Michael got into trouble by the airport. Ryan's barely focusing on the story, letting his mind rest at the divine sight in front of him. 

"Hey Gav?" Ryan asks after the story's finished. His stomach flutters with excitement as he watches Gavin look up at him from his coffee cup. 

"What's up?"

"I was thinking when I was making breakfast." Ryan starts, reaching for his coffee to give his hands something to do. "You've been practically living here already and I was thinking about that maybe after this heist you could make the move permanent?"

"Are you asking if I want to move in with you?" Gavin clarifies and continues after Ryan's nod. "Of course, I've been thinking the same. The only thing holding me back has been not wanting to intrude on your personal space."

"I don't think that's possible." Ryan replies easily as he brushes his leg against Gavin. Gavin smiles, and Ryan's mind flutters with the thought of having Gavin live here.

"Do you think we should tell the crew?" Gavin asks. "I mean they're going to notice that I'm not living at my place anymore."

"After the heist maybe?" Ryan replies sipping his coffee. Gavin's right, there's no way to keep it as quiet as they've managed this far if Gavin actually gives up his own apartment. "It's no point bothering them about this before the heist. It's just a distraction."

Gavin agrees with him and they resume their breakfast. Ryan can't stop smiling as they make their way to the penthouse and join the crew for the briefings. They all look like they're ready for this one, as the heist itself is not really all that challenging. Gavin's got the hard part and he assures the crew that he's got it in control. Ryan believes in him. He's willing to lay his life in Gavin's arms and that's basically what he'll be doing. 

It all hangs on Gavin. 

That's why Ryan has to psychically stop him from joining in the chatter of questions after they hear Gavin coo in their earpieces. Ryan's staring at the painting he's supposed to be buying as he listens to the chatter in his ear. He hears the muffled explosions of the ruckus Michael and Jeremy's handling far away from there, the panicked yelling from Geoff asking what's going on and the exasperated sigh from Jack. 

"Gavin found an alley cat." Jack explains as Ryan tries to focus on his work. There's a few other patrons in the gallery and he doesn't mind waiting at all. In fact if Gavin's playing with an alley cat there's going to be a lot more waiting for him to get the jammers done.

"He's so cute!" Gavin coos in his ear and Ryan has to control himself to not roll his eyes. Trust it be Gavin who derails a heist with a stray cat. 

"Focus on the goddamn jammers!" Geoff barks in his ears and as Gavin hurries to assure him that he's got everything ready Ryan turns to motion over the gallery owner. He turns back to face the painting and mutters quietly that things are in motion to warn the rest of the crew. 

"Mr. Collins!" The owner greets him with a warm handshake. Ryan greets him in turn and they stand next to each other looking at the painting. It's really terrible and Ryan's not sure why anyone would actually buy it. "You've been looking at this beauty for a while huh."

"It's exquisite." Ryan lies easily. "I'd like to purchase it."

"That's wonderful!" The owner replies with a clap of his hands. "Let's get the paperwork done and then you'll be free to leave with this beauty."

Ryan follows the owner to the desk that's hidden in one of the alcoves in the gallery and he fills in the information he needs to give. All false of course, untraceable and indistinguishable from the real deal. The owner seems more than thrilled and Ryan figures he'd be too if he'd be the one getting payed for someone to take that gaudy piece of art with them. 

It's all too easy really. Ryan's false identity gets the green light and he pays way too much for the painting. The owner is thrilled and Ryan might feel sorry for the sucker but he's not really that kind of person. Ryan's quick in his movements and thankfully so is the owner and it takes barely ten minutes in total for Ryan to walk out with the painting. 

Ryan walks quickly, his step light as he hurries into the alley to the side of the gallery and hops into the back of Jack's van. He props the painting carefully into the supports that has been made specifically for it in the back of the van. Jack's starting the car soon after Ryan sits down in the back. 

Gavin's fingers are moving at the speed of light as he hunches over his laptop. Ryan's quiet, not wanting to disturb his work. He looks radiant even here in the back of Jack's van, rocking slightly as the van drives over uneven pavement. 

"How's it going Gav?" Jack hollers from the front. 

"It's almost done-" Gavin draws out as he doesn't cast a glance at Jack, focusing on his screen. "-and it's done."

"It's done?" Geoff asks in their ears and Gavin breaks into a wide smile. 

"It's done lads. The paintings on its way." 

Gavin laughs and Ryan can't help but to smile with him. The crew cheers in their ears and Ryan's stomach settles into a comfortable flutter after the adrenaline rush and the stress of the plan not working. He knows he should have more faith in his crew but it's still nice to have everything work out as they planned. 

Gavin closes his laptop and brushes his leg against Ryan's. Ryan wants to lean over and kiss him senseless but Jack's watching. Instead he mouths the word "later" to Gavin and he sees him shiver. 

Something brushes against his leg and Ryan sees the small wimpy kitten he's heard about on his earpiece lean against his shin. 

"Oh Rye look! He likes you!" Gavin coos and scoops the kitten into his hands. 

"Gav-" Ryan starts but stops at the bottomless joy that sparkles in Gavin's eye as he looks at the kitten in his hands. It's so tiny it almost seems like it should be illegal for something to be that tiny and Ryan sees the cut in his ear. This kitten looks like it's been living a rough life and he certainly can empathize with that. His grey fur seems dirty and the kitten makes the most sad squeak in Gavin's hands. 

"I want to keep it." Gavin whispers, his hand reaching to turn his earpiece off. Ryan looks at him with his head tilted, looking at the kitten in his hands. He's unsure if he could ever refuse Gavin, especially as he continues. "Please Rye, he's so tiny and weak and he needs our help."

Ryan's ear is fluttering with the chatter from the others celebrating a successful heist. Ryan knows he's a goner, but he can't refuse Gavin as he looks at him like this. 

He nods. Gavin does a tiny victory dance in the car and Ryan can't help but to smile at the sight of the tiny battle scarred kitten in his hands. He feels like it's oddly fitting for them.

Ryan's not sure about this all. He didn't even imagine Gavin moving in with him and now there's a cat? The poor thing looks so small and Ryan knows how much work it'll bring them but he can't tear his eyes away from the way Gavin's face lights up as he cuddles with the cat. His heart goes all fluttery as he watches them two and he knows he's utterly fucked. 

He loves this man too much to even consider saying no.

Gavin promises him that it's not going to be a big deal at all and Ryan lets himself be pulled into that thought. As they part ways with the crew Ryan makes the excuse that he needs to drive Gavin to the vet as the cat doesn't have a carrier yet. Gavin can't stop baby talking to the cat and Ryan doesn't hide his amusement as they make their way to the nearest 24h vet clinic. 

Ryan's sure that they'll run into some sort of trouble as they've just pulled of their first art heist but the trip to the vet is pain free. The kitten's in good shape and there's nothing wrong with him and the vet gives him the necessary shots. Ryan has to look away from the TV blasting news about their heist but thankfully no one in the clinic pay them any mind. They schedule a time for a follow up and the vet reminds them to bring the kitten in when it's time to neuter him.

Ryan can't help but to feel enamored with Gavin as they get home from the store. Gavin's had a cat when he was a kid and Ryan's got enough experience to make the trip to the pet store relatively easy. Gavin's cooing at the small kitten in the too big carrier as Ryan makes space in the office upstairs for the kittens things. 

As they get the litter box and the food set up they both settle in on the ground and let the kitten walk around in the office. Ryan's got the door closed, having this room serve as a place to get the cat settled in before allowing him around the house. 

"Isn't he cute?" Gavin coos as they watch the kitten get used to the office. Ryan pulls Gavin against him, tugging him under his arm as they lean against the wall. Ryan has to admit that the cat's cute as it tiptoes around the office, still giving them a wide berth. 

"He's a cat, of course he's cute." Ryan replies and presses a kiss on top of Gavin's head. Gavin smiles and turns to press his lips against Ryan's and Ryan melts into the kiss. Gavin's so sweet and the lingering excitement of their heist lingers in their kiss. Ryan pulls Gavin into his laps as he deepens the kiss. There's something so intoxicatingly domestic about the whole thing that it makes Ryan's head swirl in a pleasant way. 

"I love you." Gavin smiles at him as they break for air. Gavin's breath tickles on his skin as he rests his forehead against Ryan's and Ryan can't help but to smile back. He can't shake the happiness inside him, a fluttering so wild and new to him that he can't stop thinking about it. Gavin's like a light within him, breaking the darkness and making him believe in the future again. 

"I love you more." Ryan replies and even though Gavin giggles at the cliche answer Ryan can't help but to think that he means it. Gavin's so utterly divine in his arms that if he needed to he'd built a shrine to him. He'd worship Gavin until the end of time and still feel like he didn't do enough. 

The light that Gavin's brought to Ryan's soul is more than he could ever repay. Ryan can't stop marveling how Gavin's soft touch, his swirling laugh and his twinkling eyes illuminate everything Ryan thought to be impossible to illuminate. He sees the future, he can picture it better than ever and for the first time ever Ryan sees the future as a possibility and not a threat. 

He can't wait to grow old with Gavin. He wonders how Gavin will look when he's older, when they leave behind the violence of their lives. He doesn't think about the alternative, he refuses to let the possibility sink in and bring doubt with him. 

The cat meows and Gavin squeals at the soft sound and Ryan can't help the way his heart flutters so wildly. If Gavin wants he'll buy him a thousand cats, fuck he'll walk to the end of earth to get him any cat he wants. If that's what it takes for him to make Gavin happy he'll happily do it. It's the least he can do to repay Gavin for making Ryan feel like a human again. 

"Gav?" Ryan whispers and presses a tender kiss on Gavin's lips when he turns back to look at him. Gavin kisses him back, his fingers tangling into Ryan's hair as Ryan pulls him closer. He wants to make sure Gavin knows how much he means to him, how much he owes him, how much he adores every inch of him. 

"Yeah Rye?" Gavin whispers as they break for air. 

"Thank you." 

"For what?" Gavin asks, brushing his fingers on Ryan's furrowed brow. Ryan can't help but to melt in his arms. 

"For making me alive again." Ryan replies softly pressing a soft kiss on Gavin's wrist. The look on Gavin's face is unreadable no matter how much Ryan wants to. He sees the love, the adoration, the confusion and his heart flutters as Gavin brushes his hair away from his face so tenderly. 

"Thank you for letting me." Gavin replies and kisses him. Ryan's never been happier.


	23. Chapter Twenty-Three

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Hi guys! Thank you all for the warm welcome back, I'll get back to replying to comments in a while when I stop feeling so overwhelmed and can actually focus on giving them the attention they need. 
> 
> We're nearing the end of this story. For a while there I thought this was the story that will get left behind as there was still a whole arc in plans that would've clarified and tied up a lot of the hints I've been dropping. As I didn't want to leave his unfinished, I've compromised and cut a lot of that out for the final chapter. I won't be able to update that next Sunday as I'm traveling but it should be out the week after if all goes to plan. If you guys are interested I could write the quick rundown of what would've happened in the last arc in the notes for the last chapter. Let me know if you're interested. 
> 
> I love you guys, you mean the world to me ❤

As much as Ryan wants to stay in bed the next morning he knows he needs to get up. Gavin's hot next to him, his body wrapped all around Ryan and Ryan's feeling more relaxed than he has in years. His mind rests easy as he pulls Gavin closer, their bodies warm from sleep and Gavin's hair is tousled from the way Ryan's hand raked through it last night. Ryan's mind tingles with the memory, the pleasant release of endorphins mixing with the usual post-heist ease. 

Gavin mumbles something soft that Ryan doesn't quite catch, and he smiles as Gavin tucks his face closer to Ryan. His heart is lighter than the air itself, Gavin's presence always enhancing the hopefulness inside him. Gavin's touch is like torches in the vast void that had started to grow within him and he presses a soft kiss on top of Gavin's head. 

Ryan's hand brushes over the nightstand and he pulls his phone off the charger. There's a few new messages that he reads as he allows Gavin to sleep in a bit further. Ryan's not the one for snoozing, he's awake and there's no purpose of going back to sleep. But he doesn't mind laying here with Gavin in his arms making his insides all gooey and warm, his mind fluttering somewhere above the stratosphere.

Ryan opens the next from Geoff that's the latest and can't help the sigh that bursts through him as he reads the message. Geoff needs Gavin to do the trade off with the painting and that he'd feel better if Ryan would accompany him. Ryan doesn’t really mind accompanying Gavin to his trades or sales, but he'd much rather spend a rare free day at home with Gavin. 

"What is it?" Gavin mumbles in his arms. Ryan sees that his eyes are still closed, the only sign that he's awake is the tightening of his grip on Ryan. 

"Geoff needs us to handle the trade." Ryan explains, his voice soft and sleepy. 

"Wasn't he supposed to handle that?" Gavin says, lifting his head to look at Ryan. His eyes are still sleepy but there's a worried edge to them. Ryan can't tear his eyes away from Gavin soft eyes, his gaze so soft yet puzzled about the change of plans as he tries to wake up. 

"I guess something came up." Ryan shrugs. "We should head in to check what's up."

"I don't want to." Gavin grumbles, snuggling closer to Ryan and Ryan can't help the laugh that pours out of him. If only the world could see how clingy and demanding the Golden Boy actually is. 

"Me neither but we gotta." Ryan sighs finally pressing kisses all over Gavin's face and watches him light up with every single one. 

Ryan pulls Gavin with him into the shower and he can't stop kissing him as the water steams around them. Gavin's awake now, his knees dropping to the floor as Ryan shudders at the feeling of Gavin's hands on his hips pushing him against the wall. 

Ryan moans loudly as Gavin's lips wrap around him, swallowing him as his hands reach to play with his balls. Ryan's eyes flutter close as he throws his head back against the cold tiles as his hand wraps into Gavin's hair and guides him. Ryan's panting quicker than ever before, his nerves still sensitive from the night and Gavin's just so right against him. His tongue swirls like magic around Ryan's cock, his mouth so hot and slick and Ryan's thrusting into his mouth. 

Gavin moans around him as Ryan tugs his hair harder and Ryan bites his lip as Gavin's moan tumbles through him. There's an edge in Ryan's need and he chaces his release like he needs it for survival. He's sure that Gavin can read his mind as just as Ryan needs more he feels Gavin's cheeks hollow even more, his tongue brushing just so right against him and Ryan's not even ashamed how quickly Gavin can make him come. 

Gavin swallows around him and Ryan's quick to pull Gavin up on his feet. He can taste himself on Gavin's tongue and it sends electricity through him. He feels Gavin's excitement hard against him but as Ryan reaches for it Gavin smacks his hand away from him. 

"Watch me." Gavin whispers and Ryan's floored with the suggestion. Ryan nods softly leaning back against the wall as Gavin's own hand reaches for his own cock. 

Ryan's always suspected that Gavin gets off on attention and this only heightens his suspicion. Gavin's pace is lazy at first, clearly building up to something and Ryan can't tear his eyes away from how Gavin arches into his own touch, how his lip is between his teeth as he thumbs his slit. 

Ryan's name tumble from Gavin's lips as his pace quickens and Ryan's nails are pressing into his palms as he tries to keep himself from reaching for Gavin. He wants to feel Gavin come in his hands, but he has to admit there's something infuriatingly hot in the way Gavin moans and writhes as he chases his release. Ryan can't stop drinking the sight up, his eyes memorizing the way Gavin's flush under the stream of water and how his release makes his entire body shudder with pleasure. 

Ryan makes a note to make Gavin shudder like that when they get back from the trade.

The penthouse is quiet as Ryan and Gavin walk in a few hours later when they finally managed to keep their hands off each other. Gavin's whistling softly, his hands in his pockets as he falls into a comfortable step next to Ryan. Both of them are decked up in their facades. Gavin's glimmering like the sun with all the gold that's on him, his hair styled, and his shirt buttons unbuttoned. 

Ryan can't help but to cast an appreciative glance at him. There's something very alluring about how easily Gavin's carrying himself under all the weight of his mask. Ryan's own dark rubber mask is in his back pocket, jutting out like a constant reminder of it. His face is painted, and Ryan can still feel the way Gavin helped him apply more paint after he kissed most of it away. 

Ryan's leather jacket squeaks softly as he knocks on the boss' door before walking in. Geoff's looking terrible. One of his eyes is swollen and black and there's a bandage on his arm. Gavin's facade drops as he lays eyes on Geoff and Ryan stays back as Gavin darts to take a closer look. 

"Holy shit, what happened Geoff?" Gavin asks, his hand tilting Geoff's face up. Geoff waves his hand to get Gavin off him and he shrugs. 

"Got into a fight last night." Geoff offers and as they both wait for more he sighs deeply. "Had to step in before Jack got overwhelmed. We were at the bar down south, you know the one by the highway. Anyways there was this group of assholes looking for a fight and things escalated."

"I'm sure Jack could've handled it." Ryan replies softly, oddly fond of the scene Geoff's painting. Geoff laughs suddenly. 

"That's her exact words as well. But I don't stand by when people hurl shit at my crew."

"Admirable but foolish." Jack's voice carries from the door and Ryan whips around to see her standing in the doorway. Her face has a few cuts, her hand bruised but she looks considerably better than Geoff. "Got more ice for your face."

"You're an angel." Geoff exclaims and reaches for the ice pack Jack's offering him. Jack just laughs and hops on the edge of Geoff's desk, lifting one of her legs on the desk to lean on. 

"As you can see our fearless leader is in no shape to make the delivery. For this person looks are everything." Jack says, motioning at Geoff with her hand as she explains. Geoff's practically melting into the ice pack, leaning back in his chair with his eyes closed clearly happy to let Jack take the lead. 

"Who's this person?" Gavin asks raising his eyebrow, casting a doubtful look at Ryan. Ryan knows how he feels. These kinds of clients can be a hassle and Ryan's not in the mood to spend the entire day trying to woo them. 

"Goes by the name Swan." Geoff shrugs. "Met her at the Gala I was at a few weeks ago. She's the only person this side of the Atlantic who can get that painting off our hands but there's something sharp about her. That's why I don't want to send you by yourself Gav."

Ryan's body tenses at the description. There's something familiar about the name or maybe it's the description. He shrugs it off, not wanting to allow his paranoia take over. Besides there's gotta be hundreds of women with sharp tempers in Los Santos alone. 

"I need you to go to the meetup with the painting and do the swap. She should have a million in cash with her. If anything seems off, you leave. Ryan, I trust you to know how to deal with that kind of situation."

"Got it boss." Ryan replies quickly, taking mental inventory of all the things he should bring with him to keep them both safe. Gavin's casting a glance at Ryan but looks over at Geoff as he continues. 

"It's at the canned goods warehouse by the storm drain. Jack and Michael will be in a car just a block away just in case. Be safe kiddos."

Ryan stocks up on ammunition for his rifle and his pistols, stashing a few knives on his body as they raid the armory. They need to be heading out soon and there's a tension in the room that Ryan knows is about the meeting. He knows how much Gavin likes to prepare for things in advance, likes to have every single aspect of the meeting mapped out. He knows how nervous he is deep down behind the mask on his face. 

Ryan pats his shoulder as he passes him to go get armor. They can't wear the heavy-duty ones as it's supposed to be a safe meeting. Gavin looks a bit paler as he looks at the thinnest armor Ryan throws at him. 

"This will not stop a bullet you know that right?" Gavin whispers, tucking his golden pistol into the waistband of his jeans. 

"It's better than nothing." Ryan says, taking a step forward to Gavin. "I hate this as much as you do but we've got nothing to go on that would necessitate heavier armor."

"I know." Gavin sighs and throws his shirt off to clasp the armor underneath his shirt. Ryan's eyes trace the tanned skin, the lean shadows on Gavin's body. Gavin knows that he's watching, he knows that they are both aware of the camera in the room. 

Gavin's equipped with his pistol and his armor as they pile into the car Jack prepped for them. The larger SUV is clean and will not be pulled over which is great as there's the most wanted stolen painting in the backseat of the car. Ryan rests his rifle between Gavin and him but allows his smaller weapons and knives to stay hidden on his body. 

Ryan's minds racing as they drive south. There's something about this situation that's fighting in his mind and he can't quite place it. It's nothing, he tries to assure him as he needs to focus on what they know about the situation. It's just a simple drop off, nothing big, nothing dangerous. Well everything about their work is dangerous but this shouldn't be anything out of the ordinary. 

Ryan sees Gavin slip on the Golden Boy as they get near the warehouse and Ryan pulls his mask on in the lights just a block away from the warehouse. Adrenaline is rushing through his body as he follows the instructions he's been given and drives slowly through the abandoned warehouse lot and into the darkest corner of the lot and finally through open doors into one of the smaller buildings. 

There's eight people in the warehouse and as they step out of the car Ryan's already cataloged all of their weapons. There's nothing special, just thugs with rifles to try to scare them. It's going to take a lot more to shake Ryan, no shake the Vagabond. 

Ryan stays a step behind Gavin as he follows the Golden Boy who struts to the middle of the warehouse where Ryan sees a slender woman sitting on a crate. Ryan's eyes dart from thug to thug as they walk and Ryan's sure he can handle anything these fools can throw at him. 

"You're not Ramsay." The woman drawls, her accent definitely not from this side of the sea. Something closer to eastern European but it's difficult to pinpoint. Ryan can hear twangs from British and Spanish, he's not sure where she's from. But there's something infuriatingly familiar with her cadence as she continues. Ryan tries his best to remember where he's heard this accent before. "But I'm happy to work with the Golden Boy."

"I feel terrible as I don't know your name love." Gavin drawls, his accent accentuated as he shakes her hand. Ryan crosses his arms and stands by Gavin's back, close enough to be useful but still far enough to not spook the woman.

"You can call me Swan." She replies with a smile that's supposed to be warm, but Ryan sees the sharpness behind her eyes. Gavin's got to see it too. "Let’s get down to business, shall we?"

Ryan looks around the room, sees a few of the thugs take the painting from their car and bring it to them. Ryan's nerves are tingling, and he feels that there's something going on. Gavin's talking with Swan, but Ryan's eyes are drawn to one of the thugs that carry the painting. He lays the painting down by Swan and stays there, entirely too close for Ryan's comfort. 

The thug’s sleeves are rolled up to reveal hairy arms. He's holding a rifle in his hands, his stance clearly military. But Ryan's eyes are drawn to the tattoo on his forearm.

That tattoo. Ryan's eyes are glued to it like a moth to a flame. That circle is so familiar, but he cannot place it no matter how hard he stares at it. The thug is dressed in black and wearing a balaclava and provides no clue to Ryan, the tattoo of the circle with the line through it so familiar it hurts him. Gavin's voice blends into the background as Ryan searches and searches and-

_"Mr. Novgovich." A smooth voice from the darkness smiles at him as he steps closer to the desk. The view outside is of the snowstorm that had battered the alpine city for weeks preventing Ryan from gathering more intel before this meeting._

_"Mr. Hurwitz." Ryan greets him as he stops by the desk, the chair on the other side of it still shrouded in darkness. His hands are itching for the hidden pistol under his arm, but he knows it's not time for that yet. "How are you?"_

_"Splendid!" the voice replies. "Had a delicious brunch with Ivana earlier. Or should I call her by her real name? Julia's such a beautiful name, fitting for such a beautiful woman."_

_Ryan's stomach drops and dread flows through him. Not Julia. This is his worst fear-_

_"She told me the most wonderful story Mr. Novgovich." the voice continues as the man behind the desk stands up. "Or should I call you by your real name too?"_

_Ryan draws his pistol and aims it at the smiling man across the room._

_"What did you do to her?"_

_"Oh, I'd tell you she's in a better place but my mother told me not to lie. Yours should've as well."_

_Before Ryan can fire his weapon, he hears the footsteps outside the office. The smile on the man's face never falters as Ryan bolts for the balcony. He knows it’s a drop, he knows there's a high chance he might not make it but he knows he'll never make it out alive through the entire building._

_"I'll be seeing you later." The man laughs behind him as Ryan leaps off the railing as the sounds of men barging through the office door echo behind him. He looks behind him at the man laughing in front of the logo on the wall; large circle with a line through it._

_The wind is harsh, the icy rain around the mountain like knives on his skin as he falls and falls. His lungs give out as he plunges through the water and he inhales the icy water around him as he keeps falling through the water. His head feels like it's going to cave in and he looks up at the surface getting away from him and all he can think about is the kind smile of the innocent woman he just fed to the shark._

_His fault._

A scream that makes Ryan's insides shatter pulls him out of his memory and he turns around to see Gavin falling down. It takes him a second to catch on but then he's screaming and firing wildly at the people around him. His shots are calculated, the thugs falling like sacks of rocks to the floor as he downs them one by one. His mind is screaming, he's sure he's screaming out loud as he guns them all down. As the last thug falls over and there's nothing more in the room than his screams, he sprints towards Gavin who is on the ground grasping his chest as his shirt begins to turn crimson. 

How did people think that gold went well with red. It's everywhere, golden ribbons and red sheets. Ryan's hands are slick on Gavin's chest, words flowing out of his mouth, but he cannot hear them. He knows he should've given Gavin the heavier armor, he should've listened to the nagging voice in his head and he should've known he couldn't have something as light and shiny as Gavin. Gavin's golden facade seems so small now, the crimson eating it alive, seeping through Gavin and through Ryan and through everything that matters. 

Ryan can't breathe as words of assurance tumble out of his mouth. Gavin's blood is so warm, like the warmth of his hands on his, of the light that Gavin's been shining through Ryan. His mind is shattered, his hands desperately trying to stop it all, to make everything alright again. No matter how many times his hands have been slick with blood, nothing could've ever prepared him for the feeling of Gavin's labored breath as Ryan's slick red hands try to keep him alive.

His hands shake as he pulls his weapon and points it at the sound of running feet behind them. He's going to kill every single one of the people responsible for this, no he'll kill the entire world if it means it would be alright again. He can't let anyone touch Gavin, his mind kicking into over-protectiveness and insanity. His finger is heavy on the trigger and it takes him a few seconds that feel like an eternity to realize he's growling at Michael, at Jack behind him. Michael's yelling at him, his arm pulling Jack behind him and Ryan's floating in something heavy and he can't breathe.

Gavin's hand grasps his wrist, his fingers painting Ryan's skin, marking it no matter how weak his grip is. Ryan turns back to Gavin, and his heart shatter at the weak smile on Gavin's lips stained with red. The gun in his hand drops down as he struggles to stay here, to stay as Ryan and he looks into Gavin's twinkling eyes. His mind screams at him to do something as he's being pulled away from Gavin by strong arms.

How did people think red is a beautiful color?


	24. Chapter 24

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Whew guys, here we are. The final chapter of this story. For a while there it looked a bit uncertain if I'd ever get this story wrapped up but here we are. There was supposed a whole fourth arc but yeah, that wasn't going to happen (I'm going to write a quick summary of the last arc in the end notes for those who are curious). So I condensed it a bit and changed the POV. This final chapter is entirely from Gavin's perspective.
> 
> Thank you guys for your support and love through out these 24 chapters. Your love and enthusiasm has been a light in an otherwise trying time, and for that I'm not sure I'll be able to ever repay you or even express who much you mean to me. You're all superheroes. 
> 
> I've got a few chapters left on my other long fic, as well as a few one-shots I'm planning to edit if I get the time. After that it's going to be lights out for me as a writer for this fandom. This fandom has been the longest one I've been apart of ever. It has provided me with tears and laughter, and joyous creative energy. It's bittersweet to leave it behind, although I still watch their videos. My muse has just jumped onto a new thing, so if and when I write again I'll write for that fandom. For those who are curious, that fandom is the BTS fandom which has grown in my heart for a few years now until this summer when it finally consumed me. So yeah, after these fics anything new will probably be from that fandom. 
> 
> It's been amazing, love you all. You are the stars in my night sky. ❤

Gavin's always been clumsy, ask anyone he knows and they'll tell you. He's tripping over air, over things he's left on the floor even after Michael's chewed his ear off while still cleaning up after him. He's careless at times to a fault, but when it counts you can count on him to be there and alert.

Gavin knew that something was wrong before the shot rang out. He knew it earlier in the morning, an odd twisting nausea hit him suddenly when he was brushing his teeth. A sudden sense of dread out of the blue. He looked at Ryan's back then, watched him tie his shoes and brushed it off. In their line of work an uneasy feeling wasn't exactly uncommon, and he was convinced he was above all bad things. Love is a hell of a drug. 

As the shot rang out, echoing in the warehouse that he wasn't even supposed to be in today, he isn't even that surprised. He knows there's not much he can accomplish by freaking out. It's not his first gunshot, but he hopes it's not he's last. He's calm even though his mouth betrays him and releases the dread that has been building up inside him. He's been shot before, but this time it's different. This time he has Ryan. 

As he lays on the floor and listens to the faraway sounds of gunfire he thinks of Ryan. He doesn't think about anything else, just the tiny scar on his back from when he bumped into something years before they met. He likes the contrast of that scar with the rest of the scars that litter Ryan's battle worn skin. A product of clumsiness, not of violence. He thinks about how their lives are so shaped and molded by the violence they wield and receive. He thinks about his laugh as Gavin says something ridiculous. He thinks about how warm Ryan's hand is in his own. He thinks about if he could be happy with Ryan, even without their current lifestyle. He thinks about the future more than anything else. A future filled with Ryan. 

He doesn’t know much, but he knows the touch of Ryan's hands on him and like instinct he grabs them as a lifeline. He smiles at the thought. A lifeline. He'd laugh at the cliché if it wouldn't hurt so much to even breathe. He thinks he can hear Ryan screaming, but he can't focus on anything else than the touch of Ryan's hand against him, what feels like his hands inside of his chest. He tries to focus on the pain but finds none. He thinks about Ryan, unable to open his eyes to look at him anymore. 

He doesn't know when his thoughts turn into dreams. He realizes he's somewhere else when he feels the sun on his face. The rational part of him is somewhere else, lost in a maze of love and pain, but he's aware enough to know that the sun doesn't shine like this in downtown Los Santos. The air in Los Santos is heavier than this and riddled with all the things that doctors warn could kill you, like pollution and bullets. He opens his eyes and looks at the horizon that's painted in front of him in the most edible colors he's ever seen. The harsh pinks mix with the clouds painting them rose-colored and for once in his miserable life he feels oddly at peace. He doesn’t remember how he got here, or who he left behind but he can't seem to make himself care enough to try. 

He's sitting on a rock, the evidence of thousands of years of weather and history cold underneath him as he wraps his arms around his legs. He's not cold, he thinks. It's hard to say, it's hard to think but he hears the sounds of wind in the trees he knows are behind him. He doesn't dare to look, he just wants to stay here for a moment. He's tired but he thinks he's happy. 

There's a sense of dread deep within him but he ignores it for a while longer, just stares at the cotton candy sky and dreams of warmer days. It's so cold, he thinks. He doesn't know how to remember warmth anymore. There’re ghosts of touches lingering on his skin, rough hands and soft pats, a frantic worry that buries deep within him like he wishes to do himself, but he can't remove himself from the rock. He's frozen on the spot as the sky flickers in more ominous colors. He swears he knows that he's seen something like this before, the roaring, flickering and violent orange-

_"-it's all burning, the entire fucking city. He needs to calm-"_

Suddenly there's warmth, more than Gavin bargained for. The sky isn't pink anymore, the sun's hidden behind a cloud, no it's smoke- 

Gavin rises up, his legs weak as he realizes the forest is burning. The world is burning. His lungs ache and he coughs violently as he thrashes forward, his limbs unwieldy and awkward, like they're not really his to begin with. He doesn't remember it being like this, the mere thought of existing like this seems unbearable. 

The cabin is exactly where he knows it should be. It's surrounded by flames, and somehow Gavin knows that he should be inside it. He should protect him, it, them, the memories of them in this cabin. He shakes his head, a headache throbbing inside of his skull as he tries but fails to remember who they are. What are they? Who is he trying to protect? He sprints but his legs spasm painfully and he can't stop gagging- 

_"Jesus Christ Geoff, what did you do to him-?"_

_"I didn't do anything, he just started cough-"_

His body is flushed with something cold and he knows it's all lost now. He cries out for him, them as his legs buckle underneath him and he hits the solid ground with a thunk. He sees the cabin get devoured in front of his eyes and he can't do anything about it. A lone tear stripes his skin. He aches for the thought of them as it flutters away from him, tearing something inside of him with it. 

He's lying on his back inside the cabin. The air is light again and he looks around him. Dust flies past him as sunlight filters through the curtains. The bed beside him is still warm, his hand is warm but there's no one here. By the looks of it, this place has been abandoned for decades. Maybe there wasn't anybody here to begin with. An illusion of happiness, it's only purpose to hurt and mangle. To make wishful, only to pull everything it managed to grow with it. Gavin's hurts, although he's not sure what hurt feels like. He cries. 

Gavin turns his head and looks at the warmth that appeared suddenly. He still feels the weight of something in his hand but as hard as he looks, he can't see anything there. He huffs annoyed and looks at the timber ceiling. He misses him. He misses them. He knows he misses them, him, everything, even if he can't think of their identity. He knows he aches and longs to be where he belongs. He can't stay like this, he knows he's not the only one in pain and that makes the pain inside him ache even more. He feels hollow. 

Gavin bites the inside of his cheek, ignoring the wetness in his eyes as he thinks hard and long about a thin scar on someone's back. Thinks of laughter, thinks of light roots in dyed hair. He thinks about the thrill of them in their heist getup. He thinks of his hands against his skin, he thinks of his lips against his. 

He thinks of his love for him. He feels him shatter. 

He opens his eyes again to meet with a white ceiling. His eyes burn in the light, but he refuses to close them. He needs to stay here. He turns his head against the warmth against his hand. 

Ryan's laying in a bed next to him, their hands intertwined over the edge. He looks rough. He looks like Ryan. 

Gavin can see soot on his face, the gauntness and the lines on his face more prominent. He hasn't shaven in days, the paint across his face smudged against the white pillowcase, and Gavin would laugh at the thought of Jack's scolding if he wasn't so worried. 

"Gavin, you're awake!" Jack smiles as he appears suddenly beside Gavin. Gavin feels like he's been run over, trying to breathe calmly as he strokes the back of Ryan's hand in his. 

He tries to speak but manages only a croak. Jack shushes him and helps him drink some water. It feels so nice against his dry throat and he sinks further into his pillow, mumbling a thank you to her. 

"You're probably curious about what's happened." Jack says, settling down to sit on the edge of Gavin's bed. Gavin nods and Jack smiles. 

"You got shot. The guys managed to get you back in time for me to fix you up, but it was touch and go for a while. You've been out for four days." She looks sad for a while, tracing Gavin's features with her eyes before continuing. "The people who shot you have been dealt with, don't worry about it."

"Ryan-?"

"There's something between you isn't there?" Jack says with a fond smile. "No point in denying it, he was rabid when they shot you. Like way more than he usually is."

"We didn't want to tell you guys yet-" Gavin mumbles, looking over at Ryan's sleeping form. He looks like this is the first time in four days he's slept.

"Ryan's been on a bit of a rampage." Jack grimaces. "There's no one left in the entire city who dislikes us. Politicians, cops, gangs. They've all been taken out. It's a ghost town out there. To be honest, I'm kind of glad he's done some cleaning but don't let Geoff hear it. He's getting an ulcer from all of this stress. They've all been so stressed and worried, even without the extra stress of Ryan burning Los Santos to the ground with the help of Michael and Jeremy."

"It's what they deserved." 

Gavin's head whips to the side as he hears Ryan's gruff morning voice. Ryan's piercing blue eyes meet his and take his breath away in an instance. 

"I'll leave you guys alone." Jack whispers behind them but Gavin's only got eyes for Ryan. 

"How are you?" He asks and Ryan just looks at him for a few seconds before laughing. 

"You're the one who got shot." Ryan says after his chuckle dies down. "How are you?"

"Alive, but I know you and your rampages." Gavin says, worry coloring his words and Ryan falls silent. Ryan's thumb traces Gavin's hand and Gavin melts into the touch. 

"I'm alright now that you're alright." Ryan says and there's no need to say anything more as Gavin can hear all of the unsaid words and emotions in his voice, see them in his eyes. They're alright and that's all that matters. 

They stay like that for a while, just looking at each other, memorizing each other’s faces yet again. There's a new scar on Ryan's face and Gavin wants to ask about it but decides to save it to another day. He plans for there to be too many days to count. He'll have time. 

There's a clock in the room that ticks loudly as Gavin's thoughts run away. He doesn’t remember much but judging from the throbbing discomfort he's experiencing it had been close for a while. He tries not to think about the discomfort, so he makes the effort to focus his attention on Ryan. 

Ryan really looks terrible. Handsome still underneath all that wear and tear, all that stress that seems to hang over him still. He can't even imagine what he went through when Gavin was out of it. He heard a bit from Jack, but he knows her habit of omitting things to her patients when she feels like it's necessary. 

Gavin chews his dry lips as he looks at Ryan. He's never been surer of life and what he feels for it as he is now, looking at Ryan who looks like he went to hell and back to be with Gavin. 

"So I heard you went a bit crazy back then?" Gavin asks, breaking the silence as it grows too large for them to handle. He sees pain flash in Ryan's eyes, those piercing blues staring at him like he's afraid Gavin's going to disappear. 

"I don't remember much of it to be honest." Ryan replies with an apologetic tone. If they weren't laying down Gavin could see him shrug his shoulders trying to act like whatever happened doesn't bother him. "I heard you scream, I remember mowing down the entire lot before the guys got to me."

"Michael must've been thrilled to see you threaten him." Gavin says, trying to lighten the mood even a bit. He's uncomfortable with the weight of the unspoken words between them. 

"Oh yeah, he later told me that if I point a gun at him again, he'll gun me down." Ryan replies with a chuckle. Gavin's smile threatens to break the corners of his dry lips, but he smiles at Ryan's clear amusement at the threat. They both know it takes more than Michael to hurt Ryan. 

The silence stretches between them and Gavin can see the struggle in Ryan's eyes. He sees him want to say something, then decide not to. The cycle repeats a few times before Ryan finally closes his eyes. 

"I was so afraid Gavin." He whispers and a chill runs through Gavin, piercing his heart with icicles. He can hear the utter agony in his voice, the fear and the love. He doesn't know which scares him the most. "When you were hit, when you closed your eyes- I just- I lost it."

Ryan sighs, opening his eyes but looking potently at the ceiling. 

"I have never been as afraid as I was right then. I didn't know what to do, not even after Jack tried to assure me that you'd be alright. I just lost it for a moment. Became something I know I'm not, even if I might act like it. When I thought I'd never see you smile again, your eyes again, I became a monster."

"Hey, I'm fine Rye. I'm fine." Gavin says, grabbing Ryan's hand with both of his. His desperation fills his chest as he tries to find the words, he knows he must find to help Ryan through this. He knows if he doesn't that something will break inside of Ryan and he'll die before he lets that happen. 

"I wasn't scared you know?" Gavin finally says and sees Ryan freeze. "Back there I wasn't afraid, because I knew you was there with me. I was more afraid that you'd do something reckless and get yourself hurt. But more importantly I have never been scared of you. Not even with the mask, not even with all the crap that you say. I've never been afraid because I know that you're not that monster you might feel like you are. You're Ryan, Rye-bread, Rye who loves computers and geeking out about nerdy stuff. I know your thirst for doughnuts, that you say you don't like our cat, but I've seen you coo when you think I can't hear you. I know you like trashy tv, that you don't like to look weak or making mistakes. I know you carry the weight of the world on your shoulders even when you could share it with me."

Ryan's eyes have shifted back to Gavin and he sees the turmoil inside of him. He smiles at him, only now realizing how wet his eyes are yet again. He feels too full, like he's bursting with his adoration for this geeky boy who acts tough but loves so deeply. 

"I love you Ryan. With all of what I am, with all of what I'll ever be and what I've ever been. I want to stay with you for as long as this wretched city allows us, and even after that. We'll buy that place up north, we'll stay together for as long as we're kicking. I'm never leaving you Ryan, even if I die, I'll come back and haunt you. You're never going to be alone again so help me god."

Silence settles, or so Gavin imagines. He can't hear the silence over the sound of his thundering heart and the mess of emotions and thoughts fighting in his head. 

"I'd prefer if you'd not die, but I can respect your choice of haunting." Ryan says, the smile on his face lopsided and lazy but his voice tight with emotion. Gavin knows they'll sit down later and talk more, but for now he's happy. "I love you too Gavin. Let's do all of that, I'll do anything you ask of me."

"Anything?"

"Don't make me regret saying that."

"What are you implying? I was gonna suggest sleeping because I'm tired. I just got shot!"

"Sleep Gav. I'll be here when you wake up."

 

\----

It takes Gavin a few more days to get back on his feet enough so that Jack allows him to leave. It's awkward to say the least as the crew hadn't known about the two of them before he got hurt. There's a lot of questions, teasing and also a few congratulations. Most of them are teasing as well but Gavin's known these people long enough to hear the sincerity in their voice. 

There's a weight of his shoulders as they leave for home later that day when most of the teasing and the questions have died down. Ryan's hand is around his waist, helping him stand when though they both know he can stand on his own. Gavin's heart is light with Ryan here with him, no longer a secret between the two of them. 

He knows he can trust the crew to keep it a secret, to allow them so privacy and that's more than Gavin wants. He knows Ryan's more comfortable when all eyes aren't on him and he can feel it now as they're finally alone after all this time. Geoff forced the two of them to take a few months off to recover and have fun. Gavin always knew Geoff was a big softie. 

Ryan presses a soft kiss on Gavin's temple as they make their way to the car. The drive over to their apartment isn't long and Gavin's thankful. Even though he's strong enough to make it on his own, he just wants to lay down on their couch, get his feet up with Ryan there to watch tv with him as their cat lies between them. 

Heaven on earth. 

He looks at Ryan, his profile illuminated by sunlight pouring through the window. Gavin's breath gets caught, his thoughts erased as he looks at this man, who he chose and who chose him as well. There's no rush anymore. Whatever tomorrow might bring, Gavin's utterly convinced that there's nothing they can't handle together. He's got everything he might ever need right here. 

Gavin takes Ryan's hand in his and as Ryan glances at him, with that crooked smile and those shimmering eyes Gavin's sure that he's not the only one who feels like that as well.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Thank you for reading. Love you ❤ 
> 
> (The fourth arc was originally about Ryan thinking of leaving the crew and running away since he can't bear people getting hurt around him. He then would've realized the value of everything he has, and decides to stay and fight with the entire crew to clean the city and also the ghosts of Ryan's past. The crew/gang/whatever who killed Julia would've come back and together with the crew Ryan and Gavin would've been able to take them down and live happily ever after.)


End file.
